SD's Grandmother...

15 years ago

Next month DH and I are finally tying the knot!!!

Since SD's grandmother (BM's mom) found out, she has been badgering FDH about anything from coming to the wedding to see SD as flower girl, to wanting special pictures of SD at the wedding (we were going to have a sitting of just SD and DD together, but Grandma just wants SD alone) to now.....she is complaining that MY mom is keeping SD while we go on our honeymoon.

Normally, I never have to deal with a thing concerning BM or that side of SD's family but since Grandma isn't getting anywhere with FDH...she decided to email me through myspace pleading with me and that my family just can't take care of SD like she can and that it is time for SD to know her real family. FDH has never kept SD from them!!! They just never cared to arrange anything or follow through on plans he has made with them! I can't tell you how many times the day before the arranged visit FDH would call just to make sure it was still on (since he had to drive 300 miles to get there) and they wouldn't answer and would call back a couple weeks or a month later with some wacked out emergency that only happens on tv as if we are stupid.

I am refraining from sending something really nasty. My mom and SF have treated SD just like DD so this really rubs me the wrong way. Before we even had DD, my mom would take SD for girls days and fun outings. SD's grandma has never offered to do anything and couldn't be bothered for anything. This is the only time she has offered to drive, why now of all times? Good lord, I'm going to bust a valve.

Ugh, why now? I'm starting to suspect that she is just trying to find another way into spying on our wedding.

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Comments (11)

imamommy
15 years ago
I think your suspicions are correct, spying.

My SD's BM was demanding to be at our wedding because "HER" daughter was our flowergirl. At first, we were going to let it go and let her come if she wanted (we didn't really know why she'd want to) but as the wedding got closer & closer, she became such a pain that I finally told DH that I didn't want her there. When we had gone to have our engagement pictures done, our photographer suggested that we could include a couple of shots with the kids since it was a blended family. BM insisted that she get pictures of SD alone as well and we went ahead to apease her. She also insisted on dressing her for "HER" pictures and put a trampy outfit on her. We ended up having SD take the few shots in her mom's outfit and then had her change into a cute outfit that DH & I picked out. We gave BM the pictures of SD in her outfit but she then demanded a copy of EVERY picture her daughter was in. Again, trying to keep the peace, I made copies for her. Then she got mad because we changed her clothes. That was the final straw and I said she can't be at the wedding. She fought with DH a few times but he wasn't going to change his mind either. We dropped off SD with BM the next day to leave on our honeymoon and BM had SD call us repeatedly. It was about once an hour, just to say hi. She was 7 years old and calling from BM's cell phone so there is no mistake that BM was putting her up to it.

If I were you, I'd either not respond to her email or tell her to deal with DH, it's not up to you. As far as letting SD stay with your parents, they are just as entitled to want to get to know SD too, after all, they are now going to be family too. and again, it's you FDH's decision. And 'real' family are the ones are there for her and love her, take care of her and look out for her. Blood family doesn't always do that.
ceph
15 years ago
Is SD's GM even invited to the wedding? If she's not, it's none of her d@mn beeswax what you do with your photos or who is in the wedding party. If she is, then I can see that she might want to see her GD in a lovely dress, demurely scattering flower petals while everyone oohs and aahs.
I can understand that she may be worried about her GD feeling included in her dad's special day, but the bottom line is that GM's opinion doesn't really matter about your wedding and she needs to trust that you and FDH love SD enough to make sure she feels included.
We sure don't care what A__'s GM thinks we should do at our wedding! (Heck, I don't even care what BM thinks we should do and she's actually involved in our lives)
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Mattie - to answer your question..... We have thought about if there was to be a switch in custody. I am fine with it. I just want my little SD where she can have some peace on a daily basis and not be thrown in the middle of this mess her mother is causing. I do have a daughter who is 14 - who's father was not involved in her life for years. We divorced when she was 2... and he just walked away. Now 12.5 years later he is trying to get his life together - so i purchased my BD a cell phone and got her an email account - so she can talk to her father. He is supposed to come and see her this summer - so I will let her see him and be involved with her dad - no matter if he has always been right or not - he is still her father. It is more important for me - for my daughter to know her father and have her questions answered by him - then to be upset with his past actions. He has to answer for those things to his daughter. Yabber: You know I dont have that book - but from what you say it may be worth us getting it and reading it. We don't have a clue what BM's issues are. DH tries not to argue with her, I refuse to argue with her about anything, we attempt to remain as peaceful as possible with the bull she pulls - mainly because there is a little girl thrown in the middle - and someone has to be stable in her life - and the other reason is because it is just not worth arguing with her. Fighting with her in my opinion will only make it worse - or feed into more hateful acts on her part. But now her actions have gotten progressively worse since the court case last Sept when the judge ordered her to stop this foolishness. My guess is that she just does not like the fact that she has to follow the court order. She has emailed DH before that no one will tell her what to do. So i am not sure if there is anything other than maybe someone who is angry and wants to get their way. If i had to take a guess, I would say may a vindictive ex with problems handling their anger - or a child who was so spoiled growing up - that still thinks she is supposed to have everything her way and the way she likes it. My husband thinks it might some jealousy as well.... of what i don't know but that's his opinion.
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Oh yeah.... in different ways, we all go through it. DH's don't want to see their "little angel's" flaws and would rather blame it on anyone but their child. Namely us for bringing it up. It's natural. My SO does it and others do too. It's not an exclusive thing, and you're right, the choices he makes right now will affect your future together. The more resentful you get of this child and how he behaves, the more resentful you'll get towards DH and that's a bad thing. My SD's grandmother on SO's side does the same thing. Buying her stuff, not enforcing SO's grounding, that kind of thing.... It's a total nightmare, I know. I've gotten several suggestions of finding a good (not an "excuses") counselor, and I think it's a very good suggestion. For the entire family even. You might look into that. I'm also looking into joining a gym. It will give me a few hours a week to get the frustration worked out, and at the same time time to think about what I want to say to my SO. Really all I can say is to have patience. That's what everyone is telling me. I'm writing my SO a letter explaining to him exactly how I feel, how my child feels, and how I feel about his complete disregard to what I tell him about actions around our house. I'll let you know if it works or if I just get the same old lip service.
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gigglemonster
Original Author
15 years ago
Thanks Imamommy. SD is truly my mom's first grandbaby. FDH and I met as struggling college students, him with little SD. My mom wasn't sure at first with FDH being so young and having a little one and both of us in college, but SD won her over at first sight. My mom has been the one to help us out or give us a break from the kiddos or give them that special toy/take them somewhere that we couldn't afford. And she did this with just SD, before we had DD. SD's Grandma hasn't even had SD overnight before, why would she think FDH would leave SD there for a week?

