Hi cleopatra401,

Would a hyphenated last name work? My SD has her mother's maiden name and her father's last name. Legally she has a hyphenated last name but for everyday use she just goes by his last name. You could arrange the names in which ever order you like. Just a thought.

Did you change your last name to your husband's? If so, I would think that changing your son's name would make sense. If you didn't, there's nothing wrong with leaving it the way it is. IMO

How does DS feel about it? Has he stated a preference either way? Has he showed any anxiety about changing a name he's had so long? He's old enough to be able to help in this matter. I would check with him and see what he wants.

Didn't you change your name when you married your husband?

My daughter is now 18, her father has never been in her life & she had his last name. When she was in 4th grade, she asked to use my last name. She did for a year but went back to the name she's always had... her bio father's last name. But, as she approached her 18th birthday, she started thinking about changing it again. She waited until she turned 18 because she would not have to notify her bio father that she was changing it like she would before she was an 'adult'. I guess my point is that she knew in the fourth grade (when she was 9) that she didn't want that name. If your son is 11, he's old enough to share how he feels about changing his name. Does he want his name changed or not? If he likes his name and doesn't want to change it, then I'd leave it alone. Keeping his name may have nothing to do with how he feels... but he is old enough to have an opinion. It's up to you to decide if he has the maturity or reasoning behind his decision.

In response: I hyphenated my last name when I got married. A few of my friends have also suggested hyphenating his last name.

We asked my son this question, and he didn't give a very strong answer, so I think he needs to mull it over more. I am concerned that, even though he's 11, he doesn't quite have enough forethought to really understand the long term implications of changing his name.

He has given us a definitive answer that he DOES want hubby to adopt him; but I think the name change didn't even enter his mind.

Won't there be some mass confusion when trying to change his name on school/doctor records etc? What about if I die? Will it be easier for hubby to keep him if his last name is changed? Is it possible my son could suffer an identity crisis or regrets over changing his name down the line? I worry that he'll feel like he betrayed my side of the family by changing his name (even if it's hyphenated).

My daughter is hyphenated when she started school we dropped the hyphen it was too confusing to her. Now as an adult she still doesn't use it ... the only thing that shows her name is hyphenated is her Soc Sec Card. Everything else is hyphen less.

IMO if you don't show the children there is confusion they won't feel any .... if you act like this is normal every day behavior kids do not react to it.

So in your situation ... say ok today's the day you becomes dad's son and take his last name same as I did when I became his wife. No confusion nothing ... do you want him to hyphenate it? I think no hypen is easier myself but its your choice.

My opinion, for whatever it's worth, is that hyphenated names tend to be a bit much unless both names are rather short and sound well together. Then there's the question of which initial do you use as your last name. I dropped one of my given names (that I didn't like anyway), use my maiden name as the middle, then my married name. I don't see that your family has any reason to feel betrayed by this and should be happy your DH cares enough to adopt him. I think people who adopt children usually always give them their last name. It will take a little while to get records changed to his new name just like it does when we marry and change ours but after a short time it's over with. As far as the question about you dying, it wouldn't matter what his name is since your DH adopted him. For all practical purposes it is his child. When my son was small he asked for his name to be changed to my DH's but because his father was in the picture it wasn't possible. I think most children prefer their name to be the same as their parents.

If your DH actually "adopts" your DS, he is DH's legal responsibility forever and ever. The ONLY thing that can change that is if the bio father pays to have a paternity test done and you have agreed to that. If you die, your DS will stay with DH and no one can change that (unless above-mentioned paternity test happens). I've posted before about my niece's bio father. He never wanted to have anything to do with her. My sister left his name of the birth certificate. In Texas, if a man claims to be a child's father, it is so if there is no prior declaration of a father. So my BIL put his name on the birth certificate, the child's name was changed and the deed was done. The only thing that could ever change that is if the bio father decided to man-up (which he won't do) and petition for a paternity test (that he would have to pay for). Even at that, my sister AND BIL would have to agree to it. Unlikely. If my sister and BIL (Heaven forbid) were to split, he would be responsible for CS for both his bio daughter and my other niece.

