"I feel for your SD because it must be crushing to have to relearn all over again that her mom does not care to be involved in her life. It seems that SDs will always give the BM the benefit of the doubt and will forgive and think they might actually come through this time, so it is like a fresh cut each time. SD wants BM to be if not involved at least more interested, and in our case, SD does not know where her rage comes from, but I know it is from not getting the attention from the one person she wants it from the most. I have told DH, I am here - I am the one doing the raising, disciplining, loving (as hard as that can be sometimes), but it does not matter because she needs her mom. Let me clarify, she needs who she wants her mom to be. Her mom talks a good game to SD but getting her to follow through is difficult." EXACTLY!!! Thank you mama22 for sharing. Sylvia~ DH & BM shared 50/50 custody without a court order until SD was in 2nd grade. During that year, BM threatened DH for the umpteenth time that she was going to take SD away & not let him see her because he didn't do what she wanted. I take the blame in sharing my experience in family law... I told him he has RIGHTS but without a court order, she very well could take SD & he had nothing to say he has a right to see her. So, after the third time she threatened him with that, he filed to get his rights on paper. She immediately filed for full custody & child support. (He didn't file anything for child support because if they both have 50/50, they are each supporting her the same... but the issue of support was brought by BM initially) She spent the duration of the battle (about 6 months) telling SD how "daddy is trying to take you away from me" and reassuring her that she won't let that happen. She tried to manipulate the therapist, got SD to tell the therapist that she really wanted to just live with BM... but then SD had no explanation of why. Then three weeks after their trial & DH getting his court order for 50/50, BM moved during DH's week & kinda dropped SD in his lap saying she couldn't take SD with her so she's gonna let him have her "temporarily" and that devastated SD. Within a few months, SD was telling classmates she was moving with BM & saying her goodbyes. BM was telling her how we took her away but that she was going to get her & she was going to go live there with BM. It was all lies. During the first year, BM canceled weekends which only made SD more emotionally upset. We would make plans to do fun stuff to keep her mind off it, but SD would spend the whole time talking about "if my mom was here ______" and though she was in counseling, she refused to open up. Instead, she said what she thought everyone wanted to hear. She got bad about lying to her second counselor, pretending everything in the world was fine... she doesn't NEED counseling. But, all along, BM has been the one keeping it alive. When she would come get SD, she would always (yes, every time) show up hours early & sign her out of school early. SD wasn't doing real well to begin with because of her emotional stuff dealing with BM moving away so suddenly. Finally DH told her she had to let SD finish the day in school because she is falling behind & needs to be there as much as possible. It wasn't convenient for BM to wait around so that's when BM started sending grandma to get her. That was three years ago. DH took BM to court a year later asking that only BM may pick up SD. Grandma was picking her up & taking her to BM (sometimes keeping her instead too) but BM was not giving her much attention, which caused the emotional problems to get worse... so DH figured if he got an order forcing BM to come get her, she would either drive up to get her (showing she cared) or cancel more time, which was kinda what we were hoping. We did not want to ask the court to cut off BM's time because all along, BM has been feeding SD lies that we are just trying to remove her from the picture & that would have seemed true if he tried to cut off BM's time. We've tried involving her in activities so she would rather be here than with BM... none of it has worked. BM has insisted all along, SD will eventually live there. I think SD stopped trying in school because she figured it doesn't matter because she's going to be leaving to go live with mom anyway. As long as BM continues to feed SD lies & false hope with promises, and as long as SD believes (or wants to believe) BM will follow through, it feels as if we are stuck. It seems like SD knows her mom is full of it, but she's not ready to admit it or face it. I think it has been a very slow process but seeing mom have another baby that not only