It is not at all unusual for five and seven year olds to cry a couple of times a day. The children only get to be with their dad EOW - that leaves another weekend plus Thursday and Friday night for you to spend alone with him. That is far more alone time than most biological parents of 5 and 7 year olds have. Even when they are there, I assume they sleep more hours than you do.

I am curious as to why your French is still minimal after living in France for a year. I would think that that would affect your ability to advance in your career, as well as your ability to converse with the children. Perhaps you could find a FSL course during the evenings your husband is away? Or ask him to speak to you only in French one or two days a week?

theotherside,

"It is not at all unusual for five and seven year olds to cry a couple of times a day" Crying is not the same as throwing yourself on the ground, hysterical sreaming fits for 30 minutes.

"The children only get to be with their dad EOW - that leaves another weekend plus Thursday and Friday night for you to spend alone with him." Not Thursday and Friday nights alone because at the very latest we get them Friday afternoon and they go back Monday morning. Plus, more often than not we get them Thursday night as well.

"That is far more alone time than most biological parents of 5 and 7 year olds have." Yes, but biological parents had time alone together at the beginning of their relationship.

"I am curious as to why your French is still minimal after living in France for a year.I would think that that would affect your ability to advance in your career, as well as your ability to converse with the children. Perhaps you could find a FSL course during the evenings your husband is away? Or ask him to speak to you only in French one or two days a week?" I work for an American company, we speak English at work. My French is proficent enough to have standard conversations but not enough to get into deep, nuanced conversations. I have taken lessons in the past, but now my work hours won't accomodate it.

Thanks for your perspective though. I know that sometimes I am overly sensitive about some of these things. It's fine to say "don't be annoyed" but that's impossible. What I need is advice on how to deal with the annoyance and stress that is already there and affecting the realtionships.

TOS why do you think that one year is enough to learn such a difficult language as French (way more complicated grammar than English)? Unless one is a very young child, it takes way more than a year especially with languages like German, French, Russian etc (complex grammar).

Fine,

Because OP is living there, learning language is basically immersion. And we are talking about conversations with 5/7 year olds. Perfect grammer not ussually necessary.

I don't think the grammar is any more complicated than English grammar. The grammar is a bit more logical than ours, and the spelling is WAY more logical - though I have trouble with all those vowels. Immersion is a fantastic way to pick up a language quickly.

Have you practiced using "the look". My grandmother never spoke a word of english but I sure knew when to behave...lol

I have some of the same issues that you have regarding the guilt parenting and the behavior issues. I have learned to back off and just do my own thing when SD is around. The more that I back off the more that SO realizes what SD is doing and how it is affecting those around them. He is now wanting me to be more involved and we have talked a lot about changes that need to be made. But I think that is the beginning. You have to communicate to your husband how you feel and how the way things are going at your house make you feel. It was hard for my SO to admit that things were getting out of hand with the behavior of his daughter but he has started to see things the way they truly are and he realizes that some changes need to be made. I know that I have not handled things perfectly through this all but we are working together and we have both researched books and articles about making our family more effective when we are together. I do not think that my SD and I will ever truly see eye to eye but I just want us to all be able to get along happily when she is at our house. She needs time with her dad and I give her that. My advice is to back off and let him handle the boys when they are over. But keep talking to him about how you feel and maybe he will see the light. Maybe if he has your input in the back of his mind it will start to register with him. I know that for awhile that SO felt I was attacking him and SD out of hatred for her. But I truly want this relationship to work and he has now realized that I am wanting changes because I care for both of them--and we are all making changes not just the two of them.

Kids know how to work their parents and they are going to. I did it after my own parents divorced. But my dad was not a guilt parent and let me stay home with my mom instead of playing the games. I do not know that this was the best way to go about it on his part but I know that I respect my father for being the way that he was more than my mother who constantly played mind games with all of us after the divorce. Good luck. It is definitely not easy and I am not even married yet. But I have lived the life of a stepchild and I know that is not easy either. It is a hard road but something that you are going to have to work at together to make it work.

