UPDATE: I want to thank jannie for her information because my mother got her stimulus money deposited a few days ago - yippie! We did have to go thru the whole 1099 request and mail forwarded from CA to FL and such and such. About three weeks ago, after urgent care & emergency room fiascos, I realized (during hours & hours of waiting rooms and lots of time to think about it) that I really needed to accept the fact that she is losing her cognitive abilities and that I needed to take charge and make it happen. So I dragged her down to Social Security and 4 hours later, she became a Florida resident. Then to DMV for a Florida ID, then online application for Medicaid and other Florida benefits. We're still a little stuck on the Medicaid and Medicare Part D issue, but it's in work. I found a county-paid free elder lawyer who drew up a Durable Power of Attorney, Living Will, and HIPAA documents so I could speak for my mother in such matters. This all came up because I stupidly decided not to accompany her inside the urgent care when she spoke to the doctor and I have no idea what my mom told her, but she left happy and with a prescription for antibiotics. I had to go to the front desk and ask for the diagnosis and copy of the records. The next day, after she discussed everything with her friends back in California, she decided that the Urgent Care doctor was a quack and she needed to go to the ER. (NOTE TO SELF: eat lunch BEFORE going to the ER, because you'll be there for hours.) This time I made sure to be there with her every minute. She came up with a completely different story that she told the ER doctor (at least it was different than the story she told me to get to the Urgent Care the day before, since I'm not exactly sure what she said), and didn't even mention that she was on antibiotics (maybe that would explain the lack of bacteria in the urine sample?) so I really had to run ramshod at the ER to make sure the doc had the right story. And I'm sure I came across as the uptight, annoyed, inconvenienced daughter while my sweet darling mom charms everyone in the hospital. Here's the kicker: She said that she had the same symptoms when she was in Virginia visiting friends early in the year. She went to an ER and then followed-up a few weeks later at a GYN. Then a couple of weeks ago I get the Medicare summary from that incident, and there's a bill for chest x-rays, influenza something....hmmm. How could that possibly be related to lower abdominal pain & frequent urination? A quick phone call to the hospital hinted to me that she came in with a cough and flu symptoms. Hmmm. Now I am contacting all of her past doctors & visits and trying to get copies of all her medical history. Very complicated, many various doctors & specialists. Even though she's in relatively good health and only takes two meds (high BP and thyroid). Anyway, it's the county Elder Helpline that's getting me through all this. They are wonderful and explain all the services and how to use them. The services give no explanation at all nor will they answer any questions - they just administer their programs and that's it. I've checked out all the books and links that were recommended above and did get a little bit of knowledge with each one. I am getting along better now (as in, no fights for a few weeks now) as I keep reminding myself that she is like a toddler and that little conniption she's having over a wet towel left on floor is just like a kiddie tantrum. I'm a bit concerned about how this is affecting my kids, but I plan to ask for a counseling recommendation when I see my doctor for my annual next month. I am still happy to read any more advice that anybody might have. My current dilemma is finding something for my mom to do, maybe once or twice a week. Adult day care (doesn't seem to exist in my county) or Silver Sneakers or SOMETHING where she can interact with others. Only problem is that she doesn't think she's old so she doesn't want to hang out with old people. Ugh. Thanks for all the help, everyone, and hope you are all doing well in your personal situation. Lisa

My problem is not about marriage! Mine is about my eldest, who loves to degrade me, talk about me to her friends, get them to believe she knows me SO WELL, that whatever she says about me is absolutely the truth! She will tell me, she is JUST TRYING TO HELP ME,that I have problems, that no one knows about but her, then she blasted me on an internet page, (not in private) but so E1 could read it, about something I did 2 mos ago and saying the current incident is THE SAME thing but that she stood up for me anyway, when another family member I now live with said I lied,(which I didn't). Anyway,twice, she had asked me to live with her, to help me financially, after becoming disabled and was struggling but both times, it was a disaster, and of course,(I got the blame) even though I stay to myself, respect others in the home,tried not to get work dumped on me. But both times I got accused of not doing ANY of that! And of course,also, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! If I would have my own opinion on ANYTHING...she would correct me, telling me and others how WRONG I am! We have mutual friends and I think she is also jealous of that! One of my other