I got to ask: is there a reason the 21 year old adult can not leave the house and is locked in at 9 pm? Also, whose car is it that can not leave the house at night?

Would there be a reason SS could not just buzz you and ask you to open the door? Was the a reason the SS did not just say 'hey SM I'm going out for a little bit, I'll be back at such and such a time?

Just what can of advise are you asking for here?

I'm a little confused.

This "kid" is 21 and he's sneaking out. At 21, he is an adult, and if he behaves responsibly, works, goes to school or something---then IMO it does not constitute "sneaking out" at 21. I lived with my mom/dad (divorced) during college breaks and summers (until my DD was born) and I came and went as I pleased, I certainly did not have a curfew. Then again--I did not abuse the privilige--I wasn't coming home wasted, or being loud at 2 AM and waking everyone up.

Does this SS have a history of drug use or otherwise irresponsible behavior?

I am just not getting the big deal, aside from the fact that he took the car without permission. Is that the issue?

And just how is your locking the doors per your normal routine causing him to become homeless? Could he not have banged on the door at night? Does he not have a key? And what's the business about changing the locks? Why is that even on the table? (Seems he couldn't get in anyway...) In addition to the very valid issue of not allowing a 21-yo out at night. (Are you not in the U.S.?)

Srsr - Your story is confusing in many ways. More details?

What I'm getting is that the 21yo, knowing his SM usually showers at 9pm and then locks up, sneaked out so she would not be aware he had left the house, so that then he could complain to the rest of his extended family, "Oh look, SM locked me out." Taking his toothbrush and razor indicates to me he planned to be away from home at least one night. As SM pointed out, he has in the past called for his brother to let him in if he has gone out without keys, and there was nothing to stop him doing so this time. He's clearly trying to stir up trouble between his Dad and SM.
What the issue is with the car I can't work out. Teenage car accidents more likely to happen at night and Dad trying to avoid this? Only car in the household and Dad doesn't want SM potentially stranded in the event of an emergency?

When OP writes "Also that if you are going to not follow the rules with your dad being gone. and sneak out and stay out all night..." I don't think it's as simple as SS trying to make 'trouble' between dad and SM.

I found this statement rather strange to feel a need to include in OP "I was in the living room by the front door and got up at 9:00pm, like I always do and go and shower. While I was taking a shower the oldest decided to sneak out"---makes it sound like SM was guarding the front door likes she usually does?

Before SIL ups and sends SS a plane ticket I would think SIL would put in a call to SM and also Dad to find out what's going on.

"My husband is just shocked and livid."

Can you blame him? He's in China on business and his family has gone off the deep end - control issues, manipulation and way too much drama.

"I told my husband I am sorry but he is not riding with me."

Why not?

confusing. 21-year-olds usually can go out and about, it is expected to let people know that you are leaving but they shouldn't be kept locked at the house, and why couldn't he knock on the door to let him in. and if he lives there, why changing locks? need more details.

I dont understand this at all. 21YO has job and college. Shows responsiblity. Why does he have a 9:00 curfew? If SM is supposed to keep 21YO locked up, this is a nightmare. 21YOs dont have to run away from home, if they want to leave, there is nothing that can be done. It would be a shame if 21YO were not able to complete the credits for the school he is attending this semester. I think everyone should try to come up with a compromise, and then 21YO figure out where else to live. If he can afford dorm, fine, if not aunt may be best bet.

Something else I just wondered is why she sent him an email about the car if she knew he was locked out of the house with no keys? How can he take the car if he left his keys in the house, when clearly if he had his keys to take the car, then he wouldn't be locked out of the house, right?

Or would he?.........

Remember she said When I got out of the shower I did not know he was gone and I always lock the dead-bolt.

So, why would she send the email to warn him he better not take the car if she didn't know he had left out of the house and was locked out?

This lady thinks she's slick. She tells story to pull the wool over our eyes so she can get affirmation and absolution from strangers who don't know any better. But I guess we showed her she's not so slick afterall. Her SS is sick of her and so is his family.

There are so many weird things about this story. I personally lock my door when I go in the house, certainly not after I take a shower at 9:00pm!

And why email? Why not call and say.... hey, what's going on?!

And why change the locks? That's pretty dramatic.

If I were her husband I'd be livid.

Sorry,
I can't make any sense of this.
Why would a 21 year old have a curfew? As long as he calls and says "Hey I'm staying over at so & so's house" to let you know he's safe.