I don't control my annoyance over poorly behaved kids. And, it is not normal for a 5 and 7 year old to be throwing screaming tantrums at least twice a day. I cant even remember the last time my 5 or 7 year old had a screaming tantrum... maybe in the terrible twos... But, I am the type of person that has absolutely no problem telling someone elses child to settle down and behave. In order for me to keep my sanity the first thing I would work on is stopping the tantrums which is not easy and very stressful. But, all a tantrum is, is a way for a child to get what he or she wants and they know if they do this it will work... stop allowing it to work ... when a tantrum happens pick the child up and put him in his room he can come out when he is done and ready to be a good boy. Even if it happens in the middle of the store leave go home straight to the room... no yelling no negotiations.. very simple after a few times the kids will get the picture... But, dad has to be willing to be the bad guy first. And, also there is no reason why when the kids are there everything has to be soley surrounding them... family time is essential but something that the whole family enjoys not the parents killing themselves to make sure the children are entertained at all times. Kids do need to learn to play and be on their own but in small intervals like letting them ride their bikes while you two sit and relax under a tree... or a picnic with everyone. It doesnt have to be outlandish for everyone to enjoy it. Kids like and want ALOT of attention but it does not have to come at the expense of everyone else. It is a balancing act and one that dad and you may not have down yet... And as far as the guilt parenting thing goes.. no man likes to be told what he is doing is wrong ... try doing things like you planning the weekend for you two and the kids make a point of having simple things planned that includes time for you two and time for everyone... so maybe he can see what it is you are trying to tell him.

I wonder how many languages TOS and kkny speak fluently so they can make a judgement about other people's abilities to learn.... OP is asking for help with her SO's children not a judgement on her foreign language abilities. Must you ladies always critisize everything even when it is not a subject at hand...

Confused-but-hopeful, I wonder if you talked to BM? Do they behave this way with her too or only when they visit their dad and you?

Regardless of my language ability, I would have thought a long time about marrying someone with children and then immediately moving to his country. And I would advise my DD the same. But in any event, that is where OP is, and I do think language classes etc. are good advice. The sooner the better. Otherwise OP will continue to be isolated.

I certainly understand that it is very hard to learn another language well enough to have nuanced conversation. But easy or hard, time-consuming or not, it seems to me that learning French is completely essential for the OP if she intends to marry this man.

We all know how essential communication is to building a relationship. Even the best kids are annoying sometimes. You have to love them to want to live with them and put in all the effort it takes to get along, and I don't see how you can learn to love someone that much with whom you can barely converse -- except maybe a tiny infant or a pet, and that's not the kind of relationship she needs with these kids -- nor can I see how they could feel close with her.

If she can't be part of the family conversation, it's going to be awfully difficult not to feel like an outsider, no matter how much time on the clock she gets with her boyfriend. He will feel torn between two worlds, and she will feel excluded when he talks with them, and they will feel excluded when he talks to her.

Perhaps there is truly no way she can learn more French. But I can't figure out how she will ever feel truly equal in this family without it.

Hi confused.Since no one else mentioned it I guess I will.

Sounds like your BF is a "Disneyland" dad. Meaning,he doesnt really parent the way he should and over compensates by always having to do fun things.

My husband was doing this with one of his daughters and it turned out pretty badly.Then she expected nothing but fun things all the time,expensive gifts,and looked at him as nothing more then daddy worbucks.When he did try to disapline her or show "authority" over anything (she was hitting my daughter who is ALOT younger and smaller then she is) She absolutely didnt listen to him or respect him.

The only way this is going to work is if BF stops the guilt parenting/friend parenting and starts being a real dad.
You shouldnt have to put up with temper tantrums and screaming all day.Your bf shouldnt be ignoring it,but dealing with it and correcting it.
Unfortuantely,I think he is living in a fantasy world.Because what you had in the U.S. away from his kids is never what you're going to have in France with them around all the time.

There is no shame in not liking to be around screaming kids.Children who are parented well do not act like that.

Some kids are more intense than others, and one person's definition of screaming fit can be quite different from another's. One of my kids once had a teacher who complained that she was having "meltdowns" - when I asked for more specifics, it turned out that, no, she wasn't actually crying or making any noise whatsoever - the child put her head on her desk when she got overwhelmed.

You are right about that TOS.I would not consider putting one's head down on a desk as having a meltdown either.I think girls can just be more "sensitive" then boys.

