Oh no Mattie. :( It is so frustrating to see a child you care about suffer and not be able to *do* something immediately.

The court system is so ridiculous, it's not even funny.

After BM was INTOXICATED (and I mean, had spent the afternoon at a bar, drank a BOTTLE of wine in front of me, etc.) and then PUT SS in her car and backed out of the driveway before stopping---only b/c she saw me dial 911 on my cell---DH filed for a temporary protective order on SS's behalf.

The police gave SS to ME---while they took BM into the station. The report states "mother is intoxicated, attempted to drive with son."

And you know what? The damn court DENIED the protective order.

SS had to be at her house THE NEXT DAY for the normal custody schedule.

What if she'd been drunk and driven with him again??? Without someone there to stop her?

I have said this before but the courts almost sit around and WAIT for something dreadful to happen. BM would have been in *more* trouble had I not called the police and just let her drive off with SS. If she'd gotten pulled over or, God forbid, in an accident, she would have been charged with drunk driving and child endangerment.

THEN the courts would have paid attention. But to SS's detriment, kwim?

SIGH. I am so sorry, I wish your SS did not have to go to BM's this weekend, and that the court process could be faster. Do you have any idea what kind of time frame you're looking at?

I am sorry about your pet, too. (((HUGS)))

Thank you so much, Love. I feel like I'm just going to lose it. It might sound silly but the pet thing was, I think, the final straw for both DH and I. We've been so desperately telling each other that things are going to get better and now it just feels like it's going to be too late and nothing we do is going to make any difference. We can't protect SS, we can't even save our pet....

Fortunately SS is taking the news about that a lot better than we had feared - we thought about not telling him but that would be really unfair to send him off thinking all was well and have him return to find his pet dead and buried. I'm not sure if, after all of his health scares recently that he thinks the vet can fix her, or if he is just so overwhelmed by everything that he is concentrating on himself but either way at least it's better for him right now.

The court system is asinine. Because venue was changed, first is mandatory group classes in "co-parenting", and SS has to go to one with his peers explaining, apparently, how his parents both love him and will work together to take care of him - then he gets to talk about his feelings. Really?!?! Because I'm thinking that if he starts talking about HIS feelings to a group of eight year olds with normal parents who are just now divorcing, they're going to run screaming out of the room and the adults in charge will ask him to shut up. Next comes mediation - because obviously when you have one (or both) parents who are so appalling that the child's counselor recommends NO visitation that that parent is suddenly going to turn into a reasonable, agreeable adult who is concerned about their child's best interests.

Next comes mediation with attorneys, and then after that, court with a judge - eventually. It could take up to a year to even get to that point, they said. We are all half-hoping, half-fearing that that might not happen; BM may either just drop it as too inconvenient (she'll have to drive to the city for class and she refuses to drive alone) or will do something this weekend that will constitute an actual legal emergency. She's aware that SS's counselor is recommending the suspension so will no doubt have figured out that SS said something about her to the counselor - and we fear that this weekend will not go well for SS.

I agree, it doesn't seem like the courts will do anything until after the train wreck happens. Meanwhile we're all standing watching it coming and poor SS has been telling us, his counselors, his teachers and every other adult he knows that he doesn't want to go to BM's, that she screams at him, that he's afraid of her - and nothing happens. And we're supposed to instill any respect for authority in this child - how?! "Authority" has done nothing for him but ignore him and let him down.

The courts assume both parents are good and competent, and it takes A LOT to prove otherwise.

I had to do that stupid co-parenting course when I filed a paternity suit against DD's bio-dad. I had to sit there for two three hour classes and listen to the counselor drone on about how it's in the child's best interest to get along, yada yada.

Meanwhile, he is ignoring court date after court date and finally, after four months of it being dragged on with him refusing to return his attorney's calls, etc. the judge said he was going to issue a default judgment in my favor.

The class was supposed to be *mandatory* and I paid $200 for it---did SD ever take it?

OF COURSE NOT.

Did the court say a word to him about it?

OF COURSE NOT.

Don't get me wrong---he's been out of the picture for eight+ years and that is fine.by.me. DD doesn't know any differently.