gets to live with her, but since the baby is the string to holding on to the BF, BM appears to dote on him to SD (plus babies need all the attention too). Personally, I think BM schleps him off on others most of the time but doesn't want us to know that so she dotes on him around SD, which only makes things harder for her because she has struggled for years to get mom to pay attention to her & her mom, in trying to show us what a happy family she has with BF & baby, it's probably a knife through SD's heart each time. SD is realizing that BM is probably never going to seek custody of her and have her live there, especially now that they had to move from a fairly huge 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom mobile home. and Friday, SD saw that mom could care less what happens to her as far as school goes. I think SD knows that she won't be living with BM next year & BM says "I don't care if she has to repeat 6th grade again!" I mean, I don't always get along well with her & I do come across as harsh sometimes, but I care what happens to her. I think it's important for her to have an education & the biggest reason I am in favor of holding her back is because DH told her that if things don't improve, and if she keeps getting F's in multiple classes, he would have to hold her back because it indicates she is not ready to do more advanced work. But we don't WANT to see her held back, we want to see her work habits get better because each year, the assignments get harder. The bottom line is DH said it will happen if she continues to lie about finishing or turning in her work. She just admitted that she goes to a morning tutor class where she's supposed to bring questions about math & get an understanding so she can improve, she admitted she goes to the class & just sits there. Well, we all have been getting up an hour early twice a week for her to go so she can get help understanding math but her grade actually went down since she started it. We understand she has problems but she also needs to be at least trying, but she's been giving lip service and holding her back is a last resort. BM didn't want to discuss options to help her... so seeing her mom has an "I don't care" attitude, I'm getting hopeful she is going to come around. I saw something in her face I had never seen before and it just broke my heart. Another reason I think she and I have not been able to get along is that I think she knows that I don't believe or buy into her BS... she knows that I know what her mom is all about. I'm sure she knows much better because she is behind the scenes with her mom & hears her mom lying about stuff she knows about. She's now getting to the age where she's figuring out that mom lies to her the way she lies to everyone else. But, by no means have we been dragging BM into SD's life. Personally I think SD would be better off if BM would either step up or step off.. but this constant roller coaster she keeps her on is so hard on her. I don't know if that dynamic can be changed as long as SD fantasizes about living with her mom & BM keeps the dream alive with empty promises. We cannot financially afford to instigate a court proceeding to limit BM's contact, although it has been suggested that he seek supervised visits because of how BM discusses everything with SD. Me personally, I have been so frustrated I have welcomed the thought of SD going to live with her mom. AT least then she would see that it's not the fantasy that she has drummed up in her head. BM is focused on the new baby & trying to salvage her relationship with BF. I think deep down, SD knows it but still fantasizes that it would be different if she just lived there. The worse part in SD's situation is that it's such a long heartbreaking process to go through... and she may never actually give up on the fantasy. We can only hope.

Could it be that your engagement is recent? Or your wedding is imminent? That can sometimes provoke an emotional action from a normally-sane BioMom. Did you two want a Christmas vacation with SS this year? If not, Dad might just send a letter pointing out that while her legal arguments are incorrect, he'll forego the usual Christmas vacation in the interests of family harmony. But that next year, it will be back to his regularly-scheduled vacation. If you do want a Christmas vacation, I'd try explaining the custody arrangements in a letter, advise her of your dates, (that hopefully don't conflict with hers -- she picked first - why provoke?) then see if she drags you into court. Better her initiating, given her history of over-eager litigation. As Sylvia pointed out, all discussions should be between Dad and BioMom.

