I'm really confused?

First you say it's a good school... you mention the affluent people your DD rubs elbows with, but how does THAT make it a good school? It may be a higher performing school, but having money doesn't make people better. Sometimes it's the opposite, they can become spoiled snobs... because later, you describe the hysterical laughing woman by her "designer jeans & fancy hairstyle". I know you're probably irate at what happened, but from the post, it's obvious that you have a conflict within yourself about money. Personally, I'd rather be poor with dignity & self respect, than have lots of money & act like an immature teenager by laughing at another parent (for any reason) at a school event. She sounds very childish & if the other parents were behaving like children as well, I'd ignore it. I'm sure your mom meant well (in support of you) but for her to point out people talking about you (whether they were or it just appeared that way) was not the best thing for anyone, especially your kids. I'm assuming you were there for them, not to get into a pissing match with anyone else. As for SM's best friend, you can't control what people say or do. No matter what SM has told her, no matter what she tells SM... just be yourself. Say hi to her. Smile when you see her. Really, who cares what they think of you? or what they say. What really matters is how your kids think of you and if you engage in those childish antics, that's a bad example to set for them.

Heck, my son's SM told people I lay around all day drinking alcohol & that I am a whore that sleep with anyone. She said similar stuff in front of or to my son as he was growing up. He knows me. I don't drink. I don't fool around with men, I am home every night & work hard at two jobs during the day. He knew she was making up nasty things to say about me but I would not stoop to her level. All you can do is hold your head high & if you're a good person, with a good heart... who cares if you don't live high & mighty? Kids need love & attention. Sometimes material things ruin them. It's nice if you don't have to worry about money, but people with money usually worry much more than those that have little. They just worry about different things.

You are so far ahead of the game in integrity and class, it's not even funny.

I was raised in a very affluent family: expensive private schools, huge home, fancy vacations, cars, etc.

Guess what?

My mom is an alcoholic with (I think) narcissistic personality disorder; my dad is a rage-a-holic (for lack of a better word) and I had a miserable childhood. My mom spent the better part of twelve years in and out of rehab, the psych. ward and other various treatment programs. When I was twelve years old, she told me I was crazy, and that I was the one who needed to see a shrink. She also called me evil. She locked me out of the house one night when she was drunk---after smacking me in the face over and over again. I was ELEVEN.

She punched me in the nose when I was 15.

My dad just worked and worked and worked, made oodles of money, but didn't do anything to protect me or my brother from the situation.

If you'd seen us on the outside----with our 7000 sq ft home, Mercedes, brand new cars for me and my brother at 16, trips to Hawaii, Europe, etc. you would have thought it was just PERFECT. Two attractive, intelligent people with two attractive, intelligent children.

I now have a mental illness resulting from the environment in which I was raised and am in intense therapy three times a week trying to recover from the emotional abuse I suffered.

It has been HELL.

I would have given anything to have a *loving* mom like you. I REALLY would have. :(

Screw your DD's SM and her b*tchy friends. I know it is so much easier said than done but Ima is right.

"All you can do is hold your head high & if you're a good person, with a good heart... who cares if you don't live high & mighty?"

There really unfortunately is not anything you can do to control what SM says about you. I would just *kill them with kindness.* Be YOURSELF, as nice and friendly to the other moms as always. Make THEM wonder if SM's story might be just a tad biased.

And just--keep reminding yourself, it REALLY doesn't MATTER. I know it's hurtful, though, and I am sorry. :(

