You don't need help sounds like your husbnad does. untill he accepts it counseling ect then I don't know what you can do.

so your husband allows his daughter to punish your parents for airing unwelcome facts?
& he says the facts must not be true?
Does he have any theory as to *why* your parents would make up such a story???
& he screams & threatens to walk out if he has to face unwelcome facts in counselling?

He doesn't *want* his little cupcake to be a sexually active manipulator, & he's mad at your parents because they've tried to *make* him know.

Screaming & threatening to walk out of a counselling?

Same thing; he *will not* hear what he doesn't want to.

so you're living in a household controlled by a 16 year old manipulator who knows that you're the enemy, who knows how to pull her father's strings (& whose father likes that), & who won't stop until you either submit to her control or move out.

If you were gone, she'd be the queen without interference or competition, & her father would be more content, too, since he wouldn't have to know what he doesn't want to know.

As fivemeows says, if he won't go to counselling in good faith, there isn't anything you can do.

I've been through a similar experience, & it got very ugly.

I hope you find the courage & the insight to resolve your situation, & I wish you well.

There are some boundaries that you and your parents did not respect. The daughter was offended. Don't expect to be rewarded.

Thanks for the input everyone. I feel as if my DH doesn't want to face the truth about his not so innocent daughter so he just avoids the whole subject. I really don't care if the SD was offended...I would much rather her be offended than pregnant! I have since refused to tell DH anything that I may find out his manipulating daughter does because he just doesn't care and refuses to correct her. She could walk down broadway nude and I will never tell him. I did however tell him that if she comes home pregnant that she can pack her bags that night and live with her lover. Hopefully I can survive 2 more years till she goes to college and leaves the house. The other night I was sitting in our basement working on a puzzle. SD came down and said "can I have MY chair". I told her that I was using it and that she could go get another one. She threw a B*&^% fit and started coming towards me yelling that it was HER chair and she wanted it. I don't know if she was going to hit me or what. I shouldn't have given it to her but I did and went to get another one. Her father never said a word to her about how she treats me. She will never learn right from wrong with a parental figure that refuses to teach respect. Keep in mind she is going to be 17.....not 2. I can't stand to be in the same room with her, even the sound of her voice makes me sick anymore. Her room hasn't been vaccumed in over 3 months.I have been so stressed out between her and her father that I started getting migraines and I never got headaches in my life. Sylviatexas...I would really like to know how you handled your situation before mine gets really ugly. Right now I just avoid her all together and avoid telling her father anything.

Stepmom,
It sounds like there are some dynamics in your home that you do not understand. You may be correct in many of your assessments in regard to your husband and step-daughter's behaviers, but being correct has not been getting you anywhere. To me it sounds like your husband and step-daughter would appreciate you not finding fault with them.

Of course you care that the girl does not go astray, but you will not be able to influence her in a positive way as long as you continue to find fault with her. The same goes for your parents. She doesn't keep her room--so don't look in her room. She doesn't want you sitting in her chair--so don't.

Try to distance yourself from some of the annoyances you have. Work on yourself--perhaps if you were happier with yourself, you would be nicer to be around.

brass, apparently your as blind as my husband...everyone enjoys being around me, its the SD thats the problem. She not only has a problem with me, she has problems with everyone. Ever since she was in the 5th grade she has had problems with atleast one teacher every year and she is now in 11th grade. She has had problems with the field hockey coaches so she quit, she has had problems with the people she worked with part time so she quit and she has had problems with girlfriends who now have nothing to do with her. She has not been invited even to go to the movies by anyone. So.........its seems here that she is the problem, not me and I just need to know how to live with someone with her attitude towards people in general. I should not have to give up a chair in my own home just because she wants it. There are many...and i mean many things of mine that she uses without asking and I don't say "GIVE IT BACK ITS MINE" like a little two year old. She needs to get a grip on life here and start maturing. I can't see her ever surviving on her own - people don't like her kind.

Dear Stepmom,

I understand exactly how you feel towards SD and dear hubby.

