Well, Lola, I think we're all a bit relieved you didn't leave a middle schooler with two college boys so you could move across country to be with a man and his kids only to complain that he was parenting his kids!

Couple questions: How old are his kids? How long have they been divorced? Who instigated the divorce?

It seems he has an established life and pattern with this woman. It seems that either he doesn't want to change the pattern, or he doesn't know how, or he does, but doesn't want to make waves. Anyway you look at it, it sucks. I hate the ex-wife call, the ex-girlfriend call, etc. My poor DH has to listen to my DD talk on the phone with my ex 4-6 times a week. On speaker phone. And let me tell you, my ex is SUPER annoying to listen to for me, so imagine how he must feel!!!!! (oh, right, you already know! :)

As for voices/personality changes, I've noticed kids change voices with different adults, as adults change voices with kids. I think this is pretty common. My DH gets a high pitched voice around my DD that drives me nuts, but she seems to like it. My DD gets a little more pouty and introverted around him than me. I think it's just because she doesn't know him as well as she knows me. Your husband may be feeling awkward in his dual roles as lover and father (not to mention how to act around the ex) and unsure of how to be the middle man.

"I've taken them in too many times to count for dinner, rides and washing their clothes without so much as expecting a Thank You from anyone."

You'll probably catch flak for that statement. You married a man with kids. Expect to do a lot of things without a thank you, you are now a mom with all the stress and strain and without the benefit of automatic mommy love. It's a rough road, and you earn every callous on your patience, heart and hands.

So about him changing when the boys are around. Can you talk to him about this, ask him casually if he's noticed he has a split personality? (not in those words, of course!)

About her... yeah... not much you can do. Time will take care of that, unless they're planning to live across the street from one another for the rest of their lives. Then, retirement could be a little less relaxing than planned, right? "Honey, take your cane when you go out to get her groceries and put on her snow tires, it's slippery out there"! LOL. Sorry, not trying to laugh at your misery but the image was pretty funny!!!

Six years is a long time. Where will the boys be school-wise at that time? Would they go with you? Or would they stay with mom?

I'm pretty uncomfortable with the whole situation, frankly. How long did you know him before moving cross-country to live with him in his town in his life with his kids?

Ohhh, one suggestion? Have you ever considered doing the phone answering and chore doing yourself? Answer the phone, oh hi _______, I think the mauve eyeshadow will compliment your eyes better, and was that cream of chicken soup you needed? You're a team, I bet your husband might enjoy not having to do as many chores where she is concerned and she'd probably get really tired of dealing with you. Plus, a couple of wrong purchases might convince she's better off doing her own shopping. Progresso? I thought you said store brand! Oops, my bad! Say, did you know there's a great grocery delivery place? I have their number somewhere... I'm sure you're tired of having to depend on us!

I still have trouble with ANY parent moving far away from their child..we all have choices as parents and I think that is a bad one...your job as a parent is to be there for your child physically and emotionally nearby that should be top#1 priority......I get about the older ones in college..but leaving your younger one to me is still not ok for any reason......except death..just my opinion, I think it it is a selfish act, your son needs his mom even if he is attached to dad!!
Maybe I have this opinion because I am raising child whos mother moved away and feel that it is crucial for a childs developement to have all parents nearby...maybe others will feel different....
If I were in your shoes I would be on the first plane back to my son renting an apartment as close to him as possible...

and my SD is a very well adjusted, polite, good grades WONDERFUL child.....BUT she will always carry a deep pain that she will sturggle with FOREVER of her bio mom moving away and leaving her behind....

I'm going to confine my comments to the ExWife situation.

Hubby simply needs to tell her politely "I'm not available for that right now", "Sorry, I can't", "No - Can't talk now", "Gotta run!", "We've got other plans", "Got a conflict" -- etc. until she gets the hint. There are some times when he should help her -- and that's when it's really the boys he is helping. But by allowing her to remain 'helpless' and dependant, he really isn't helping her.

I understand that many men are reluctant to do this -- between being afraid of instigating a scene or trying to be nice, trying to help a 'damsel in distress' etc. If you ask him why he's always at her beck and call, you might get an honest answer you can use to end the situation. If it's because she's 'helpless', encourage him to show her how to shovel snow, talk to the super, etc. so she'll be able to take care of herself next time. If it's because she'd make a scene, ask him what he'd do if he weren't afraid of her drama, then whether it's fair to you to give in to her drama-queen tactics.

I agree with sweeby on this one. Its up to your husband to politely decline.

So what I am reading in the OP is that its a husband and ex wife problem. Not a stepchild prob. THe stepkids are just getting the blame in OP's mind because OP doesnt want to be mad at husband.

I have noticed that before in this forum. Someone will come in complaining about t heir stepkids, when the problem they have is really their spouse.