One parent cannot MAKE the other parent do anything.... not even take care of their own offspring. It really is sad. My SD9 lives with us and her mom wants to be her best friend but doesn't want her. I can totally relate because my SD's mom also has the "it doesn't work for me" attitude and she takes her kids with her when it's convenient for her or she needs to see them (they listen to HER problems, they give HER moral support, etc.) and when she wants the attention of being a mom, her kids are the props so people see her as a mom. It's never about what the kids want or need. But, that's another issue. In your case, you've been raising her since she was 4 and there's a reason her mom didn't. Her mom doesn't want her now and that's terribly sad for this child/teen, because it's hard enough to be a teenager and what every kid wants is to be loved... unconditionally. It's really unfair to say "now that you're a teenager & acting up, we want to get rid of you.... let your mom deal with you!" when you know her mom doesn't want her. Some of the things you describe are normal teen behavior.. testing the boundaries & ascertaining if they truly are loved unconditionally. Many of us were rebellious teenagers and not all rebellious teens come from a divorced family or step family situation. I believe it can be more complicated with steps involved but it also has to do with how it's perceived and how everyone reacts to it. I'd agree that it's more likely to be taken personally in a step situation where the step parent's children are not yet teens & the step parent has no idea how to deal with teens. In my situation, my kids are grown & I've dealt with three teens and I have concerns about what it will be like with my SD in a few years. Her mom allows her to do all sorts of things that we feel are shaping her to be a nightmare teenager. (ie. lets her dress 'sexy', puts fake tattoos on her belly, teaching her 'sexy' dance moves, puts nasty rap songs on her ipod, lets her watch R rated movies, etc.) and not a day goes by that I don't wish her mom would take more of an interest in raising her and being there for her. At this point, I'd be happy if she'd answer her phone or **gasp** pick up her own phone & call her daughter and if she would stop canceling her weekends... but we can't 'make' her. **sigh** However, it would be the wrong thing to decide to 'throw her back' because she's being difficult. Trust me, I've thought it & I've pondered it on here... 'should I throw in the towel?' but as hard as it is and as frustrating as it can be, giving up on a child is only going to make things worse. I also understand how hard it is when you are raising your kids & you don't want them to pick up on a bad influence but I have three kids and my oldest one did things that I worried would be a bad influence on my two younger ones... but he's my son. It was a good lesson for my two younger ones to learn.. that we don't turn our back on family. Your SD is family.

Vicky, I had to go back to the original post to get a reminder of what advice you are looking for because you seem to have an retort to anything anyone has to say that isn't what you want to hear. "I would like to know from some of you how you handle "EOW mom" when you do more of the parenting than BM does. I also have a hard time with her phone calls that interrupt our family (bonding) time. Also, when BM calls a few days in a row SS starts expecting her phone call around a certain time of the day, and then her phone calls become less regular, setting him up for just another disappointment." How did I handle the EOW mom when I did more of the parenting than her? At first I HELPED my husband out a lot... I did the transport, doctor visits, teacher stuff, homework stuff, and then SD would go visit her mom for a weekend, DH would get a call from mom p!ss!ng & moaning about how SD didn't like this or that, or how I was doing things wrong, or I have no business doing "mom" things. I grew to resent that I am getting up doing everything for a kid whose mother got to sleep in & not work or pay support while I worked two jobs in addition to raising her daughter. She even got confrontational with me during an exchange that I was doing to help out my husband. That was the last exchange as I began to distance myself from interacting with the EOW deadbeat mom. (It really did reduce the stress in my life by removing myself from the mix. If you have any negative feelings toward her ~and it sounds as if you might~ then I highly recommend leaving it to your husband... even if he has to drive more than you'd like him to have to.) He chose to have a child with her. It's HIS responsibility and the fact that you are asking how to deal with HIS ex when it's really HIS problem, implies that you don't exactly like her or get along with her... not that you aren't cordial & kind... but you harbor feelings that she isn't doing her job, you are. That my friend is the beginning of bigger resentment. Trust me on that. As for the phone calls... Well, my SD's mom felt entitled to call whenever she wanted. The problem was that she only wanted to call when we were actually busy doing something... like at an amusement park or on a trip. Otherwise, SD would want to call her but she would never answer her phone. If she did answer it, she would say how she was too busy to talk.. you know, taking her new boyfriend's kids to baseball or taking the dogs to the vet. Then I got to listen to SD cry over it. I got to deal with the disappointment every time she couldn't get through to her mom or her mom would say she'd call back but didn't. Try putting a kid to bed when they are waiting for a call from mom... because mom promised. Of course, my SD didn't like me. Well, I don't know if that's true because she asked if she could call me mom a couple