I really appreciate you both slapping me with reality. That is what I was hoping for. I have found much more love and happiness with my DH and our pay check to pay check lifestyle than I ever had with exDH and our high credit limits and full bank accounts.
I think my biggest fear when it comes to the money issue is that as DD starts to spend more time with BD and SM she will start to see how much better it is with MONEY for her. They do a LOT of fun stuff. We do a lot of 'free' stuff but still fun. Both kids enjoy everything we do regardless of how much we pay to do it. I am a Target/resale shop shopper and get lots of hand downs from friends with older kids. They shop name brand and expensive stores. DD does not even realize it yet but when she is 14 or 15 won't she realize that dad can give her more of what she wants rather than what I give her (what she needs)? As an adult she will look back and say money wasn't everything I had a good mom that loved me and did her best but it's those teenage yrs that scare me. And have me feeling so insecure.
The reason I think DD is in a terrific school is because of how DD has improved. DD was borderline dyslexic (BD is as well). The poor school we went to did nothing to help DD. They didn't have the money so I had to hire a private tutor for an entire summer between 2nd and 3rd grade to bring her up to a 3rd grade level. Then we moved. This school has her in 4th grade reading on a 6th grade level with no private tutor. And at no extra expense to me. And she is in advanced classes because she tested high last year for the excel program. DD will be fine academically if she keeps her mind focused on school and not on other things. I have my fingers crossed for college scholarships so she can get a good education.

I would never play into their games but I don't want to feel so insecure while visiting with my daughter at school. A few friends have suggested moving her to a different school with less of the higher class families but within the same district. But I have serious issues with moving DD again because it's so hard to be the new kid at this age. I just have to push through the next 10 yrs and hold my head high because on the end no one will remember us or any of this crap. I just don't want DD to suffer bc mom's stop letting Their kids play with DD. That has not happened and I am possibly over reacting there. You are right, if I am nice and don't play these games, they will hopefully realize I am not what I have been portrayed to be.
Bd said to me not long ago, DDs allergies may be flaring up bc you live in an apartment and your carpet is probably got pet dander or something from the previous tenants. And the air vents are shared with your neighbors. My response was 'well we don't live in an apartment and we have brand new carpet and our air vents are not shared, we have our own venting system' he said OH I didn't realize that. I said DDs dr says the pollen count is really high and everyone is having allergies. He said oh that's probably why mine are acting up too. I wanted to say 'see ... Stop being so judgemental '. DD says they check her for lice everytime she visits their house and won't let her have her little bag she takes. I think it's bc they think we are 'nasty' or something. Everyone tells me DD will soon realize what they are doing and it will be them that she doesn't want to be around not me. We can only hope.
I am in therapy too bc of my insecurities. I just have so many of them. I am learning to see myself as worthy instead of seeing myself as a looser. I internalize it so it doesn't really come out into the open. So in front of my kids and family/friends I do hold
my head up and swallow my pride. But once alone I cry and internalize it all, beating myself up for how I think people see me instead of just not caring what they think. I'm working on it...

Myfam...

((((((HUGS))))))

I think we're around the same age. X kept the house too. And the dogs. wah! And MY STATE! I moved. And guess what... I GOT DD!! (fool that he was!)

So now I live in a middle class neighborhood with so-so school that DD loves. X lives in fancy house.

My truck is paid off. It's not new.

But, you know what? You aren't the only one to feel this way. Obviously SM has isses becasue she wouldn't encourage others to treat you bad if she were secure. Obviously ms. fancypants friend wouldn't be laughing to herself if she were truly a good person.

Hold your head up high. You have your child. You are a GOOD person. You are the kind of person I would want for a friend.

I had a friend (we had been out of touch for years) and she got mad at me and said "I have dated senators, my DD goes to X school, I did this I have this I'm somebody". And I told her, I have friends who have no money, I have friends who graduated from Ivy league, I have friends with private jets and high five figure millionaires and I have friends who live paycheck to paycheck.

I could give a rodent's butt how much money someone makes. I put my value in people's attitude.

DD will realize. You just keep being the stable good mommy you are.