I don't get this at all? Why all the drama? If I was dad I'd be livid too.We never locked the kids out when they were out, just in case they changed their mind and decided to come home. Agree, need more details.
-Cat

It kind of hard to write the whole story. Very harsh people on here I see. The car is shared with his brother who is 19 years. The 19 year old goes to College and has a part time job. The 21 year old abuses his brother by bulling him, saying the car situation will be handled between them. He smokes in the car plus pot and his little brother has asked him not to because he does not smoke and has a heart problem.... They both have part time jobs. The oldest one gets paid $10.00 an hour the youngest only minimum age. When one of them gets paid, which is different weeks they are suppose to put gas in the car. So the youngest one has been putting in $100.00 a week and come to find out the oldest one has only been putting in $40.00. The youngest one asked if I could talk to him and HELP.........YES he did sneak out when I was in the shower. AND had is stuff with him....How can you be locked out and take all your stuff with you. Toothbrush, razor all his jeans and T-Shirts...YES and he could have called his little brother to unlock the door. They have done that while the Dad was here. The oldest one has one more class to have a 2 year associates, went from a GPA of 375 to way below 200. He has failed his last class 3 times and skipped school. He wants to stay up until 3:00am and sleep until noon and then only work 25 hours a week. YES HE IS 21...OMG he should be living his dream and all the freedom he should have. But he has not earned a thing.........But when he claimed he is homeless he did not know I lock the dead-bolt every night since my husband is gone. But the youngest does. They do not communicate. While he still lives in our house there are rules. If you can't abide by them.....THEN GET OUT.......I just spoke with my husband. Now after putting all the pieces together...He thinks he is lying...that he is not in Colorado. Because he thnks from his heart his family would have called... But he wants us to lay low and he will find out everything when he gets back. He does not want to alarm his family if he is running around..... He said if the family knew they would have called so we would not worry.....So it is just going to blow up in his face. Gosh dear God I am sorry to even signed up on here. I have never seen such cruel people.....God has answered our prayers.......There are couple of people on here explained for me to the T and showed compassion. Thank you......

Their mother left them 4 years ago and I have been picking up the pieces. I have been there for them from day one. I don't need a pat on the back. I am typing this from experience. My mom left me when I was 2. Of course there is two sides to a story but why would I need to sugar coat this one. It is bad enough as it is.....His dad is so far away and very upset he would do this while he was away.....

We sold our house. Our new house will be ready November 23rd. We are in a small apartment. The TV is by the front door. I can't change the floor plan....I am not guarding anything....I am just watching UFC which I like to watch.......

Well honestly I think you are being harsh and judgemental here not us. You gave an incomplete story that made no sense. Now that you fill in the gaps a little I can surely understand your frustration.

It's really hard to know what you are asking when you don't tell the complete issue.

~Cat

I am talking about the dead-bolt. He unlocked the dead-bolt when he left. I did not send the email until 2 days later. I told him if he did not bring the car back to his little brother I would be changing the locks. So he could not do what he pleases while his dad is gone.......He had his keys and his belonging when he left........

Yes we have to tell the boys to lock the door because they are not use to living in an apartment. They would leave it unlocked......My HUSBAND told me to lock the dead-bolt when I go to bed... When the 21 left while I was in the shower, he had to unlock the dead-bolt when he left and did not lock it back. It was unlocked all night.... His dad asked for common courtesy and to let me know if he was leaving... ...He did not even tell his little brother. I did not know he was gone until the next morning....When the youngest could not get to school because the brother 21 was gone with the vehicle. There are rules for them because they share a vehicle. The oldest one should have a vehicle of his own. But can't seem to be responsible for it......So I tried calling that morning he would not answer. So then I sent the email the next day..........

So this is fight between 21 and 19 as to car, and 21 not locking door? And then it escallates into changing locks? Are the rules unreasonable? Can 21YO not ever use car at night?

Somehow I doubt this kid is a total loser, or why would aunt be sending a plane ticket? Does she know what she is getting into?

Where is the mom?

I suspect a lot of history. I think you and Dad should work to get 21YO to finish this semester, and then see about other arrangements.

I don't think they are cruel, I think they are being realistic. He's much to old to have a curfew and if he doesn't show respect for the family he should be evicted.

I kinda get the curfew. My kids are 19 & 20 and if they are not working, not in school, not DOING something... they have a curfew. Kids have curfews, adults do not. Kids don't work and have responsibility, adults do. That's my philosophy in my house. However, it appears that the SS in OP has a job, is in school, is ACTING like an adult.

If the car is in the parents' name, I kinda get that limitation too. If they have their own car & pay their own insurance, they are also ACTING as adults.

If I went out of state and my husband locked out my child & threatened to change the locks (under the circumstances described by OP herself), I would be LIVID with him, not my child.

Of course he can go out. He does all the time. The point is he did not come home that night or has not been back since last Wednesday. He did bring the car backt until the next day on Thursday evening. But if he can't pay for the gas then he should be smart enough know he can't drive around until it goes out of gase. THEN ask his littler brother for help.... Never said he was a loser. He uses the victim card too much. His mother left him 4 years ago. I have been married for 4 years. I was a single a parent for 18 years and never had this type of problem....You can't force a 21 year old to get his degree, get up, go to school, do your homework, don't stay up too late. etc etc. He is older enough now to make choices. The youngest one does......He claims he is in Colorado and the husband sister sent the ticket. However, no word from any of them...But his dad thinks he is lying. Keep in mind Dad is in China. If he was here I wouldn't even worry about it.......YES I am thrilled that there is piece in our apartment right now....I am just thrilled.....But it saddens me when my wonderful husband is hurt....This happened beyond his control. So the 21 year old wants to act up while his dad is away. HOW CONVENIENT...I asked his family and told my husband that he would not respect me and would be doing something like this. Well GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!When we move into the house that is my request. You want to act like an adult go be an adult.......My husband and I are soo close, best friends etc. There is nothing that will come between us. So I am not worried about that............I guess I see where there is gaps and now I can see where people did not understand. However, I think asking the questions that could put the pieces together is just fine. But when you make this down right rude comments of this and that. I guess it shows something about you..NOT I......

