Need baby momma advice...

10 years ago

My partner and I have been together two years, live together, and he has a toddler who stays with us part-time. Long story short, my partner cheated on me with his baby momma as well as lied about us being together in the beginning of our relationship. In the end we decided to try to work it out and are together and generally happy now. However, I still have an extremely hard time dealing with my emotions about his ex. I resent the fact that she is a part of my life at all. I also feel disrespected by her and know that she has talked about me behind my back as she is a rude and spiteful person. My partner supposedly told her that she has no right to do so, but I have doubts about him telling me the full truth about other incidents. In addition the baby momma is invited to every family and holiday event which puts a lot of stress on me as like I said, I think she is disrespectful and goes out of her way to do things to annoy me (follows my partner around, touches him, etc). He is always telling me that we just have to be the bigger people but I am so tired of being the mature one. I don't think he has established appropriate boundaries with the baby momma and he claims he doesn't see the problem. For instance, due to the cheating and our history, I have asked him to have no conversation or contact with her except that about the child. About a month ago, I found out he has been playing her in a game on his phone. This really bothered me because I have asked him to not have any connections with her. He said he would stop playing, then a few days ago I come to find out that she asked him why he stopped, and he said because I wouldn't allow him to play. I literally burst into tears when I found out because I feel embarassed and betrayed. It's no one's business what goes on privately in our relationship and I feel that by telling her this, he threw me under the bus. He says that it's just the truth and if I don't want to be the reason he isn't allowed to do things, I have to "stop being the reason." I don't want her knowing anything about me let alone my insecurities and feelings about their interaction. So, in short, I feel violated and betrayed and in addition, guilty for "overreacting" and "causing problems when there aren't any". Not to mention the fact that I'm constantly reminded that the most important person is the child, so I apparently should out myself last. Feeling burnt out, sad, and insecure, as well as anxious about having to spend the upcoming holiday with this person I can't stand. Please please help. Thank you.

Comments (8)

catlettuce
10 years ago
Move along-two years can turn into ten in the blink of an eye. It's not worth it.

~Cat
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
No matter what he *says*, his primary relationship is still with his child's mother.

which makes you the other woman.

& at this point in the relationship, he should be showing you his best side;
time and the lack of negative consequences for the way he's treating you now will make him act worse & worse.

Learn from this young woman's experience.

I wish you the best.

Here is a link that might be useful: To Disengage or Not
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Amber3902
10 years ago
>>He says that it's just the truth and if I don't want to be the reason he isn't allowed to do things, I have to "stop being the reason." No, HE has to be the reason things stop. If the affair is over, he would not be playing online games with her or have any kind of contact with her, except regarding the child.

Think about this way, if you cheated on him, but realized it was a mistake and wanted to work things out with your BF, would you decide to play a game with your ex-lover on your phone? You would do everything you can to make sure your behavior was beyond suspicion.

There is no reason for her to be invited to holiday and family events. They aren't together, your BF can divide the holiday time so each parent gets to spend time with the child without having to deal with each other. You are right, your BF has inappropriate boundaries with his baby mama, and tries to make you feel guilty for daring to voice your concerns.
lyfia
10 years ago
I think you deserve better and should dump the idiot. BTW that was me putting it mildly. He is not worth your agony or even worry about. If he cared about you he wouldn't be disregarding your feelings and knowing that he already cheated on you and in 2 years time hasn't built that trust up again with you then he is really not worth your time.

You deserve much better and although it is tough to break up your long term relationship that little voice in your head is telling you something. Try to listen to it. I'm certain it will be a rough few months, but be strong and I have a feeling you'll start wondering to yourself why you didn't do it sooner.
emma
10 years ago
I agree. There are so many things in life like that and when we do finally put a stop to it, we end up wondering why we wasted all those years.

I will give you a little advice that my Mom gave me when I was unhappy, it does work. If you do decide to end the relationship, try not to dwell on it afterwards, redirect your thoughts to happier things and stay busy. Do things that make you feel good. For me it is reading and good movies. I also found playing video games which leaves no time to dwell on anything but the games.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
good thoughts, emma.

I used to encourage all my friends when they had break-ups, or when they were feeling like they weren't getting what they needed from a relationship, to take a big step back & "go cold turkey" for at least a month.

no contact, no dates, no sex,
no phone calls, emails, texts,
no acceptance of flowers (give them to the gal at the front desk)
no going through photos, no crying over your favorite songs, no eating at your favorite places.

Within about a month, you should have a really clear, fresh perspective.
emma
10 years ago
Thanks Sylvia, I think sometimes I have to much pride, but I will not give the other person the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. I will say goodbye with a smile. If on occasion we met, I will smile at them and move on.
taylermarie
Original Author
10 years ago
Thank you all for your advice, I've really been struggling with this.

Need baby momma advice...

Comments (8)

catlettuce

sylviatexas1

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Need baby momma advice...

Comments (8)

catlettuce

sylviatexas1

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Amber3902

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taylermarie
Original Author