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ttodd_gw

Birthday Party for 6yr Old - No Gifts?

ttodd
14 years ago

For the 1st time we are having a birthday party for DS's 6th birthday outside of the home and at a venue.

He loves cars so we are having a slot car racing party for him at our local Hobby Shop after hours.

DH & I have never subscribed to the thought that every birthday has to have a big celebration somewhere like many of DS's friends (and that started in preschool!). We celebrate milestone birthdays and quite often w/ a big party at home where the parents can get to meet and know us w/ homemade fun (we hope!).

This is DS's 1st yr. in school (Kindergarten) and it's not a wealthy area like where he went to preschool. This yr. DH and I thought that it would be a good time to institute a 'no gift' party meaning no gifts from friends (we have no idea what each childs economic situation is and it's a big welfare population here).

One of the moms asked me this morning if 'no gifts' really meant 'no gifts' or 'give the gifts seperately'. I told her that the only gifts there would be would be those from his family and that his gift from his friends would be 'The Gift of Fun and Friends' that I think we need to focus on that more instead of the material gifts.

I'm just so tired of the the asking for stuff all of the time from kids and I think that so many parties are just out of hand these days. I don't have the money to keep up w/ that!

I'm also thinking about not handing out a bag of party favors to each kid. I think the fact that they get to race cars for 2hrs is gift enough to them.

Am I going too far?

Comments (50)

  • IdaClaire
    14 years ago

    Going too far? Absolutely not. I think more parents would be wise to adopt your point of view, as birthday parties for children have gotten entirely out of hand for many. I guess the only thing that might be slightly off-putting is the statement to others that there are to be no gifts ... I've always heard that that's a manners no-no, as it makes the presumption that others were intending to "gift" you in the first place. However, I think that's more of a technicality in this situation, as who gets an invitation to a child's birthday party and wouldn't assume that a gift was in order? I realize I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth, but I think I'd go ahead and stress the "no gifts" aspect of the party.

    Or -- here's another thought: If you feel like people just want to bring some sort of gift, what about asking for only a couple of canned goods that you can then donate to a local food bank?

    I would skip the party favors. The last thing most little kids need is a bag of more "stuff" to haul home.

    Sounds like you're planning a fun party that the kids will remember for a long time to come. That's the important thing! Have fun!

  • Sheeisback_GW
    14 years ago

    I think it's a great idea what you're doing. I also would skip the party favors.

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  • PRO
    Lori A. Sawaya
    14 years ago

    Six year-olds can be very honest and frank with their comments. As long as you're prepared and the birthday kid is prepared for potentially honest comments and reviews.

    As a parent I know all too well that you can only prep your kid so much and to a certain extent at that age. No matter how well you think you've covered the 'manners bases' you just never know what situation may arise and how they will comment or react. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it being a birthday party that's structured a little different, but I would be talking to them a lot about how it will be a new situation and what's appropriate to do, say, expect. If some parents don't do that, with six year-olds, who knows what might come out of their mouths - maybe no reaction, maybe no comments, maybe something really honest that comes off kinda rude -- it's hard to guess at that age.

    Not giving them a party favor is iffy, maybe slightly risky. I don't know if I - personally - could go that far with radically changing up the normal birthday gig. Just because I know how much my kids enjoy the birthday favors - no matter how simple, they always enjoyed the favors. Most of the time I end up picking up the stuff and throwing it away in a few days because it normally doesn't last long, but it was appreciated while it lasted. lol! :~D An alternative might be just to give them just a Matchbox/Hot Wheels car since the activity is racing cars.

  • mrsmarv
    14 years ago

    "Am I going too far?"

    Not at all. I think more parents should follow your lead. Kids are kids and they really just want to have fun at a party.

  • deeinohio
    14 years ago

    My DS and DIL did this for my GS's 6th birthday in September. They requested no gifts except for family gifts. Unfortunately, not all parents listen and still bring presents. :( I also think the focus should be on the fun and celebration. And, I'm not of the generation where kids attending parties were rewarded with bags of goodies like they are now, but I would give something, if only a balloon from the decorations. If some of the kids live in poverty, a small favor will be especially appreciated. Maybe some type of school supply, like a pack of rainbow pencils?

