Oh gosh Cap, I have no idea. I think your plan to wait until he brings it up is a good one.

Poor kid. No idea how valuable it is to have parents helping you get on your feet. Probably won't realize it until it's way too late.

And a head-slap to BM for enabling him.

My mother keeps saying that its not unusual for grades like this in the first semester, due to so much adjustment. I just wish it seemed like he cared about it, or had some kind of goal or plan.

cap, my ss now out of college after 5 years and no dipolma yet but did get a job. we dh & i paid for 50 to 75% of his college education and living expenses. he fail some class and did poorly. gpa of 2.5. he had fun in college thats for sure. i know i talked with dh about it the poor grades, failing classes etc. but dh blew it off. well after 5 years and no degree i know dh now knows i was right. however it is too late. ss did get a job but nothing to show for his 5 years of college fun. it i too bad and all that money we supplied. i don't think anything you say to your dh will change anything it will just make dh upset. it is too bad these kids now days are soo very spoiled.

I can relate...

My nephew did poorly his first year in 4-year-college, got awful grades. My brother took him out and he attends 2-year college living at home. He is getting Associate in Science next semester, i believe it is his last semester at 2-year school (our local community college is actually a very good well-established school, we live in a very good county).

Then my nephew is transferring his 2-year degree to state university following semester which is also in driving distance from us, which means he will continue living at home.

He also works two jobs, these are not very good jobs of course but he is able to pay most of his bills and for his car (he definitely needs a car to get aorund between college classes and two jobs).

He was unable to obtain any student loans at all due to my brother's high salary and him still living at home and being dependent. My brother helps him pay for his tuition (cheap by the way, community colleges are very cheap). My nephew is not allowed to have grades below B otherwise he will get no help and will have to be on his own. His grades are good.

In terms of what your DH should do. When my nephew got bad grades first semester my brother was so upset and embarrassed, it is atypical for anyone in our family to do poorly at school let alone flunk college! Next semester my nephew did even worse...

I believe your SS needs to come home and attend something locally living at home, he can still go into engineering if he gets 2-year-degree and then transfers it. He has no business to attend college far away (4 hours on a train is not attending locally) let alone 4-year-college. Ds and Ps are not college credits, it is a waste of money.

What your DH goes through is probably what my brother went through: embarrassed, in denial, angry..But it is turning out nicely for my nephew, he is full time in school, works...Not everyone needs to be away to college...Your DH needs to accept the reality. I remember telling you last year that your SS will nto do well and no point to send him away to college (I know it is not your doing).

On a subject of friends. My nephew has plenty of friends but does not have a girlfriend either, I don't think it is a big deal. Plus how do you know he has no significant other? Some kids keep it private. I have family members expressing concerns why DD has no boyfriend. ha DD is in long-term committed cohabiting relationship for over 3 years, they just do not know anything about it, she lives far away and keeps it private at this point.

He is 4 hours from us, but only 30 mins from BM. We wanted him to live in the dorm anyway to get him out of her enabling household and give him a chance to grow.

Parent of one: I was shocked to see your point about Ds and Ps not counting as credit! Does the D count toward the overall GPA? I am guessing the only way to eliminate it is to retake the class? Wow, you are correct, that is a huge waste of money then. Problem is that only alternative is for him to live home with BM and attend local school. She is not helpful in this scenario and does enable him. He cannot live with us. I get the sense that DH is going to help him with this next semester, so he has one more shot at pulling grades up.

caphillsm, what a mess. It's so tough watching a train wreck that you saw coming a mile away - and you told us all so!

While some kids do have a hard time adjusting to college, like PO1's nephew, this seems to go beyond that. Setting one's own schedule and managing study time, deadlines, etc. seems to just be too much for some kids at age eighteen. This seems, to me, to go beyond that, though. Lying about getting a job, spending almost all free time lounging around - to me, this is a kid who has no real intention of putting forth any effort and is planning to do as little as possible for as long as possible.

I have no idea what your DH is thinking, of course, but I wonder if he is contemplating this possibility and how to handle it if that turns out to be the case. It is possible that DH is considering putting conditions into place if SS wants his continued financial assistance, rules that DH knows will probably not be met, and which mean that SS will end up dropping out. If so, it's got to be really hard for DH right now; if he feels that he's going to have to choose between enabling a lazy adult son and letting him sink on his own, that would explain why he's not discussing it - it's a huge decision to make. Poor DH may well also be contemplating his past actions and trying to figure out if he could have done something differently.

