"How can I graciously remove her from my "friend" list?"

You can't...
But this is one of those times when *written* communication will be your best friend. Since you actually want to scratch her eyes out, face-to-face verbal communication won't hide that as well as a perfectly-worded email or Facebook note. So just put on your best 'Southern Lady' hat (even if you're not) and write something along the lines of:

"We're so thrilled to know you're in town -- Your Dad and I can't wait to see you. I know you'll probably want to get together with all your friends so your schedule's up in the air, but please let us know when we can expect to see you here."

She won't miss the point -- which is simply that a visit to both families is necessary.

While I understand you being upset and feeling bad for DH, I don't think I'd go so far as boot off your 'friend' list, don't think there that can be 'graciously' done without more hurt feelings.

Could be SD thought Dad would not know and therefore not be hurt. Does Dad check facebook often, is he on her 'friend' list?

Could also be SD has her feelings hurt also by the up and coming Christmas Florida trip and she's not thinking real mature at the moment. I'm not trying to side with SD here, just thinking about where she could be coming from in her behavior involving her dad right now.

Maybe DH needs to talk to her. She may be thinking something along the lines that DH would not mind missing out on Thanksgiving as he was first by his own willingness missing out on Christmas. (Yes, I know she was invited to Christmas in Florida, I'm not judging, just trying to point out there may be more going on in Sd's mind than just skipping out on her father at Thanksgiving)

I've hit a point in my life where I've decided that it's dumb to sit around silently feel hurt if someone doesn't call or involve me in things. It needlessly poisons the relationship, and the other person may just be oblivious or busy. It happens.

If your husband feels so unhappy, he doesn't have to sit around moping and being a victim. He has a phone! If he wants to do things with his daughter, he can call and invite her to do something with him or with you and him. And if he does, I would recommend letting go of the anger and the idea that she should feel guilty before making the call so that the get-together is just about enjoying one another's company.

Stop being so mad at your SD over this. It's a two-way street, and your husband could easily fix his own unhappiness over it if he felt like making the effort.

Justmetoo:
She informed us in September that she would be accompanying her mother to South Carolina for Thanksgiving. BM orchestrated the holiday long before our plans for Christmas. Oldest daughter (24) declined the invitation and has been bullied about it ever since. I do feel bad for her.

The whole Facebook thing with "young family" members is just plain weird. I even have a hard time being "friends" with my daughter-in-laws. I just don't "NEED TO KNOW." DH is on his daughter's Facebook but doesn't check it often.

I think you're right ... DH needs to talk with his daughter honestly about his hurt feelings and I need to mind my own business.

Although ....
I may copy and paste Sweeby's politely, yet pointed Southern Lady note!

;)

Sovra:
I may be evolving!
One would think at 51 yrs old, I would've learned that lesson by now.
Thanks for reminding me!

Yeah, staying out of the middle might be best. With my DH's son (SS42, I'm 50) I know I find myself having to simply ignore them both when they come to butting heads--I tell them they are both adults and can figure it out themselves, but then that's pretty much what I say when my/our own adult kids and the husband have their differences and what DH tells the kids when they have differences with me.

We do and always have in my family do lots of talking and getting any problems/issues out front and center. My own father set me on to that many years ago when he dealt with me. No matter what I'd done, said, thought blah blah, he always wanted to know the ways and how. Always I heard 'I don't understand, explain it to me'. He may not have agreed with me but he wanted to know why I felt the way I did. He was a strong believer in communication. I was never confrontational, but rather a respect and a 'we are in this togehter, we need to know and understand each other' way.

I really like the nice letter. You are polite and are letting her know that you all know she is in town. Then it is all on her to schedule something to see her father. and if she does not do so then she has nobody to blame but herself.

If you are uncomfortable being facebook friends with your younger family members because you get too much information, you can always set your facebook to hide their regular wall postings.

You will still see any facebook messages they send you in their inbox.

