That's so nice of you--offering to help out. I don't know if this is the kind of thing you mean, but when my daughter was born, both sets of grandparents were anxious to do their share of babysitting. No one wanted me to pay them, but I had a strict rule--free babysitting was okay if we were going out to dinner or other entertainment, but I absolutely insisted on paying when I was working (not that often, I was substituting then). One situation was a family favor, the other was something I'd have had to pay someone else to do if the GP's weren't around to help. You do want to keep in mind that while it's certainly your place to indulge and spoil your grandchildren, you still shouldn't overrule their parents' wishes regarding routines, rules and discipline. After all, it's the parents' place to decide how they want their child raised and it can be very confusing to a child if there are different rules in different places (or with different people). I know you already know about the most imporant thing--if you love them and want the best for them, that's going to take care of pretty much everything, isn't it. Have fun with that new little one when it gets here.

Jujube, you are absolutely right, you are entitled to your feelings. Criticizing you for them and telling you to feel different is no help at all. If you don't like being a parent to someone else's child, then you don't, and you are entitled to feel that way. It's certainly not for everyone. BUT. The child is also entitled to something. And that is to live with adults who will care for and protect him, and, if they can't quite love him, at least try to like the child the best they can, not see him as nothing more than a "burden." You wrote, "Choices were made either by ourselves or others that put us in this situation and I am aware that no one is completely blameless." If it's true of anyone that "choices were made" (and do note the passive voice) by others that affect them, it's certainly true of the children. They didn't choose to be born, they didn't choose for their parents to split up, they didn't choose for their parents to remarry. The adults in the story are the ones who have to make the adjustments and compromises, not just because they made the choices, but because they are the adults. Fair or not, that's it; children can't be expected to sacrifice their childhoods for a parent's or an unrelated adult's expectations of romance and marriage. And your husband is entitled to something, too. You may not have a mother's duty toward your son, but you have a wife's duty to your husband. His duty to his son is non-negotiable. How do you support him in fulfilling that duty and feeling good about it? I know it isn't easy. But look at it from his point of view. What is it like for him to feel like he is always trading off his wife's and his son's interests in a zero-sum game? You write that you love this "wonderfully amazing man." Try to let that love guide you in this situation and think of what he needs from you; don't make him choose between his son and his wife. Thus, the solution to the dilemma is NOT for the child to go away or be rejected or pushed away by his father. If you don't want to be involved with a man with children, then don't be; there is nothing wrong with that choice even though others choose differently. I won't blame you, the same as while I admire people who adopt children with serious handicaps, I don't blame those who decline to do so. But anyone who makes those difficult choices and accepts those challenges has to step up to the plate and do her best, not focus only or even primarily on her "entitlements." Good luck to you; I know it's really hard.

