Document everything keep a journal.

How did they change her name? legally?

In court do not be emotional... write an outline of what you want to heard by the judge... Anytime you are brought to court for a "modification" make sure you file one too. If they only file only their account is taken into consideration.

Ask for the DOR to collect the CS and mail it to you they will take it directly from him and send it to you ...he cannot withhold it as punishment.

In modification... state everything you want and don't want be as detailed as possible.

Most "things" you won't be able to stop them from doing no matter what the judge says. But you have the right to know where your child is.

Research your states probate website there will be forms on there to use and prepare you better for court.

Document everything.

Find an attorney who will help you. If you contact the American Bar Association, (for lawyers in your state). They may have a list, or names of some very good family law lawyers who donate time to help those who really need their help, but do not have the money to pay for an attorney, or they will work for reduced pay, to help someone who needs help. If you are in college, perhaps you could start gearing your education towards legal studies, because it looks like you are going to have years of legal struggles with these two. Perhaps in the end you will end up in the legal field, and able to one day help others like yourself.

But you need help now. It amazes me how vindictive people can get and hurt innocent children in the process. Perhaps you could learn to meditate quietly each day, and breathe to find a calm place in the midst of the craziness swirling around you. It would also be helpful to have a single parent support group around you. You are going to need support/friends to balance the turmoil they are bringing into your family. People to turn to who will support you.

I agree with both cawfe and bnice. But please STOP THROWING FITS!! I don't blame you for feeling that way, but there is probably a lot of this, having to do with control and every time you throw a fit, it fuels the fire. You SHOULD be angry but it's not going to help to call them up and pitch a fit. You can't control what they do, anymore than they can control what you do.

I would keep a journal. Take the child to a counselor. (especially since witnessing adults having sex is a form of molestation and can affect your daughter for years). Maybe get the teacher involved if she is witnessing a change in your daughter's behavior. If you let her know, she may be able to watch for behavior problems because kids do act out when they are stressed. and I can't even imagine how upset I would be if anyone had the sex talk with my daughter at age 4 or 5. I guess if she asks, be honest, but not so graphic with a small child. Geez

As for the padded bra, I'd have said "oh, well you can't wear that here" and yes, I would be upset but if you throw a fit, next thing they will be putting thong underwear on her. (btw, my SD's mom has put thong underwear on SD when she was 6 because she thinks it's cute and she also had sex with her daughter's in the same room with her.)

The calling her mom is geared to upset you. Kids know who their mom is and they can't change that by saying SM is her mom.

You definitely need some sort of legal help because they are being very aggressive in trying to prove you are unfit. They might even use your outbursts or emotional fits (as justified as they are) against you to say you are not balanced. You might look into non profit organizations for help if you can't afford a lawyer.

mom23kidz,

I do not know the law in all 50 states; however, it is certainly true that in some, having sex in front of small children is considered a criminal offense --- at the very least child endangerment. The National Children's Alliance has a website --- www.nca-online.org

On their website you can locate a Child Advocacy Center near you. Usually, these centers work in concert with local child protection agencies, law enforcement, pediatric medical staff trained in assessing physical and/or sexual abuse, behavioral healthcare personnel trained in dealing with abused children, and child & family advocates.

I would strongly urge you to go to the NCA website, locate a facility near you, contact them, and have your child evaluated. The behavior you are describing for your 4 y/o DD is not normal. If she is being exposed to behavior that is, at best, extremely inappropriate & at worst abusive and possibly crimnal, you need to act to ensure that it stops.

A Child Advocacy Center will have the resources to help you help your child.

Good luck with this.

i agree with you all
and maybe i should just let go some my husnband and i have been the only one in this childs life for along time...

but now sharing seems impossible and we are not going for modifications this is justice court they charged me with threatening them which is a complete lie
i don't make threats.
i informed her she was not her mother politely and then she went to bobbing her head around and raising her voice at me.

how do you deal with it all..........................................................
makes me want to pull my hair out.

as for the name change i had signed a document when DD was 2 and they waited until 3 months ago to do it... The child is so confused she is now writing an exclamation mark for her last name the teacher is very involved since the incident over the name.... X told school I knew so when did we find out? well..... when report cards came out 2 weeks later
so here i am DD had mentioned nothing and was essentially dealing with the confusion on her own and school thought i knew and X was just sitting back laughing i guess...
it all hurts me but it hurts DD more and that is when i get Pissed and start cussing when they call and tell her they are coming and do not show up and she cries for hours...
ugh i wish i would have never never told him and if i had it all to do over i would not.
its not like he ever did much for DD
didn't come to her bday for the first three and when came to her 4th bday party brought her nothing
never bought diapers or formula
clothes or toys
never stayed up all night with a collicky baby and went to work the next day
never changed crappy diapers or washed mountains of clothes
for the first three years of DD's life the B hole gave her maybe 200.00
now i am the bad guy
I think that he is a loser and a fake
I think that the mothers word should be it when we have given birth and soely provided for that child all that childs life
do we get a thank u?
NO
we get oh i think i will excercise my rights today and make u spend money to hire a lawyer so u can defend a bogus charge that u the one that has kept the child fed all these years are in fact unfit
and you are not good enough now to raise your child any longer
afterall staying up six months strait and working with baby screaming all night thats the past this is the future I am the dad and i make all the rules now.

oh lord
what have i gotten in to.

wry, I hadn't considered the illegal aspect... but I also wanted to add, that because children's sexuality is "latent" when they are that age, being exposed to sexual behavior (and acting out indicates it's deeply affected the child), it awakens (sexual)feelings that children don't normally have until puberty. Left untreated, it can lead to problems such as promiscuity and even depression as they don't know how to deal with those feelings properly.