  • DLM2000-GW
    14 years ago

    I think you're taking a stand and entering a brave new world - but if there was ever a time to do that, this is it. My hat is off to you. I have no doubt your son has plenty of other sources for toys and you're likely a creative mom who encourages him to find 'fun' things to do in more imaginative ways.

    Most kids (certainly not those in poverty situations) have more toys and things than they know what to do with or need. I would cringe every year with the mountains of things my MIL would give my boys for b'days and Xmas - too, too much and a horrible message.

    deeinohio's idea of the rainbow pencils is excellent or something along those lines. I hated the cra**y junk that turned up in goody bags but giving one item that is actually useful and gender neutral is perfect if you feel comfortable doing that.

  • terezosa / terriks
    14 years ago

    I am going to be the dissenting opinion here. I get where you are coming from, but I think that it is a breach of etiquette to mention gifts at all.

  • CaroleOH
    14 years ago

    I think if you want to say "no gifts" that's ok, although I know at 6 years old, they are still young enough to be disappointed to not have gifts to open. I think 8 or 9 is old enough to explain the no need to get gifts thing.

    Having had 3 kids and gone through many years of throwing parties, I think you have to accept that the fun in a party is the gift or goody bags. If you just want to have some kids come over and race cars for two hours - then have a fun day at the hobby lobby - no mention of a birthday, because it's really not a party for the attendees centered around a birthday if there's no gifts, or games, or goodie bags.

    Especially if this is an under privileged area, to many of those kids attending the party, cake, goody bags etc. is what is fun about going to them - especially at 6 years old.

    Kids grow up so fast these days, let them have some fun at their birthdays while their so young. I agree that birthdays don't need to be a blow out affair, but while they're so young (under 8) I always did a fun party for them with their friends.

    My youngest is now 11, and we don't even do a kid party anymore. He has 1 or 2 kids come spend the night and we do pizza and maybe go play games at the arcade, but when he was younger, parties were so fun for him.

  • polly929
    14 years ago

    You have to do what works best for you. I am always tempted to say No gifts, since both of my daughters' birthdays are in Nov. and Dec. and we just get inundated with stuff this time of year. At the same time, I don't think my almost 6 year old would understand the whole no gift thing, no matter what I was trying to teach her. At that age she just wants to have fun and open her presents. As for party favors, I totally agree, I can't stand the little chatchke's (sp.?) but the kids love them. Last year I gave out princess cookies wrapped in a cellophane bag with a bow. I'm doing the same thing this year, a simple cookie wrapped in cellophane with a bow.

  • mitchdesj
    14 years ago

    The venue is very special, the guests are being treated to a fun activity.
    I think your idea of no gifts is great, you might start a trend.

    Mentioning "no gifts" for me is not a social faux pas in this instance, since it's so unique and needs to be emphasized in order for it to work.

    Personally, I would still give out a small token for the little guests to bring home, or for your son to hand out, as a thank you for their presence, since they are so young and get a kick out of that.

  • folkvictorian
    14 years ago

    I think the "no gifts" idea is great and there might be a few of your son's friends that wouldn't have be able to attend if they had to bring along a gift. This way their attendance doesn't depend on whether or not their folks can afford a present and everyone will have a great time!

  • Sueb20
    14 years ago

    I agree that it can be a tricky proposition to skip the goodie bags for this age group. I don't know how it is where you live, but EVERY party my kids have been to, when they were under, say, age 10, had goodie bags. I'm not saying goodie bags are right or wrong, but the kids expect them and as someone else said, 6 year olds are likely to actually ask for them or outwardly express disappointment. I think maybe a Matchbox or Hot Wheels car -- are they still around $1 each? -- would be great! Skip the candy and other junk. My DD went to a party once where the "goodie bag" was a coloring book from the dollar store. She was thrilled.

  • Sheeisback_GW
    14 years ago

    Might be a regional thing. Growing up I don't think I was ever at a birthday party where we got favors for attending. I could see where it might be more touchy for 6 year olds if that's the norm where you live but I still wouldn't feel obligated to do so.

    I think the baked good idea sounds nice. At least it's not plastic stuff.

  • hhireno
    14 years ago

    I don't know if you could make this work but here's a combination of ideas that I've done for party favors. For my husband's 50th I arranged a golf outing. I had his picture taken with each foursome. While they golfed, I went to a camera place and had the pics printed. By the time they were finished golfing each golfer rcvd a gift bag with his foursome's pic in a plain black card (the kind you stick your own picture in the front) and this little ceramic golf ball thing that had a clip to to hold up the pic. It's still on my husband's desk 3 yrs later.

