Learning to breathe again

15 years ago

I am learning to breathe again. I was in a relationship with my BF for a year and a half before we broke up. We lived together, were engaged, and almost had a baby until I miscarried. I know this will sound harsh, but I am glad the pregnancy never unfolded. Although I love him, it was just not the right time.

After a break up of two months, we decided to get back together. The problems we had before had A LOT to do with him having a daughter and a very present ex-wife. I used to really want to be involved and almost have the same rights as the BM. However, after being single and without that responsibility for awhile, I learned that I didn't want to be as involved. That what that little girl would get from me is a friend and another role-model. But I would not be the one to worry about picking her up from school, worry about her homework getting done, worry about her getting to bed on time, worry about her eating dinner, worry about her getting up in the morning the next day and having her uniform, etc.

I told this to my BF the other day and he understood but wished that I would still want to be that involved. I explained to him my reasoning and liked that I stood firm on how I felt. I realized that he needed to deal with my new resolutions because, through experience, my old ones were just not working. I hope that one day we do get married and have children so I can raise them the way I see fit, but for now this is perfect. I get to experience what it is like to have a little person around who loves me and who I get to care for at times, but when she gets too difficult, it is perfect to be able to refer her to her parents who will need to handle her while I relax and enjoy my lack of parental responsibilities.

I have a lot to say on this issue, but for now, this is all I want to post.

-B

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (8)

lovehadley
15 years ago
This is really great. I'm glad you have been able to find a strong sense of peace in backing off a bit, and redirecting the responsibility to this little girl's parents. It's great that you can reduce your own stress and disengage, but still have a wonderful relationship with her.

Sometimes I envy that. I wish I could disengage more at times. The problem I experience is that a) I am home with the kids---the *available* parent. So it's understood that part of my *job* is doing for the kids.

Secondly, even if I were to work full time, and put more of SS onto my DH, I still have my own bio DD. Same age as SS.

So it's really tricky to be like, "No, SS I can't pick you up from school but I CAN pick DD up. No, SS, you need to ask your mom or dad to take you shopping for new soccer cleats; you're going to have to stay home with DAD while I take DD shopping for hers. No, SS, I can't help you with your homework, wait till Dad gets home, but, oh, I'm going to go help DD with hers."

Not really possible.

It's tough sometimes because I AM a full fledged parent to SS when he is with us (50% of the time) but still JUST a SM.

Anyway, glad you shared this positive news. Sounds like things are going in a good direction.
sweeby
15 years ago
You know, I think BioDads should have to sit down and actually *write out* a job description for their wife/girlfriend when it comes to parental rights & responsibilities for Dad's kids.

Ridiculous? Sure -- But just imagine what it might say. Parental tasks? Long, long list... Responsibilities? Virtually all. Rights? Virtually none. Decision-making authority? Absolutely! (Unless Dad disagrees at which point, Dad has total authority and SM/GF has none.)

Honestly, just making the guys write FACE what it is they ask of a woman -- just taking away the deniability and 'I never said that' factor --