It's funny; if parents are still married and one or more of their kids fails badly it seems like the parents sometimes blames themselves less ("We did the best that we could, and that's all we can do"). Divorced parents can be so hard on themselves if the kids fail.

I can't help but think that he is choosing not to talk to me about this. We are very close and talk about everything. But on this subject, DH is being pretty tight lipped. He is close with my parents, and they just spent a week with us. Mom told me that he never mentioned it to them, either. I would have thought he might.

I think that what he may be worried about is "I told you so" from me. I would NEVER say that. But I did warn SS and DH about certain things, and even if I dont say it, he knows I anticipated these things.

I did predict a "train wreck", but honestly, it hasnt been as bad as I thought. I never expected him to make it through one semester without an incomplete in his classes. I've never seen him adhere to any schedule, much less an academic one, so I must (sadly) admit that I am surprised. Of course, this is not something I can really express "Hey, DH, he didnt completely fail and run home to BM....Wow!" So, my plan is to be supportive of DH if he chooses to discuss.

Now, if he were to ask me what to do, I would recommend PO1's idea about the 2 year program while working. I guess we wait and see what happens this semester. bottom line is that without an improvement, he will lose financial aid and housing, so the situation may just take care of itself.

D does not count for anything, I believe class needs to be repeated. It might count for partial credit, depends on a college. But it is not full credit at all plus it is ruining his GPA.
Yeap my nephew did not improve and that was the end of it. If your SS does not improve, it will be the end of it.

the difference is that my nephew got only tiny loan, he didn't qualify for much due to my brother making a lot of money, so the money that was lost in tuition and housing was my brother's. I thought my brother would have hard attack.

Isn't this the SS that didn't seem to want to go to college in the first place?

I have to admit that you make him out to be quite the loser. Perhaps your DH feels those vibes from you as well and that is why he isn't talking to you about SS.

Lonepiper, this is the SS that didnt seem to want to do anything. And still doesnt.

One of the reasons I find this forum so incredibly helpful is because I can "tell it like it is" in a way I could NEVER do with anyone else, even DH. I appreciate the candid feedback and really learn from it. Thank you.

So, SS1 spent this past weekend with us. DH asked him what his overall GPA was, and SS1 responsed that its a 3.0. Then DH asked how that could be since he had far worse grades than that. He said "In High School, that's what they told me I had". Dh explained "you aren't in HS anymore. you are in college. Your HS GPA doesnt count anymore." SS1 looked surprised.

DH explained to him that falling below a 2.0 results in academic probation at his college. It also jeopardizes his ability to take student loans, get into the Department he wants, be a "Resident Assistant" in the dorm (requires above 3.0) and basically most other things. The biggest thing is that it means he might not get housing second year. DH had a very serious talk with him about taking some ownership for his future. He just sits and listens and never responds. If you ask him, he says he understands, but other than that there is no indication he gets it.

His colleagues at his summer job last year nicknamed him "serial killer" because after months, they couldn't figure him out. I almost died when he came home and told us that. He told us that very matter of factly. I asked him if he understood why, and he didn't. I explained it meant that they see you as someone that they cant figure out, so you could be anything, even a serial killer. I think that this nickname is a HUGE red flag. I tried to get DH to see it that way and he said I was overreacting.

I asked him if he hangs out with anyone at college, and to tell me about them. He said he doesn't. He said he sleeps most of the time when he isnt studying or in class. He hasn't gone to a meal, a game, or anything with one other person, with the exception of his roomates who he apparently ate with once.

I had a long talk with my mother about it yesterday and she has thought for a long time he might be clinically depressed. his HS teachers referred to him as "aloof". What I don't get is why he hasn't ever been evaluated or why any type of intervention hasn't taken place.

Problem for him is: he is good looking and appears normal and kind. He smiles and makes eye contact. He has squeaked by with below average grades. He hasn't ever participated in one sport, club, or other extracurricular activity. He has literally flown under the radar in a way that basically got him unnoticed. My mother and I have speculated about everything from sexual abuse to aspergers syndrome. We know something is going on, just can't put our finger on it. BM and DH dont seem all that concerned....if it were up to me, he would have had a complete physical and psychological work up.

As I'm not the parent, I really dont have a lot to say, especially because it has become a "sensitive subject" between myself and DH. He is coming to terms that things might not be as he thought. I feel bad for him, and am here to assist when he needs me.