Not to condone your step-daughter's behavior, but...

Most colleges and agencies, when determining financial aid, take the income and assets of BOTH parents into consideration. So what this means is that by refusing to pay what the college considers to be "his share" of the costs, he is not just not-paying for college, but he is also actually PREVENTING her from being able to qualify for other forms of financial aid.

In other words, a kid whose parents are poor or middle class can qualify for all sorts of financial aid.
But a kid whose parents are well-off but WON'T pay for college cannot qualify for financial aid.

I do empathize with how you and your husband must be feeling, but please consider all of the options and all of the potential consequences very carefully before taking any action that could cause her not to to finish college.

What form could get a 10K scholarship? I would like to hear about this?

Was the original child support order at the time of the divorce made in New Jersey?

IF it was, there isnt much you can do other than try to convince the judge. New Jersey has some pretty tough rules on child support.

Its blatantly unfair that you should have to pay for failure, but courts are rairly fair.

To answer your questions:

To Sweeby: she will not have to quit. Her mother has an inheritance that she received that does not count towards her "assets" (only income from it counts)....so I believe that is my SD's intent -- get rid of Dad and his rules and just get Mom to pay. Trust me, she won't quit school (she could always transfer to a cheaper school though).

To KKNY: She qualified for a National Merit Scholarship, but did not return the forms -- even though they tracked her down at her new high school and handed her the papers.

To Kathline: it did NOT say that she didn't have to take out loans (only that there had to be a consensus on how much) and it DID state that both parents should be involved in the selection of college -- her father was left out and not "allowed" to be involved (and remember, her mother moved her 2 hours away, so he really had no contact with her because she never answered his calls or email and refused to return calls).

Are you saying she was a National Merit Scholarship finalist? If so, I thought about 1/2 of the finalists qualify for a one shot $2,500 payment. Others may qualify for school or college based scholarships, although if she went to a highly selective school, that would be unlikely. If she was a semi-finalist, that guarantees nothing in terms of aid. Of course my congrads to any child who is semi-finalist or finalist.

Court is likely to take into account Dad's earning capacity, mom's earnings capacity, etc. If, as I suspect, a few As, Bs,Cs and Ds keep in her good standing, court will consider that. If this is prestigous school, my guess is mom and SD will make case for her staying in there, and any transfer could have repurcussions. Remember Judges are lawyers and tend to beleive in education. And that child was a NMS finalist or semi-finalist may lead Judge to believe she has ability, just needs encouragement.

In any event, I would be careful before spending money on attorneys. Ask what they think your chance of winning are. Listen carefully. Probe.

kkny is correct. Unless your parents happen to work for one of the companies that offers National Merit scholarships, $2500 is about all you can hope for. I filled out the "form" - which I remember taking more time than a college application - about 15 hours - and I became a finalist, and I got not one red cent. The time would have been better spent studying or preparing for a CLEP test or something. I came out of that experience thinking it was a huge waste of time.

If he wanted to be involved in the college selection process, the time to go to court was while she was still in high school. It's too late now to complain about not having contact with his daughter.

TOS, yes, when I said school or college based, I meant work or college based.

If you are correct that her grades are mediocre, that may limit her transfer choices. A judge may take that into account. A judge can only deal with what the child's choices are at this time. A judge may also take into account if parents income are such that subsidzied loans would not be possible. Or would be minimal.

Living two hours away is not an excuse to disengage from your children's lives. If they don't answer your emails, drive there and knock on the door. Or go to court and demand visitations.

My daughter's father lives 10 hour flight from her and yet manages to be involved in her life and was involved in college selection.

If one of the parents make a decision to disengage from children's life while they are still dependant minors, then they should not complain later. 2 hours distance is not a distance at all when it comes to your children.

My daughter's father lives 10 hour flight from her and yet manages to be involved in her life

Sorry I call BS on this one How many soccer games can a father living 10 hour flight away attend during the season? How many school picnics, plays, carnivals, teacher meetings, football games, dances, friends, life lessons, sorrows, disappointments, successes, can a father living 10 hours by flight away seriously be involved in???

IÂm sure you are going to try and justify this statement to the end of time  but get realÂ

He can certainly be involved in reviewing college selections, which was the start of this post. He can have telephone conversations with guidance counselor. He can even use vacation time to go with her on college visits.

He can call and talk to her regularly, he can ask for pictures.

No it is not the same as being there, no one said it was, but for Dad to complain about college choice at this point is going to be difficult.

To Finedreams: I agree with Jeri on this one -- you're a bit delusional about your situation. I don't see how you can be involved in someone's life when you are that far away -- by plane! My SS's biomom lives 2 hours away is it is a challenge, and she definitely misses the day to day things.