I've been there, i've had the T-shirt. We also went to counseling and nothing helped until one day i said to myself I don't want nothing to do with this SD. Nothing and i mean it.

If you can, and i know this is not always easy, as of today, just ignore SD, just ignore her. It doesn't matter if hubby likes it or not. Please ignore her. For months and months now I make a point of not answering the phone now at night cuz I know it will be SD and I don't even want to hear her voice and I am sure she doesn't care to hear mine either.

Your SD is rude towards your parentes. Her behaviour is unacceptable. Her attitude towards your parents is enough to convince you that this child is spoiled and doesn't care if she hurts people.

My oldest SD is the same and I always knew she wasn't nice but I was never sure cuz I didn't know any of her friends. But eventually, i did meet people she knew and guess what they have told me : your SD is mean!!! In fact, she has no friends at all. Wonder why!

Don't let the stress get to you. I know its hard, believe me I know. And its even worse when our hubbies don't want to understand us or agree with us. I've fought for so many years with hubby over his daughter that now I just keep my mouth shut every time he talks about her and I say...oh ya, really, bla bla. I never ask how she is doing. I don't care and even less now.

A few months ago, she told her father she would have her car repossessed. I wonder why. I've always said she is irresponsible. I agreed she needed a car with two kids and all. I said to hubby if I had money, I would give her mine and I would buy another one for us. I said '' if i had money''. Well we don't have the money to do such a thing but guess what hubby did and he never discussed it with me beforehand.

He told SD that when he would get a bonus at work (500$) he would give it to her so she could buy a second hand car.

I was pissed off! You wouldn't believe it. His money is my money and my money is his. I would never in my life done such a thing without discussing it with him first.

Well, he came home with his pay check and the money. I said are you still planning to give her 500 $. He said YES! I said why do you have to give her so much. How about we use half for our bills (and god knows we have lots of bills) and the other half to her. I understand she needs a car but we need to pay bills!. He never listened to me and now she has a car and we still have bills to pay.

I told him from now on it would be 50-50 between us with the money. I'd paid 50 per cent of the bills and he was responsible for the rest. I make a lot more money than him but I've kept to my point and when it is time for us to do the budget, i say, I'll pay this and this, the rest is your rresponsibility. You wanted to send your daughter 500 $ , well then pay the price.

Now he tells me : i don't think i will give her that big a gift at christmas seeing i just gave her 500 $ !!!DA! I don't even discuss gifts for her. I don't even go shopping for her.

Please try to do the same. Stay away from her! Don't wish her good night. I may sound mean but I've had enough with step children who make our lives miserable.

Bonne journ.

Oh stepmom, what a situation! And so hard to handle if you don't have the support you need (I am referring to your husband).

I couldn't disagree more with the advice you have just received; and I am telling you this having gone through hell oh so many times. Please keep in mind that anger is generally the easiest emotion to show, but there is an underlying problem with your step daughter and clearly with your husband.

It always baffles me how kids don't realize how much their actions hurt the people around them. But she may be both a. just a teenager and b. mortified that you have uncovered her sexual-discovery as well as her lies.

In a family, one person's problem is everyone's problem. Have you thought of doing couseling the three of you together? Is it too late to try and level with her and come up with a solution together? My biggest turning point is when I uncovered some of my "dirt" of when I was my step-son's age, about how we all go through certain things and how in my own way, I just don't want him to hurt himself in ways that he may have thought to be small, but had massive consequences....

As for your husband, is there any way of talking to him and trying to find a common front? By this I mean not pointing out how he attacks you, but just plain old data-gathering, asking him questions and taking notes, without making any comment, and making sure that there is no judgement in any of the questions. Maybe, after that dinner out, or on a weekend when she isn't around, it might make it easier. Trying to get a better understanding of where he is coming from might even help him feel respected as a man/dad/husband.... It's silly, but it's true when they say that men would choose respect over love any day, as they see the two to be so closely linked. If he feels under attack (and it sounds like he's not getting a break on any front), he is very likely to attack first.

