Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating.

Ima, I'm not assuming that most people's silence has to do with support or no support. Please see my above post to JNM about that. KKNY and TOS also reminded me of my own Mom, even though I think we are close to the same age. When I started posting here and throughout my marriage and stepfamily issues, much of what both of these ladies posted really bothered me. I didn't want to hear about second marriage statistics or other such negative stuff, either. My own Mom had done enough to make me "miserable" throughout my courtship and marriage to what is now my ex-husband and I really didn't need to hear any more. Especially when I came to this forum for support. I married a divorced guy, and a freshly divorced one at that. He had been in a long-term marriage and had two adult daughters. My Mom didn't like the situation at all. She told me I should call his ex and find out why they really got divorced and who was really the cheater. She asked me why he was in such a hurry to get married again when he just got out of a long-term marriage. She told me that his daughters would always resent me. My Mom also said many men will tell a woman they are wooing that they had been in a loveless marriage and hadn't had sex or slept with their ex's for a long, long time before the divorce. Ouch. That is what my ex told me. And that's what KKNY and TOS said, too. But how would my Mom know anything - she's been happily married to my Dad for 53 years. I did end up on this forum because of dysfunctional step family issues that were making me miserable. And the things KKNY and TOS stated didn't help me at all. I needed support, not a bucket of cold water thrown in my face. If I wanted that, all I had to do was talk to my Mom. When I say this, I truly mean it. I still believe in love and I hope that everyone on this forum, including you, enjoys a long and successful second marriage and that their stepfamily issues get peacefully resolved. And I do think it is possible, but there are many challenges along the way. My marriage did not work out. I was able to get a legal annulment after five years of marriage, rather than a divorce. Of course there is a story behind that and it isn't pretty and I can only pray that story remains private and kept with those that I truly trust, my attorney and the judge. That is why the privacy thing is so huge to me. After the annulment, as I pondered my life and my future, I eventually came back into this forum to look back at my past and I forced myself to read my old posts. I saw one I wrote, just a few weeks before I discovered what he was up to, in which I went on and on about how much I loved him and what a wonderful husband he was. Though it was hard to read, I got through it. I went further back into some of the posts in which I had exchanges with KKNY and TOS and in which I dismissed them as being bitter trouble makers. And what I saw were two ladies who have been deeply hurt and who are devoted mothers. They say what they think, most definitely, but they speak from the reality of their lives and their experiences. I don't see them as bitter, and unable to move on, but rather that they state the ex-wives point of view and the stepchild's point of view and the reasons for those points of view. It is somewhat unpleasant to acknowledge, but I think they are probably accurate in what they say about those points of view. The points of view of the bio mom and the step child are really pretty important if there is any hope of trying to build some sort of a solid foundation as a step family with a happy future. And even if the bio mom is less than involved, she is still the mother and she will resent it if you try to "replace" her. Tough as it is, I think it is the truth. And I know your situation may at times seem impossible, but I think if you could somehow disengage from the anger you feel toward your SD's bio mom it might help improve the situation over time. I do think that is the best hope you would have for some peace with the situation because no one will win if you continue to fight one another. I also hope that there is some way that you, TOS and KKNY can start over again. Best wishes, June

"Well, the biggest piece is a 20-year-old Ethan Allen sofa. The fabric was navy in a former life, but is faded & torn now. Conceivably, someone might want it to reupholster. Perhaps I could sell it for cheap then give the money to charity." No offense, but it doesn't sound like an item that many people would want or could use. Reupholstering is pretty pricey anyway so that wouldn't be anyone's bargain. I'd suggest paying to have it removed. As you say, that gives someone some money for doing the labor. And before I get jumped on by those who will say 'beggars can't be choosers' etc, I think that in today's world of mass production when there are a lot of decent items being discarded, charities shouldn't be expected to come haul off decades old, faded and torn heavy furniture. That is a service to you, not the charity. I've called Salvation Army and also a homeless assistance agency here in my town, similar to what has already been described. They have a 'showroom' in which families transitioning from shelters to permanent homes can pick out what they need. Then again I tend to be a serial remodeler, unfortunately. So the stuff I've been discarding is relatively new and although not top of the line, still in pretty good condition. I do have a massive tv armoire that was cheap to begin with and now has the back coming apart, the door hanging etc. I'm going to have my son take that to the trash station when I get ready to replace it; I wouldn't donate it because it is junk. Ann

Thank you for your response, but kids’ want their way and their feelings aren’t taken into consideration all the time, by bio-parents just as easily as step-parents. A child thinks like a child, which generally means self-serving interests. Kid wants yet another bowl of ice-cream before bed; if the step-parent just says No, that is not SM being manipulative or wanting her way. That is SM acting like what she is, an adult and an adult in her own home. Call it what you want, “children first,” etc. There are many names to put on a BM trying to put some sort of spin of child endangerment in dad’s household, that he now shares with his wife. Now, I can’t say for sure what is really going on in that home, but I’m suspecting neither can you. The older, more knowing kids, don’t seem to have THAT much of an issue. Other than the pot, the examples you listed above just don’t scream out abuse. They more-so scream out: big misunderstanding. And, if you allowed your ex- to smoke pot when he was with you and your children, you might want to ask yourself why suddenly now that he is doing it with someone else, somewhere else you are so-o concerned about it and diminishing him to worthless father status. I’ll tell you what the future is for you and your children, because I’ve seen it and heard of it many a time. I’m not saying there is parental alienation syndrome going on here (PAS), because, again, I don’t know all of the facts. But, to me it sounds like you think you should have control of not only your children, but your ex- and his wife, while your children are in their home, at least. And/or, maybe you divorced your loser husband expecting him to suffer for years and years, and instead he found a new wife/ woman a little too quickly? Any way, it is extremely easy for a BM to take minor incidents that occur with her children and blow them out of proportion. This begins a cyclical effect where the kids and BM feed on each other, encouraging each other to think that dad, and especially SM, are Evil or losers or even abusive, and that they don’t have to be listened to, which in turn, upsets dad and SM, so they feel they have to somehow try to get the kids in line further, which then gives the kids even more fodder for mom, and the cycle continues and grows. But, as a BM, I admit, you pretty much have all of the power. It is very easy for you to use that power however you see fit. The court system, society as a whole, will all give you the shadow of a doubt and the shadow of a doubt alone because you are a single mother. Keep things going, and your kids will wind up hating their father, hating SM, and loving and relying on only you. You may go on to get involved or remarry, and the kids will go on to think of step-dad as their “real” dad because mom is promoting him so and not at all just because he deserves that role. There will be issues and drama beyond belief for years to come due to Evil SM and deadbeat bio-dad (that will be your and your children’s spin, anyway). In the end, your kids will think the world of you and hate/ blame their father. When, in reality, the only thing dad and SM may have done wrong is to dare to marry and to try to be happy with each other and dad’s children in their own home. Yes, to some BMs (and SKs and others) that is a crime. Stay out of it. You are the kids’ mom and he is the kids’ dad. You both have the right to parent; just because YOU feel he isn’t parenting that doesn’t mean he isn’t parenting. Regardless, it is up to you how the rest of this plays out. Enjoy your power.