First, kudos to your DH for doing all that tough work.

Just a few questions.

1. You say his schedule is changing. Is he not going to be a fireman anymore? Desk job?

2. When was the last time DH was in court over this?

3. Wasnt there something in "Divorce Rules" about not putting child in the middle of these situations? By asking her to decide where she wants to live?

sorry, one more question, would there be a change in any CS?

DH is being promoted so it will be a desk job from now until retirement. :-)

The last time we were in court was February 06 Â so close to 2 years ago.

As for "Divorce Rules"  this is one of the reasons I would love to get BM back into court. She grills SD on everything we do and say. She bad mouths me constantly. I would love for a judge (or mediator) to tell her to knock it off and I would love for someone to give SD the tools to deal with it "Mom  IÂm not comfortable talking about Dad and Jeri with you and I donÂt talk to them about you either."

As for us putting her in the middle (if this is what you meant) Â this is part of my question to all of you. Someone has to explain the "rules" to this young lady. She needs to know that we want her with us more if that is what she wants. She also needs to know that her mom will fight it and perhaps make things very ugly for a while. IÂm just not sure of the "best" way to proceed.

What do you mean by "Someone has to explain the "rules" to this young lady" funny language? In any event, CS impact? Where does the child attend school? Would she switch or do you live close?

CS is not what this is about. BM makes 6 figures and DH does give a handsome monthly support. I have no idea how this would affect CS Â but I am willing to bet that DH would gladly keep paying it if that would sooth BMÂs feathers. I would like to see how (if any) it would change and perhaps suggest that the difference go directly into a college fund. It truly is not about money.

What do you mean by "Someone has to explain the "rules" to this young lady" funny language?

Sorry  just trying to be "politically correct" I guess. I do worry about putting sd in the middle  but how else are we going to explain the rules (how things work)? We need her to know that 1) We want her with us more if that is what she wants. 2) She is old enough that the courts will listen to what she wants. 3) She can be protected from her mother.

Where does the child attend school? Would she switch or do you live close?

We live close and are very active in her school. None of that would change. :-)

I'd approach it like this: "Now that your father has been promoted we would really like to see you more since our schedules have become more stable. You're at the age where that is up to you on where you would like to spend your time, we want you to know that is a decision you can make without worrying about hurting anyones feelings" etc...

I know alot of judges will speak to the children in closed chambers so neither parent really 'knows' what the child has said. Might be an option for you.

I think Sieryn gives good advice. You would never want to make her feel like you were leading her to choose living with you. You can, however, make it known that you would love to have her, and that at her age a judge will listen more to her reasonable wishes. She needs to know that all her parents want what is best for her, and that she needs to think of what is best for her (not her parents) as far as a living situation. At her age I think it's even okay to tell her that there could be some hurt feelings as all parents would like her twith them all the time and obviously can't have that, but that it isn't her responsibility in this instance to worry about her parent's feelings.

No matter what you say though, she will still worry. Would there be a way for her to see a psychologist for a while to talk some of these things through? He/she could then give a recommendation to the courts that may be nothing more than repeating what your SD wants, but then he/she is the bad guy rather than SD, and BM has no way to know if SD said she wanted to move or if Dr. just thought she should.

In CA, mediation is mandatory and the mediator can speak with a child and includes that in his report, along with his recommendations. The courts here seem to favor adopting the recommendation of the mediator.

Asking an older child what arrangement they would like and why (to see if they are making a logical decision) is not the same as guilting your child into choosing sides. Younger children don't usually have the maturity to make a logical decision on where they should live, their preference might be based on who has less rules or who's house is more fun. That's why it's important to ask the older child why. It's all in the way it's approached and that was worded very well.