of times and said she loved me at other times, but her actions said differently. To be honest, I have no idea how she felt toward me but I took the brunt of her anger toward her mom. She lied about me. She lied to me. She manipulated every situation. and in the end, I split up the marriage because my husband allowed his ex to involve herself in our marriage by proxy... her daughter. In the beginning, he was wonderfully supportive of me, very appreciative except he never stood up to his ex. She would start something with me and he would tell me how much he appreciated me & all I do for him. Eventually his daughter treated me the same way his ex did, and he would not do anything about it. (I don't know if he could have made her stop but he never made any real attempt... she rolled over him like a mack truck!) But you see, in retrospect it wasn't SD's or BM's fault. It was my DH's fault because HE was the parent. It was HIS job to raise his daughter, not mine. He delegated it over to me and put me in a position to deal with the crap he didn't want to... his ex & his daughter. That's why I am divorcing him. I thought I was doing what a loving wife should do, help him out & take care of his child so he could work & we could "be a family". It didn't work out for me, I hope it works out for you but I wouldn't hold my breath. The bottom line is that you are on TWO forums asking for advice on how to deal with something that isn't your problem. I am sure that many stepparents have a good relationship with their stepchild and even like/get along with the BM. And if that were the case, I don't know why you'd be asking for advice on how to deal with an EOW mom & her annoying phone calls that interrupt your family bonding time. The unfortunate truth is that she is a part of your family whether you like it or not. She can choose to do whatever she wants every other weekend... junk food, inappropriate movies, video's, etc. My SD wore make up & spent days at a river with a boy and no adult. She was allowed to eat whatever & always gained weight there & stayed up as late as she wanted. And then come home to our rules and as she got older, she became more & more rebellious about it. She resented that I was doing what she wanted her mom to do and I didn't allow her the freedom her mom gave her. In my situation, it was a recipe for disaster & had my husband been more supportive, I might have hung in there longer and stayed married... but I guarantee you that I would have been miserable until the day she moved out or decided to like me & be nice. As soon as she turned 13, she upped the ante because she felt she was now a "teenager". By that time, I had taken on the responsibility of raising my infant grandson & it got to the point that I did not want him influenced by her bad behavior. I guess my point is that you have no control over how much peace you will have in your life. You can get along with the mom & child but if either of them decide to make it hard for you, well it's just something you have to deal with when you sign on to be married to someone that has children from a prior relationship. You accept there is an ex that is going to be the other parent to the children & sometimes you luck out with someone that likes and accepts you as the stepparent.. but I think more often than not it doesn't work out that way. Perhaps because women are sometimes possessive of their children or the role of "mother" so when a stepparent is doing everything for the child as a custodial stepmother, she may feel the mother is not doing enough or is a substandard mother because she doesn't have custody or just doesn't agree with how the mother chooses to parent. And it is probably difficult for a lot of mother's to have an EOW stepmother trying to bond & influence their child when they disagree on values or parenting style. But, those are the pitfalls of subsequent marriages (or I should say relationsips that involve someone that already has children) It's a package deal & it isn't always what it appears to be when you sign up (as in the case of someone that has a completely absent parent that reappears after you're married) It's just something you have to deal with or walk away. There is no advice on how to make the EOW mother do anything and it's not your job to deal with her... if it's a problem that you feel you have to figure out how to deal with her, give it back to the person that is obligated to deal with her.. and that's your husband. It's nice that you want to help him out & if you can do so without feeling put out or put upon to deal with this woman... great! I love hearing a happy ending where everyone can get along. Or I could give this advice if you really insist on being the one to deal with her: 1. Drive the child. 2. Keep your mouth shut. 3. Turn a blind eye to what she says or does with her child. Because you are not going to change her. You are not going to change how she parents. You are not going to remove her from the child's life, nor her influence. You are never going to be the real mom. If you're lucky, he will grow up to love & respect you & appreciate all you've done for him but even he has no obligation to do any of that. He didn't ask for a stepmom. He didn't ask for you to be his custodian. and while you are doing his dad a favor, you may be doing him a disservice. Boys learn to be men from their male role model. His father is modeling how to be gone most of the time & leave the bulk of the parenting to the woman. That's just some food for thought, but you & dad should be aware of what message it is sending to this boy on how to be a man someday. (my dad was a workaholic & now my brother is too... it's very powerful how a father doesn't have to actively spend time with a child to teach him behaviors that will follow him throughout his life.