I am glad you recognize that dwelling on things you cannot control is unhealthy. This is what worked for me: Make a conscious decision that you will not think on this any more than is necessary and come up with a phrase you repeat to distract yourself from this kind of thinking. It can be something like, "so what? Move on." Then you start thinking about something else. Training your mind may take you two weeks or more to break this habit.

One way you can help yourself feel better about whether your SD is talking negatively about you at BMÂs house is to not allow SD to talk negatively at your house about BM. Even if her complaints are legitimate, they should be addressed to BF. If you teach SD not to gossip about one parent or household, it is possible she would apply the same principle to the other parent or household.

I hope these suggestions helps you figure out ways to cope effectively in your situation.

Put a rubber band around one wrist.

When you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts, snap the rubber band.

I can so understand your feelings... I have been there and probably to some extent am still there... I don't understand why but I do... I think it stems from me having a controlling personality and this is something that I can't control and it is hard for me so I dwell on it.. my husband says the same thing about not being able to change her and we know the way she is and we just have to deal with it and move on... In a matter of years she will be out of your life for good... so does it really matter in the long run, you are only wasting your time b/c I will bet money that she doesn't give two shoot to the wind about you..so don't worry about her and worry about those people that really matter

StepCrazy  At least you have learned that you are not the only one. I too suffer from this and I think it is fairly common. Being a stepparent is hard for many reasons. I like Quiet_OneÂs advice about repeating a phrase to distract your self. I think I will give this a go.

In my case, bm does bad mouth me to sd and my dh. She often fabricates stuff that I supposedly did  how can I not be bugged about that? I believe that she is mentally and verbally abusive to her daughter and I worry that her live in boy friend is too. How can I not worry about that?

Still  for our sanity and the sanity of out households, we have to let go. I have always appreciated the Serenity Prayer  are you familiar with it?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I may get flamed for this,but I have found it to be very true in my own exprience.
The more you let this woman get away with her "nasty comments",and you say nothing to her in return,you are letting her be the bully.She thinks you dont respect yourself enough to stand up to her,so she doesnt respect you either.You will never have a friendship until you stop taking her crap...
I have been in the situation too many times with someone like this to know what I'm telling you is fact. As soon as you stand up for yourself,and stop making it so known you want her approval,things will change.
She has made it clear she is the Alfa female here.Dont let her keep doing this to you.You deserve better!!!

When you say that deep down, you want to be like her, what about her do you admire? Does she have a great sense of style, is she attractive, and confident? Successful? Can you identify what you admire about her that makes you want to be like her?

Because you have already mentioned that she is nasty to her daughter about you, and who would want to emulate that? This probably comes from her being jealous of you, or at least of your place in her child's life, but perhaps also because you are with her ex husband, who she may not want, but she may not want him with anyone either.

When you obsess over someone, you must train yourself to make a conscious effort every time you think about her, to immediately switch thoughts to something happy.

When I read your post so much of it sounds just like me. As another poster mentioned, I also have a controlling personality and find myself "obsessing" over issues with BM. My DH also has custody of his DD, who lives in our home full-time with EOW/EOH visits with BM. I have been the primary parent in her life for over half of her life now. She has not lived full-time with her BM since she was very young (about 2 or 3) and even then DH did most of the parenting. Even so, BM continually tries to "pretend" she is the primary parent.... tries to override DH's decisions all the time (even though he has full legal custody), is always saying how we do not care about SD's feelings, etc. when we try to work out scheduling issues with BM (usually BECAUSE of something SD would like to do). Anyway, the point is that she is so difficult to communicate with and is so angry and negative about our family. For a very long time after we first got married BM continually made comments to SD about how we (me and my children) were NOT her family, she could NOT call me mom or call my children her "brother" or "sisters", she should not be living with us..... the list goes on and on. There has been so much manipulation of SD by BM, that I just start feeling the way you described, I just cannot believe that a mother could do or say the things BM does. I am a BM myself, and could never do or say those things!

I guess my long post is just trying to say that I have a similar problem. I am still struggling with it myself. I have had some individual counseling in the past when we were going through court for custody issues AGAIN many years ago pertaining to DH and SD, and it helped a lot. I have been considering going again, just for help and someone to help me get through some of the "obsessive" and negative thoughts I tend to have pertaining to BM and how much of my life it takes up.