But what a JOKE that class was!

" first is mandatory group classes in "co-parenting", and SS has to go to one with his peers explaining, apparently, how his parents both love him and will work together to take care of him"

HAHAHA. Yeah right. If it weren't so sad, it would be amusing. Unfortunately, SS knows differently---his mom is not going to work with anyone to "take care of him."

And peer classes and court ordered mediation are not gonna change a damn thing!

I do agree with you she may just drop the ball entirely.

Depending on the state you live in an advocate should have been assigned to this child. The advocate would visit with child on numerous occasions in both homes.

If the counselor is recommending this why did they not file something with child protective services? If its enough to terminate a visit then it should be enough to get someone involved immediately.

If you are this concerned as you say, sometimes we have to think outside the box. The system has loops and there is one (again depending on area) which allows temporary orders to go through without mom being there. The temporary order will be granted if neglect or abuse are being questioned. The temporary order would suspend her visits until court. I hope you are not paying that lawyer an arm and a leg because seems to me the lawyer is taking the easiest route on his/her own best interest.

Tell Dh to go to family court. They always have a family advocate there who knows their stuff! Ask questions get real answers. Hopefully your state has these temporary orders or at least papers you can file to expedite your case.

Alleyx, the counselor has said that nothing yet rises to the criminal, legal definition of child abuse or neglect; in our state that is something about a current or imminent danger of permanent or severe damage. In our state visitations are also (supposedly) based on the "best interests of the child" and that is what the attorney is working on. But, since it is not quite legally child abuse, the counselor is bound to not disclose any information unless subpoenaed - and so we don't have grounds for an emergency hearing to be heard, because we need the testimony of the counselor to get an emergency hearing - but she can't testify until an emergency hearing, when she'd be subpoenaed. At least that's my understanding right now. At a regular hearing she can (and will!) be subpoenaed - although the attorney says BM will most likely try to have that blocked, and at that point it's likely that an advocate will be appointed.

Love, apparently where we live if she no-shows for the class it's an automatic contempt charge - DH doesn't have to file or anything. In fact, if she doesn't pay for the class (it's supposed to be paid seven days prior) it's an automatic contempt charge. They're quite serious about getting their money, I mean, teaching people who hate each other to co-parent.

It is so difficult to explain to people who haven't had similar problems what it is like. I've seen people with serious problems who definitely should NOT be raising kids due to their issues, but who really love their kids, if that makes sense. I have never seen or heard of BM doing anything with SS (except rare occasions on public display) that indicate any interest in him at all, one way or the other, other than what he can do for her. Just nothing. It's surreal.

so sorry, I have never been in such situation, I would hate to send DD anywhere where she might be in emotional or physical danger. I don't even know what i would do if i had to. hang in there. I pray for the best outcome for your SS. hugs

How terrifying. I wonder if it's situations like this when a parent takes matters into their own hands... Your poor little guy :(

Mattie,Please update on how the weekend went for your SS when you can.

I'm so sorry about your dear pet :0( Love my furbabies to bits and totally feel your pain there.. ((Hugs))

~Cat

ps. nothing wrong with locking yourself in the bedroom and having a good cry. You gotta let it out sometime.

Thank you, everyone, for your support. I did have a good cry (several, in fact) and am feeling more calm and accepting, I guess.

SS is doing pretty well right now. It ended up being mostly just the usual; he came home filthy (he hadn't changed his underwear, bathed, or brushed his teeth all weekend), hungry (he had chocolate milk and two pieces of pizza as he wasn't allowed a third piece all day Sunday), exhausted (he's allowed/encouraged to stay up very late -after midnight- until BM goes to bed and then she takes him to sleep with her). Also as usual he was pretty much ignored except when dragged around on Sunday to be shown off to relatives (and we think used as an excuse to get invited to dinner).

He tried to discuss some of his concerns re Christmas with BM; fortunately she didn't scream but also apparently didn't listen/ask questions/express concern. She again told him there was no money for presents or "a Christmas"; he finally told her that he didn't want to come and she just said "You are".