When was the last time you took some time off for yourself (and I am not talking puzzles in the basement)? I think that if you are able to take care of you, value yourself, you might have the abs it takes to endure the blows and come above it. I guess what I am trying to say, dear stepmom, is take good care of yourself. It's hard to deal with all you have to deal with.

See if there is a step-family group situation you can enter; bouncing off ideas looking at people in the eye and with a mediator might be more helpful to you. If lead well, those support groups can really give you the strength and the energy you need for your family. Or maybe, find a family therapist just for yourself so you have at least one sounding board. So much of my pain, I have found, came from all the expectations I had for my family (everyone included); a lot of my time was spent mourning that loss and finding ways to cope with the family I had promised forever to... At the same time, if anything was going to go down, I was going to fight until I could because, "gosh darn it", my family was worth fighting for!!!

Please hang in there and keep us all posted. I'll be thinking about you!

Thank you all for your great words of wisdom. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not alone in this sort of situation. I have asked my husband to have the SD join us in counseling but he said NO! I guess he feels that she isn't the problem or in fact that he doesn't want to really find out the trust about her. Puzzles are my hobbie and the only place big enough to work on them is in our finished basement (family room). Unfortunately one of our computers is also down there too so I have to deal with her at times. Most of the time if she goes down stairs then I will go up just to avoid a confrontation. The thing that ticked me off most about the whole chair deal was after I gave her the chair, she only sat down there 5 minutes then went upstairs and got on the phone for two hours. What was the whole point of her needing that specific chair in the first place if she wasn't going to use it? She only did that deliberately to piss me off. My husband wouldn't allow me to attend any counseling alone or any group talk because he doesn't want to come out looking like the bad guy. He is really a nice guy when she isn't around.

Stepmom,
You might have your DH going for counseling, one day; but only after your SD will get in big trouble and cross the limits outside your family circle.

I guess it must be very hard for your husband to accept/deal with criticism from a family member; he knows you see him as a parenting failure, and he's turning against you because it's easier than facing his own crisis. I bet, he's not blind; however, like many parents out there, he's going to Love his child, in spite of not quite Liking her; this is his secret torment.

However, if he loves his daughter, he will have to try for a change- as I've mentioned - when someone outside the family will point out the crisis.
In my case, he went for counseling w/his son only after the shool brought up the troubling matters (same ones I tried to make him see for years). But, for me it was too late; too much hurt/history involved! (So, don't let that eat at you, before you see light at the end of the tunnel.)
I hope you'll find the strength and the clever ways to go thru this.

Stepmom,
I read your posts and I see something that you don't. Sometimes it isn't what we do or say so much as it is HOW we do or say something.

Your husband's daughter must have been very embarrassed because her grandmother saw that picture of her. Of course you and your parents knew that you she would be hurt and embarrassed by spreading what you knew to her dad. Your husband no doubt didn't think you or your parents were very kind--and probably thought a whole lot more.

Now you are in a pickle because the girl hasn't spoken to her grandparents since that day. She has it in for you too. So maybe you are feeling that what you did was the right thing to do. So own it. Own the consequences too.

Your step daughter does not like you. That's ok isn't it? We can like or dislike anyone we so choose. She has her reasons. You dislike her too--you don't have to have a 'reason' to dislike anyone. So the two of you can go on and dislike each other for the rest of your lives. Drama can be your companion, or you can decide to live a life of peace and joy.

If you reply, please read my original post to you. It's just all I have to say. Cheers

Brass,
Yes i agree with you 100% on HOW you say things but let me assure you that I have never spoke unkindly, harshly, ingorantly or anything other than nice to my SD. I have done so much for and with her and never got as much as a thank you from her. This has been going on for the past 4 years, the picture problem just happened in july.

I have run her to 4H, back & forth to work, all around town for her club activities because the other mothers couldn't be bothered, I take her shopping, I ran her to sports practice before she quit and even paid her way to go to some basket bingos with me...what more does she expect? I would like a little appreciation once in awhile. It gets old doing everything for a person but they don't give anything back and still treat you like crap. I'm DONE trying with this girl. She is a lost cause as far as I'm concerned.

