I think your complaint is entirely valid. Perhaps you should start hanging out in HIS room and see how he likes it!

Seriously though, you and your husband need to sit down with no distractions and have a strong talk with him. It might be good to ask him WHY he continues to do it. Don't settle for "I don't know." Then outline the rules and stick to them. So far he's getting away with it, so there's no reason for him to stop.

By the way, my parents had a lock on their bedroom door when we were growing up. If they were out, the door was locked. This might be a good idea for you. If you get one, get a real lock with a key, not the kind that you can pop open with a hairpin.

Yes, I think private space should be respected, but I think my husband secretly likes the fact that his son likes to hang out in our room. So, even though he "tells" him not to, my SS can tell that it actually doesn't bother his dad...only me! *Sigh* Well, it's nice to know I'm not just acting like a b***chy stepmother! :)

I would be livid! Oh my God, I'd go nuts! You are definitely not being a bi*chy step-mother. Your husband needs to respect your feelings, even if he does enjoy the fact that his son wants to be in there. You have a right to your own space. I hope he understands that and will support you. Otherwise, I'd get a lock or I would hang out in his room all the time and see how he likes it. You have an open invitation to hang out in there....if he thinks your room is open, then his should be. He's not respecting the boundaries, why should you? Take charge here. If your husband doesn't like it, then tell him to get his as* home from work. If that doesn't work either, walk around naked and leave tampons all over the place, spray perfume on the bed and leave gifts behind in the master bathroom toilet! Be as obnoxious as possible!!! :)
I know this is awful advice, but it's what I'd do!!! :) And sometimes a step-mom has to lay down the law somehow!

I agree with the other posters. My SS used to do this too. I would come home from work and he would be in our bedroom, laying on the bed talking on the phone to his girlfriend. I would just plain out tell him to get out of my room, that he could talk on the phone in the living room. We put a lock on our bedroom door a few years ago because of the skids stealing money and such from our room. It is a shame, but a necessary action. I don't mind if the kids want to come in if we are just lounging and watching TV. Sometimes this means that they have something on their mind but don't know how to bring it up. Of course I don't like it when my 22 yr old SS (who is home for a visit) just wants to come in and stand around with nothing to say. This boy is old enough to understand that stay out means stay out. He is just being purposely defiant, so now it the time to take some action. If his father won't support you in this, then I think you should just buy a lock for the door and put it on yourself. You deserve a place that is just yours. Good Luck

Have you actually done anything to change this behavior, or do you just get mad? If you want to change a child's behavior, you have to set up consequences and then enforce them. Steaming in your car isn't going to cut it - it will just lead to more frustration on your part.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things that your ss values much more than hanging out in your room. Pick one of those and let him know that the next time you catch him in their without your permission, he will be missing that for a week. He most certainly is going to rebel and do it anyway because he isn't used to having such consequences. You will have to have a united front with your husband to enforce the rules, because I bet he will try to test you. It might take a couple of times, but ss will get the hang of it.

The point is not to have him quit annoying you, the point is for him to learn to respect rules and boundaries. You won't do that by stooping to childish retribution and you won't do that by locking your door. You need to explain the rules clearly, explain the consequences clearly and then enforce the consequences reliably. Don't barter or bicker with him like this is an equitable relationship because it isn't. Someone can and should have the upper hand.... and it isn't the 13 yr old.

We kind of had a similar problem with SS, actually, we had lots of problems at first ¡K a teenager use to no siblings and no rule (at least ones that were enforced regularly). We tried the positive reward system, like all the experts recommend. It works for a little while, then he spends a day with his mom and just doesn¡¦t care. Doesn¡¦t care if he gets his reward or not. Then we tried taking stuff away. That didn¡¦t work. His mother is big on throwing other people¡¦s stuff away and/or giving it to her friend (she buys her friend ¡V but that is a whole other subject.) He is used to his stuff being taken/given/thrown away. The only thing that seems to work is extra chores ¡K he hate chores, never really had to do them unit he was eleven and came to live with his father and I. Break the rules, get in trouble at school, be mean to his little siblings, ¡K Extra chores! (I actually kind of like this the best ¡K I have to put up with the extra aggravation ¡K I get extra stuff done for me º (The school calls me step mom, not dad or bio mom ¡V FUN!)

