I'm not married; I don't participate this forum. I just feel compelled to point out that very few SMs on the SF forum write openly about how much they hate their SKs. There are often voices of frustration, stress or anxiety and occasionally of dislike... But when you read the rest of what most posters have to say, they're usually trying to work it out, want to not be frustrated, or are trying to like their SC more. Even the most troubling post of late (the woman who has the 11yo SS who she thinks is a bad role model) is someone looking to make things better, she's just having a LOT of trouble with it and needs to do some growing up herself. After a quick look the marriage forum, I see plenty of posts about trouble that people are trying to work through. At present these posts include porn, potential infidelity, disrespect, sexual dysfunction, potential separation, and, my favourite, wanting to use his mother as a marriage counselor. But this shouldn't make anyone want to run away from marriage, because these are stories of people trying (for the most part) to deal with their troubles and make their lives better for everyone involved. You likely wouldn't want a single person saying that marriage is bad because they saw that many people on this board face obstacles. So, please try to remember that stepfamilies have unique challenges with unique solutions and that it's important that there is a space for people (mostly SMs, but some SDs and SKs) to talk about them without criticism from outsiders.

Hi, Part of what I have gone through with my Step-mother is here...http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg0812243515628.html?46. I commented a few years ago to this post, so you will need to scroll down to where I commented to read about us. There is more to the story, but that was all I wanted to write when I was 16. I am 20 now. There is more about my Half-brother in this forum somewhere that I have included in another comment. If this seems like a story that you would like to hear more about, please comment on here that you would like to know more, and I will type more of my story. Hope this helps you. AR_Dramaqueen

Regardless of my word choice, and I agree about broad statements about groups of people, there is still a huge hurtle here. If you look at what can be done today moving forward I say she has a challenge being pressured ( fathers word) to bond with a 11 year old girl and 14 year old boy. Especially if they are not willing. And all my other points still apply- takes two to bond and sometimes people, biologically related or not, do not "click." Using your point about generalizations- I suggest that because she is a stepmother she Is unfairly categorized by society ... As in " stepmothers have difficulty bonding with stepchildren." Or " evil step mother" This is a century old theme dating back as long as ther have been fairy tales . Even you imply that she should have bonded with them when they were young- some how it is her fault that she did not. She was a childless adult , not everyone is A natural with kids, until they have their own. If she was the biological mother of both children and clicked more with say the son than the daughter - no one would blame anyone. They would say "oh they don't get along because they are so much alike." Or something like that.

Stop answering questions that had nothing to do with you for starters. Whatever happened in someone else's relationship is not your place to discuss with the grandkids. It does not matter why the marriage failed it is not something you discuss with them. Who cares if they think one way and you happen to know they think wrong. You should have switched the subject long before the 'slip' came rattling out. What happens/ed is up to the parents to discuss with their children when and if they decide the tidbits are any of the children's business. Politely telling grandkids to mind their own business and/or telling them the topic is something they need discuss with their parents is all you needed to say. Nothing you say on your weekly visits should be anything that can not or should not be repeated when the kids get home. True, they should not be being grilled, but as you're now known to feel entitled to set topics straight (even if slipped) and/or allowed such topics to be discussed in the first place...well, you've left yourself wide open for the parents to protest and suspect. All you can do now is be certain there will be no personal discussions of such nature again. The believed 'offense' has already occurred so now it will take time to rebuild the damaged relationship (if it can at all be repaired). As far as the get-togethers, it really depends on what the adult children are doing. Are they saying bad things to you while there? Omitting you completely from the social talk? Glaring daggers at you? Just 'treating you badly' leaves plenty of room for about anything and/or everything my imagination can think up. If the adults are truly deliberately making you uncomfortable and are truly misbehaving and going out of their way to make you totally unwelcome, that's more serious than say 'She did not say hello to me when I entered the room'. While you don't necessarily have to 'like' each other, as grown women you both should be able to tolerate each other for an occasional afternoon. If it's not so, excuse yourself and stay home. Just tell your husband you have no intentions of attending a family event where you are poorly treated and unwelcome. I would think he could also remind his daughter that when she visits someone else's home (like husband's mother's home or another relative and/or mutual friend)she too is a guest and should mind her manners out of respect for the host. I'd see no need though for you to be expected to visit the daughter's actual home if she does not want you there. She must not think you are all that bad if she continues to use you as her babysitter every Sunday. She has not tried to ban the grandkids from you. Seems the lady thinks you're fine to babysit and be grandma, just not ok to discuss personal topics with her children while they are present. You can't stop her from wagging her tongue to other church members. Best you can do there is see to it you don't do anything that gives her reason to gossip. If you have a clear conscience than she has nothing to wag about but untrue gossip that your true friends in the church having known an asociated with you will know is untrue.