If my husband was any kind of father, he should have requested to see the picture himself but he never did. Me nor my mother were trying to be mean or get her into any trouble. As for her being embarrased, the grandmother never saw the picture in question. And yes, she should be embarrased just for the sneaking around. What kind of morals does this girl have...NONE! Based on the activities we (me and her father) have found out that she was doing at age 15, she was NOT to be talking, seeing, dating...NOTHING with this boy.

You're 100% right again when you say SD doesn't like me and I don't like her and that IS just fine but there needs to be some respect. I always show her respect and tried to help her in any way possible but not anymore...I'm done. I'm tired of being treated poorly and I still can't wait for the day when she moves out. My life will be 1000x's better!

I completely agree with you stepmom. Respect is respect. This girl is a teenager and all teenagers go through this phase. But its up to her dad to reign her in on her behaviour and it sounds to me like i just wants to be her friend and not upset her.
You are right. She wont be living with you forever and it does get better when they leave. And i do agree with you. If she gets pregnant, help her but not in your own house. She can pack her bags and go live with her lover.
As for the chair incident, i would tell her a chair is a chair and have some respect since i'm using it. And if she came at me like that, i would have broken it in front of her and said , 'no one gets the chair. We either share and if you do not want to share than next time you cannot use anything of mine.' Cruel yes, but straight in the face. She did it just to piss you off.
I do agree with some point with brass, if anything is hers, don't use it. Ignore her, her room her habits.
Its hard but ya gotta do it.

stepmom,
Not unlike so many parents nowdays, you have a kid on your hands that has grown up too fast. She does not grasp the ramifications of what she is doing. You and your husband do, but both of you feel powerless to do anything about it. Add to that the resentmnet that is taking over in your home.

Like I said, as long as you continue to dislike this girl, you will not be able to help her. Give some thought to the law of action and reaction. It may take her a very long time to get over what she feels was a kind of betrayal by you and your parents. Time may heal. In the meantime, illuminate your mind with some healthy learning. Enjoy your husband. Enjoy your friends. Start enjoying yourself. Make the decision to forgive. Pray for the miracle of forgiveness to happen. Recognize that you are powerless over some things--give this up and let God. There is a new year coming up--be there.

Dear stepmom,

You are so right. At one point, we stepmom's get sick and tired of not having even a thank you from these SDs.

In fact, it took me years to really put the point on what was making me ill at ease around my oldest SD. I finally realized that is was the fact that the kid never, never would say thank you for things i did for her. At first, i excused her cuz she was 9 years old; i thought kids were like that sometimes, etc. etc. but as the years went by, i realize that even t 16, 17, 18 years old she still would not say thank you for instance for spending the entire weekend at our cottage, being fed and all; she never would say thank you when i would give her a little gift ( she would thank her father but not me; not even a phone call to say thank you. Two years ago, I sent her a nice necklace for her birthday. I thought, i am sure she will call me to let me know if she likes it! Nope! Not a word! After a few weeks, she called home and i asked her : do you like the necklace; oh yes, its nice. thanks.! I never saw her wear it! I guess i had to ask her what she thought about the gift in order to know her reaction!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still waiting for a thank you from her for her wedding gift her father and I gave her. She said thank you to her father, but not to me!

I confronted her father on this one and its always the same old thing; he finds excuses for the behavior. Once in a blue moon he'll agree with my feelings but most of the time he's busy defending her and maybe once a year, he'll say something to me like - she hasn't even called to wish me a happy father's day! Oh really, i say!
Out of guilt, he has never said anything to her about her behavior towards me.

The bottom line is i know she doesn't like and never has;
I did not judge her in the beginning but with time, i am realizing that no matter what i have done for this SD or what i will ever do for her ....it's never enough and she doesn't like me!

Fine with me. It took me a long time to accept that but now i am truly ok with it and i in fact feel a lot better about the whole situation.
If she comes home at Christmas with her hubby and two daughters ...i don't care! I'll ignore her as much as possible and i'll keep repeating to myself. It's only for today! She'll be leaving soon! YES! YES YES!

so he sat there while cupcake verbally abused you & made a threatening advance on you?