It just makes no sense.

Ceph, no Grandma is not invited. And it doesn't seem to me that she is very concerned about SD being left out, if she is I have to wonder why. She hasn't really given a rats a@$ before.
sylviatexas1
15 years ago
Ah, just let Honey thank her for her offer & tell her that the arrangements have been made & can't be un-made, & have the photographer take pics of each member of the wedding party all alone, stunningly gorgeous in his/her finery.

well.

maybe not bride...

maybe not groom...
finedreams
15 years ago
grandma has nothing to do with yours and her X- son in law's wedding. At first i thought it is his mom! It is his X's mom?

not like I am getting married any time time soon (if ever) but I cannot imagine having X's mom at the wedding and she is involved grandma and is in a great relationship with me. But at the wedding? It is just inappropriate. and if she wants to babysit SD, she should but not this time.
justnotmartha
15 years ago
I've been there, too. My SD was my parents first g-child, and they took her in as 'theirs' and have never treated her as anything but. Now that I have 2 sons as well they are the 3 grandkids, and my parents take them all at least a couple times a month, g-ma and SD have a special girls weekend away, etc. They are at all the games, school events, etc. DH's parents, while a wonderful, aren't around as much and not as interested in being part of day to day life. The kids still adore them, but it's a different relationship.

When we need sitters and such we usually call my parents, and I often get a weird vibe or reaction from the in laws. Problem is my mom offers before we even ask. We have to ask the in laws to go to something and feel like we are putting them out. So what to do?

For your wedding, I would let DH respond, tell his mom plans are set, photo's arranged, deal done. You could always take some camera shots of SD and send them to g-ma in a nice frame though.
doodleboo
15 years ago
That's what I'd do martha, tell Granny plans are set but you'll be sure to get some stellar shots of GD for her on a disposable. Then I'd just mail the whole camera to her. She got her pics so she can't really complain.
gigglemonster
Original Author
15 years ago
Sorry for the confusion. Grandma is BM's Mom. FDH's parents are wonderful, but FMIL has some back problems so extended visits with the kids aren't really comfortable for her.

The part that is irritating to me 1) don't involve me, FDH has done a damn good job handling BM's side of the family. 2) That SD is not family to my mom. It just rubbed me the wrong way after a long day at work yesterday. 3) I feel it is just an excuse to spy on the wedding.

It's silly and FDH has already sent her an email that the plans are to stay in place and to contact him for any/all communications.
justnotmartha
15 years ago
ohhh, then it is so totally a way to spy. Shut her down!
newstepmommy
15 years ago
I would not have wanted my dh's ex mil at our wedding! Good think his ex and family did not ask. As for the babysitting I would have dh tell her that plans are set and she lives too far for it to be convenient. Also tell him to point out her past unreliability with taking her grandaughter and have him tell her you need reliability since her leaving will affect your honeymoon.

I may be wrong but I would think that maybe the grandma is out to ruin honeymoon plans and would have another one of her emergencies when it came time for sd to go with her.
gigglemonster
Original Author
15 years ago
newstepmommy, I had not even thought of that angle! Fortunately she will not have the chance to do this.

SD's Grandmother...

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