daughters has told her to stay away from her and her family, that she was no longer welcome in their home because she related her husband to someone else, that he is totally not like at all. A mutual friend on an internet site, doesn't talk to her anymore, and I recently asked her why that was, and she said she HONESTLY didn't know, she just quit talking to her? I just read the post on: "TOXIC Relationships"! And believe me, most of it has been going on for about 3 plus yrs. between us. I have stopped talking to her in the past, due to this behavior toward me but if she approached me and apologized,(which isn't often but she will do it, if there's a benefit in it somewhere)...or so it seems?...I have given her the benefit of the doubt and we have started hanging out again! It's funny how the very things she accuses me of, she does herself but somehow, the WAY she does it, is still better than me! I just moved out the last time at the end of Feb 11 and moved in with another fam. member because I had no where to go. She didn't ask me to move out but it wasn't pleasant, so decided it was best for me! (all involved)!I think she's jealous as I said about a mutual friend because I had asked her to go places with me without my daughter and so? Her and I get along! my daughter has told me to SHUT UP in public and embarrased me, and our friend said "respect her, that's your Mom". And she'd say, "I'm just playing"! For some reason she had gotten into this bad habit of saying this and even has said it to her husband making him mad too! However, she has gotten over that mostly! Her and her husband had their own problems and needed help, that's ok but now that they are, she advises others, as though she's all fixed and can/should tell others their problems and "learn from this" is what she likes to say now! I have made my mistakes ,I'm human but when I did said I wouldn't do it again and didn't but this last thing she decided to advise me on was similiar but not exactly the same thing happened but she isn't SAYING it but doesn't believe me about it! And when I told her she was wrong about it and me, she just kept going on and on about it and I asked her to quit, that I can kick my own butt all by myself. That I already felt bad about the situation and her rubbing it in wasn't helping!BUT she just kept on, so I said what I had to say and decided it was best to not talk to her and had to delete her off my internet page so I don't get her messages! It's too tempting for me to reply and I just don't need her "helpful" advise or hurtful words! I have felt like crap over all this happening! This is my eldest daughter! I've asked her to respect me, even if she didn't like things I DO! I don't go out of my way to say hurtful things to her! But even in common talk, she will begin YELLING..just to say something like she's anticipating a neg. reply before I speak, so I am already on the defense myself and YELL back! It is utterly ridiculous! ANd I have never liked it! But I can't get her to see her part in it! Even her best friend said,I dont argue with her, cause she has always GOT TO BE RIGHT! And her room mate that lives with them asked me a couple of times,"Why do you argue with her, just ignore her, smile and say BLESS YOUR HEART"!(but she either tells her off or kisses her rear end) and my daug. makes extra money off her for staying there? Well back then, I didn't realize the arguing is what she wanted to prove her point as to why she is always right! But if you tell her that, she will say "No she doesn't need to be"! SO, once again, I am having to just stay away from her,& not talk to her! It feels awful! But if I say look Im done, I can't take this anymore, you won't quit, she will say, "why do you treat me so mean"? "I do everything for everyone and this is how I get treated by everybody"! Gee, I don't know..hmmm!So here I am, on the net, looking up this problem to see, if I am wrong! But from what I've read, it is on her! Her own LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and she needs to do this! OMG, this is heart-breaking to me! She had me convinced for so long, that I was just a terrible Mother and making all these mistakes. Not when she was young, she had the utmost RESPECT for me! But as an adult, she has turned against me! And I honetly don't know why! She once said, she just didnt trust ANYONE anymore after her 2nd husband molested her kids!(13 yrs.ago and lots of counciling). That is where she lost trust! I can understand that but why me? I didn't do those things! Sorry this is so long but it DOES help to get it out! Without burdening my friends and family of hearing it ALL AGAIN! AND she doesn't WANT anyone TO THINK ANY OF IT IS HER FAULT! Never, ever,NEVER!!!! SO, I guess I do just have to stay completely away!?? That is so sad!She can seem so very caring and giving but I tell you, it will benefit her in the end! I did the best I could with what I knew raising my children, I have 4. 3 girls and one son! And the others don't treat me like this! And I'm not sure she treats them anywhere near how she does me! I don't hear all their conversations! Other than the other oldest(my 2nd) telling her to stay away since Thanksgivng I think? Or just around Christmas! By the way, she is 42, not a child! Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! Don't know if anyone has any comments or has had this kind of problem but it would be nice to hear whatever will help!? Thanks... CS

