I think bm's excuses were bull! And I find it completely ridiculous that bm would wait to the last minute to decide she is not bringing sd the costume! So she would want sd to sit out because she won't get her a$$ in a car and drive the damn thing to you!!

I just don't understand some parents!

When sd grows up I bet bm will be posting on the parents forum about her estrangement from her dd and how she does not understand it!!

I do not blame you for giving bm an earfull! I am getting ready to give my skids bm an earfull about her lack of interest in her kids!

Nope, you were not out of line at all. How awful for you SD to get shafted by her own mother. Kids depend on their parents and when their own parents do not come through, its just really sad!.
Bm had more than enough time to at least drive the costume or call you in advance to say she can't make it but can you please come pick up her costume. At least a few hours in advance...not this lame excuse, sf is tired...well waht about bm???
So i take it, that your sd couldn't perform with no costume???? was there anyway to get another one similar???

Stepmothers all over the world are cheering for you right now.

I think you did the right thing............
I have only vented to BM one time but I have something tosay to that women everyday....

KUDOS to you......

I have done it ... feels good doesn't it ?? but so much more you want to say and start babbling ...

The last time I spoke to BM was Aug. 6th she called here wanting to talk to me I said to oldest SS make sure you heard her correct she wishes to speak to me correct?? he said do you want to talk to her? I guess she answered yes ... I took the phone and walked down the road while the kids were in the house.

I sailed into her about throwing us under the bus with DSS and I was done with her and doing her any more favors ... she then stated well this isn't why I called you ... I said I don't give a flying leap why you called me ... you called me I didn't call you so apparently you need me more than I need you ... and hung up the phone.

She calls hubby complaining about me he tells her ... if you have a problem with her call her, because I don't want to hear it either.

JNM, you can vent but the bad behavior isn't yours. How can a mother blow off her own kid? I keep asking myself that daily. I'd love to call BM and tell her what I think of what she does. The one time I did tell her what I think (to her face), she was the one that started out accusing ME of abusing her kid & I didn't even go all the way with what I wanted to tell her... I only told her that if she thinks her kid is being abused, DO SOMETHING... that a loving parent would not allow their kid to be abused and I reminded her that SHE chose to move away and that I am doing everything that SHE should be doing for her daughter because she won't. Since then, she's acted like I attacked her... surprised she didn't file for a restraining order. She's always the victim. So, I know it would do no good to actually try to make her feel anything about what she's doing. If she cared, her daughter's tears would do the trick, not my yelling at her. (of course, as pseudo says.. it would feel good to get it off MY chest.. but yes, so much to say. I might as well be telling it to a tree or stone wall.)

What a loser! Sure, I can see how BioMom would want DD to take some responsibility for her own costume. So the thing to do is make DD 'suffer the natural consequences' of her actions -- like maybe having to schlep over to BioMom's at an inconvenient time to pick up the costume. (The added inconvenience to StepMom is just a little passive-agressive bonus.) So DD 'learns her lesson' about leaving things behind and gets a lecture from both households. (StepMom's the bad guy - another bonus!)

But BioMom didn't do that. She said "Sure, I'll just bring you the costume when I come to your show." No lesson for DD. In fact, DD is now off the hook entirely and gets the added bonus of Mom's actually coming to see the show. Cool! No punishment -- reward.

Except now BioMom pulls a stinkbomb and "has to go eat" rather than seeing DD's show. So BioMom's desire for someone else to prepare her food outweighs her promise to her DD? And her lack of consideration to let DD know in enough time to remedy the situation teaches who what?

There's a lesson in this all right. You can bet DD learned that BioMom is selfish, inconsiderate and unreliable, and that BioMom places her 'ordinary meal' convenience over her DD's big deal dance routine. Yep, BioMom has shown DD where she ranks in BioMom's priorities with this one...

And that's the lesson DD will remember.
And she will remember it.
And you're right to be Pi$$ed Off!

"So was I way out of line?"

No......not at all. SOOOOOOOOOO many times I've wanted to do that to BM and even my own X. It disgusts me when parents act that way!

"Is it because she knows we will come through and do all we can to make sure SD's (reasonable) need is met?"

Yes....that is EXACTLY what it is. I've been dealing with this with my X and it's REALLY, REALLY hard to let DS suffer for X's decisions. But, financially, I can't make up the difference anymore. My credit is tapped from years of filling in where X is deficient. I just had to tell DS that he can't play basketball this year. I didn't tell him it was because his dad just filed to have his CS DECREASED after not having paid since February. I just told him that we can't afford it. Oh but how I would love to tell DS the truth and then him go back to his dad with it.

Arrgh!

This is BS too!!
How come everyone is dealing with such a heap of BS these days? Is it something in the water?

Nope......it's the economy. Everyone is pressed for money and it's making everyone b*tchy. Oh....and global warming. Can't forget to blame it on that! LOL!

she needs to go eat and he is tired? what a great excuse. she can eat while riding in the car and he can rest sitting at the performance. what a bunch of losers. poor SD.

Thanks guys. I was feeling rather low - like I had sunk to her level - and this really helps. I just can't get over how flip she is about those things important to her daughter. I can't think of one time she has truly put herself out for the sake of her daughter. Hell - half the reason DH has custody is that she didn't want to kick out the boyfriend threatening to kill she and SD. If that doesn't demostrate that she puts her wants before all others I don;t know what does! I just can't for the life of me understand how you wouldn't move heaven and earth to be involved in these special moments with your child. I truly wonder if it's because I coach - because it makes her jealous or angry to watch (though she could have done it just as easily but never volunteered) she doesn't like to come. SO WHAT? If it's about your kid rather than yourself, you get over it. She only comes to those performances that fall on her weekends - never to one on ours. DH is at every one with the boys in tow, and obviously I am as well. Good grief - MY parents have come to more than she has!!

I don't know which part honestly irritates me more - the not coming or the just saying 'tough sh!t' on the costume issue knowing we would come through no matter how difficult it would be. Some day I would like to do the same thing when the tables are reversed . . . but I know we never will. We'll cancel trips, re-schedule plans and drive all over town to make sure SD is cared for . . . just like always. Isn't that what parents do?

So what happened? Did she get the costume?

She did. DH had planned his return so he could be back in time to see the performance, so he detoured and went the other way to pick it up. SD's SF couldn't even be bothered to come to the door - it was just left in a heap on the porch. We made it there just a few minutes late. BM didn't even call that night to see how it went.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we just said no - we can't bail your mom out this time. Would we be the bad guys in SD's eyes, or would mom?

I hate to say this, but you would be the bad guys to SD. Mainly because BM doesn't care. So BM would never give in. And I'd be willing to bet that SD expects BM to be that way. But she doesn't expect it from you and DH. I think it would crush her if you stopped going the extra step for her. Because even though BM sees it as "bailing" her out, you're not really doing it for her; you're doing it for SD. BM is just reaping the benefits of the love you have for your daughter.

Same thing in my situation. BM expects me to do whatever I can for FSD. So she uses me to get what SHE wants. She knows that if I refuse, FSD will see it as an action against her and not BM. So I don't refuse. I just bite it.