Our attorney has told us that one withheld visitation occurring after a mod petition has been filed almost certainly will have no effect on anything custody wise and at most might result in a fine. Make of that what you will. :-)

SS is feeling better since he was informed of a certain decision that DH did not make lightly. He requested to speak with his counselor again as he's been very upset about it all. I spoke with her briefly as we're always trying to make sure that the right thing is being done, and to be sure that we're not inadvertently influencing SS (it's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a poker face when tales of BM are being recounted). She agreed that it is possible that BM has something planned that doesn't involve ruining SS's holiday out of spite - but she didn't really believe that any more than DH, SS or I do.

SS was convinced that not only will she not get him anything, as she told him, but that she will deliberately stay up very late so that Santa does not come to bring him anything either. His other concern was that since Santa has never left him any presents there, nor is he mentioned, obviously (to him) Santa does not bring his BM anything because "she's bad". So he also worried that if Santa brought him presents but left nothing for BM that she would scream at him.

He said something very concerning to me on the way to counseling yesterday. He told me that sometimes he wished he were in heaven so he didn't have to see BM. When I questioned him he said his main concern was that what if it was all wrong, what if "bad people" were allowed into heaven and then he would still have to see her anyway. He has promised me if he has more thoughts like that to discuss them with me, DH, counselor, teacher, anyone. Unfortunately he told Sunday school teacher that BM was mean to him and screamed, so they discussed in class about honoring thy father and mother, and it was explained to him how he should behave better so she is "not so stressed". I cannot fault the woman because I am sure that she was imagining a typical "I asked the kid five times to shut off the TV and come to dinner and then I yelled" kind of thing - but poor SS. It really makes me wonder how many kids who are sexually or physically abused are asking for help and the adults are just not hearing it.

We also confirmed other suspicions this weekend. BM's BF is in prison for parole violation; he's a career criminal. But as soon as he gets out they'll be married and live happily ever after, with custody of SS, and both of us paying CS. Anyway, that being the case in fantasyland, BF's mother is often over visiting and SS is encouraged to call her GM. (Strangely not step-grandma, nor "my mother's future husband's mother". Huh.) Anyway, we found that, well, her record is not quite as extensive as her son's. The years of drug possession charges (in addition to others) are not particularly surprising to either DH nor I due to the fact that SS had already told us that she is "funny" because she always thinks that "bugs are on her skin and in her hair". We haven't even started to figure out what to do with that mess yet.

To wrap up my very long update, the pet may/may not be doing better. She's on steroids; vet said she might show a brief improvement for a very short time and then it's rapidly downhill. She is showing improvement so DH and I are holding out hope for a miracle (or a misdiagnosis; we opted out of the $1500 tests so it was more of an educated guess to her condition). Meanwhile we are taking advantage of the fact that everyone at the moment is feeling OK to do holiday stuff together; if we could just freeze an evening in time for a while I think I'd be happy.

Thinking bugs are in skin or on hair are a symptom of cocaine/crack abuse.

This sounds like serious abuse. I understand no presents/money for Christmas but there are ways to make it festive without money. She just sounds mean.

And the going to heaven stuff is really worrisome. They have toys with video cameras in them. Is there any way you can get this on tape? Or at least video him when he gets home? Some documentation?

My heart aches for you.

If you were to present the BF's criminal record to a judge, could you at least get overnight visits taken away?

Mattie, you know my view...I say you go ahead and withold visitation for as long as it takes to force her to take you back to court. At least you know SS is safe during that time.

These are the kinds of stories you see on 48 Hours and stuff. Please, please, please protect him, even if it means violating the papers.

I think the word is being spread at your SS's school that there is an epidemic of lice... Given your current situation, you could actually start your own little rumor. Your SS has a very bad case of lice - his entire head is crawling with them. Would his mother really want him to come over and contaminate her and her household?? Probably not. Perhaps he will become reinfested right before his next visitation with her as well. You could buy some "special" shampoo and wash his hair a few times - just in case he wants to share info with his mother or she asks him about it over the phone. Lice isn't something that would be verified by a doctor - what crazy would take their child to the doctor for lice? BUT, it is so very nice of you to think of the cleanliness of her home and not wanting her to get it as well - your homes is definitetly infested already so what do you have to lose by keeping him home during her visitation...

awful evil sick woman, I agree with lonepiper, make up a story, do not send him there, poor poor child. I wonder if she does drugs too, she sounds on drugs, not normal, sick evil, it made me sick to even read it let alone experience all this mess. oh my, please keep us posted...