As for the feedback around forcing this issue -- that sounds easy, but it is not. And to say that HE made the decision to disengage is untrue and ridiculous. He tried everything he could, but she was a 17 year old girl with a car (who would hide behind her mother so that she wouldn't have to face him. To this day, the mother speaks for the daughter...it is extremely annoying). He couldn't chain her up or physically force her to come visit. The mom already violated the custody order by moving outside of the agreed upon 15 miles, so what would the courts have done? (besides make some attorneys some money) Maybe your kids are still young, but once they think they are adults and their other parent is full of "divorce poison" you no longer can control the situation -- no matter how much you try. Besides, even if he did drive down and knock on the door -- what would he do next? try to talk to a kid who refuses to talk? Seriously, what would the next step be?

As for college -- he did offer to help, but she didn't want his help. Again, what should he have done? She wouldn't even talk to him so he couldn't just book some airline tickets -- but what if he did, should he drag her forcibly to the airport? (child services would love him trying to physically get to attention, wouldn't they?)

All I can say is that Finedreams is either not a stepmother, or has very young stepkids. Good luck when you have bitter teenagers who have been poisoned (and spoiled beyond belief into believing that love=money spent on you)......

Oh, and to KKNY: "he can call and talk to her regularly, he can ask for pictures." He did call regularly.....she never answered (except the ONE time when she was being detained by security for shoplifting -- then she answered and begged him to get her off the hook). To have a dialogue, both parties need to communicate. Ask for pictures? Yeah, maybe if he had any info on what was going on and actually talked to her (and her mother is a pathological liar, so we could never believe her about anything). The only source we had was her brother, who lives with us full-time, but we never wanted to put him in that position (though we would listen if info was volunteered).

And, as a reminder -- in my situation, we have full-time custody of my 16 y/o SS, who is doing very well in school and socially. His father and I are very dedicated to helping him stay on track and not veer off course like his sister did (minimizing biomom's influence is a huge factor in our success). It is working and we are very proud of him. So don't lump us into the category of "disengaged" father/SM.

"If they don't answer your emails, drive there and knock on the door. Or go to court and demand visitations. "

I dont agree with this statement.So someone is going to drive four hours(two to get there,and two back) and run the chance of them not even being home? When most people have to work,and maybe if they are lucky have off two days (but I know my husband works 6 days a week.He certainly wouldnt spend four hours driving on his one day off to be rejected) Life is not a Disney movie,ok.
People have lives.If the child doesnt want the relationship with their parent,there isnt much you can do until they change their mind.
Going to court and forcing the issue doesnt help either.

But wasnt the daughter was living with Dad the summer between the Freshman and Sophomore years? Shouldnt they have talked them? If the daughter was so estranged from Dad, how did she end up living there that summer?

She was estranged pretty much from the divorce, but it got worse when I came into the picture and the daughter actually liked me (Mom got jealous, said things like "you'd rather be with HER than me?!", etc.). So the Mom abruptly moved the daughter 2 hours away (after the daughter had just spent 2 weeks in the hospital for bulemia).....so it was when her father refused to support the move (they had to lie to the new school because they don't allow a transfer in the last year of school for obvious reasons). Anyway, she then refused any contact with her Dad.....then when she went away to college, I guess she started to sort things out a little and she did respond to his contact. Then around March, she required emergency surgery. Well her father immediately booked a flight to get there very early the next morning so he could see her and comfort her prior to going into the OR. Her mother never went down. She was busy with work, plus figured that she had one parent there already. That is the kind of "motherly" thinking that shows me she lacks the maternal instinct -- if one of my dogs had surgery, I would absolutely be by their side!! So, my SD came to our house to recover from the surgery and things got better from there (and her relationship got worse with her mother because she realized that her mother had lied to her about something important. Her mother kept telling her that she may have to transfer to another school because they couldn't afford to pay her last two years after the college fund ran out, but she neglected to tell her that she was sitting on close to a million dollars that she inherited from her mother. So, I suppose SD felt betrayed and was angry and took us up on the offer to stay with us that summer (it was MY idea, not even my husband's!). That was when it all went to hell -- the lying, stealing, drinking (we found large almost empty bottles of hard liquor which tells me that she was probably having parties here while we were away (we didn't leave her alone much, but she managed to plan well I guess).

And, while she was here, we did talk. We all talked constantly about everything (even the college tuition that we expected her to pay). But, we called her on things -- lying, stealing, etc. We didn't buy the fake tears, the empty promises (well, we did, but after so many times of recurring episodes, we knew she was just lying more!). During one time, she was at her mother's and her mother even lied (by omission) to us about her having her boyfriend at her mom's house (the guy she said was the reason she was smoking pot, drinking, etc. etc. and that she broke up with). So, what could we do....she lied, mom lied and covered for her......finally, during that last week, we told her that she had to go back to her mother's house, that she wasn't welcomed in our house because of all these things (we knew that only a week wouldn't hurt her, but that it would send a message that we were serious and that if she wanted to stay with us, she needed to follow our rules). Well she sobbed and didn't want to go, so we relented and said that she could stay with us, but for that next week, no going out after work, she must come home and start getting ready to go back to school. So she did. And on the final night at our house, while she was upstairs in bed, I decided to check her bags just to be sure she didn't take my stuff. Guess what? She did! More stealing and lying......so....to me she is simply a sociopath who has bigger problems than I can help with (by the way, one of my husband's conditions she had to meet to continue to get college money was therapy -- she desparately needs it....well she didn't do it. Instead she drank until she gained about 25 pounds......