    For another party, I bought fridge magnet frames for $1 at Michaels. I printed the invite and stuck it in the frame but then they had the frame for use later. The party was a photo safari and the idea was they would take a pic to put in the frame.

    Could you take a pic of each kid with the bday boy at the special venue and give it to them in a fridge frame or one of the cards that hold pics? I don't know anything about 6 yr olds but wouldn't they like a picture of themselves doing something fun & different?

  • IdaClaire
    14 years ago

    Does it mean I'm just a crotchety old bat that I bristle slightly when I hear about kids "expecting" goodie bags? For crying out loud, they're already being treated to a party where they'll get to race cars for two hours, and I would imagine Tiffani will provide some sort of refreshments (cake, cupcakes - whatever). They're being given a good time -- is it unreasonable to expect them to be happy with walking away from that without some little "thing" in their hands? Maybe if kids really have become that expectant (or is it presumptuous?), they need to be taught what it means to be grateful for having been given an experience instead of more "stuff".

    Just my $.02. (I'm feeling a bit grouchy today, so take my thoughts in that light, please. ;-))

  • hhireno
    14 years ago

    The funny thing is, my first thought was good for her and skipping the goodie bags. Kids don't need more cheap junk and they should just be happy they have a party to attend.

    Full disclaimer: I am not a parent so I don't really know what kids want-like-deserve-feel entitled to receive. And just like any group of people - some are greedy and some aren't. Some appreciate things, some don't.

    But then I thought, who am I to comment on party bags when I love to give a party favor to adults! But it's not Hong Kong junk. It's the stuff I mentioned above or a cruet filled with homemade salad dressing or all sorts of little things that I don't consider to be junk. But maybe the guests do and they threw it out after it was sitting on their kitchen counter for a few days. Just like the HKJ in the kids bags (but their stuff was probably sitting on the floor of the minivan until Mom throws it out).

    So what does it all mean? I dunno. I enjoy creating favors for parties so I do it. Should children (& adults) be grateful & appreciative of experiences? Yes. Are they? I dunno. I am but I can't speak for others.

  • CaroleOH
    14 years ago

    AuntJen you're not necessarily being crotchety, but remember these are 6 year old kids. Have you been around a 6 year old lately? They still just little kids, who get excited over the stupidest stuff. They don't need a $10 gift bag of candy and toys to be happy, just about anything will do.

    Anyone who's seen the joy or excitement on a kid's face when they get their little bag of surprises would get just as much pleasure out of giving it as the kid receiving it.

    Obviously, ttodd knows her child and their friends best, but there's plenty of years ahead to teach a child how to be selfless - believe me these few years that they actually want to have a kid party and goody bags you'll look back on fondly.

  • IdaClaire
    14 years ago

    Oh, yes indeed Carole. My niece is 7 and my nephew is 4, so I definitely know that excitement over "little things" of which you speak. You truly have a good point - it costs very little to give a child some small trinket that makes him/her smile. Goodness knows, I am the indulgent "Aunt Jen" who almost always has a little something to give the two children in my life. (In fact, 4-year old Caleb recently told me, "Aunt Jen, you know you don't have to give me presents everytime you see me." Well - good to know I have his permission to slack off, eh? ;-))

    I guess my thoughts were more along the lines of a child acting bratty if a goodie bag was not forthcoming after an event such as Tiffani has planned. I can certainly understand wanting to delight a child with a small token. But I can equally understand allowing the experience to be the entire thing, and I think that should be sufficient.

    The bottom line is that everyone should do what pleases them, and according to their abilities. If they don't want to give goodie bags, I certainly don't think it's a requirement. If a child receives one, that's nice for the kiddo. But I just don't think a child should necessarily expect one, ya know?

  • 2ajsmama
    14 years ago

    I think the no gifts is great, no goody bags required since they *are* racing cars and I'm assuming eating cake. If you think the kids would really appreciate it (disadvantaged area) then a small non-junk $1 "thank you" gift like a Hot Wheels or a book might be good. The kids all want the balloons if you have them for decoration, that's OK too as long as you have enough.

