DH,SS, Baby Momma Drama & I'm not up for it.

16 years ago

Tonight when DH got home from work, he starts talking to me about the current Baby Momma Drama SS30 is dealing with the past few days. Apparently BabyMomma doesn't want SS's live in GF around "her" son (the girl is fine/nice)it's a jealousy thing and everytime he hooks up with a new girl she starts this. They have shared custody. Tonight there was some drama and she insisted on coming over and picking up GS on SS's time, blah, blah, blah.

I've heard about it for 8 yr.s no one does anything to make a positive change here so I have removed myself from the insanity, cause I just do not want to live my life according whatever crisis SS has created for himself.

I digress, I listen to the long tale of woe and DH says he is bringing GS to work with him tomorrow and home to spend the night with us afterwards and we will just take him to the movie we had planned to go see..Umm ok. I say well I have to work early the next morning, DH says well GS doesn't have school and I'll take care of him. OK, My only other concern that I verbalized was if BM finds out he's here she will probably want to come get him, and DH will have to deal with that. BUT the bottom line is SS was having drama, and DH felt the need to insert himself into the middle of it and possibly add to drama by taking kid to spend the night knowing full well BM is on the rampage.

Why, I ask you all why would you do that? Now I said nothing, wouldn't matter what I said anyway, but can we all see where this is going?

I would love to have GS come for a visit on our terms (regular lets go visit gramma & grampa-no drama)Both parents ok and in full knowledge of where GS is.

I know DH has wanted to have him over for the night, but the timing is bad for me and he just put it out there & that's whats going on.

It may seem like a trivial thing. Of course DH wants to spend time with GS BUT DH also wants to take the kid for the night when he knows BM is on a nut and I think wathc/here her start more crap or make her upset in someway since she does not know where we live any longer.

I don't like the way this went down. I feel DH is way to involved in his sons personal life to the point of almost being a partner in crime and I think it is just not normal.

Thoughts? I should be sleeping but I had to write it out & get it off my chest. I didn't say to DH that I feel this is very sick behavior, which I do. I do not think it would matter to him what I think about his behavior here. Me thinks it could get ugly, and I am not getting involved in this mess period. What could he possibly be hoping to acheive here? Other than thumbing his nose at BM for causing his son some grief. Not his business!!

I will say CODA has done me so much good. I did not get sucked into the whole thing, spoke very little and then just changed the subject after he finished ranting about poor SS. My thoughts: I really, really need to get out of this sick family.

~Cat

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Comments (9)

justmetoo
16 years ago
--"Other than thumbing his nose at BM for causing his son some grief. Not his business!!"--

While I think SS should stop moving GFs in and out like the house has a revolving door and stop exposing GS to his latest woman until or unless it is a true stable relationship expected to grow and become long term (yeah, fat chance given SS other issues), I kinda see where your DH is coming from on this one (unless DH plans are for this to be a ongoing 'solution').

Given the drama at SS's and it being SS's time for GS, I can see DH trying to help here for the GS. No, DH should not deal with all the Baby Momma/current GF thing, but removing GS for a relaxing evening with DH (and you) gets GS outta the thick of it and allows GS and Grandpa some one on one.

Baby Momma and SS are going to have to work this out and/or slug it out in court...and your DH should stay out of that part and let SS's dysfunctional life/lifestyle fall at SS's own feet.... but in the immediate time frame, maybe you can think of it as DH not doing this for the SS but for the GS.

But DH has got to let SS know this is not a solution to the issue, it's just a quick fix for GS's sake and that while GS will be welcomed to visit Grandpa and hang together on and off, that he will be just that , Grandpa, and not the white knight that rides in and saves the day for SS's current issues and messes. For this one night DH is doing this for GS and in the meantime SS and Baby Momma are to get this worked out.

And for your own peace of mind, Cat, just let it roll off your shoulders. You're leaving soon, don't stress over all this crap for the few more weeks or so that you're there. Enjoy an evening and movie with GS, kid did not get a voice in chosing his father, mother, or grandparents, and while there's hope you get to walk away and finally lead a normal life, this little guy is stuck.
catlettuce
Original Author
16 years ago
Oh, I hope it doesnt sound like I don't want GS to visit, the part that bothers me is I know once BM finds out GS is with us & not with SS she will then start acting out and insisting on knowing where we live, sending police to get him, etc, etc....this was a big part of the reason for my wanting to leave and one of the things that made living with SS and the constant drama unbearable for me.

GS himself is a doll & I do enjoy having him over. I just don't want involvment in this nor do I want BM using this as an excuse to start harassing me again or calling 15 times when we have him.