I don't understand why you are upset. Let it go. I lived with steps like that for over 30 years and I let it go. Nagging and being mad doesn't do any good, it only hurts you and your husband. My steps did not even come see their Dad the last 4 years of his life and they lived within 20 miles of him. The day he died, they didn't even go to the care home see one last time. I did not have a funeral for him because if I had....when they turned on their crocodile tears I would have certainly let them have it.

Maime:
Good advice to let it go. I've been thinking heavily about "why" it bothers me so much and concluded the issue belongs to me, simply because it stirs up feelings from my childhood. My parents divorced when I was 13. My father had full custody of us. There were many times my mother would come into town and not call us or see us. It was very hurtful and apparently those feelings have been ignited again after 35 years.

Most definately let it go.
Been awhile since I've been on here, but my situation is partially the same. We have a grown daughter (actually not biologically either my husbands nor mine) but he has been with her, her entire life. He retained custody of her and her 2 sisters when BM went all crazy on drugs..
Now that she is grown she just pretends he doesn't exist. Now this enrages me to no end. I feel like if she wants to ignore me or be angry with me fine, I can take it. But that man did what even her own biological mother wouldn't do for her.. Love her unconditionally and raise her. However; I learned that this rage I feel doesn't help me at all, nor my husband. She is an adult and it is her life and her mistakes. although it hurts, you have to let them make their choices be it right or be it wrong.

Follow Up:
I did in fact "let it go" and did nothing. She got back from her out of town trip with her mother and didn't bother coming by or calling before she left for college again. Her father sent her a text message 2 days before Thanksgiving that said "I'm sad you haven't come by since you've been home. Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving." Her response was "Sorry. U 2"

You can bet I won't be very eager to assist her in the future, send care packages to college, drive 3.5 hours to watch her in a concert or receive an academic award etc., etc. I'll gladly support Mark should he decide to participate in her events, however; he's very cool about #2 daughter right now and I can't blame him.

Terinick, good for you!! It's sad when kids "choose" one parent over the other, but there's not much we can do about it except support our DH's. My DH goes thru this with kids all the time,it's like a rollercoaster ride sometimes!!

So Dad sent her a "Sorry it didn't work out" passive-agressive, guilt-inducing, defeatist, pre-emptive sour grapes text message, and now you're both hurt, angry and resentful. That message made it harder for her to do what you wanted her to do, not easier. It inspired dread -- not "Looking forward to our visit"

I agree that she acted badly -- but turning that text around into "Can't wait to see you -- I'll be right over!" just wasn't going to happen. Kind of like ending a date with "It was nice meeting you - " and no kiss, then fuming when he doesn't call for a second date.

"So Dad sent her a "Sorry it didn't work out" passive-agressive, guilt-inducing, defeatist, pre-emptive sour grapes text message ..."

Sweeby ... that's a great observation. I wanted to use the words you suggested earlier which are also passive aggressive:

"We're so thrilled to know you're in town -- Your Dad and I can't wait to see you. I know you'll probably want to get together with all your friends so your schedule's up in the air, but please let us know when we can expect to see you here."

... but decided to do nothing. Mark dealt with his daughter as he saw fit. He was honest and expressed his sadness. If his daughter felt guilt or dread ... oh well ... no one can MAKE anyone feel anything.

I think there must be a reason SD does not call and does not visit when she is in town. If DD would be in mine or dad's town and not visit either one of us, we would know there is something behind it, some reason. I would want to know why she is not visiting.

LOL Terinick! You're right -- My words were also passive agressive.
But they made it easier for her to show up and harder to stay away... ;-)

Sweeby:
For your enjoyment, I must admit, on my Facebook status yesterday, I wrote:

"disRespect, disMiss, disHonest, disEngage, disAssociate ... DISS the DIS in your life."

Now *THAT* is passive, passive aggressive!

And for further information ... it's not uncommon for me to update my FB status with kibbles and bits of wisdom, so she'll see my blurb on her home page.

finedreams:
I agree with you - something has happened, however; it's not my job to find out the details nor will I beat myself up playing the amazing Karnak. Hopefully Mark will get it out of her when she calls in two weeks looking for her $5000.00 check for next semester's expenses.