Driven to distraction

19 years ago

That's me at this point with my stepdaughter and her mother and stepdad.

She is 15, has her temporary permit to drive (does not get her license until next April), is a really GOOD kid and I love her like she were my own. The situation is this:

Originally, DH and I were asked to pay for part of her car insurance. Our first question of course was "shouldn't SHE be paying for that? Or at least a portion of that?" Well, they apparently don't think so. We were pretty much crucified behind our backs at their house. The girl told us as much. I don't care what they say about me personally, but I HATE for the kids to hear their mother and stepdad badmouth their father. I HATE it.

Anyway, we just think that the girl needs to have a part time job to contribute a portion of the expense for driving. Something. Anything. Mom and stepdad have bought a new car geared specifically for her (stepdad is currently driving it) and they intend to give it to the girl to drive once she has her license. They intend to pay her insurance. They intend to give her a debit card for gasoline. The last time she was at our house, she called stepdad's car "her" car. I said "no, one must pay for things before you can claim them." Since she hasn't paid a dime towards the purchase, insurance, or maintenance, it isn't hers. Just like she doesn't own our home. You can only claim things you earn, and since she hasn't done a danged thing to earn that car, it isn't hers. She may drive it, but it certainly doesn't belong to her.

So we have heard nothing more about paying for car insurance (good thing since I wasn't budging on that one). I just don't want these kids to grow up with a sense of entitlement like that. I find it strange that their mother wants this too, actually. She's really not a complete idiot and despite how much distaste I have for her, she has managed to raise pretty darn good kids in spite of herself.

I DO suspect, however, that there is a major "keeping up with the Joneses" component to all of this since they have some very good friends who have pretty big $$$ and have done these things for their kids. We just can't afford their lifestyle, and I don't see that as a bad thing. I don't WANT to afford their lifestyle. We do our share in terms of child support, medical bills, after school activities, etc. But there are things that I just feel that the kids need to be responsible for. Driving a car isn't something that is a necessity as far as I can see. I think that you need to contribute and earn that.

It's the divorced kid conundrum, I suppose. If one family won't give it to you, you just ask the other. Grrrr. I really detest that they have that option.

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Comments (5)

weed30 St. Louis
19 years ago
I totally agree about making a child responsible for what they have, and earning it in some way. However:

"She is 15...... is a really GOOD kid and I love her like she were my own."

"....she has managed to raise pretty darn good kids."

My stepdaughter was given a car by her mom, (mom's old car), and her insurance and gas is paid for by her dad. She doesn't contribute a dime, however she is an A student, respectful, and doesn't get in trouble.

From reading this forum and the heartwrenching problems some have with their stepkids, I am lettin' this one go!
Vivian Kaufman
Original Author
19 years ago
I suspect that you're right, weed. See, I just don't want those kinds of things to develop, if you know what I mean. Those kids get a lot of things from mom and stepdad that we could never afford to give them (well, okay, maybe if we didn't have to pay child support...LOL) and I'm not sure that I'd want to GIVE those things to them anyway. I am routinely alarmed by the amount of stuff that appears at their house. I guess we just have different child-rearing philosophies. I don't think that a little struggling of some sort would hurt these kids at all.

Oh well. It does seem silly, comparatively speaking, but they're still my kids and I worry.
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sweeby
19 years ago
My son is that same age Vivian, and the deal I have with him is this:

- We will not buy him a car. Period. (He's had ample opportunity to save up for one and has chosen not to do it.)

- But we will pay for the cost of insuring him to drive our family cars at the "good student & safe driver" rate. If his actions cause him to lose the "good student & safe driver" discounts, then he has to pay the extra premiums if he wants to drive our cars.

Like your situation, I expect my ex will probably fork over a new car -- hopefully NOT his old one, which is a Lexus sports coupe. (Talk about inappropriate and tempting danger for a 16 y.o. boy!) I have no intention of paying part of the insurance for that vehicle -- not my decision?, not my problem! So knowing my ex, DS will not be allowed to drive his car over here (3 blocks away)... Boo. Hoo.
weed30 St. Louis
19 years ago
Vivian, I agree with you, and I didn't mean to minimize your feelings about the situation. It is not silly, and I worry about two of my nieces, who have no concept of earning something. I have no idea how they are going to cope in the real world. It is hard to sit on the sidelines and watch this kind of thing, isn't it?

The thing going on with my SD that I really bristle at are beauty pageants. She has been in several, and did quite well. Now she is doing some modeling. It really bothers me. She is beautiful, but I have a real problem with the emphasis on beauty in our culture, especially with young women. Not to mention the money machine aspect...you would not believe how much it costs to be in one of these pageants!

Frankly, I was also distressed when she became a cheerleader instead of going into a sport. I know people argue that cheerleading *is* a sport, but I don't buy it. It's still a bunch of pretty girls in skimpy outfits on the sidelines, screaming 'yippee for the important boys!' She was in gymnastics, and could have easily been on the team. She is also an excellent swimmer, and would have done very well at that. Oops, sorry for the ramble.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Vivian Kaufman
Original Author
19 years ago
No weed, don't apologize. In the big ol' scheme of things, it's minimal I suppose. We're lucky to have good kids, responsible, respectful, generally good kids. And truthfully about the only contact we have with mom and stepdad is accidental. I mean that, too. They really don't talk to us about ANYTHING...LOL That's okay, I don't have much to say to them anyway.

I guess that it's just going to be. I would've been happy to contribute to some of the expense providing that she was going to also contribute, but I'll be darned if I agree with all of this give, give, give. It's all about the principle, I guess. She could drive either my or my husband's car anytime she wanted since we rarely need 2 anyway. I dunno. I'm not crazy about GIVING a 16 year old kid a brand new car. (Ford Focus is what they bought for her)

I'm not crazy about a LOT of the things that they do, but what I think doesn't matter all that much...:) Of course, they don't really care what my husband thinks either, so...

Driven to distraction

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weed30 St. Louis

Vivian Kaufman
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Driven to distraction

Comments (5)

weed30 St. Louis

Vivian KaufmanOriginal Author

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sweeby

weed30 St. Louis

Vivian KaufmanOriginal Author

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Vivian Kaufman
Original Author

Vivian Kaufman
Original Author