The oldest one is not in school. He did not finish... The arrangement of the car is they both have to work it out. With taking the car it was not worked out for the night and the next day... Your gone from Wed-Friday and it was stated via email if you do not come back to the apartment then the locks will be changed. My husband said he could not come and go. Also my husband knew about the locks. I have not done anything that I have not shared with my husband or his family. I don't sugar coat anything, or I put on an act or nicer around the family then when I am with the kids....They know I am true hearted person......Oh by the way my husband is not livid. He is hurt by the 21 year old....

If a member of my household left, didn't tell me they were leaving, didn't answer their phone the next day, didn't bring the car back for several days, AND left my door unlocked all night so that any old joe could walk in, I'd change the locks too! And that includes DH!

But as for how to deal with the car part of it...
- I'd start having both boys submit their gas receipts to you, and he who does not pay his portion does not share the car with his brother.

- Also, I recall that many of my friends at that age did not have curfews, but the car did have one. So the car had to be home at X o'clock, and if they went back out after bringing the car home, they just had to leave a note along the lines of "Dad - Betty picked me up after I brought the car back. We'll be staying on Archie's living room floor tonight, but I will be home by around lunchtime - Later, Veronica"
Maybe something like that would work for you?

LOL Ceph! Don't you know Archie would LOVE to have Betty and Veronica both sleeping on his floor... somehow I think Betty'd be ok with it, but Veronica, sleeping on the floor!!?

Back to OP:

"He has responsibility at home. Job, college etc....."

"The oldest one is not in school. He did not finish... "

"Your gone from Wed-Friday and it was stated via email if you do not come back to the apartment then the locks will be changed."

"He did bring the car backt until the next day on Thursday evening."

"His mother left him 4 years ago. I have been married for 4 years. "

I'm really confused.

Sorry,
I can't make any sense of this.
Why would a 21 year old have a curfew? As long as he calls and says "Hey I'm staying over at so & so's house" to let you know he's safe.

I don't get this at all? Why all the drama? If I was dad I'd be livid too.We never locked the kids out when they were out, just in case they changed their mind and decided to come home. Agree, need more details.
-Cat

srsr,

You have a right to post here as much as you want and for as long as you want. Don't let anyone run you off if you are looking for help.

Your story is a bit confusing as it involves a 21 year old man. It sounds as though you and your husband have some house rules that 21 year old has violated. I have to agree with some of the others, 21 is too old for a curfew but I can understand that you might not feel comfortable with someone just coming and going without bothering to let you know what's happening.

As for the problem with the 19 year old brother, the car and the gas, it seems to me that 19 is old enough to work something out that's more fair. Or not. They aren't really kids anymore. If the car is yours and you aren't happy with how they are taking care of it, then you are perfectly within your rights to take it back or suspend anybody's driving priveleges. They are old enough to hash it out themselves.

Is there some practical reason the 21 year old can't come and go? The most I've gotten is that he left without saying something to you. Still not clear on the deadbolt piece, why doesn't he have a key to that lock? Seems like not much is really happening for all of the drama. Your husband is probably not thrilled that he has to hear about this stuff on his overseas business trip.

Be more clear, you'll get more help.

I understand perfectly. OP has a lazy, free-loading stepson. She and DH have ample experience with his antics, his manipulations of them and his brother. His seeming lack of concern or respect for anyone else creates a feeling of mistrust. I think the curfew is very understandable and personally would only let him use the car to go to work or school, if I let him use it at all (assuming it is not his). The rules for adult children living under your roof are based on what they earn, how trustworthy they are, how much of a burden or help they are, not how old they are.

I have experience with this. I threw my own daughter out of the house when she was 18. It is a lonng and painful story but the truth in op's words (I parapharse)"you can't make a twenty-something go to school, pay his bills, take his meds, go to counseling, etc. " is undeniable and it is tremendously frustrating and heartbreaking.

As long as you let them live off of you and abuse you they will. Tough love is in order here! and my heart goes out to OP. I am very glad that your hubby has your back. It is the most important thing in these step family relationships, hands down.

Hang in there. If you want to try a different forum, this one is a good one.:
http://stepfamily.ning.com/forum/categories/stepmom-space/listForCategory

1."So I guess he came back late and the dead-bolt was locked. "

2. "When the 21 left while I was in the shower, he had to unlock the dead-bolt when he left and did not lock it back. It was unlocked all night...."

3. "He was locked out"

LOL, so was it locked so he could not get back in or it was unlocked and stayed that way all night? which one is it? this is too funny...How could he be locked up if the door stayed unlocked the whole night? or was it locked? LOL

no wonder there is so much trouble in the family