My nephew,used to lay down in stores and refuse to move as people had to walk around him,screamed and cried at every family gathering (every picture of our family at gatherings he was always crying in the back round)
Was it his fault? of course not.It my sister's fault because whenever he cried instead of dealing with it she would bribe him with a toy or candy to get him to stop.
He would not listen to her because of that.

Sometimes she would even look desperately at me and tell me to tell him to stop.
Funny thing is,I never even had to raise my voice at him.He always listened to me because when he was at my house he had the structure she didnt give him at home.

My point to Op is that while her BF thinks he is being the cool,fun dad,he is doing more damage then good in the long run if he looks the other way when temper tantrums happen.
He shouldnt expect her to act all romantic and like nothing happend when seeing someone else's kids act up can be a bit shocking and uncomfortable.

However,because OP doesnt have any kids of her own,her expectations of what a child should be like may be a bit skewed.
Before I had DD I nievely thought kids and babies were like a diaper commercial.Oh,how wrong I was,LOL.

Thanks to everyone and their advice. Mom of 4, I think your ideas and advice were really excellent. Well have to try to put it into practice. When I say temper tantrums I mean refusing to move, screaming (not crying) so loud I can hear it inside when all the windows are closed, and yelling at the top of their voice that Dads hurting them when he tries to get them to sit down or going inside to calm down. I know people always say, "Youll never know until you have kids" but sometimes you just know when behavior is not normal or unacceptable. Plasticgarden, I think youre absolutely right about the "Disneyland Dad" thing. Weve talked about this before and he does acknowledge the he does overcompensate when he does see them. Hes said that he doesnt want to "neglect" them. I tried explaining that theres a long ways between neglect and instilling independence. I think weve figured out whats going on, now we just have to try to figure out how to correct it. But, Im feeling much less crazy than I did a day or so ago. I really want to stress Im not expecting them to act perfect all the time, but I think theres a threshold of acceptable behavior that they havent quite reached (through no fault of the kids). As for the French (which seems to be a main issue now): I can have conversations in French. I can buy bread, and go to the store and the doctorss and have lunch alone with his parents. I just dont feel confident in sitting down with two young boys and having such a delicate discussion. But, maybe Dad can be used for his commendable translation skills here. : )
Anyway. Thanks for all the advice, the confirmation that Im not completely crazy, and the honest opinions that I might have to be a bit more accepting sometimes.

My heart goes out to you. Of course you are not crazy. YOu are in a tough situation. There are other SMs and FSMs here who feel isolated, and all they have is work and childcare, but your situation has to be one of the most extreme. My advice is try to talk to boys in French, even if not good. Also, why dont you and DH start teaching boys english. They will be so ahead of the curve when they take it in school. I had a friend who worked in France for a few years, and his son (about your stepsons ages) learned French. Boy was he ahead when he came back home and went to highs school.

Sometimes I feel like people feel like they have to justify mixed feelings about becoming a stepparent by saying that the children are unruly, or the bioparent is a "Disney" parent or something. But even if the kids behave fine and there's no language barrier or anything else, I don't think it's any disgrace at all, nor does it make someone a child-hater, to decide it's simply not what you want. A man with children and an ex-wife is simply not the same deal as a man without them. Even in the best of circumstances, blending a family is tricky. I give a lot of credit to step-parents for their courage, and I don't fault anyone -- especially not anyone who has read this forum and sees how hard it can be to be involved in even a healthy blended family! -- for deciding that no matter how much she loves the guy, it isn't for her.

Kkny you had half a great idea there! How is that for a good backhanded compliment:D But, I have a small idea.

Little kids can actually be pretty good teachers: It tends to bring out their gentleness.

My advice would be to tell them that your French isn't as good as you would like it to be and would they mind teaching you some.

Then get out some crayons, markers, whatever, draw pictures and then purposely say that the bird is a dog in French or something like that. Then pretend that you are shocked and dismayed that you were wrong, and what is it really? Get your numbers all mixed up, like une, deux, cinq? repeat the same mistake a few times etc. NO? haha. Get them to teach you some of their songs, they could help set the table with your French which would be an array of just impossible items, like elephants, giraffes, etc, which of course you know.

There are lots of things you could do which would be really fun for them and you while they are "helping" you learn French. Soon, when they are laughing with you, and closeness will develop.

Colleen - fun idea! You could also turn it around and teach them some English too. They say oiseau, you say bird. Involve the whole family in the game - instant bonding!