About the Bedroom >>>
What worked for me is ¡K his little siblings (Currently 2,4 and 5) adore him and want to play with all his stuff. I do my best to keep them out of his room. At first he would leave stuff out and the little ones would get into it. Once he learned that if he puts it in room then it would be safer.

Then he decided that our room was o.k. to hang out in ¡K So I told him that if he couldn¡¦t respect my boundaries, my privacy than I would no longer make the effort to keep the little ones out of his room. And believe me, sometime it was a lot of effort.

I did have to spend a week or so, explaining how the little ones going into his room is the same as him going into ours. And getting him to realize the impact it would have on his privacy. He just didn¡¦t get it at first. Then, once he got it, I added ¡K If you continue to do this ¡K You will also get extra chores! I think that he still sneaks in from time to time, raiding any change he can find, but that too is another subject.

Do you think that you SS just doesnt get it, or is it intentional because he likes to annoy you? Is he passive agressive?

I used to think he did it on purpose, but sometimes I think he just really doesn't get it. He is is father's only child and has lived with him since he was 5. I was already dating his father at the time, so I've known him (SS) for many years, but I've only been living with them for two years. Before I moved in, he was always allowed in my husband's room. I don't think it ever occurred to either one of them that there was any problem with it. So, of course, now that its "our" bedroom (instead of only Daddy's bedroom) and I want to change the rules, I come off like a b***chy step-mother. I told my husband about how this bothers me, and he in theory "agrees", but it is obvious that he doesn't really get it. Sometimes I wonder if this is cultural...my husband and SS are Mexican, and in Mexico people are much more "family" oriented and don't put such a strong value on personal space as Americans do. In fact, once my husband commented to me that I had a double standard- why was it OK for our dog to be in the bedroom all the time, but not his son? Obviously, it is not the same, since a dog's presence doesn't effect what you can do or say, and a child's presence does. Also, if he (ss) were like 5 or 6 or maybe even 10, it would be more acceptable, but he's 13, and I just...don't...like it! Well, I can see I have support here, I'll just have to see if I can get some strength up to deal with it at home. I'm horrible at conflict, a real ostrich! :) Thanks all!

Yes, you have a valid complaint. If dh is not supporting you in this, than it may be time to do what I did: call a locksmith and install a deadbolt. Provide a key for dh. Tell him that if he gives the key to ss or does not keep the door locked you'll have the lock changed, but this time no key. Pretty drastic, I know. But at least it will end the conflict and they will know you mean business. #4ss took to stealing from us, quite a lot. I begged for a deadbolt on our house. DH ignored my request for many months. Finally I had it done anyway. I told him if he gave out copies of that key I'd have it changed. He did. I did. he did again. I did again. 2nd time I told him the next time the lock was changed he wouldn't get a key, he'd just have to wait for me to get home. (though I'm not away from the house all that much.) This time he believed me.

I had the same problem with my private study, in which I have my computer. #4 ss was stealing things from there. It is the most secure area in the house, can't be broken into from the outside. I had a deadbolt put on it. I gave dh a key. I put passwords on my computer, after finding porn sites #4ss had visited with my computer. I gave him the passwords. He gave both to #4. Now I have the only access key to the room, different passwords, and no one has either but myself. Too bad, he lost the privilege. His choice!

Of course this is going to make you the BigBadWitch for a while. But people will quit pushing you around once they realize you will stand up for yourself. It doesn't really matter that it does not bother your husband that his son hangs out in your room. If it is a major issue with you, he needs to respect you enough to bend on this. Would you be that considerate of some major annoyance of his were the situations reversed? If you can honestly answer 'yes', than to something to end the stalemate, and don't feel guilty about it.
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IT is for reason like this that many newly weds decide to move and get their own place. It sounds like the master bedroom was kind of SS and Dad's place for many years. When you moved in, now SS has to share more of Dad's attention with you. He is loosing one of his comfortable spots to hang out in. Now dont get me wrong, I think that you have every right to have privacy in your bedroom, SS is just having trouble letting go.

If you had moved into a new home, then the Master Bed room would be Yours and Dads, not SS old hang out. But just like all complicated Step families, you would still have other issues!