~Cat
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catlettuce
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16 years ago
"While I think SS should stop moving GFs in and out like the house has a revolving door and stop exposing GS to his latest woman until or unless it is a true stable relationship expected to grow and become long term (yeah, fat chance given SS other issues), I kinda see where your DH is coming from on this one (unless DH plans are for this to be a ongoing 'solution'). "

I have made this very point to DH MANY times. This is live in GF # 3 in the past 2 year.s GS gets very attached to the new "mommy" yes SS even had him calling last GF "Mommy", then BM hears how nice GF's are and gets upset.

Add to it that my DH is paying half (at least) of the house pyt. So SS now again has a new live in, 2 new puppies in addition to the old one he cant pay vet bills for. He continues to make poor life decisions and DH doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. (so I do not let DH suck me into these convos any more) IMHO GS does suffer being put in the middle. DH said last night GS got upset and cried & hid in the closet after his mom called and decided to come get him.

DH & SS of course blame everything on BM. Yes, I know I am planning on not being around for another 10 years of this but poor GS! And if only this were a temp solution,but it's really the same old same old.

I am trying to just turn it over, remain univolded because I am really powerless here regarding this situation. I think it's just incredibly frustrating to me to realize so many years have gone by and so much of my marriage has been spent wrapped up in all this and even giving him the house and moving away, us being to broke to do the things we would like to do or go places we would like to go because he cant just let SS figure & deal with his stuff. I am still getting sucked into all the drama-even having to listen to it I feel my blood pressure rise. Ugh..thanks for listening.

~Cat
finedreams
16 years ago
i guess SS has no commitment problem, new live in GFs all the time, lol

but jokes aside this is just awful, a colleague of mine just moved in herself and her 9 year old DD with a BF she met online 3 months ago, and they already plan on moving out in 6 months because it is not working out, i don't know why people subject their children to such nonsense. why DH pays for this?
catlettuce
Original Author
16 years ago
Lost my earlier posts.. somethings going on with the forums again so I'll make this shorter.

Visit went fine, GS had a nice time & we enjoyed him with no crazy phone calls etc. Guess BM's issue is with SS having another woman living with GS again. Although their relationship and custody battles have been on-going since birth of GS. I just don't want to deal with it anymore, nor do I want to be the drop in babysitter again. It used to be several times a week and I thought moving away would help resolve it. DH accepts sitting duty without discussing it with me.

Anyway, we had fun, was no big deal last night thankfully!

~Cat
finedreams
16 years ago
bunch of my posts are gone too

i did read your previous post about how the evening went and now I see it is gone,
justmetoo
16 years ago
Glad the overnight went drama free, Cat. It likely did the little one some good to spend a peaceful evening.

I must admit I am guilty of sometimes volunteering for babysitting duty without discussing it over with my DH (unless I know we/he has other plans), but never when it's to be more than just one of the of Gkids. Poor guy usually excuses himself and runs and hides on 'Slumber Party At Grandma's House' nights where they all come and the evening is meant to be totally a kids event for all the kids.
mom2emall
16 years ago
I did not read the posts other people wrote. But my thoughts are your dh was trying to help his son show the bm that she can not just cut his visitation short. I do believe on her part that is wrong to try to cut visitation short because the childs father has a woman around. I also do believe that ss should not be exposing his child to random girls all the time.

I have seen judges allow things in the custody order such as when the child is with their father they will not be around any women who are not relatives. That may be something this girl persues if she is serious.

I did not like the fact that when my son was 3 my ex was going out of town for the weekend and planning on letting his gf use his visitation. I told him I would switch weekends with him, but that his visitation was for him. I spoke to my lawyer who advised me that if ex came to pick up our son I had to release him even if I knew he would not be home all weekend with him. And if he had a babysitter during his time that was his business. Unless my son was neglected or harmed there was really nothing I could do.
catlettuce
Original Author
16 years ago
Mom2, I'm sure that was part of it. The custody thing has been a war since GS was born. There have been many times that BM left Gs for weeks at a time and no one could find her, she was jailed for 6 months when he was a baby. And there's been different live in GF's since he & BM broke up. So they both have issues. I'm just so weary of their issues affecting me.

I have lost all hope of SS every learning to stand on his own two feet and make good life decisions because DH will never ever let him. I do not think DH should have got involved in it. That said it was a very nice evening with GS & we enjoyed him tons.

I just believe the SS & his Ex need to deal with their "wars" themselves or through the courts and not suck everyone else down the black hole with them including Gs. Agree with the rotating door of live in GF's too.

I asked DH pointedly tonight if this GF was now also living in our house with SS (since he said SS needed our dog cage for her dog that is living there)and he said "I don't know." Which I know for a fact is an outright lie. I am so angry with him because he lies to my face. Even though I know did this because he knew I would be pissed, I am so sick of being lied to I am having a difficult time with him even trying to touch me in any way. I really wish I could get past any expectations & therefore my anger because it is hard to feel so negative all the time.

~Cat

DH,SS, Baby Momma Drama & I'm not up for it.

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