(((((hugs again))))))

Silversword - I am 30. SM is 46. BD is 39.
SM loves to play the 'i am older and wiser than you' card and I don't care about that crap. My DH is 39... What's her excuse with him? My DD is older than her DD and I have a second child. She does not. So while she likes to tell me she is more experienced and mature and give me lots of unsolicited advice on parenting, I think to myself this is where I could interject that I have been a mother LONGER than she has and I have twice the experience since I have two. But I don't respond. She has stopped emailing me about what I am doing wrong or how I should try it this way or that way or how I should do this so that DD will learn to do this or that by my 'positive' example, so really I don't deal with that much anymore. But it's the words she used to 'write' through email that are burned into my eyeballs. I am learning to erase them though. I think I have worried so much my entire life about if people like me or what they think of me so it's an old dirty habit. I am learning though.

I have lots of different friends too. Rich, moderate, not rich, single, married, remarried 3 times, and none of it matters! It's how they treat me and how they carry themselves through life that attracts me to being their friends. I will never be friends with some of the parents at DDs school and I am ok with that. I think I just feel like a school girl again when I think people are talking about me.. Or I want them to see my value not what someone else has placed on me through gossip.

SM made a comment to me one time, I washed DDs clothes (a chore I actually enjoy doing for my family). I said thanks!! That makes my life so much easier bc I have so much to do today. She said yes, BD told me you didn't like laundry much so I thought I would help you out. I very much enjoy taking care of my family and making sure they have clean clothes each day. I said Oh that's weird. I guess I am confused but thanks for the helping hand. I think she wanted me to get all territorial and throw some hissy fit temper tantrum. But what I realized was ExDH had told her things about me that were not true or only 1/2 of what was true. I hate doing laundry but I always did it. That man never had to worry if he had clean clothes so I am not sure what he told her. But I didn't bother me, she is the idiot that married him and one day she is going to wake up and say 'i am so tired of doing your laundry while you sit on your behind watching tv every day' I did!! Lol

I am not wealthy, never was and never will be. I don't care if others make more money, nothing to do with me. I am not jealous. Who cares? I suggest you stop carrying. What do you care? Your DD and DS and you are not going around hungry and your kid gets decent education. That's what important, everything else, who cares....

I am middle class, maybe higher end of it if you just look at my income, but compare to most people in my area I am POOR. LOL But i don't really care. Compare to the world starving population I am rich, everything is relative.

To my knowledge SM is not even allowed around your child, so she is pretty much have no say, why is she even talking to you. My DD's SM is very nice yet I talk to her very infrequently, i suggest you stop all conversations, period. She should not have your email or phone number at all.

As for the best friend of the SM talking to others at the school, you can not control that. Just keep taking the high road and be friendly/gracious/helpful where you can.

Parent of one - you are correct - the things she said to me date back to a few years ago. She doesn't talk to me through email anymore. We only speak during our therapy sessions and she makes a point to not look directly at me, as if I am not even in the room. She is now allowed to be around DD for a few hours during BDs weekend visits which are only a few hours long, no over nights and during their therapy sessions.
You are right, what do I care but I do have a ting, ok a lot of insecurity.
I have become humbled by my divorce and now marrying a very NON mateialistic man.
I bellyache over a lot of non important stuff.. I tell DD we are rich with love and With God's love. Right now that seems to be all she understands about being 'rich'...
Man sometimes I wish I were rich though. I would be if I didn't pay for childcare!! Lol now those childcare providers... That's what you call RICH!! Lol

myfampg, my SO sometimes buys lottery tickets and we make plans what we'll buy and how we are going to help everyone when we win jackpot. We are yet to win a buck, but it does not hurt to dream. In our dreams we never settle for small amount, it is always a jackpot. LOL

I have never heard though that childcare providers are rich? I know few childcare providers, and no, they are not rich at all.

Oh I was kidding. I spend $1300 and some change in childcare a month for afterschool care and fulltime care for two. Every dime is worth it. I love the preschool DS goes to and he learns SO much from them. And DD goes to afterschool at her school and she stays very busy and is very safe. It just seems to be a LOT. DS wears a uniform because it is a private preschool. We lack good childcare centers in our area so we don't have much choice. The uniforms are from a special company. Cuts down on clothes for DS since he mainly wears the uniform all week but it gets pricey as he grows or when one is ruined or had to be replaced. During the summer when DD has to go allday it jumps about $250 a month so we are pretty strapped during the summer. Their money goes towards curriculum, building costs, paying their employees and feeding our kids and so much more. I didn't mean to offend any providers, I was just meaning it is a LOT of money but very worth it.