"I think under the circumstances she should live with mom. I don't know if mom pursued it though." Nope. Her mom has not pursued it. The court has basically tied her hands by requiring her to have an evaluation done (because she lied to the mediator & coached SD to lie to the mediator, so the mediator declined to make a recommendation) first... at her expense ($6,000) She has already told DH she does not have any money... of course she has since had another baby too. The only way she can go live with her mom at this point is if DH hands over custody. He is not willing to do that.. for a few reasons. (and money is not one of them) 1. When BM left SD, she also left her older DD with grandma. Coincidentally, BM claims older DD came to live with her at the beginning of this school year... the exact same time grandma moved to the town where BM lives. DH & I believe older DD is still living with grandma, but maybe using BM's address for school there so BM can 'prove' her older DD lives with her. If she wanted her kids with her, wouldn't she try to make that happen? If DH were to send SD to live with her mom, there's a very good chance that SD would end up living with others... grandma or BF's mother & not with BM. 2. DH is watching closely what is happening with older DD. She is wearing heavy make up & provacative/tight/trashy clothes at age 14. She looks 19. BM and/or Grandma allow her to use the computer/internet unsupervised... unless one of them is watching her at 1am-2am when she is posting things on FB. and BM's BF has two sons, right around the same ages as BM's daughters... and the older one left what DH considers inappropriate comments on older DD's FB page... and BM commented too, showing she knows about it but instead of having them remove the comments, she added to it... because she is more of a 'friend' to her than a parent. 3. BM has shown absolutely no concern for the things that DH feels are important for SD. SD is being assessed for ADHD, BM is choosing to not be involved at all. SD is failing in most of her classes, BM has chosen not to come to school conferences or meetings. If BM has no concern for what is happening in SD's life right now, why would that change if SD were living over there? As for spending my day with people I resent... DH gets SD up and out of the house while I am getting ready for work. I may say good morning if I see her. She now goes to after care until after I get done at work.. I pick her up at 6pm, her dad gets home around 6:30 or 7. I make dinner, she sits in her room. I play with the baby, she sits in her room. I watch TV, she sits in her room. DH comes home & she calls him into her room... he checks her binder, they talk & he goes to get cleaned up for dinner... she sits in her room. Dinner is served, she sits at the table... usually with her hand on the side of her face so I can't see her and she can't see me. She finishes her dinner & says thank you, and goes back to her bedroom until it's time for her to take her shower & get ready for bed. Nobody 'makes' her stay in her room. She is welcome to come into the living room and join the family... we have told her that many times. She usually declines. But, she has also told her mother that we make her stay in her room, eat her dinner alone, we won't let her play outside or we make her play outside in an electrical storm... whatever she needs to get a reaction from BM. It's a sad existence and life for a little girl... and a far cry from before her mom moved away or when she first lived here full time. She would ask me to take her to her friends house to play, or the park.. or we would go shopping & have lunch. I used to take her to girl scouts, karate, dance & swim lessons... and quite often, BM would get her panties in a twist that I am doing "mom" things and taking karate is only going to confuse her... because BM had taken her to tae kwon do & "it's a completely different form of martial arts that leaves SD confused" and BM insisted SD didn't want to do it, even though SD told us she did.... that is the kind of BS we have had to deal with when we try to do anything with SD. We looked into religious education, hoping she could get something out of it. DH is Catholic, BM is Presbyterian. We want her to learn about the ten commandments & the golden rule... we are not practicing Catholics, but the church has a youth group & we thought it was a good idea. BM found out, called DH yelling at him that SD is not going to be Catholic because she is Presbyterian & religion follows the mother... all the while DH could hear SD in the background listening to her mother yelling at her father. (and I'm not interested in any debate on religion or on who has the right or doesn't have the right to choose the religion...) the point is that BM is not practicing any religion either & SD hasn't been exposed to either religion... in my opinion, it shouldn't matter if they both want to take their child to both churches... let her learn both and make up her own mind what she wants to believe. But, that is the kind of stuff BM says and does to keep us from doing