Rubbed me the wrong way

15 years ago

You all know I'm not particularly fond of my dad's long-term GF. (going on 8 years now, I think....yuck.)

Whatever, though. I am pleasant to her, and she is the same to me, though I feel she has underlying b*tchy, passive aggressive stuff.

I leave the situation alone, though, and, thankfully, don't see her that much.

I talk to my dad on the phone every other day or so, and have dinner with him twice a month-ish----usually without GF, but occasionally, she comes along.

It's fine and, for the most part, my relationship with DAD is independent of his GF.

But last week, he had outpatient hand surgery. GF, of course, drove him, waited, etc. I offered to do so when he scheduled the surgery; I knew it was pointless of me to offer because I figured she would be doing it but, nonetheless, I wanted to at least put it out there that I was GLAD to help out. When I offered, as expected, my dad replied that GF was planning on doing it. And I just left it at "Well, if plans change, let me know---I'm available."

She spent the night with him after, which was great.

I made him a big pot of chili and took it out to his house the day of his surgery---put it in the fridge, etc.

I called GF's cell around 9 AM to get a status update, and she said he was in surgery (anticipated 2 hr length) and that she would call me when he was out.

GF called me around 11 am to let me know it had gone well, and she was pulling the car around to get him.

I called around 3pm that afternoon---his home # --- to check on him, and she answered and said he was sleeping.

Then she proceeded to say, "Thank you SO much for calling, I really appreciate it, Love. Thank you for your concern."

WTF?!!!! That comment made my blood boil.

I can't even put my finger on why, but it just did---ugh.

I've been kinda stewing about it since, so I thought I'd get it out here. ;)

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Comments (12)

sweeby
15 years ago
"Thank you SO much for calling, I really appreciate it, Love. Thank you for your concern."

Because she's putting her relationship with him in priority over yours. Just a subtle twist of phrase that sets your teeth on edge... It would have been different if she had said - "That was so kind of you to make chili and call to check on him. I know how much he appreciates your concern."

Eh... Might as well let it go though. While I can see why it would ranckle, there's just no point in wasting emotional energy on this kind of stuff.
mattie_gt
15 years ago
LOL! I can put my finger on it why it irked you. Firstly because who is she to speak for your father? She has no right to thank you for your concern - it wasn't concern for her, it was for your Dad!

It is the polar opposite (which makes it meet on the other side) of one of my huge pet peeves, when some poor teenage girl is killed by her BF, and all of her friends decide that the Christian thing to do is to forgive him. They have no right to "forgive" someone for something that was done to someone else! Similarly, who is GF to speak for your father and thank you for your concern for him?

Secondly, the overly-effusive thanks makes it sound like you did something out of your normal behavior. If I were in the hospital I can't imagine DH gushing to my mom about how grateful he was if she called - he'd expect her to call. GF's comments are what one would say to an estranged daughter who finally bestirred herself to contact Dad for the first time in years, not to someone who is in regular contact.

I can hear GF's voice in my head, I think! Was it all said in one of those horrible saccharine-sweet high-pitched breathy voices that make you just want to slap someone through the phone?

Oh well, you can amuse yourself by thinking up possible responses to next time, like "No problem, GF. I wasn't sure if it would be too much for you to handle. You sometimes seem overwhelmed by even the usual routine and after all, you're not getting any younger."
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lovehadley
Original Author
15 years ago
Haha Mattie. Yes, it was totally said in this sugary, sappy voice.

BARF.

Thanks ladies---it helps to articulate why it got under my skin; Sweeby, you are so right, it WAS just a simple twist of words that totally changed the meaning.

"If I were in the hospital I can't imagine DH gushing to my mom about how grateful he was if she called - he'd expect her to call. GF's comments are what one would say to an estranged daughter who finally bestirred herself to contact Dad for the first time in years, not to someone who is in regular contact."

EXACTLY. I cannot imagine my mom's husband---if the situation were my mom and him---responding that way. He would say something along the lines of, "I know she'll be glad you called; I'll have her call you when she wakes up."

Or whatever.

Because my primary relationship is with my MOM, not him.

Just like my primary relationship is with my DAD, not GF.

Oh well! Thanks for putting my feelings to words ;)
parent_of_one
15 years ago
how annoying, first of all they do not even live together, they are just dating, she has no business answering HIS phone...2nd of all i would say thank you to SDs if they called to ask about MY health, but when they call to ask about their own dad i sure don't say "thank you". what an obnoxious person!
sylviatexas1
15 years ago
If they weren't living together before this, your dad might learn that they're living together now.

People sometimes take advantage of vulnerability.