Yeah, this sure isn't Disney.....

What do you mean the new school wouldnt allow students in final year? Is this a public school?

No, it's private. But, apparently it is general policy that students are not allowed to transfer in their senior year of high school because it is not good for them from the standpoint of entering a situation where they are a stranger and all the kids already have their cliques. It is also not good to take them from their previous school because they leave behind friends (and, in this case, teaches them that if you don't like something, just run away from it.....)

So her mom said "hey let's move away and have a big fancy house just for us!" Poor child....didn't realize that Mom's boyfriend and his kids were moving in too....so much for just the girls hanging out....

I am still confused. Did mom lie -- or did the school admit her becaue she moved? Maybe Mom's BF is helping pay for the house?

I just have to questin that you may not be getting complete information. That can happen when you hear everything through X. As to her million dollars -- that may be her retirmenet money. Unless I knew everything about Dad, including his retirement beneifts, I couldnt say anything. I know that even with me and my X, where all cards on table, not always easy.

Yes, Mom lied....she told the school that she had to relocate for a job. She was unemployed (fired from her last job) and didn't begin work until December -- so clearly, the move had zero to do with a job. The boyfriend didn't help at all, in fact, she was paying his rent, so she just figured it would be cheaper to have him live with her. He leached off her for a long time -- even after she bought a new house and told him he had to move out. He threatened suicide so she paid 2 mortgages for another 8 months or so until she could get him to leave the house (I couldn't make this stuff up!). For all I know, she offered to pay him rent to get out -- I know she supported him the entire time he lived with her.

Perhaps that money is her retirement money, but her kids knew that she paid a lot for her BF (even lent him $10,000 to start his own company....didn't work out so much, duh!).

You have to realize, this is not just about the money. We can pay towards her college, but we believe that she must also pay -- take a financial stake in her own education. And, make up for the scholarship that she let go. This isn't punitive, as her mother likes to spin it. It is about trying to get this child to understand that money does not grow on trees, and that college is not to show off that you can hang with the "pretty rich kids" (her words), or about drinking whenever and wherever you want (again, she gained a ton of weight last year -- no doubt from drinking so much) but it is about making a future for yourself. It is also about teaching her that you can't give a parent "the finger" with one hand, while holding out the other for tens of thousands of dollars. It is simply not right.....and not the message that we want her younger brother to get!

I just really still question how much you can know about another couples finances. But that is not really relevant. And as to who should pay, you are entiled to your opinin, but my guess is that in the end the courts will decide, and they will look at among other things, how much dad makes, how much he historically makes, how mcuh educatin he has etc.

There is no guarantee that she would have received any particular scholarship had she applied for it. There are thousands of scholarships out there that I am sure she didn't apply for.

She was guaranteed to get the scholarship -- she had almost perfect SAT scores and we were told by my husband's office that she would have won, but they had to take her out of the pool because she didn't return the papers.

Yes, there are thousands out there......and that is our point. She is (was....) academically gifted and could have gotten free money if she tried. But she never cared to because she her mother told her that she wouldn't have to pay a penny towards the $180,000+ that her bachelor's degree would cost.

I can see why you'd be so put out Jersey!
Most merit scholarships are so puny they're hardly worth the paperwork, but that appears not to have been the case here -- more like just another way to 'stick it' to Daddy...

What's your husband's lawyer saying?

He thinks we may have a case, and we want to have a hearing. I just can't believe that if someone heard all the facts of this situation that they could agree that we should pay the rest and she shouldn't pay anything towards her own education. And, I believe that the Divorce Agreement will support our side because it does not say that the parent must pay 100% for the kids' educations. We'll see.....but we will fight it, so we'll see what a judge has to say!

For every dollar in outside scholarship money, colleges cut at least 50 cents, and often the whole dollar, from scholarship (merit or need based) aid that they offer the student, so she would lose much of any other scholarship or grants she may have received from the school.

Jersey -- do you have anything in writing from husbands office? My guess is judges have heard it all, and take everything with a grain of salt? I understand your frustation, but my experience is that there can be more than one side to a story.

Interesting question......I don't have anything in writing, but I bet we could get something in writing. I agree about 2 sides to every story, but.....

We'll see.....I'll let you know how it goes once we get our hearing!

I am not certain what a letter two years late does. Especially from someone who works with DH. I would think that Judge would say he should have dealt with it then. So now, Judge will look at usual standards as to who should pay etc.