I just read something simple & profound, something like,
"the point of having power is having power,
the point of having control is having control."

It wasn't about the chair.

She made you get up & move to show you that she can.

& her daddy showed you that he'll let her do it.

Going upstairs after 10 minutes shows you that she can & will pull your strings for no reason at all.

She has the power.
She has the control.

What would have happened if you hadn't given her the chair?

She'd have shoved you, you'd have put up your hands or grabbed for support, & she'd have beaten you.

& your "husband"'s response would have been irritation & exasperation *with you*, because you wouldn't get along with his little darling.

Had you had to go to the hospital, & the police been called, he'd have acted like he was upset, that this was a fight between 2 jealous females, that he just didn't know why you couldn't get along.

& the police would likely have believed it.

I think we women, in particular, think that if we're on the partner's team, then the partner is on our team.
When that changes, sometimes we don't even realize it, & then we're bewildered & hurt when things get ugly.

This man is not your partner, not your friend.
The good faith husband/wife relationship does not exist.

.........
.........

I unwisely moved in with a boyfriend.
I had just sold my house, & he was eager for me to move in with him, & I was flattered...

stupid.
Well, naive, anyway.

At the time, his daughter lived with her mother.

The daughter came to live with her dad because he spoiled her:
she could get away with more than she could at her mother's house.

I, like you, didn't realize what had happened until I learned that the daughter & her father were "discussing" me, as though I were an old pet that the father was tired of.

Realizing that I was now an outsider & that they wanted me gone (& feeling very betrayed by someone I thought I loved), I also realized that they would not stop until I was gone, *no matter what it took*.

I also learned that he would do whatever he had to do to make me look like the troublemaker/problem:

The day I moved out, he chased me down the highway & ran me off the road.

Luckily I had my cell phone & called the police.

He told the police that I had stolen things from his house.

which was lucky, because they could see that the car had nothing but me, some clothes, & 2 dogs.

The only reason I went back for my grandmother's rocking chair was because 2 friends went with me.

When we got to the house, he picked up the rocking chair & acted like he was going to hit me with it, held it over his head & came at me with it.

I was scared out of my wits, & he (like your stepdaughter?) really liked seeing that. the point of having power & all.

The male friend stepped in front of me & said something like, "now, james, you just need to calm down", & james told him that he never acted like this, that I had driven him to it, that it was my fault.

which is what abusers do...

You are in a dangerous situation.
It's not a matter of if but of when.

Please take care of yourself, call a women's shelter & get into counselling *for yourself*, change your bank, get an accommodation mailing address (I think PO box numbers are still public record), & be very careful.

sylviatexas,
Thanks for your concern. I'm hoping that things don't get that bad. Believe me, if they do I won't hesitate to call police for help. As of right now I just avoid her. She has asked me to do things for her several times this month and I just ignored her and didn't do any of it. She even wanted me to wrap her christmas presents that she got for her druggie mother and stepfather! She didn't even buy her own father anything and probably won't. She is such an ungrateful person. She told me that she isn't going to be attending my family's christmas eve party this year. When I asked her why she said because they aren't her family. This will be the first time in 6 years that she won't be there. They were good enough to be family the last 5 years until she got caught sneaking around. Now I think she is just afraid or ashamed to face them. She is going to her bosses party instead and her father is allowing it.

All I want for Christmas is for everyone to get along!

Unfortunately in this situation you have hit a brick wall... The problem does not lie with the SD but with the Husband for allowing her to manipulate him. It is sad that it will probably take her getting pregnant for him to believe "his angel" would do anything bad. Even then he may go with the immaculate conception theory. Don't get me wrong most father's suffer from these delusions of wonderful innocent daughters. However; yours is taking to the extremes of actually allowing his daughter to degrade herself and doing nothing about it. Children need and want discipline... Your husband not reacting to the situation actually sends the message to the girl that "I do not car enough about you to find out what is going on in your life.) Hopefully he can get over his ego and decide to be a father to her instead of allowing her to make her own rules.