"I don't care if others make more money, nothing to do with me. I am not jealous. Who cares? I suggest you stop carrying. What do you care? Your DD and DS and you are not going around hungry and your kid gets decent education. That's what important, everything else, who cares...."

While on surface level I agree with and share the same sentiment, I don't think it is that easy.

In my therapy, I am learning so much about how our deepest feelings, most intense emotions and insecurities, stem from past experiences usually, from unresolved issues.

It's not usually *about* what it's about, if that makes sense. Your insecurity about finances and ex-DH's lifestyle versus yours is about something deeper and bigger, a fear of being inadequate all around or something.

And I think you cannot *stop caring* until you work through the root issue.

It's not always possible to shut off our feelings, and I would never judge you for expressing how you feel.

Can you bring these issues up with a pastor or your therapist? So someone professional can help you identify and work through them?

Honestly, otherwise they will just continue to fester.

Lovehadley, although I agree that feeling of insecurity is much deeper and needed to be addressed I think it is somewhat age related. When i was 30, i also cared about others think of me and my car/house/clothes. As I got older I stopped worrying as much about others think of me. And it is not just me, it is typical. Although I wish I was 30 again :), deep inside I would not want to be that person again.

Myfampg, your ex thought you lived in apartment while you didn't? He didn't know where his kid lives? I think he needs to feel insecure not knowing where his child lives, not you about your money.

I'm a bit late here but "DD says they check her for lice everytime she visits their house and won't let her have her little bag she takes. I think it's bc they think we are 'nasty' or something." WHAT?!!? That is completely unacceptable. We check SS for lice because he's gotten them while at BM's before - but he doesn't know it! We're "checking to make sure he shampooed his hair properly" because sometimes he just does the wetting but not washing thing - or I'm just rubbing his head while he's curled up with me; all natural things we do anyway but we just seem to do them in a bit brighter light after BM's.

As for SM and her friends, well, you can put lipstick on a pig... Designer jeans and perfect hair are something that can easily be bought - class is not. I am of the opinion that there are some people who think that they can buy class; they are mistaken. Think about the ladies that you truly respect - now picture them if something awful happened and they lost all of their money and possessions and became refugees. Do you still picture them as having class and dignity? Of course!

BTW, I am close in age to your SM, myfam. And my opinion is anyone that obsessed with status symbols at the age that we (SM and I) are is shallow and immature. I think most people should start to find their own interests by that point, not whatever they are told is the latest and greatest.

"As for SM and her friends, well, you can put lipstick on a pig"

HAHAHAHA. Love this.

Parent of one - i can't seem to say anything exactly how it is supposed to come out.

Of course BD knows where I live. He is trying to cut me down by deminishing the fact that we live in condos by calling it an apartment.
By law, he has to know where DD lives and he picks her up at my drive way each time he picks her up. Sorry for not explaining that well enough.
I don't think you and I speak the same language.

Thanks for all of the advice. I have my insecurities and I probably won't get over them because someone tells me too. Love you are right I need to bring it up in my therapy. I know it stems from 1. My mom and her pride financially when I was growing up and 2. My life with ExDH and his need to be validated by his family ... It caused me a LOT of stress and anxiety regarding money. It was like watching someone turn on the faucet and you can't stop them from draining the bank account because it's THEIRS... I don't think it has anything to do with age. Clearly if it did I would not be dealing with a 46 yr old insecure monster.

Myfam, you're communicating fine. We all have insecurities.

PO1: I don't think it's typical at age 30 to be insecure. I think there are a multitude of issues that can make a person react certain ways. There are many people who are never insecure about possessions and many who are insecure until the day they die.

