Stepgrandparents - Help!

19 years ago

Can someone help me deal with this problem? My son and his wife divorced, primarily due to another woman situation. They had one little girl (age 6), my granddaughter, who I love dearly. My son married the woman he was seeing. She has two children (age 7 and 12) from a previous marriage. Now, they have a little boy together, who I love dearly as well. I had a hard time accepting this wife, but I have tried. Now I have been told I can't see my new grandson unless I treat her other two children the same as my own. I have never mistreated her children, have given them gifts for Christmas, etc. But I want my little granddaughter and grandson to know that they are special to someone. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Thanks!

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (3)

sweeby
19 years ago
Your perspective makes perfect sense. It is only natural that you love your own grandchildren in a way that is more special and profound.

But consider it from the perspective of your son's wife and her two older daughters. If you show favoritism to the two that are biologically related, it will be very hurtful and detrimental to the two who aren't. You want your son's new marriage to succeed, and doing everything in your power to keep his family life harmonious is a wonderful gift to your son. There is no reason why your two biological grandchildren will feel any less special if you also show love for their siblings.

I am enormously grateful to my wonderful MIL for the way she treats my son from my first marriage. She is as much Grandma to him as to any of her other grandchildren, and that security is precious. If she doesn't actually feel that way, she has never let me or my son see it.
bnicebkind
19 years ago
I bumped up another post titled: Mom-in-law. it is the same situation, from the viewpoint of the daughter-in-law on this issue.

This appears to be hard from both sides. I suppose the end goal is to help your family and these children grow in an environment that they are your family now, and what can you do to make it one big "happy" family, and try to look at it as more children to love, who will in turn love you. Sometimes, these children may surprise you and end up later in life as your biggest fans!

