I think being honest in the relationship and also with yourself is a good start. If the love is there it's going to shine through.

Your Dad has a guilt complex that is fueling his actions Serenity and he probably doesn't even relize how hurtful and annoying his comments are. He wants approval from you that he isn't a totally horrible man and that he has "learned from his mistakes" but his mistakes were done to YOUR MOTHER! It makes it really difficult and uncomfortable for you everytime it's brought up I am sure.

I don't think good relationships should be "modeled" at all so to speak. Modeling implies trying to sale (think models and clothing etc.) and if you have to try and sale something it probably isn't that great to start with.

I think rather the example of an honestly healthy relationship will come shinning through on it's own without any spotlites having to be shone down upon it. Kids draw their own conclusions based on life experiences. If they SEE mom and dad, sm and dad or dad and sm being in a loving and supportive (or sadly the opposite scenario...destructive relationships)they won't need anyone to spell it out for them. They'll get it. They will put two and two together and they will learn the difference between the two.

I would deffinatkly tell dad it really hurts you everytime he brings up the cheating thing. I bet he'd stop if he knew. Let him know it does nothing but drudge up old regrets.

model good relationships by example- treating others nicely. that's it. certainly comparing your second marriage to the first one is inappropriate in any ways and it is not productive. especially if first marriage occured at 20s and 2nd when people maybe are in their 40s-50s. how could you compare? people change. somebody who was awful husband could get better when he is older. so the fact that he is nicer to 2nd wife does nto mean he was nice to the 1st one.

i never thought of modeling marriage to DD. i remained single. and she probably never be married. But i did model some relationship guidelines: i never brought any men home unless i knew them for a very long time, never brought to my home any questionable partners, never had sleepovers (men) with DD in the house -never, never allowed myself to be treated poorly in her presence or her awareness, never cohabitated with whoever while she was a minor, accomplished things in life without men providing for me, have career, education, hobby without men, took care of my apperance either i date or not, talked to her of importance of healthy choices (not sleeping with whoever for attention).

I would be rather upset if i would learn my X compares his current marriage to ours. And i would not like DD thinking that there is something wrong wiht me that i remained single or that i cannot accomplish as much. this is not the case.

If the intention is to show them a "good relationship" so that they, too, can feel like they deserve one I'm sure plenty of people will disagree with me, but I think these are two completely different things being mixed up together. You teach your children they deserve love by loving them. And specifically, by loving them for who they are, which means seeing and valuing who they are, not what you would choose for them to be. I don't think this has anything to do with what kind of relationships your parents have, or if they even have any at all. Any child who is loved well can grow up to believe they deserve love as an adult, regardless of if parents have good, bad, or no relationships at all.

However, in order to find and develop and maintain a good relationship, as an adult, how do you do that if you have no idea what one looks like, or what exactly people do to make them work? Your parents' relationships aren't by any means the only way to learn that, but it's one pretty obvious way.

A pet peeve of mine is the psychobabble (imo) theory that people who can't find a good relationship secretly think they don't deserve one. Probably some do, but some people just don't have the same tools for making relationships work as others. You can get those tools on your own, once you're grown, but getting a head start by watching your parents can't hurt.

I heard a comedian who made a joke about how some people bragg about doing the things they are supposed to do anyway, such as "I pay my bills" or "I take care of MY kids". I think it's the same with your Dad. Why bragg about something you are supposed to do? You are supposed to be faithful to your spouse. It's not something that should be bragged about or spotlighted. I think to hear somebody (anybody) bragg about such a thing I would take the same way you are taking it when your Dad says it. Add to that the fact that he did cheat on your Mom and it is twice as insulting to you and your senibilities.

On another note...a friend of a friend has recently married and in her childhood, she NEVER saw her parents in an arguement. I'm certain that they did disagree, but were very good at keeping it from her and her siblings. She and her husband have been having a hard time settling into married life and they are having an esspecially hard time with disagreements. They have a hard time dealing with conflict and have gotten to the point where they argue via text message rather than to have a real conversation about what is bothering them.

It never occured to me before hearing this story that it might also be good to model for your children how to argue fairly and to agree to disagree sometimes.

I also agree with doodleboo. The best example is to actually BE in a good relationship and to live your life in that relationship as an example to your children

I agree with what everyone's written here so far, the jist of which is just to live it and show it by example.

As for how to address the issue of my dad repeating over & over that he's never cheated on SM, and my feelings about it, I think I am just going to stay quiet about it and try to see it in the best possible light. I can't imagine his intentions are hurtful, so I will interpret it as him trying to tell me he's learned from his mistakes. In other contexts, he has expressed regret for having cheated on my mom and has never dodged taking the responsibility for those actions, which is the biggest reason that I have not felt angry or judgmental towards him about it in the past. I wouldn't want that to change now and start to develop a grudge, and since I know that if I told him it made me uncomfortable he would feel too much guilt over it, I will just adjust my interpretation of it. It is hard to hear, but I'll try to take the best out of it that I can.

Oh, I can totaly see how this would be hurtful to hear.

Kind of like now even though it's almost 30 years later when my mother comments about my deceasd father and his death. I know what happened, I was there it does not make me feel better to talk about it. As a matter of fact she is the last person I would talk to about it because I know how bitter she felt towards him. Irregardless of whether or not she was justified. To hear about it and all those little details is painful for me to the extreme. I usually very quickly change the subject or become silent.

I think your father probably does feel guilty for cheating on your mother and this maybe is his way of telling you "see I can be faithful etc.." but am sure he doesn't realize it just makes you feel worse about how it was for your mom.

I think maybe next time if you could gently say Dad, I appreciate the fact that you are such a faithful man to SM, but when you tell me about how you never cheated on SM it immediately reminds me that were not to my mother so can we not talk about this and just enjoy our time together?

I have asked my mother repeatedly to not discuss my father with me as it is too painful to her credit it only happens a few times a year now and since I immediately clam up she usually catches herself and stops.

The only reasons I suggest you tell your dad this (gently) is so A. it stops and B. you don't have any unfinished issues with your dad at the time of his death.

There are a few things I wish I would have/could have cleared up with my father, though I wasn't mature enough to put it into words at that time..

(hugs)

~Cat