On second thought, prospective wife should write an outline and make an appointment (OK, several!) with prospective hubby and a marriage counselor to negotiate things through. Wouldn't that be hilarious?
Related Discussions
Speaking of Brits and hedges in the same breath...
Q
Comments (3)
Hedgehogs are a gardeners friend, eating slugs and snails and other undesirables. They have a cute nose and chubby little hands which they curl up under them if they feel threatened and what you see is a prickly ball. They also carry around some nasty parasites. Mythologically hedgehogs are a delicacy of gypsies who supposedly enclose the creature in a ball of clay and put this on an open fire, when the clay is hard baked it cracks open exposing the meat within, with spines stuck to the clay. I have never tried it but chances are, without a huge dollop of ketchup it might taste a bit like road kill.
...See More
All of the 2007 KBG renovators, take a breath and relax.
Q
Comments (15)
Great post, Egghead. You are, as usual, exactly correct. Lawn season did not start two weeks ago, when the temps first hit sixty. Lawn season may start, and it may not, this weekend, now that the temps have hit sixty for two weeks running (and I have to add "more or less"). Those of us who mowed, or who drove those tractors over the lawn, may have been (again, I have to add 'more or less') losing more to friction damage than we gained from the scouting around. We have been temporarily blessed, here in mid-Michigan, by a full week w/o rain, and with increasing temps and plenty of sunshine. Because of that, but only because of that, the season is starting, or about to start. More cloudy, or more rain, would have dictated that no, it hasn't started yet. Yet I confess that I am as guilty as the rest. I am, like you, just like a seven year old, who now fully appreciates Christmas, far more than a five or six year old ever could. And there it is: Christmas advertising, the day after Thanksgiving. Why can't Christmas get here sooner? It just doesn't seem fair...... And, as you know, it will get here. We just have to wait. We have to appreciate the delay, and recognize that it isn't actually something that we've done 'wrong' and that there's nothing for us, at present, to be doing. We have to be more like fishermen (I'm not one) or poker players (I am one) and let the situation develop, while we are watching, and be ready to toss the bait, yet patient enough not to toss the bait too early.....while knowing, the whole time, that the right opportunity would be here in just a bit. Let's do that.
...See More
I said it before and I'll say it again: 'The More I Learn...
Q
Comments (4)
The zone info can be very confusing, and to add to that is the fact that every yard has it's own little "micro-climate" areas. On the north side in the shade, you will need to go at least one zone down to get hardy plants, while on the south side in the sun you can go one zone up and still have plants that survive most winters. And to complicate matters further, the heat in the summer also plays an important role in which plants will thrive and which will curl up and cry "uncle!" Personally, I try almost any plant that is listed as zone 7 (in ANY reference!) in whatever area of the yard seems right for the plant. Zone 8 plants get put in a foundation bed on the south side of the house and so far I've had good luck with them. Like so many of the so called "rules" of gardening, zones are not set in concrete. If you like the looks of a plant and want to give it a try, find the spot in YOUR yard that seems like the best bet and go for it!
...See More
A lesson well learned (again)
Q
Comments (1)
Vicki--your words are so very gracious, and in light of the pain you're in, I can't say enough of my own words to thank you, adequately, for the kindness you are expressing here. I know, the reality of one of our own, going through the process he is, has to be a rekindling of your own pain, which is still in it's most tender stage. Just know--while no one or anything can really diminish the raw edge of the pain of such a great loss, in time, the wound heals, but the scar is there, as it should be when someone is taken from us in this life. The scar will always remind you of your grand-daughter, but you will think of the good things you remember her for more than the acute pain of loss you have right now! You will have times you want to pick up the phone to call her and tell her something really exciting or to share a concern, and actually that still happens to me on occasion, with the loss of my parents. I want them to see my garden, so very badly, and my grandchildren and the love we all still share and I want the joy to be shared with them of 'new things', etc. But--I know they are experiencing a joy of their own, this life cannot come close to duplicating. I pray, that you have the same comfort and that you are stengthened and given the peace to live the days, the weeks, the years it takes for the pain to diminish and joyful memories to fill your thoughts of your dear granddaughter!!! If you ever need to 'talk' beyond the forum, please feel free to email me--nothing I can say, here, will make your pain go away, but there is a strength that is available to any who are open to it, if you feel you need it, and, I am willing to 'listen' which is something we often need to do for one another, just 'listen'!!
...See More
mattie_gt
15 years ago
"Parental tasks? Long, long list... Responsibilities? Virtually all. Rights? Virtually none. Decision-making authority? Absolutely! (Unless Dad disagrees at which point, Dad has total authority and SM/GF has none.)" LOL! DH and I don't disagree an awful lot on boundaries with SS. He tried to use his trump card of "I'm his parent and so I know what's best" one time with me - at which point I reminded him that I was the one who'd just spent the summer working from home so SS could be home, that I was the one who got SS up, dressed, fed and on the bus every morning, and I was the one who helped with homework, listened to how the day was, and that I was the one who picks him up if he's sick, or takes him to the doctor.... and if DH wanted to play his "I'm the parent" card that he was going to be the parent - the only one here because I would bow out as unpaid nanny. And that was that.