I am saying this...and yet I understand how hard this must be for both of you.
Related Discussions
All of a sudden I feel like a bad mom!!!
Q
Comments (38)
I think you're doing pretty good if you're just now starting to feel like a bad mom, Britta! I've had a great case of mommy-guilt (97% self-inflicted, of course) since I went back to work after kid #1 eight years ago! Can't tell you how many times I went to grocery store at 10:30 pm the night before to pick up cupcakes from the bakery (you know, the WAAAAAAY over done kind with 2 inches of fluff frosting that's been "frosting spray-painted" and then dusted with those sugar sprinkle-things? - no way anyone's even going to think I MADE those things!!!). Of course, I do try to home-bake the necessary stuff as much as I can, but sometimes daughter doesn't give much warning that she needs a snack/whatever to take to school: Apparently teacher appreciation is going on this week at her school. There's a "theme" for each day. "Goodies" was yesterday, all I had to send was stale vanilla wafers! Needless to say, she went sans cookies - I rationalized this by saying that the teachers didn't need a horde of "goodies" anymore than I did! However, today they were supposed to take a "sweet smelling" gift (this crazy present-fest goes on for a WHOLE WEEK!!! Imagine!) and so I made good by getting a nice basket from Bath & Body.... Oh, I could go on, but hey - I'm mostly just happy that everyone is wearing (semi) clean clothes, has brushed hair/teeth, and clean faces/hands. If we can do that everyday, it's been a success! Try to laugh at myself often. (Remember, I'm just double-wide trailer trash, after all!)
...See More
Feelings/attitude toward stepgrandchild
Q
Comments (29)
Hi Nancy, I can't imagine to know what it's like to have a step child or grandchild, but I do know what it feels like as the mother of a child who is not the biological child of my husband and his family. My husband's sister clearly shows her favortism, and has no problem doing it. I get so angry!!!!! Yes, my son does have his moments where he can be obnoxious, trying, although never disrespectful, but he has been through a lot in his short little life because his father and I are not together. He is not spoiled, and is taught to be responsible - a very sensitive little guy. On one occasion after my husband's parents gave him an especially large gift of money (that was exactly the same as given for the other kids), my son and I together wrote them a thank you note for the gift, showing our appreciation for their acceptance of my son just like the other grandchildren. HOWEVER, when my SIL show clear preference for my other childrens' company, and says on the phone "Say hi to the two kids for me" (I have 3 kids!!!!), I feel hurt VERY deeply for the sake of my son, who is an innocent recipient of this treatment. I never tell him things like this, but I know he knows. It's so rude! Just think of how YOU would feel if your biological grandchildren happened to become step children and the family there treated them with less respect than their own. Wouldn't you heart just ache for them? I am an adoptee. Thank goodness that there are people like my parents who pray to God to be so lucky to take on another person's child! It's the same thing. You really have to accept that oldest granchild as your own. You could gain a wonderful companion. :)
...See More
don't want my S/D at my father's funeral
Q
Comments (56)
The problem is always trying to find the answer to who is right and who is wrong. The "right thing to do", if what you are looking to do is improve your relationships is to stop trying to make everything so black and white. Sometimes you are right, sometimes somebody else is right. That is the nature of relationships. Unfortunately, if you can't get past all of the percieved wrongs somebody else has done to you, you will not move on and your relationship will not change. Thurman is on here seeking advice, but everytime he gets advice that he doesn't want to hear, he ignores it. If he would try to get past whatever beef he has with his SD and if he starts to see her as she truly is, he would be much better off, and so would she. It doesn't matter what she does, in Thurman's eyes, it is never right. If she did something nice for Thurman, he would view it as being underhanded and for some alternative purpose. Colleen...I agree with kkny and finedreams that anybody who wants to send a card and to whomever, it's nobody's business exept for the sender and the reciever. So, if you sent a nice card to you SD's inlaws and she blew up at you over that and only that (and nothing else), then you are right and she is wrong. However, what difference does that really make? Why dwell on that? Why not try to move forward and try to make the relationship better instead of focusing on who is right or wrong?
...See More
Stepgrandparents screaming in kids' faces
Q
Comments (7)
The damage may already be done with the children. My children were treated badly by my husband's parents and they were biological grandchildren!! WHY? Were they bad children - No, were they disrespectful-No, were they brats-No, were they protestant - Yes. That was the whole issue. If the other grandchildren were there, they got held, hugged, and played games. This didn't happen with mine. The grandfather was holding one of the other grandchildren on his lap on the couch. My youngest at the time tried to get on his lap and he pushed her away and said, "NO". My children were told they couldn't play with the toys there. The toys were for the other grandchildren. I had enough and told my husband the girls and I were going back home, an 8 hour drive. He could stay with his momma and hang on to her apron strings or come home with us and be a family. He came with us. They apologized several times but things never really changed. The girls did not understand what they had done wrong to make their grandparents not like them. It took a lot of talks to make them understand it was not them but their grandparents that acted wrong. To this day they talk of my parents with love and have happy memories. My youngest has no affection for my husban's parents and will tell you so. The other girl's just don't talk about them. It is sooo hard to take that kind of hurt away, a bandaid won't help. I would have a SERIOUS talk with my husband about the damage being done. I would not take any of the grandchildren over there. If the baby goes and not the other two, the grandparents got what they wanted. I wouldn't let any of them go. I'd get a babysitter and go with the husband to talk to them and just lay it on the line of the things they have said and done. Bottom line = if they want to see any of you they have to come to your home and it will be where they act like adutls and not XXXXX++++@@@@ or they are not welcome. It's very hard to do this but your children's wellbeing is at stake. I wish you the best. Lynn
...See More
sweeby
19 years ago
For what it's worth, my absolute favorite grandparent was the only one with no biological connection to us. He was the kindest, most loving man who treated us like we made him the happiest man on earth. I think I was a teenager when I first realized that some people wouldn't consider him my grandfather. But I sure did -- miss him still. What a loss it would have been to not have him in our lives.

For a slightly different perspective, both of my grandmothers played favorites. I was clearly the favorite of one grandmother, but just as clearly, not the favorite of the other. Knowing that your own grandmother doesn't especially like you is a really nasty feeling that has left deep scars. I'm dreading having to show up for her 100th birthday in the spring...

Stepgrandparents - Help!

Comments (3)

sweeby

bnicebkind

Related Discussions

sweeby

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US