Everyone, thank you so much for your support. DH is going to try to discuss this with BM before Christmas, and honestly explain his concerns. They will almost certainly be ignored, of course, but that's OK - in the process no doubt she'll say something atrocious which DH can relay in any possible future contempt hearing.

We've explained to SS that the decision that DH has made (and I'm sure you can all guess what that decision was), was not because of presents or lack thereof. As Silver said, there are plenty of things that can be done without money, and SS loves "family time". An evening spent singing carols, playing board games, building a snowman and then drinking hot chocolate - that is pure bliss for him.

I've no idea what BM's point is. She's always gotten him at least one present for Christmastime before. I really think that this may be all about the CS. She's still incredibly angry about it; she may be trying to hurt DH by hurting SS or she may just be trying to hurt SS directly for not wanting to be there. I don't know; it's sick either way.

SS is doing pretty well. He burst into tears at dinner last night because he put the wrong dressing on his salad (not the kind he wanted). He just needs an excuse to cry and get it all out, I think. He's also decided to take some of his savings (from his allowance) out of his bank account to buy presents for his friends and teacher. We gently explained that that is his savings towards big toys or whatever for himself; he is adamant that he wants to spend HIS money on HIS friends. He is really such a great kid and deserves a lot better than life has handed him so far.

Silversword,I suspect you may be right re cocaine because SS has also said a few things that to me sound like paranoia (windows completely covered during daytime, "hearing" someone trying to break in all the time). Nice, huh? Why BM would allow herself to be around this person, let alone SS, is beyond me.

SS's counselor is aware of the talk re heaven. She's not overly concerned right now; says to call her immediately if he starts discussing methods of death or giving away toys though.

Ashley, BF is in prison right now. If/when he gets re-paroled, we'll be trying to get a complete restraining order. This is a man whose not spent six consecutive months out of prison/jail in over twenty years. Apparently the true love of a good woman is going to turn him around, however.

Lonepiper, LOL! Lice probably won't faze BM; she's returned SS with lice on numerous occasions. She'd just shave his head and complain about how DH let him get lice. Still, it's worth considering.... I know she wasn't happy when she got lice (it's always after they've visited the same relatives up there).

PO1, there is something wrong with her, for sure. It's not just with SS; I think her grasp on reality is really slipping. She's got all those grandiose plans for this wonderful future that's going to begin just as soon as BF gets out, which she thinks will be in several months. I think BF and his mother are playing her; there's all this talk of money, houses, etc. which are going to be provided to her "soon" - it's been "soon" for over a year and a half. I don't want to even speculate what will happen when her fantasies come crashing down; I just want to make sure SS is nowhere around at that time.

Wow, I was proofreading this and it sounds awful, like something that happens to someone else and you think "Thank God it's not me and my family". I'm lucky though, SS is overall a great kid and I'd rather have to deal with crazy BM who doesn't live here than a badly behaved SKid who lived with us, like some of you do! :-)

What's that saying about if everyone put all their troubles on the table and we got to see what everyone else was going through....

....that we'd gladly pick up our troubles again and walk away, grateful...

Unfortunately I suspect it's probably not cocaine. Usually people do not have enough money to be sustainable cocaine addicts. It may have started with that, but then it progresses to the cheaper stuff, like crack. And crack; as Janet Jackson so eloquently said; is whack.

The paranoia, the bugs, the darkened windows all sound like methamphetamine side effects to me. The problem is that with meth people are hallucinating so badly (from lack of sleep and frying their neurons) they tend to make really bad choices. Cocaine isn't good either, but it doesn't make people CRAZY like meth does.

It's funny because I rarely encounter people who are high, or who I suspect to be high; and when I do it's always with disbelief. I went to a winery the other day and the woman owner I swear was high on cocaine. She was talking very fast, her eyes were a little too bright, and she was clipping her words.