I'm no expert, but I was molested (a trusted family friend masturbated in front of me, he never "touched" me) when I was about 6 and I didn't even tell my parents. By the time I was entering my teenage years, I was confused about the feelings that I had since it happened. I felt guilty for it happening and for "thinking" sexual thoughts later. I didn't understand how much it affected me until later in my life. In my opinion, I would at the very least, get her help by way of counseling and if it's illegal in that state, prosecute.

Dress very "lady like" in court, and stay very calm. Speak clearly and with respect to the judge. Write down all your points, but "get to the point" in other words, be clear, calm, but do not ramble on and on. Even if they provoke you, stay calm. Breathe.

From what you have written here, I cannot imagine that you will not have people lining up to help you.

I also wanted to mention that churches can be a wonderful support when everything around you is so hard.

well it is over. The judge threw it out.
he told them to go to chancery court...
he asked was there a reason that they had not been and i managed to get out that they were in contempt of chancery court because they had no health insurance on Hailey.
It was great.
still all in all I know the war has not been won just a battle...
I will wave the white flag to step mom again and who knows maybe we could get along.. all though i am not that optimistic.

Don't bother waving any flag ... some people are just not worth the effort to please them ... do what is right by you and your daughter.

Document everything. Keep a journal you will need it to "remember things" when it comes to a head again.

If he is in contempt... head to a court house with a lawyer ...get it done "legal like"... The longer you wait to bring up the issue of no health insurance they are going to put less effort into enforcing it.

Do you have a court ordered support order? if so contact department of revenue in your state and get them to do the dirty work for you they will do it for free. They will go after it for you.

You will get some great advice on here from a lot of Stepmoms and moms. :)

mom23kidz,

The father of your child and his new wife may very well have committed a crime. Engaging in sex in front of a 4 y/o is tantamount to exposing them to pornography --- in many states, this is considered child endangerment; it may also be considered to be a sexual offense (such as gross sexual imposition, etc).

PLEASE go to the website I mentioned in my earlier post. Please find a Child Advocacy Center near you and contact them for help in protecting your child. What she witnessed while in their care wasn't simply inappropriate or negligent. It was probably CRIMINAL.

I am glad things went well for you in court today; however, today's outcome does not relieve you of your reponsibility to protect your child from any further harm.

Please contact the CAC nearest you and let us know how it goes.

OMG!!!! Why is your child still having unsupervised visits with these people! Please, please go to the websites mentioned, get your child into counseling right away, and file charges against them if possible and at the very least work at getting supervised visitation! It is horrible what some people do to children.

If a lot of time has passed, you may have trouble proving any of this. Have you documented things said and done by your DD? A counselor would definitely go a long way in helping your daughter deal with this as well as helping to document what has happened, what is happening, etc.

Do everything you possibly can to protect your DD!

Not to be skeptical, but....

How on earth do you know that they had sex in front of a four year old? A four year old doesnt even know what sex is.

I think a lot of times we hear what we want to hear, in what our kids, or stepkids say, or dont say. Its the nature of a divorce to jump to conclusions and believe the other person is evil incarnate........on the flimsiest of evidence.

This is one of the reasons for contacting a CAC. They have professional staff trained in forensic interviewing; they have medical staff trained in assessing phsyical evidence of sexual abuse.

A good interviewer will establish the developmental level of the child. The interview is priamrily non-directive (to avoid charges of leading questions or "planting" ideas in the minds of the chldren --- to avoid the whole "false memories" mess). Unfortunaetly, even if the interviewer is able to establish pretty solid evidence that a crime likely took place, often there is little in the way of physical evidence to back up the accusations and prosecutors will not bring formal charges.

That said, usually Childrens Services will get involved and, if nothing else, supervised visitation can be arranged and the kids can be kept safe.

I consulted at a CAC for a number of years. It was generally pretty easy to tell when you were dealing with a case of false accusations.

I finally gave up the consulting contract. On "clinic days" when kids were brought in for the forensic interviews and the medical exams, we watched the interviews remotely (and were considered witnesses who could be subpoenaed to court to testify as needed); I have always done a pretty good job of never taking my work home with me --- I couldn't do that with the CAC work. There are some young children who are subjected to more than most of us would ever care to know. I started thinking about what I would do if someone ever abused my step grandaughter....I knew I had to give up the consulting when I started have vigilante fantasies...

The accusations may not be true...but they should be investigated to determine their veracity....IMHO.