But doesn't "throwing it together" mean that she SHOULD pay for 50% of the cost? (not just "her" guests).

I would be irritated too. We had a disastrous 13th bday party for my SS a few years ago. BM didn't want to have it at her house so my then boyfriend had it at his....I showed up unexpectedly because my plans changed and she flipped out (told him to tell me to leave, then made it clear in front of the kids that she did not want me there). I honestly though it was nothing -- we were adults who should be able to be present in the same room, right? WRONG! It was ugly and we said that from now on we will have separate parties. Well the next year was her turn -- no party...just couldn't get the dates to work, etc. (excuse after excuse)....the next year was our year, we had a paintball party that she asked to be invited to (we said no, sorry, that last b'day was ruined for him and we simply don't want to risk that for him this time)....next b'day was her year and "he is too old for a party now that he is 16" But, guess what? This year she asks me "can you give SS money instead of a party to help pay for his spring break trip?" haha! I'm like, but last year when it was your party turn you said he was too old, but . . . but, nice try!

I totally agree with jerseystepmom, throwing it together should mean the cost be split 50/50 Last year, my DH and I called BM to ask about SD's birthday. She wanted a bowling party and DH asked her to plan it & tell him how much his half was. She first tried to lie & say it was $300 but when I checked the party packages, found that was more than the WHOLE party would cost. (in prior years, he just took her word and gave her the money). When they agreed on the cost (turned out to be about $180.00, he even agreed to pay $100 and she pay $80) but as the day got closer, she did the same thing.... adding things. He stood up to her and said she can add whatever she wants but he's paying what they agreed on. Well, it turned into a big fight.. she went to his job and created a scene. She threatened a custody battle, which started that day and lasted five months. I'm sure this little girl will never forget her 8th birthday..(very sad)

It's about control.. she probably is trying to impress new BF too. Whatever the reason, she has her own agenda and it's not about making her child's day special or she would be happy to pay half (or even part) IMHO, sometimes it is just best to celebrate separately. If she is creating conflict, I wouldn't invite her or even let her know when or where it's gonna be. She can do something with him on her time. It would be wonderful if EVERYONE could get along but you can only control your own actions. If you allow yourself to get irritated and react to her, then you are fueling her fire to stir things up.

I am just a little confused -- she originally said 300, you "checked", got it cut down to 180, but then there were extras. I think that happens a lot, that there are extras. But you got her to go with minimal package. Then the mom got upset. I am not certain that fight wasnt about dad (or dads new wife) not wanting to pay half.

Sounds more like Mom told Dad $300. Dad called the bowling alley who told him $180. Dad thought Mom was lying. Maybe she was? Or maybe Mom's version included the extras.

OP - It's easy and rewarding to whirl in and be "SuperMom for a Day" then go back home and collapse into bed with BF. IMO, you were more than reasonable to invite her to come, but when she tried to add more than herself plus one to the guest list and take over the party, she crossed the ettiquette line.

Sweeby, hard to say what happened, but Iamoammy said she checked prices. My experience, is different packages, etc. Adding extras is not "lying" in my book. It may not be about control.

I want to clarify what happened. My husband and SD's mom had agreed on a joint party. He told her to go ahead and book it. She called back and told him the price $300 for the package she wanted. She told us how many kids & how much time that included. I then went to the bowling alley's website and saw the package that she told us she was getting was $180. Then she admitted it was 180 and they agreed to split it 100/80. After that, she wanted to add a banner for $20 and when he agreed to that, she called back and wanted to add another lane for $60. that he didn't think was needed. She then told him that she was only paying for $80 and he had to pay the rest. That's when he said enough. She was already pissed that she didn't get away with getting him to hand over $300 cash because in the past, he let her make the arrangements and trusted that she was being fair and just gave her however much money she requested.

They had a huge fight on her birthday (because Mom had gone into his job to demand money for a costume that had nothing to do with the party & she said she was only paying for HER guests) Her actual birthday party was a couple of days later and we all attended and were civil to each other. In the end, we split the cost of the party there at the bowling alley. She tried to get us to pay the whole thing on our credit card and she offered to "write us a check" for her half. We didn't go for that. (and for anyone that thinks I didn't want to pay for my step daughter's anything, that's very wrong. I buy her school clothes, counseling, girl scouts, doctor & medicine, school lunches, etc. We don't get a penny of support from her mom who hasn't held a steady job in 12 years and lives on the child/spousal support her first victim pays)

Just from her history, he broke up with her after she took his credit card from his wallet and charged $2000 in Mary Kay products without his permission. They were never married and she told him she was on birth control, but as soon as she got pregnant, she was telling his family that they were getting married (he never asked her). In her first marriage's divorce papers, her first husband said the same thing, she told him she was on birth control but still ended up pregnant... only he married her & divorced her a year later.

We have given SD every party since she was 5 (when DH got custody) and invited mom to them all, less one. That would be 3rd grade, when after she got the invite for the party SD had requested went ahead and booked a pizza party the week before, inviting the same kids that we did. As we felt it very rude to ask parents to have their kids at 2 parties we canceled ours and let her have hers, though that was not what SD wanted. BTW, we were not invited by mom to that party.

We have paid the bill in full each year with no offer of help from mom though she has come, eaten the pizza, had her nails done, whatever the case may be.

OP, I think you were well within your rights to draw the line. The message may have been better communicated by DH, but water under the bridge now. Perhaps next year you can contact her well in advance and say "here is who we are inviting, here is what we are providing, etc. You are welcome to attend, but anything past what we've outlined will be your responsibility," and then hang up/walk away.

Or, maybe she will have already impressed BF enough and not even be interested in the party.