anything with SD. We have had talks with her about the lying... breaking down, crying, heart to heart talks and she knows that it is unacceptable for her to tell lies about us (she has also lied about DH) and yet, she continues to do it. We understand WHY she does it. DH cannot stop her from talking to her mom... and he has tried to tell BM what SD is doing, but she takes a defensive position. (BTW, SD also lies about her mom spending time with her... she lies to make us look bad, and she lies to make her mom look good.) You wouldn't tolerate your DD running around, spreading lies... and your DD would probably not do it because she cares what you think. SD seems to only care what BM thinks, and BM is the one that has taught SD to lie.. she has even lied for SD. I don't necessarily dislike SD, I don't trust her and I dislike the way she treats me with the things she does. I agree it is a horrible way to live.. not pleasant for her, nor for me. I wish it could be different and maybe someday, she will want it to be different. As for her mother, she has used the excuse that she has no money for gas to come see her school play, watch her perform in band, cheer her at her track meets, or even come pick her up on Fridays... but then she went & had another baby that I am sure SD will begin to notice that when the baby needs things, BM finds the money for it. and of course BM has time for the baby... even though she hasn't really had time for SD for 3 years. I guess the saddest part is that BM does not want to have a close relationship or be involved in SD's day to day life, but she also does not want me to either. So, SD is the one that suffers with a miserable life. This is probably an extreme case, but this is what I mean when mom's are so hell bent on being angry at dad's or jealous/insecure of anyone else loving or being involved in their child's life, or just plain territorial... it hurts the kids in one way or another. The stepparent may or may not have a relationship with the child... I am not saying that without the mom's interference, the child would love or have a relationship with the stepparent... but it certainly closes the door to that possibility when the mom causes problems. There's nothing wrong with a mom feeling jealous/insecure or not wanting another woman having a relationship with their child... maybe those are natural, instinctual feelings. But, to act on them to prevent such a relationship from forming because it's YOUR child... is just wrong, in my opinion. and I apologize for the hijack & very long post.

mingirl, I can understand why you put your foot down for that weekend. It was not because of the kids. It was to make a point to your SO's ex that she cannot have it her way all the time. She had it her way for 7 years because your husband did not want to stand up to her or ruffle feathers for the sake of his kids. But i find it two faced because she says it was too early for her kids but your kids had to see your SO? Either way, its her kids, she made the decision, your SO accepted, you had no choice but to accept it. And i totally understand why this would upset you that all the sudden its ok for her kids to not only come over but to sleep over because she is now married. The weekend was special to her and i understand her point for wanting private time with her new husband. BUT she should have arranged for her kids to be with other family members because this situation comes across as hypacritical on her part since she didnt' want them to see you for 7 years but now its ok cause it suits her benefit for her own personal needs. She should have sent them elsewhere. This is not about the kids. Its about the fact that biomom prohibited a relationship with your SO family (you and your kids) for the benefit of her kids. She's allowed to change her mind...but...i think it would have been best to do this gradually between the two family instead of suddenly and frankly she didn't want a relationship with you guys and all the sudden she does this to her benefit. I think you did the right thing for yourself to stand up and put your foot down and say, i dont have my kids this weekend and i do not want any other kids around for this particular weekend. LEts not stray from the thread people. Mingirl wanted this particular weekend to herself. THis means not even her own kids were with her. Andyour SO did do the right thing by rentign a hotel. I also had days when i would just leave all the kids behind and spend a day to myself. We all need those days. It was just unfortunate that it happen to be the same weekend biomom choice for her anniversary weekend getaway. That is all. Let it all ride over and do not feel guilty for having time yourself. Explain it to your SO. I just also find it odd that SO would go over there and his kids didn't even tell them that their mom was married. Its odd but i can believe it can happen. My SKIds also kept a secret from their dad for 4 months as well. Their mom had moved her SO into the house and kept it a secret. My husband picked up his kids everyother weekend and he honestly didn't know until i looked at his kids one day and said your mom has a boyfriend in the house and i know she does. I'm pretty good at reading body language and biomoms phone habits changed...