In your case, Myfam, (as in my mothers) you and X had things, then you broke up, and now he's with someone who is so insecure she needs to show you what you are missing (ie, things).

The thing that my SM and Second Wife don't realize is that you and my mom aren't married to their husbands anymore FOR A REASON. SM is constantly trying to shove my dad's money in my mom's face. It's laughable, really.

My SM is extremely insecure about money. And selfish with money. And pretentious. It makes me sick. And DH's family has friends who make the same sorts of comments to me. I've had to grow a thicker skin. I used to cry about it. I think a lot of it is just getting experienced enough to stand your ground.

One of my childhood friends married a wealthy man, and I was at their house one day and she said "I own X number of acres" and then she asked me how much land I owned. Now, this is not a "classy" question to ask someone unless there are circumstances that preclude such a question. Not something one asks in front of other people at a party.

I laughed, and said "hardly any... I live in tract home in suburbia!" And she turned up her little nose. It was amazing to watch. I was laughing outside and screaming inside.

I haven't gone back to her house. She doesn't work. She didn't get her college degree. She married a rich guy. I got my degree. I work as a professional. DH and I have a respectable number of assets for our age.

Can't buy love, can't buy class.

What I've started doing is approaching it with humor. When I said that to my friend it was obvious that quite a few of the older people there were laughing with me because she was so obviously "new money".

Remember that only people who are insecure about what they have will put you down for what you have. Those who are secure will rejoice in your happiness and abilities and want to bring you up.

And know you are not alone :)

Thank you silversword ... You said it perfectly. My 'insecurity' is that I had things but then struggled to get to where I an which seems to be not far beyond struggling. But I am happy. I dated a man with money right after my divorce and I kept thinking I could live like this forever but I Hated so much about this guy. DH is not rich. He comes from money but it won't ever be handed to him. But I am so happy with him. Even with not a lot... I might stress at the end of the month but I see him rolling on the floor with the kids and that stress just disappears. What a wonderful man and father.

I think SM knows that I am insecure about not having all the things they have or seem to have... But I know that in at least 5 yrs she is probably going to be screaming like I was HELP money isn't worth all of this BS!
I totally agree - I am not married to him for a reason ... I very good reason I might add. ExDH cheated on me with her and then on her with me... So... With that being said she can have the lifestyle I will take trust any day over that.

Yep yep yep.

I married a man with money. I walked away with my DD. He's the fool.

But when I see his new GF in "my" living room, or I hear about their trips, it makes me mad. I can understand.

My DH is not rich in money either. But we do ok. and he treats me really well. We are a team. You can't buy that.

I've been talking to a childhood friend, who lost her daughter in a custody battle and because of her drinking problems. She has men with private jets driving? her around the world. She's a model. She *should* be happy. All she wants is to live in suburbia with a man who loves her.

I admitted to her that sometimes I am envious. Who doesn't want to hop a private jet to Milan tonight (yes, that's EXACTLY what she is doing) instead of dealing with a kid with an ear infection and a skid? Well, to be quite honest, I'm pretty content :)

I'll take my whiny snuggle bug and annoying SM and irrational dad and SD who is mature beyond her years in my CA tract home than live the empty life she's living. Even if I am jealous of her mimosas at 10am when I've been at work for four hours already. Even if I do envy her freedom.

See, no matter what there will be someone with more and someone with less. Keep smiling. You have your child. I have mine on my lap right now, all 48lbs of her. Wet hair, snuffly nose. I'm in PJs. We had pizza for dinner. She is safe. I am safe. Hopefully tomorrow she will feel better and I will be able to deal with smom and dad and create a memory for these two girls I've been entrusted to care for.

Really, all we have is today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I can tell you that I'd stand in your corner any day. At our age, we have the whole world ahead of us. Don't get discouraged. And remember that "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt ...

Silver. . . that was awesome

That was awesome silversword. My dad reminds me of that all the time. I will say someone was trying to manipulate me. Just in conversation. He says, ' no one is manipulted, they let themselves be manipulated'. And you are so right. I have my DD and DS and this awesome man and the rest does not matter!!!

Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt who said something like, "No one can make me feel inadequate without my permission"? So don't give them permission. To predicate your self of self worth on having "stuff" is so pointless, the stuff can disappear and then what are you left with? Base your sense of self worth on your SELF. That will always be with you.
I think it was Katharine Hepburn's mother who told her, "Don't worry what others think, they don't do it very often." Who cares if you own or rent? Really? A huge proportion of the world's population rents, doesn't make tham any better or worse than anyone else. How you allocate your income is no-one's affair. If someone sneers at you because they own and you rent, BFD. Doesn't make them a better person.

what a moron myfampg is your ex! I lived in apartments most of my life (strategically moving into affluent areas so DD can attend the best schools, areas where I could only afford renting not owning) and so what? I made a choice. By the way most of the world population lives in apartments. People who live in the cities, live in apartments. owning a house means nothing really. Plus nobody owns houses in the US, banks own them, and people pay mortgage.

I don't think everyone is insecure at 30, but certainly as one gets older one cares less of others opinions.

I also think if one has good career and loves it but it does not pay much then there is nothing to be insecure about. Some jobs pay less than others. If I was underemployed or work dead end jobs, then maybe I felt insecure. i have very rewarding career. So why would i feel insecure? My ex makes way more money than me but he owns a big international (somewhat well known) company. I don't want this kind of job. I am not interested. My SO makes a lot of money but I don't like his line of work either. I do what i like.

I also think one should be happy their exes make money, it means that their kids are provided for or at least there is some contribution.

I do know a lot of people who hate their jobs, or just endure it. No matter what it pays, it wouldn't make me happy. I am proud of what I do so i don't care if others do something else that pays more.

"I also think one should be happy their exes make money, it means that their kids are provided for or at least there is some contribution."

You would think!

But so many are BITTER about it.

BM is constantly making hostile, resentful remakrs about the fact that DH has more money than her.

Which is NOT hard to do considering that he WORKS incredibly hard for our family. She is the one who CHOSE to have two more babies and remains on welfare. Between the two of them, she and her DH have FOUR kids.

They are never going to get ahead and she is full of resentment about it towards DH.

But it's so annoying because he works so hard to make money and provide a nice life for his family. He owes nothing to BM---nor is it HIS problem that she is so financially strapped.

Yet somehow she acts like it is.

Yep - I am often a person that needs to be reminded of those very important quotes and FACTS ... I am happy that ExDH does ok - he pays support and that contributes to DDs college fund and basic needs/child
care. They have one income and we have two. And because I am privelage to his income - I know that he makes the same to the penny as my DH. But they are 'lucky' fortunate or whatever to have SMs ex paying a LOT of support ... I joke .. Why couldn't I have divorced her ex. I do need to remember that it's a pain in his side to be paying ME (as he calls it of course) so their life style should not effect me or make me feel insecure.

When exDH and I were married we made more
money because he worked ALL the time and was hourly ... He was never home. Even volunteered for holidays because the overtime pay was amazing. But I was alone on almost every holiday... Well he still works like that and probably is never home but I love that my DH is always home and we do everything together. So I have that and that makes me happier just thinking about it.

I have really worked on my feelings the last couple of weeks especially through the holidays. Everyone has an insecurity but this is what I do have. I have my security and no one will ever take it from me. Not ever again. I am proud of my life. I am proud of my children. I am proud of my family and I love my little home. :)

Yay Myfam!

My X worked a lot too. He was never home. I said if I ever got married again it wouldn't be to a man who worked like that. So lonely. I feel you.

It's good to work through those feelings. I think everyone has them to some degree. Just don't let them control you :)

Love, I would LOVE to have more kids. But I can't see it happening. It kind of makes me sad that those who don't think about the future just pop them out... while I'm probably overthinking things :( I just can't bring another baby into the world without having things more together. I consider adopting sometimes...