Please keep calling your dad & visit him.
alleyx
15 years ago
Maybe just maybe it bothered you because you feel she is out of place? However if she makes dad happy, continue to be pleasant. She answered your dads phone because he was asleep and you did say long term gf of 8yrs. Im sorry to say this, but they are not dating! That is a serious relationship. If they do not live together there is reason and most likely it is you. Your dad may be afraid that you would not come over or spend as much time with him. Or maybe they both like having their own space. After 8 years with someone shes more than welcome to answer the phone. He probably told her, if anyone calls tell them Im sleeping. Or maybe she didnt want the phone to wake him up. Maybe gf and dad keep their relationship separate from yours because they can sense your dislike of her and by keeping it that way he will never have to chose.
As far as her comment to you is it possible she doesnt recognize your voice? Did you think maybe she did appreciate your concern? Considering she was probably just as worried as you with no one to talk about it to. The fact that you called to check up may have been reassuring to her that she was not alone in her concern. Do you think that your dad may feel hurt by only seeing you for dinner 1 or 2ish times a month? Maybe he expresses it to his gf who is also his best friend. So she felt obligated to thank you because she knew how much it would mean to him. You my friend are in serious denial of your fathers relationship. As well as selfish and out of place to even down grade her position in his life. Im sure you love your dad very much but dont let your jealousy make you miss out on things or stress out over a comment that could have been completely innocent. For all you know that woman loves you because you are a part of your dad. She probably doesnt bother with you out of fear that if she upsets you it would mean less visits for dad or even hurt her relationship with him..Just food for thought. Someday you will be someones girlfriend who might have a daughter remember how you treat her and then if your ever in her shoes you will get to feel the frustration pain and anger.
lovehadley
Original Author
15 years ago
Alleyx, I think you have missed all my previous posts about this topic.

I am not even sure how to respond to your comment because it's just so far off base.

My dad is hurt because I only see him 1-2 times a month for dinner?

I said I see him twice a month-ish, which boils down to dinner every other week. Sometimes more, not less.

I don't know. I'd have to see what other adults think but I think that's pretty extensive contact? We talk on the phone at least every other day!

And someday I will not be "someone's girlfriend." I am already someone's wife.

And this made me laugh: "For all you know that woman loves you because you are a part of your dad."

HA. Yeah right. Again, you have missed all my previous threads over this topic.
silversword
15 years ago
As the adult stepdaughter with a stepmother who has been married to my father for 12 years and in a relationship with her for 14 I have to say; if she THANKED me for my concern for my father I would be livid.

Thanking someone for their concern is something a wife does or a husband does with an acquaintance. It is not something that a mother does with a child or a child with a mother. Vice versa, if I thanked my SM for her concern, or LH thanked her dad's GF for her concern it would be equally irritating.

I don't know about the right of answering the phone. IMO, that's something that's between dad and GF. I answer the phone if it is ringing at someone's house but I will answer it "so and so's house" and then take a message.

Alleyx, if it's reassuring to her and helpful to her to have the daughter call she should have said that. thank you for calling, it means so much to me, I've been feeling alone and scared for your dad and it's nice to be able to talk to you about that, it means so much that you're calling. Thank you.

It is presumptous to thank anyone on behalf of someone else. I even hesitate to do it for my DH. Often I will say "I hope I'm not out of line, but I want you to know that DH appreciates you and loves you" or something like that. It's risky no matter who it is, but especially with a stepparent.

And, I have to comment as well on the "expressing to his GF who is his best friend" nonsense.

LMAO. Here's the thing. People get married and divorced, sometimes they have kids. KIDS ARE FOREVER PEOPLE. My dad learned that the hard way. He BFF'ed all over his wife. And you know who has been here for him? Even though he talked $hit about me to her? Even though then she'd come to me and say "your dad blah blah blah" because yes, he did need to vent about his annoying kid. But dads vent about their annoying wives too.

LMAO. Just as a stepchild will never know what goes between the parent/sparent/gf/bf... so they will never know what goes between a parent and child.

Go ahead and vent LH. It was annoying, I completely understand!
lovehadley
Original Author
15 years ago
I wanted to clarify: I did not have a problem with her answering the phone. I never said that I did.

Also, as far as them not living togethr, this comment made me laugh: " Im sorry to say this, but they are not dating! That is a serious relationship. If they do not live together there is reason and most likely it is you."

I assure you, it has nothing to do with me.

I think it's more because my dad's GF has two children who are 13 and 10 and my father is not keen on the idea of taking that responsibility on.
imamommy
15 years ago
LMAO~ I was going to say, the decision to not marry her nor live with her after 8 years probably has to do with HER baggage he doesn't want to live with, though I wasn't thinking of tween kids.. yeah, that's a pretty good reason for him to wait! However, I don't understand why a woman would settle for it when she's raising kids that learn by her example?

I also could not find where LH said they were just dating... I believe it says "my dad's long-term GF. (going on 8 years now, I think" (which is kinda interesting to me from the perspective that she's got impressionable kids but chooses to be in a relationship with a man that does not want a marital commitment with her (just yet), probably BECAUSE of her kids... I wonder if she even thinks of what her kids think about THAT?) And yes, it's very insulting to thank a daughter for her concern for her father!

Silver makes a great point... your kids are forever your kids. Spouses can come & go... but this lady isn't even a spouse.
mommyjoof3
15 years ago
Hmm..sounds just like my dad and his gf. They have been together 12 yrs now. Just finally bought a house now that her kids are out of the picture. Shes always treated me like a distant relative who you have small talk with but never give a thought to. I no longer call bec when she answers accuses me of being the other woman?

Im now a step mother, and im not perfect im def learning, its like being a brand new mom with all new rules and no control. If that makes any sense? But I would never thank them for a calling. Thats pretty cold and basically like trying to kill you with kindness and a in ur face. She should have let you take dad or just invited you over. I would have at least offered my step children the option or asked if they wanted to go or have lunch. Something
steplady
15 years ago
That would have seriously irritated me too. He's your father....not a friend.

Rubbed me the wrong way

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