Maybe you might want to consider some counseling to help you. It truly does help and gives you someone to vent all of your feelings and frustrations to without exhausting your family and friends from hearing it all the time!

Benice...the OP said she wants the SM to like her....not that she wants to BE like her...
And Plastic, she never said the BM said nasty things to her face, but that she was critical about her to the OP's step daughter.
Stepcrazy, know that BM is jealous of you...of your relation ship with HER daughter and of how you have been able to make a happy home with HER husband when she couldn't.
It's OK to want to impress her with your style and your good relationship with your step daughter...but give up wanting her to like you....that will never happen because it appears you are everything she is not. Be content to win her admiration for a job well done. Hold your head high and be a good step mother but don't fret about wanting to be friends with a woman who's daughter you are raising and who's husband is married to you....she won't ever "like" you.
Linda C

Thank you all for your responses. I think my controlling urge does play a huge part in this, I stew and stew because I can't understand her and I can't change her. She also fabricates things, twists things, and has bad mouthed me to my face. But then she's turned around and said I was amazing. I have stood up to her crap before but that somehow turns into me being "abusive" so I'm just trying not to respond.

What I really want to stop is my need to subtly quiz my SD when she comes home; what did they do, what did mom do, did mom say anything about me, etc. I can finesse it so she doesn't really know I'm quizzing, but I know I need to stop. I hate that mom does the same obviously to her, so I can't be a hypocrite.

This sounds horrible, but I know that mom is jealous of me for all the reasons lindac said and more, and I think I like it. I think I try to perpetuate it. Maybe in some way her feeling bad about herself makes up for how bad she makes her daughter feel?

My worry is now that SD is getting older and wiser and will start to figure me out and resent me like she resents her mom. I know this has to end. I think I need positive thought, a serenity prayer, a good counselor and a REALLY big rubber band!

Thanks again, I feel so much better knowing I am not alone!

Can you give an example of her bad mouthing you to your face? Is it just regarding her daughter,or is it anything regarding you?
And when I said stand up to her,I didnt mean it had to be anything negative.Just a simple,"Well,that remark was rude" would suffice.Just to call her on it and make her aware of it. I know it's scary to confront someone when they are hurting your feelings,but often times people arent even aware they are being offensive.If they are aware,then saying this will let her know you dont appreciate it and you know what she is doing.

StepCrazy  like you I know for a fact that BM bad mouthÂs me to her daughter, my husband, and everyone else in her life. And she has said things to my face as well. I donÂt like it one bit and would love to give her a piece of my mind. I donÂt, because when IÂm rational, I know it would not change a thing.

Also, I *never* say anything bad about BM to my SD because I think it is wrong. ThatÂs all there is to it for me  I believe it to be wrong so I just donÂt do it. I believe in time my SD will see the difference and figure out for herself who is the better person. She may have to mature for this to happen (sheÂs only 14)  but I think it will.

I do this too. On one hand, it feels like competition. On the other hand, why would "I" compete with "her"? LOL!! Perhaps my issue lies in the fact that SHE was the first wife. SHE is their mother. I sometimes feels like I'm living in her shadow and I sometimes feel (I think it's more in my head than anything!!) that there may be traces of comparison by my husband and my stepdaughters (both teenage girls live full-time with me and my husband) and it drives me CRAZY!! I'm not their mom, but I assume full-time female head of household responsibilites. I love my stepdaughters and they love me. And yet I feel like I have to prove myself, over and over and over again.

I have an odd question: Everyone who is having these "feelings," do you have your stepchildren full-time or part-time? Do you sincerely care for your stepchildren or do you consider them your "husband's children?" I'm not sure where this is going but it seemed signficant as I was initially typing it!!! LOL! Perhaps there's a link between the "assuming responsibility because you have them full-time" and the "loving them as your own" that is contributing to us feeling this particular way... Thoughts?

I really like Sylvia's suggestion, however, eventually your wrists get all kinds of bumps, bruises and scars. Not a particularly good thing, unless you want to look like a soon-to-be psych patient by the end of the week. Been there done that!!!