What I want is a job description from BM! BM is more than happy for me to do all of the above, plus take SS for haircuts, school shopping, sports practices, etc. She's also enlisted the aid of her relatives now in her campaign to stop her CS obligation by demanding that I help support SS - DH and I have been told repeatedly that since I have a good job while BM chooses to not work, that it's "not fair" that DH, SS and I get to do fun things while BM does not, so I should pay for SS instead of her to balance things out, I guess.

But, what BM does not want..... SS to call me his "step-mom", God forbid he call me his "other mom", or basically for SS to care about me at all (I'm unclear on how exactly I'm supposed to help him grow up to be a responsible, well-mannered, educated person when he is not supposed to have any respect for me - but I guess that's my problem). I keep thinking of the saying about if it quacks like a duck or whatever it is - I'm supposed to have all the responsibility for everything but she retains the title and respect? What is she, the Queen of England?!

Good job, Bonnie! You get to be like a quasi-aunt. I like being an aunt!
incognitomom
15 years ago
Mattie you crack me up! Love the Queen of England thing! At times I have felt like my skids bm feels she is the Queen and my skids are her royal subjects who should look up to her in admiration while she treats them like peasants!
bonnie.garcia
Original Author
15 years ago
LOL. A quasi-aunt. You know...I sat and thought about what I posted and some of the replies I received. Now I am questioning if it is possible to be the quasi aunt. Right now it is because we are not married and no longer live together. What happens when I move in, though. Can I continue to be that way? Especially if I have a child. This means I would be treating them differently than I do SD. Not fair, but it is the reality. I already sound like an evil SM, but that's not what I am trying to do. I am just trying to keep my sanity and remain positive. Does that make sense?
silversword
15 years ago
Speaking as a grown stepdaughter, I would say you don't sound like an evil stepmom at all.

Having two children in the house who are being treated differently is not ok though. I would recommend you either not have bio-children with this man, or find a man who has no bio children of his own.

It's like Love says on another thread, she can't tell her SS that she is only buying back to school clothes for DD or that he will have to wait for his dad to come home because she won't do XYZ with him even though she's doing the same for her DD... and someone would have to stay home with your new bio-kid, so it would make way more sense for you to be the primary caregiver for your Skid.

I get it, I do. But kids won't. And that's not fair to them. And if you don't want to do it, it's not fair to you.
shakti2574
15 years ago
Bonnie:
Your bf needs to get married to you because of you, not because he needs a mother for his child. If you want to be then it is a bonus, not as an expectation.
You might want to clarify the expectation up front.
bonnie.garcia
Original Author
15 years ago
Silversword,
I agree with you. I cannot treat them differently. I cannot have rules for one and different rules for another. However, I think there is a difference when it comes to things like holidays, birthdays, etc. I cannot dictate who she will spend those days with or what she will do because I do not complete control of her schedule. Those are the things that will be different.

This is just the beginning for me so I know that I do not have all the answers. I'm hoping that with the help and advice of the wonderful women of this forum.

Shakti,
I do not think he wants or needs another mother for his child. This is why I had to learn that I will never be her mother. What I will be is a good friend and rolemodel.

Thank you, ladies:)

Learning to breathe again

Comments (8)

lovehadley

sweeby

Related Discussions

mattie_gt

incognitomom

bonnie.garcia
Original Author

silversword

shakti2574

bonnie.garcia
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Learning to breathe again

Comments (8)

lovehadley

sweeby

Related Discussions

mattie_gt

incognitomom

bonnie.garciaOriginal Author

silversword

shakti2574

bonnie.garciaOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

bonnie.garcia
Original Author

bonnie.garcia
Original Author