Just a Question?

21 years ago

When did this forum become a place where only stepparents can come to talk about their problems? I see the word stepfamily. That includes all of us who are stepchildren. A lot of people here are just set that if you are a stepchild then you have no opinion and that all you have to offer is suggestions on how to tick off the stepparent when that is so far from the truth. We can give the other side. Some of us had great stepparents that loved us and treated us as their own. Some of us had stepparents who wished we had never been born. We went through divorce and we know the feelings that we had and a lot of other children of divorce had. We all have our bad days but to tell someone that they can not give advice because they are not a stepparent is crazy. We were there when we were told we didnt matter because we were weekend kids. We were the ones who were pushed aside when a new family was started and we were the ones who were told if we didnt like it then it was our job to deal with it. SO much pressure is put on the kids because the parents are putting themselves first. We went through the exact same things you did only we were the other side of it. I think that is valuable. If you don't then IMHO you dont seem to care to much about the kids but only about justifiying your feelings. Get the whole story both sides of it. I thought the whole thing was to come here and get help, but if you are only looking for someone to tell you it is ok to hate the kids and try to push them out, then I truly feel sorry for you.

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Comments (3)

mom_2_4
21 years ago
Brandy, nobody is telling you that you can't voice your opinion or that it won't be heard. If you are talking to me, I'm sorry if you got that impression.

You are right -- your opinion is absolutely from the other side. And unless you have walked in my shoes, you can't have an idea of what my life as a SM is like. By the same token, I have no idea what being stepchild really and truly feels like. I can guess, I can empathize ... but in the end we are not viewing the canyon from the same mountaintop. My opinion will likely be slanted by my place in the world, as will yours.

Personally, I don't have a problem with healthy conflict and debate. It can open up your eyes to new ideas, new opinions and new knowledge. It teaches you patience and acceptance and the art of compromise. I see that some people can't handle free flowing, open debates and get their panties in a wad!

I don't think there is a person here who wants to be told it's ok to hate their SK's. For the most part, what I see is a bunch of well meaning folks -- a very diverse population -- who all want to do good by their families. Call me nuts, but I want everyone in my house to be well adjusted and happy. Not just my SK's.

For those of you who are SK's and had a bad experience with an evil step-parent, well, I'm sorry. But I'm not them. So please don't project their evil intentions onto me or assume that I have dastardly motives, because I don't.
JoeTypist
21 years ago
The hoohah started because of Rosie's rather strict interpretation of morality and the value of marriage. Reactions to her switched from "I don't agree with your opinion" to "I don't like your opinions in general" to, and I paraphrase, "stop posting".

The first bit is normal in a society, the second is normal if a bit rude, the third is ridiculous -- if you don't like opinions, especially those that differ from you, then join a cloister, or stay in your room, you know? It's like writing to the NY Times Op/Ed section saying you people talk too much.

Which is not to say that I agree with everything Rosie says -- I'm a living-in-sinner myself, but consider myself a hell of a lot more moral, or at least bright, than a guy who refuses to give back his son's stroller even though the only possible use he can get out of it is as a planter. (Whoops, was that a rant? :)

But she sure as h311 has the *right* to post pertanent opinions here, just the same as we have the *right* to disagree with her vociferously. At the very least, it might help us get our thoughts in order. The best case is the dialectic -- you got one opinion -- the thesis -- coming in contact with another, or its opposite -- the antithesis -- and merging into a new idea -- synthesis. If you nail together two things that haven't been nailed together before, you have a new thing. And new things are cool.

As far as stepkids vs stepparents....well....there's being nice, and raising kids to be nice, and to take care of themselves, y'know? All others pay cash....or in other words, everything else is a bit beyond the scope. Interesting possibly, useful possibly, but not central and therefore not worth losing hair over. In the words of my sainted uncle, "Everything is OK."
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RosieL
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Just goes to show why the step relationship is so prone to disaster. Its the nature of the animal because there are so many different aspects and so many different personalities being thrown into the mix that it almost can't help but be volatile. Everyone of us knows or has seen some kid from hell that makes problem child look like an angel. Everyone of us has heard of or seen an ex that is so help bent at making life miserable for the ex spouse and the new spouse that they don't care what they do to their children. Everyone of us has also seen a prime example of a deranged step-parent who so wants to be #1 that they don't care what they have to do to deny that the first relationship every existed even to the point of excluding the children. It only takes one of those personalities in a family to make life hell. Combine all of that with the normal stresses of daily life between a woman and a man that in addition now carry emotional baggage and you've got a pretty good idea of what hell on earth is all about.I once attended a party where a son of the hosts was coming with his new bride (#2). The guests were not nearly as excited about the 50th anniversary as they were about the new wife. When they finally arrived - I felt like telling the girl to run while she can. That's all everyone talked about.... the comparisons between the two wives. Who cares which one was skinnier, made more money, had better style? Just a small example of what a second marriage involves ... and thats before you toss in the children. It involves super human patience and strength of character from all persons involved to make it work. I've seen it happen, but this forum is just a small testament to the sufferring of everyone involved when a family breaks up and becomes shuffled all around.

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mom_2_4

JoeTypist

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