My niece took my brother's last name when he adopted her; similar situation, my SIL had her before she met my brother, no biodad in the pic, niece had her mom's last name. But, different situation in that niece was much younger (4) and SIL also took brother's last name, no hyphen. In your case, since your son is old enough to be accustomed to the name he has, and since you hyphenated when you married, I think I might hyphenate also. Just for the consistency mom hyphenated when she legally married, son hyphenates when he's legally adopted. But that's nothing more than gut reaction, and totally assuming he doesn't express a different preference once he thinks about it.

As far as I know, there was no particular confusion regarding medical records etc for my niece although again she was younger so no school records to worry about.

At your sons age I would explain the options but and let him decide. He doesn't have to decide by the day of final adoption, he can do it anytime. (different situation but we gave our children, 10 & 13 at the time, the option - they chose to keep their name as it was all they had left of their deceased bio parents.

I can't really speak on adoptions and name changes but I can say that my father was a bit upset that I did not choose to change my name back to my maiden name after I divorced my DS's father. I explained to him that I thought it could be a bit confusing, considering my maiden name and married name differed by only the first letter. I was afraid of the confusion it would cause, having a different name from my children yet at the same time our names were so similar.

Now being remarried, my children's names and my name are completely different by every letter...When I did first marry my DH, I do have to say that my eldest DS said that he felt "out of place" and wanted to have his last name changed to DH's last name. That was a difficult time for him...suddenly he started writing DH's last name on his school papers. Based on this, I would say it is important to get a real answer from your son about what his thoughts are on this. It would be a little confusing changing his last name on school records, doctor's records, etc, but not really much different than a woman having to do the same thing after she marries and her name changes.

As for him feeling later on that he may have betrayed your side of the family, there is always that option of changing it back. The real questions are: How does he feel about it now? How do you feel about it now? And how does DH feel about it now?

I am not a big believer in changing names. I didn't change my name when I got married. If I was making the decision I am always in favor of keeping the birth name unless there is some extreme reason not to (such as if your son had his father's name and his father had become infamous for some reason). That said, that is my personal opinion. And I think personal opinion controls, so I would leave it up to your son. Explain all the options and also that it doesn't mean he loves anyone more or less no matter what he does. If he is really undecided I would leave it unchanged. He can always do it later.

LOL - I know a family with FOUR last names in one household and they all identify as family, so I wouldn't be concerned about him not feeling part of the family.
Other people accept their bizarre name combos, with a little explaining...

(I'll make up the names to respect their privacy)
Walker: The two older sons that belong to Mom - they were born while their dad was alive and have his last name
Black - Mom and the one daughter (full sister to the boys). Mom and Biodad were never married, so she has her maiden name. Biodad died while Mom was pregnant, so he was unable to sign the "yes, this child can have my name" form.
Summers - The Dad only
Ridgeway - The other two daughters, who are Dad's children, have their biomom's last name because it was very important to her to keep her maiden name and for her children to have it, even though she and Dad were married.

I like to tease them that their answering machine should say "Hi, you've reached the Walker-Black-Summers-Ridgeway household. No, we're not a lawfirm, we're a family!"

Most 100% biofamilies I know don't have the strong sense of family that this bunch has, so I don't think a name has anything to do with your identity as a family unless you let it.

I was 11 when my mom- "Miss Smith" - married by step dad - "Mr. Jones" - who adopted me a year later. My mom became "Smith-Jones" for business and just "Jones" personally. My brother and I changed our names to "Jones" and I remained that was until I married. I don't remember any identity issues at all; if anything I think I felt more included, like wow - this guy is so cool he'll even adobt me and let me have his name.

My daughter's father is no longer living. He died before my daughter was two. She has my last name. My Dh is going to adopt my daughter (he is basically the only father she has ever really known) We have all of the papers filled out. Her name will be changed to our name (DH's name). She is very sure and very adamanant about being a S__. We plan to have a celebration when the adoption goes through. I figured you have a celebration for weddings birthdays and anniversaries, why not adoption? I think it is just as an important event. I also figured it would give an exact date to say you are officially S__. Yes, it will be a pain to change her name for school and what not... but to be honest it will be easier to change hers than it was to change mine. It's not like she has bank accounts, credit cards and what not in her former name :-)

He is 11 ask him what he wants to do. I seriously doubt he will have issues about betraying your side of the family. I dont think kids really think like that. And, honestly people change their names every day... I dont forsee any real long term complications. I mean at this stage of the game if it is something he wants he is perfectly capable of correcting mistakes at school or what not.