One of my family members was a drug outreach counselor and I've been with her on her rounds. She could tell just by saying "hello" what drugs a person was on at the time. Because meth gives people an inflated view of their capabilities they are much more dangerous. They run off adrenaline and can tap into "superhuman" strength. Combined with their paranoia the behavior is dangerous and frightening.

I don't want to scare you, but I would do everything in my power to keep SS from that environment. Often, even if a person is not using needles to do drugs themselves they have friends who do. Drugs and the paraphernalia associated with them can be lethal to children. Druggies don't have the best track record for remembering where they put their stuff and a small bit of the drug can kill a child.

I was thinking about you all night. I hope SS gets the warm family holiday he deserves; warm, safe, happy, and with people who love him.

I had a traumatic experience five years ago and was very angry and hurt and it was very emotionally disabling. A good friend took me to the batting cages and had me hit balls. He told me to imagine the balls were whatever was bothering me and to HIT them, kill them, get them away from me. It sounds silly but hitting a ball really hard without needing to see where it goes or worry about hurting someone is amazingly freeing. It felt really good. When I got out of that cage I was exhausted and felt very alive.

I've heard horse therapy is also good for people who have been traumatized. I don't know what SS has gone through or if that would help him but a little one-on-one with a big, safe, friendly animal who won't judge or tattle might be a good way for him to release some of his emotions.

"And crack; as Janet Jackson so eloquently said; is whack."

Wasn't it Whitney Houston? ;)

Mattie, I am just so teribly sorry for what your poor SS is having to endure with his mom. :(

There just are no words.

I assume that your hubby has decided to suspend visits. GOOD. I think in this situation it's ALL you can do.

Have you thought about hiring a PI? I know it can be really expensive but would that be admissable in court? ANY way you can document the drugs and dangerous environment SS is in over there.

I am sorry for you, too. I can't imagine the stress you're under. You and DH are both doing such a great job of protecting SS. Keep doing what you're doing.

(((HUGS)))

Silver, we thought of meth but the area in which we live doesn't really have as much of a problem with it as some of the other parts of the country. I really hope it's not because everything I've read about it scares me to death.

I've got our Nutcracker tickets! And we're having people over for Boxing Day luncheon, and we're off to relatives for Christmas dinner. Due to our childhoods one of the things that DH and I both really, really want is a nice, boring, old-fashioned Norman Rockwell kind of home life. SS really enjoys that as well. This weekend we will put up our the live tree and village; the little trees are all up. I'm looking into sleigh rides but am not sure we can swing it time-wise. We're also going to make cookies (for Santa!), sing carols, watch It's a Wonderful Life, Charlie Brown, and the REAL Grinch, and all the rest.

Christmas Eve I will be home alone for a while; since I am legally not involved in any of this (ha!) I will remain here to see if we have any unwanted Christmas callers at a certain time. If so contingency plan will be put into place, otherwise all will hopefully proceed as we've planned.

Pet is hanging in there although they said the meds could cause a very brief remission and then it's down and out fast; we are praying that that is not the case as we'd hate for that to happen anytime but especially right before Christmas. At least she's eating on her own again; force feeding an animal is not fun for anyone involved!

Love, it's funny because I am not a person who deals well with long-term stress. I much prefer to tackle things head-on and fix them, and it really frustrates me that I can't do that this time. I'm really trying to practice not worrying too much during "safe" weeks like now.

I also think I'm doing better dealing with SS. If he acts up first step is to see if he needs a good cry. If not, I correct his behavior but in a sort of laughing, joke-y way. I've learned that he is not dealing well right now with any kind of serious voice tone about anything and raised voices send him into a panic (even if it's calling him down to dinner).

If this makes it to court (BM's world may crash down before then and she just may lose interest), she probably will be by far her own worst enemy. She honestly thinks she is a good mother and that she's doing nothing wrong, and will say so. In her opinion SS's best interests are what's best for her; she's unable to keep a conversation focused on SS without immediately turning it back to herself.

I was thinking last night how lucky we are that BM never calls here. (She hasn't called to speak to SS in eight months.) That's really helpful at keeping home a "safe" place for SS.