From what I've read it's completely natural to sit there and obsess about what she thinks. I do it myself, and Jerri on your line: "In my case, bm does bad mouth me to sd and my dh. She often fabricates stuff that I supposedly did  how can I not be bugged about that? I believe that she is mentally and verbally abusive to her daughter and I worry that her live in boy friend is too. How can I not worry about that?"

Ditto. I know they're abusive to my SD, and I sit and dwell on it ALL weekend when she's there. We literally sleep with our cell phones on the bed just in case she needs us to come get her!

I know this isn't healthy, and I have to say I'm in agreement with everyone about our "controlling" personalities (we're mothers! of course we want to be in control of things!). I think that's WHY we sit and dwell on this. We can't control this other entity, and it's annoying as hell. We work so hard to be there for these children and then BM comes along and with a few words can turn a happy child into a loathing, obnoxious creature towards us. All because she can.

"well what's she doing now?" "what is she saying now?" "why the hell is she looking at MY man that way?" and most importantly "Who the hell does she think she is walking into my home and plopping her ass down on the sofa like she owns the place??!!??"

Could it be that we admire them? Probably not. WE obviously have what they wanted at some point and don't now. Admire a woman who abuses her child and/or lets someone else abuse her child. HELL no! Admire a woman who will use her child as a weapon or a bartering tool? I'd rather slam my boobs in the car door!

I am sorry... I know that this is off topic but I laughed hysterically at the "I'd rather slam my boobs in the car door!"... Thank you I needed a good laugh

You're welcome!

You know, the shadow thing does make some sense. Though I don't feel like that with my husband at all (actually the opposite - her craziness makes me look good!) I do with my SD. The logical part of me know s it should be that way because I am the STEP, but the part of me that takes care of her everyday says I should be number 1 and SD should recognize that I am the one really looking out for her best interests. In the overall picture I know she does, but then her mom will actually call her and she'll be raving about it for hours. Makes me want to scream!!

Lonepiper, to answer your question I am married to the CP and we do have her all but EOW. She is "our" daughter and I treat her just like my own. Maybe that is why it gets to us more - because we don't have to love them like that but we do?

Lonepiper, you may be on to something. I often feel like I need to prove myself to my SD too, and I don't know why as she has told me countless times that I am her "real" mom, her "better" mom, etc. I guess if I am to be honest it's jealousy. I bust my butt doing things for her, coaching sports, leading girl scouts, pres. of her PTA, attending EVERYTHING . . . all the things her mom doesn't do. Her mom sends her an email and tells her she is beautiful* and she gushes that she is the best mom in the whole world. I don't think it's that I want to be "the best" as much as I want SD to see that actions speak louder than words. How can someone be the best when they gush sweet things one minute and then tell you you are a selfish brat because you won't miss your game to watch your baby sister so mom can get a hair cut??
Words are empty, and I guess it just hurts that at the end of the day a couple of honey baby sweeties can go farther than three hours coaching her cheer, cooking her dinner, helping with her homework and tucking her into bed.

*My side rant on the beautiful thing. THIS SO ANNOYS ME. BM is always complementing superficial things. Beautiful hair, cute jeans, etc. How about kind hearted, intelligent or caring? Why put so much emphasis on these things that will create a shallow woman? SD eats them up as she is 12 and that is the thought level she is on right now. Why not put the emphasis on those things that truly mean something and teach her what is really important?? When SD asks me if she is pretty I reply yes you look lovely, but how do you feel on the inside? I feel like I am always steering her away from the superficial but her BM brings her right back around to it. Grrrrrr.

Okay - feel better now. Thanks.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

Words to live by...

You can't change what anyone does. You HAVE to let it go and live your life. I don't like a lot of the things my SD's mom does but you can't fix someone else. and I have spent days on end, stewing (privately in my car while driving) and then I keep telling myself, what good is it? She's off living her life without thinking of the impact it's having on her daughter. So, I focus on what I CAN do, and that is being supportive and doing the day to day tasks needed. It's not unusual for a child to "gush" when a disinterested parent says or does something nice. They might feel starved for attention and make a huge deal out of it when they get any. Let her mom focus on shallow and you focus on inner. She should grow up with a balance and eventually decide what is most important to her. You have no control if she chooses shallow. Let it go and let her be who she is. If you love her like a mother, you love her unconditionally.