Sounds to me like the ex knows she has the power and she's using it. Your fiance is feeling guilt. It's eatin him alive. The kids are all mixed-up. To answer your original question, NO. My husband didn't have a good relationship with the ex. The ex hated me,too, but he kept his kids close to him and those kids loved both parents through the "messy" times. Every situation is different. But my in my situation my husband always had a bond with his kids. So sorry for the hurt this is causing you and your fiance.

"His daughter stopped coming over about three months before I moved in. He calls her every night and always asks her to come but she never does(she's 10)"

By allowing her to not come over, your fiance is making her visitation her choice, thereby, making a a choice to visit her dad a sort of 'betrayal' of her mother. Time for Dad to say "I miss you too much not to see you, and I'll be over there in __ minutes to pick you up for our visit." Ignore any protests, wails, tantrums or sulks, and have a fabulous, busy day planned.

I'm very serious about this --
It's how many relationships die a slow death.

One other suggestion - It's really hard to badmouth someone who has just paid you a compliment. Find something good about BioMom, tell it to the kids, and ask them to pass along the compliment. Repeat. Repeat.

If nothing else, it will send the message that you're still taking the high road and are a nice person. The kids are old enough to implicitly understand the 'rule' against badmouthing someone who likes you and is nice to you.

Thank you diertdiva and sweeby I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. And I'm putting your suggestions to use I asked my fiance why don't you tell your daughter that your picking her up for dinner and that he just misses her too much like you said. He thought it was a great idea so we'll see how it goes and I also told his youngest to tell his mother what a nice decorator she was and that I loved the wallpaper that she picked out. I guess we'll see on that too. I tried to talk to him about him having the power to make his relationships but he still thinks that she has partial control over that. I guess that this is how their relationship was when they were married. Example- yesterday she showed up at hockey and said I need you to stay with other son cuz I'm not feeling well and have errands to do when he had planned to do that and had told her that. Well after she told him that he stayed at the arena and so did she. Power trip won again. Thanks again for the advice.

Thank you sweeby so much! Yesterday my fiance dropped off the boys and told his daughter that he'd be picking her up for supper tomorrow wherever she wants to go cuz he missess her so much and wants to spend time with her and she decided to come home with him! My fiances mother lives next door so when he went to work she went over there and spent the whole day with him today, he is so happy and I hope she is also. I feel bad that she didn't want to stay here but its a good step. Like I mentioned before when we first got together she would come down and talk to me but since those other experiences where she saw her mother yelling at me for being 5 minutes late dropping off etc etc.I 've been getting the dirty looks and short yes/no answers when I try to talk to her. I wanted to try and talk to her this time but I was working 8-4 then turning right around into midnight to 8 so I was sleeping. I try to imagine what she must be thinking and put myself in her shoes and can understand but what do I do,I've been kinda pulling back and just letting her spend time with dad but I would like to have a talk with her any suggestions on what to say?..Thanks again your advice really made a difference.

I'm so glad it worked out well! My DH lost almost all contact with his kids for several years because their mother badmouthed him so badly that the kids got nasty and said they didn't want to come over, or would call for her to pick them up early. He let them make that choice, and they all suffered the consequences... (The kids felt he didn't care enough to insist.)

I'm all for giving children choices -- but not when it comes to things like this. Because the choices just aren't simple. Choosing to visit Daddy makes Mom angry. Choosing to spend time with Daddy's girlfriend?! Total betrayal. So don't let her choose. I'd certainly let her spend some time with Grandma, but again, YOU decide when that time will be. (Talk to Grandma so she's on the same page.)

When we were attempting to rebuild DH's relationships with his kids, we basically forced them to spend time with us. They wanted money for back to school clothes -- We ignored the check request and responded "Great - Let's go shopping for back to school clothes!" Then spent the weekend buying all sorts of clothes, doing fun things and getting to know them better. It took a couple of similar episodes to get over the initial awkwardness, but eventually, it DID work.

I guess what I'm saying is that you make the decision where she spends her time, and let her decide how to spend it. "Do you want to go ice skating or see a movie?" "Wanna stop for some ice cream?" (She'll realize you're trying to 'buy' her, but so what? You're also getting what you want -- the chance to get to know her better.) I'd ask your fiance or his mother what she likes to do, or just use your imagination. Again, be prepared for some pouts or attitude - because she's not supposed to like you (Mom said so), but ignore it completely. Concentrate of providing fun times -- bribe her with great experiences (not 'stuff' - experiences) until she no longer feels awkward or uncomfortable spending time with you.

Good Luck and keep up the great work!

My husband has a great relationship with his kids even though the exwife hates his gutts and me as well. I was nice and still am kind to her but she is just plain sour and miserable and jealous. No pleasing her. She has done many things to her kids to hate us and brain washed her kids about her father. Things changed big time when i came into the pic.
First and foremost, none of this if you dont do it, i'm in trouble. He is the father, he must be in control over his kids. My husband is in control and makes in known to his kids. Plus the relationship must be constantly enforced with love and understanding. Rules of course. Keep the relationship with the kids and your house your own. What the ex does in her house with her rules are different and her own. But your house will have its own rules and this must be relaid to the kids.
Keep open communication with the kids and always let them talk about their feelings. If the ex is a bleep, she will dig her own grave. Trust me. Its happening with me now. Her daughter is seeing the light.