All you need is confirmation of your own very accurate perceptions:

they have a family together,
she wears a wedding ring,
& they have a joint checking account...

They may be divorced, but their marriage isn't over;
who knows why she was running around on him, but when she found out about you, she dumped her bf, which means she wants her husband back.

& he still wants the relationship with her;
he wants his wife back, he's just enjoying having 2 women on a string right now.

It's a sick game they're playing, but it's *their* game, & you're a pawn.

not a nice game at all.

What Sylvia said is very true - you are making yourself a pawn in their game. He may care for you greatly, but with this woman he has history. Though it is a troubled history, she is a known commodity. You are still an unknown. Men are creatures of comfort. You see where this leads?

If he is participating in these emails in any way other than to tell her to take off the ring and burn the checkbook he is not ready for your relationship. It is a good thing that you know this now before you become more deeply involved with him, and with his children. Dating a man with children is nothing to be taken lightly, and were he selfless he would look at himself, realize he's not ready to move on and not subject his kids to a live in GF that he can't fully commit to.

You sound like a smart lady. You deserve to be with someone who is truly "with" you. Don't settle.

He does not reply to her Emails about anything personal unless it has to do with the kids. He did call her and ask her to stop personal notes. He avoids conflict with her because everytime he says something, she uses the kids and the divorce decree. We even have to wait until AFTER Thanksgiving to ask for them on Christmas so she will be nicer because her Mother is coming to visit her. They live 1,000 miles away. He also told her he is moving here to be with me. Am I justifying it? Thought I should fill in some blanks there.

Oh, and we've known each other and one another's family since age 15. So, 20 years. Forgot to mention.

He's moving 1000 miles away from his children?

No. His children and Ex are 1,000 miles away.

I dont understand who moved where. In your first post, you said you were moving in with him. He apparently lives 1000 miles away from x and kids right now. Then he is going to move back.

Sorry. SHE moved back to the state they had a home in. And, where her boyfriend was. When she chose to be with him. They then divorced. He is NOW moving here, to be with me, one state closer to his children and easier for flights. We both planned this a few months ago. I moved here and now he is moving here in one week. He accepted an offer here and put in his 2 week notice and everything is all packed up. make sense now?

She moved back to the state they [I assume previously] had a home in. I honestly believe that you dont know all sides to a marriage from one party -- this may be there were issues and she wanted to go back home (or maybe he even told her he would follow) whatever, and then BF showed up. In any event - my thoughts

1. If X and children are going to be a flight away, I wouldnt think they are going to have a huge influence on you. Maybe the children over the summer.

2. Do you have children? ARe you used to children? Read some of the threads on this board, I dont know how old you are, but if you were my daughter, I would tell you to think really really hard about getting with a man with children.

Yes, I love children. No, I do not have any. And, I used to be a daycare teacher. I have no problem with children at all. I am 36.

She went back home because that is where they owned a house, which due to ecomony, cannot sell. And, she moved there to be with her boyfriend. Who she just recently left, through grapevine. Unconfirmed.

With the joint checking account in place, you need to be wary of this pre-existing relationship. It is very likely there are other things in this relationship also that you are unaware of at this time. Hence your sense that something is off.

Living together is a semi-commitment and you are already having doubts. Can you put off the living together for another six months to a year? This will give you time to have a better idea of how involved BF is with XW. Not with his kids mother, but with his XW. That is a different relationship.

When you live on your own, you have the freedom to remove yourself from his presence when things are not going well. BF needs time to determine how his relationship to XW should be. I can easily seeing you get frustrated during this process if you are living with him.

They do not have a joint checking account. She emailed him that she cannot let the old checkbook go, as a memory of that they were once married. NO joint checking account.

So they owned a home togethor which they can not sell. Do they have a final divorce decreee???

Yes they have a final divorce decree. She never had to work while they were married. She now has to work. So, its only been a year getting used to not having his income. So, he pays 2k a month child support, all childcare expenses and weekly allowance, rightfully so. He paid the last 2 months mortgage because she said she was behind and doesnt want the kids to be homeless. Naturally, that would never happen. So, he paid it to make sure his children were okay.

Whether he's moved on or not, she hasn't and that's going to be problems for you if you pursue this. I would date more before moving in and getting married. Take your time if you go forward because she is still attached and he is engaged in it if he isn't telling her flatly that it's over and to stop emailing him (except about their child)

Do you want to be his rebound? Of course he still loves her, maybe not in the same way he once did, but she is the mother of his children. He may always love her for that and you have to accept that. That doesn't mean he can't love you but you have to accept their history. and if she is actively trying to rekindle it, I would take a step back and see what happens. I know it's easy for a stranger to say this, but if it were me and it looked like his family could be together, I would back off. He may not want that but I would not want to do anything to sway him away from his family and children. If you do, and he chooses you, it can affect how his children feel about you and it will likely cause his ex wife to resent you and that will also affect how his children feel about you and treat you. That's just my opinion.

I do accept that. I'm not a devil. And certainly not swaying him away from any family encounter. That's not who I am. Nor do I expect him to "choose" me. His children will always be first. I am 100% for that. I would never deny they will always have a mutual love and admiration for one another coming from a history and children, the blessing of it all.

And, as for me "backing off" --- I don't apply pressure anywhere, if you recall above, I am the one holding it down. So, a little love there, would ya?

I'm not calling you the devil homewrecker. Not at all. I'm saying that your original post says you feel something hidden and mention uncertainty that he may still love her. And her actions speak louder that she's not over him. We get that feeling in the pit of our stomachs when something isn't quite right and I'm only trying to be realistic. If you came here to get reassurance or support, I can offer support but not reassurance. I said, "if it were me". When I was dating, if I thought the guy had ANY feelings for his ex (the mother of his children), that was a big red flag. If she might have felt the same and their family might have had a chance to reconcile, I would support that first. My happiness was not going to be at the expense of a family. If there is no saving that relationship, then by all means, I would go forward. But expect it to be a rough road and it's easy in the beginning to think everything is wonderful, but there are going to be problems and that's normal. If you do move forward, I would suggest learning about step families through books or classes so you know what to expect. This is a good forum to get some opinions but every situation is different and the key is making your situation work. Good luck. (and like I said, it's just MY opinion)