Seriously,

I understand, but I also have been blessed with useful information. I choose to ignore the "hateful" words. Skip their posts, read what is important. In the last few days a few of you have been of wonderful help to me.

I hope you can see that.

I too find the step parent forum depressing and discouraging. But what bothers me the most if you read the entire step parent forum, is how so many of the children being raised in these homes, are hated, or resented.

I understand that there are step children/bio parents that do make things hard for step parents. And yet it makes me sad to think that so many children are being raised in homes where they are unwelcome, resented, and even hated. As these children grow into the adults they will one day become, it makes me sad that they spent their childhood not in a home with parents who loved them, and cheered them on, but who fought, and resented them.

We can only hope that what this step parent forum has shown us over the last few years, is not the norm.

But perhaps it is unrealistic to believe that you can take a family, divorce, and another "mom" figure (maybe with children of her own), moves in with dad, and they become a separate family, and yet are connected with the original mom, who now feels threatened that she not only was replaced, but that she feels threatened and defensive that this new woman, is doing her best to win the hearts of her children, as well. And the fight is on. She is not about to lose both her husband, and children to the woman trying so hard to impress him, and win them over. The two women deeply resent one another and one wonders how something good can ever come from this.

Or the step parent trying her best to get them to go away, so she can have their dad parent her children, and/or any children "they" may have, and form a new family, pretending his children do not exist, because her picture of her family, does not include them.

But I understand that divorce is happening. And sometimes, it is through no fault of the woman (or man) who will one day step into the role of step parent. And their intentions may be honorable. To become a part of this family.

I want to recognize and applaud the step parents out there, who are wonderful people, who have stepped into this role, and are doing the job the bio parent wouldn't or couldn't do. And I applaud you for stepping up to the plate, persevering, and trying to make a home and a place for your spouses children. For being the solid person with two feet on the ground, doing your best to make a home for these little ones who need you, and the calmness and sanity you can provide in the midst of the turmoil that swirls around them. For those of you who do your best to love these children, in spite of it all, and to try and make a stable and loving home for them, are worthy of respect.

Very nicely said!!!

To all the step parents out there that wish for the children to go away or wishing the first family did not exist, I say

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED A MAN/WOMAN WITH CHILD(REN)."

I have a hard time sympathizing with those people that didn't think it through before getting into a step family situation. Or worse, if they did think about it and planned or plotted to get rid of the first family.

I do, however, feel differently when the step parent goes into it with best intentions and over time, begins to regret or resent the situation because the ex, the step children, or some of the issues become unbearable. I do believe that if you entered into it with good intentions and are frustrated, then it's never too late to get counseling, take a parenting class or look for new ways to make it better.

Blending two families is hard work. There are going to be obstacles and even some stone walls to climb over sometimes. It isn't always going to be rewarding or appreciated by the children and may be resented by the ex.

Like KeepIt, I try to ignore the rude comments and infighting and focus my attention on constructive comments.
The trouble doesn't just come from TOS or KKNY - almost everyone (myself included) says the occasional snarky thing.

I think there's a lot of valuable insight to be gained from the experiences and advice of the other people on here, even if it's just using someone's post as example of what you DON'T want to do!
It's also nice to see that we're not alone in the challenges we face as caregivers to children that are not biologically our own. I feel much more confident in my role with my BF's son because of what people here have to say.

Yes, the fighting gets frustrating, but it's better here than some of the other boards I've seen! I looked long and hard for a board I felt comfortable on and chose this one. Remember the thread awhile back about stepfamily nomenclature?? I saw a similar thread on another site where the BMs on that site attacked SMs for daring to use "mom" in their title at all, and pitched fits that it's derogatory to use the term BM for brevity on the internet, and that they should be called RMs (Real Moms) and that SMs should be called "D'sW" (Dad's Wife). Talk about not a nice place!!
Also, I hate those damned smileys that people litter their posts with on other sites and love that there aren't any here! I don't want to see a line of emoticons expressing your mood that day at the bottom of a post!! I want a plain text post, with perhaps the occasional ;) or :( to make your point. (But that's a side note)

June, I'm sorry to hear that you'll be leaving us. I think you gave a lot of valuable insights. You'll be missed.

Thanks ceph,

I'm hoping that we can have some contact still with june, and the like junes. I really value the information that is not clogged with bitterness and resentment. We all go through tough transitions and it really helps when someone who's experienced it or just a third perspective can be like "hey you're wrong" or "I've been there and this is what I did.

Anyway, that being said, I hope we can keep in touch.

I go back and forth on whether I want to get involved in this forum and I have been following it for several years! It has actually become a little game for me when I read these forums. A desperate unsuspecting new poster will come along and post about a situation they are in looking for advice and I have gotten in the habit of reading the post and taking notes of all the things I think TOS and KKNY are going to pick apart. It's sad, but rarely am I not right about predicting what their post is going to be about.

There are some great people on this forum - People who generally want to have a successful relationship within their families. They come in here seeking help and advice when they are sometimes in frustrating situations. It is especailly enlightening when I read a post from someone who realizes their mistakes and is now looking for another way to solve the problem. I feel so much hope for their success!

Then there are others who are looking for validation that it is okay to be mean and nasty to their step family and this includes both the parents and children. I cringe when I read those threads. Unless they can open their minds to trying to solve the problem and that usually requires taking ownership of some your own irresponsible behaviors, then I don't ever see those families ever being healthy families.

I really just wish that everyone who posted something here would think about what they post and that if you are not helping to solve the problem then maybe you are the problem.

Ceph and Keepit,

Thank you. I'm going to take a break from posting and be a silent observer for a while. Hopefully things will improve.

Keepit, I have read of your continuing situation and I think I might be able to provide some insight. If you would like to, you may email me at sjune82@yahoo.com. Please post on this forum if you send an email, so that I know it is you.

June

Thanks. Email sent