Finedreams, I agree that at some point, as adults the children do see things for what they are and if they can move on and accept the parents for who they are and that is what I did. I chose to not have a close relationship with my mom because of the behaviors she chose. Regardless of whether she has mental illness or she's just too wrapped up in her own life or pain to see or care how it affects her children, isn't my concern anymore. She's had 25 years to get counseling, or whatever help there might be. Several of us have offered to pay for whatever help she needs. She refused. She therefore chooses to do these things and doesn't care who it hurts. I'm not here to debate why she does what she does. I'm not here to blame her and vent out my anger at her, I'm well past that and have accepted who she is and that she will probably never change. The reason I share these things, is there are some parents out there, that are currently saying to their children, things my mother said to me. There are currently some parents that have the same bitter and angry attitude that my mom has. There are parents that 'justify' the things they do or say to their children, that place the children in the middle or make them choose, that think they are doing what's in their child's best interests. They think the child has a right to hear bad things about the other parent if they are true. And I'm saying that just because a child doesn't stand up and tell you that what you are saying to them or the things you are doing to them or just because they go along with you, it doesn't mean they are not being torn apart inside and hurting from the things being done. They will grow up and in time, they will decide who they are going to have a closer relationship with. They may choose the parent that poison's them against the other parent. They may choose the other parent. It all depends on the child. But, I'm just telling parents that have minor children now, that what you do today, may come back to bite you in the ass in ten or twenty years. Because children should NEVER have to choose. They should never have to decide and if they do choose one over the other, then it is going to be the child that loses. My mom put me in a position to choose and she has never let up. If she had never made me feel I have to choose, I'd probably have a good relationship with both of my parents. Now, I'm the one that doesn't have a good relationship with my mom. My kids don't have a good relationship with their grandmother. Those of you that are putting your kids in the middle or having them choose, it doesn't matter to me if you think they have the right to know the real reason for the divorce, even if it makes their dad look bad because the deserve to know the 'truth'. or if they 'decided on their own' to not see their dad or you want to blame TOW, SM,GF or anyone else. I don't care. You don't have to convince anyone of anything, least of all me. Who care's??? I certainly don't. I feel for the children that go through it because I know how hard it was for me. The end result will reveal the truth anyways. The children that are living in your situation today and will someday grow up and decide if you did the right thing or if they blame you for it, that will be the 'truth'. (and two children from the same situation may draw different conclusions, like I said, it's really up to each child,individually.) This is just a forum of a bunch of strangers. None of us will likely be here (talking on a forum) when your kids are grown and in their 30's. You will have to live with the end result or your actions of what you do today. You can deny or justify all you want now, but you will live with the results for the rest of your life. All I am giving is my perspective as a child of divorce. My mom was bitter and angry about being divorced. She has never gotten over it and while she has tried to poison her children's relationships to our dad, it has backfired and poisoned our relationship with her. That's just my story. I'm not saying all children of divorce feel the same way. Every kid is different. But, don't kid yourself if you think your kid is going to feel what you want them to feel. You can't control that. My story is not unique. I don't know if I'd say it is 'common', but it certainly is not uncommon for the wife to become bitter when the husband divorces her. I don't even think it's uncommon for a wife to become bitter, even when she divorces him. If she thought he would beg her to come back and he doesn't, but moves on and marries someone else, she might resent that too. I'm sure guys get bitter too, I had a lot of first dates with that type. No second dates. But, since this forum is mostly women, I relate it more to women than men.

Also, FWIW, I have ZERO expectation of ever getting anything from any of my step-uncles or step-aunts... wouldn't dream of it. Now that may be because I am an only child and there weren't other kids raised with me in my household, and I agree that if I had half-siblings, it might make a big difference in how I FEEL about it. But even if I felt shafted, I just don't think people generally expect (or should expect) to inherit directly from step-uncles and step-aunts. Or even BLOOD uncles and aunts (whom I don't expect to inherit anything from, either, btw). And as of now, I don't even "expect" to inherit from my own father, since as of the last year and a half, every time he raises the subject of my inheritance, the number goes way down each time. Like he's easing me into the cold hard fact that I will get nothing of what he's promised me for many years. Because this greedy woman he married and her sister and her sister's YORKIE might feel EXCLUDED if they don't get every last drop of everything. Poor THEM, right? (It's a good thing I haven't lived my life counting on it, as my SM has, or I'd be in some crazy-ass debt like she's somehow managed to get herself into ---she works F/T & she's never had to pay bills, how is this even possible?--- and I'd be seriously up a creek without a paddle.) It hurts me deeply, it sucks to high heaven, and it's like being stuck on a train and watching it proceed towards a collision with another, more aggressive train barreling towards me inch by inch, in sloooooow motion, and there's nothing I can do about it. But do I throw a fit or get pouty or remove my father from my life or decide I "can't" be "loving and gracious" towards him? NO! And he's my FATHER! Not my g.d. STEP-UNCLE. Sorry to get hyper-emotional there, and sorry if I'm not crying a river for any step-niece or step-Yorkie who isn't getting what THEY perceive to be so rightfully "their due". I'm sure everyone is very approving of the fact that I am being such a good girl about respecting my father's wishes to do what he wants with his estate and loving him unconditionally ---and there are some who may even suggest that I, his daughter (not his step-niece) wouldn't even have the right to FEEL hurt and upset--- and yay on me for putting up and shutting up so properly. But meanwhile poor ol' OP's DD might FEEL EXCLUDED from her FAMILY by mean old selfish step-uncle because of where he puts his money, and we can't have THAT happen, can we! Sorry to be so testy, but the more I think about this question, the more the whole double-standard thing kinda pisses me right the h3ll off. Okay, calming down now....