Gosh, Jerry, if I ever locked my husband out of his own home, room, whatever, I'd be gone!!! Ha! That is for sure! Yes, Betty, a would love to have a new house, that also has been a big issue for us, but I had to let it go, because there's really no choice. Our (his!) house is beautiful, he had it custom built according to all his tastes, and he loves it! Not to mention, even if we could sell it, the market is so bad we wouldn't get enough for it to buy a house of similar value. I finally gave up on that one, and just started adding plants and pillows and other cozy things, since it was already pretty much furnished (and nicely too, so no excuse to change any of it!). It's been very strange marrying a man who already had his life so set (he's 19 years older than me!), but that was my choice, so now I have to deal!

I have a feeling this isn't going to be a very popular response.

First of all, this is WAY deeper than him being in your bedroom, isn't it? This is territorial. He is doing this to show you that this is HIS house and not yours. (How much longer has he lived there than you?) You are feeding into it and it is working for him, so he is going to keep doing it. Your husband doesn't think it's a big deal and his son knows it. DH is only telling him to get out to make you happy. I imagine that it was fun to hang out in Dad's room before you came along, right? You've essentially taken his place in there (in his mind).

That being said, it is YOUR room. You need to stand your ground and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to get out and stay out of your room. There must be consequences for him being there without permission. Stick to them! Lock the door or whatever, but he needs to learn to respect your privacy and you need to teach him how to do that! Remember this isn't about the bedroom to him, it is his way of winning the war of the territory.

Sitting in the car to cool off? Because he's lying on your bed watching TV? Seems a bit much to me. I know this isn't going to make anyone happy reading this, but I think you are over-reacting. Lighten up. I am sure he is only doing it to bother you, and it's working!! Now, if he starts stealing stuff, that's another story.

I can tell from your post that you don't like him much, do you? (The fact that you refuse to have sex on the bed now because he's been in there is a dead give-away!) Maybe you should get to know him and get to like him.

Well, he's not a mean kid or anything, we just don't have anything in common (other than his father, ha ha!). He's a "cool" kid, popular, into organized sports, brand-name clothing, etc. I'm kind of nerdy, into dogs, walking, reading, learning, decorating the house for Halloween (an embarrassment for him!). I just can't seem to feel much affection for him, which of course makes me feel guilty, because I suppose I SHOULD feel affection for him. As for the whole room thing, I've managed to completely avoid the situation by getting a job teaching in the evenings! I know this is a cop out, but I just don't feel up to battling him on this, and especially bursting his father's bubble-he likes to think we're great pals! So, the denial saga continues (ha ha). Maybe SS'll get bored when he see there's no battle to be won.

Though I see how your SS has an attachment to "Dad's room", I think I would be livid too! The reality is that it's no longer just Dad's room, but yours as well. In our house, we call our bedrooms our "private sanctuary". I also believe that finding a new place together would relieve some of this my house/your house possessiveness, but since that's not possible your husband needs to be more sensitive to your needs. You came into a home already furnished (complete with kids!) and you really do need a place to call your own. You have absolutely every right to demand privacy and considertion without drastic measures like having to lock the door. Shame on your husband for not realizing this. Can you have a talk with him to explain this to him?

Also, do not beat yourself up over not having affection for your SS. How long have you two been together? Realize that stepfamilies take time. It took me almost five years to feel genuine and true affection for my SD. I can tell you that I did NOT like my SD for a long time. In fact, there were times when I'd feel an inward cringe when she came into the room. Now, I see her as MY daughter. You do not have to love -- or even like -- your stepkids. The key is to be respectful to him-- and he needs to be respectful to you as well. And your husband should work with you to meet your needs as well as his son's.

Best of luck. Sounds like you are in the beginning of your step-family journey!

For the first year of my marriage, my stepkids went in and out of our bedroom as if it was their own too. Finally about 1/2 year later, when I was sick as a dog from morning sickness, I couldn't take it anymore. I sat down with both of them (age 5 and 11 at the time) and told them both that this was mine and their father's room and they needed to respect our privacy and not rummage in our things, watch TV in our room, etc without asking. With the five year old it was just a matter of laying the law down. The 11 year old I just related it to how she would feel if I just went in her room whenever I wanted and looked though her things (like her diary). She understood and I didn't have any other problems.