    We don't do big birthday parties - had a couple when DS was preschool/kindergarten (incl when I was 9 months pg with DD!). Last year we did a swim party at the Y for both my kids, that was DD's first (her 5th). It's tough with birthdays around the holidays anyway. We're lucky if we can get a few cousins together (I used to bring a birthday cake to Tgiving dinner, guess we'll have to do that next year again when DD's bday is *on* Turkey Day!). Most of the time we just ask DS if he wants to invite a friend or 2 to the movies or maybe a few more to go bowling. He's fine with that. Now DD has been to a few "princess parties" in the past 2 years, we'll probably have to figure one out for next year but I expect if she's like DS it will be a short-lived thing and she'll start to prefer just going to the movies with her BFF (since we don't go to the movies often either).

  • ttodd
    Original Author
    14 years ago

    We're going to have the grandparents over to our home for about an hour before going over to race cars w/ his friends. That's when he'll get to open his gifts from his grandparents. He already opened ours (a pair of jammies from his siblings and dinosaur from us) on his actual birthday.

    We'll have the cupcakes, pizza, chips and balloons at the race car track. That's when we'll give him his gift cert. to buy his 1st slot car that way all of his friends can help him pick one out.

    I like the idea of sending each kid home w/ a balloon and I like the cookie idea. Another good thing about the cookie idea is that DS1 can help make and decorate them to GIVE to his friends. Maybe I can find a race car cookie cutter.

    Great ideas - thanks!

    Oh and we do plan on sitting him down to explain that his gifts from his friends are the gift of fun and friendship and to have a great time playing. I think he'll be good w/ it - he's more into playing then getting in the end.

  • ttodd
    Original Author
    14 years ago

    Oh - and I think that a picture would be really nice to give to each of the kids too.

  • PRO
    Lori A. Sawaya
    14 years ago

    At six, I'm not sure the consciousness is there to be bratty. I loved that age!!! So sweet and so fun -- I'd go back there in a heart beat! What they think, say and do just comes from such an honest and real place.

    So I don't think it would be coming from a place of expectation, rather a place of routine. By six they probably have a few birthdays under their belt and they know the routine. Changing that could be creating a situation for them that hasn't been rehearsed yet. Again, at that age everything including birthday parties and all social events are opportunities to parent.

    At six, their little lives are still very structured with bedtimes, and meal times, and it's the schedules and expectedness of 'what's next' that as a parent I was very careful to reinforce just because it made life easier for everyone.

    Changing the exclamation point at the end of a birthday party could very well catch some of them off guard -- even the balloon and cookie idea. Going away with *something* might not fly with a very abstract thinking six year old. Might be the yummiest cookie and prettiest color balloon in the world but in their little head they might be wondering where the heck is the routine and requisite goodie bag -- the goodie bag that up to this point they've been shown is the exclamation point at the end of a party. So that's why I don't see it coming from a bratty place, just a place of they've been shown a certain way, already practiced a certain agenda of how the birthday party gig is suppose to go.

  • hhireno
    14 years ago

    I gotta tell you...this is why I enjoy this place so much. The ideas, the sharing, the different world views and experiences.

    Thank you Funcolors! You painted a very clear picture for me about a 6 year old & their expectations. You're so right. They have such a limited life experience and only know, and expect, what they've enjoyed in the past. Not being around kids routinely, I forget that they can be so simple (in a good way) and direct. It's not about greed, it's about a little bling for the 6 yr old set.

  • 2ajsmama
    14 years ago

    Put the cookie in a plastic "Cars" goody bag and tie the balloon to it! Honestly, that's two "goodies" - one in the bag. I don't think there's any expectation of how many "things" need to be in the bag.

    DD is celebrating her Bday this year in WDW with 2 of her cousins she gets to see every year or two. I'm trying to figure out what to do for a "cake" since we will be in the park all day (free admission for DD), just head out for dinner and then back for parade and fireworks if the little kids are up to it. I was thinking of making a pan of brownies (DN has milk allergy) and just sticking a plastic princess (I have a collection) on top. But I don't plan on making/bringing goody bags for niece and nephew. I *did* ask my mom to remind them to bring card(s) for DD and maybe DS (his bday is 5 days before), since DD gets so excited about cards and always makes (or embellishes) cards to mail to her cousins. I will have to remember to pack the card I bought for her (and will have to buy one for DS). We're not giving gifts - going to WDW is a big enough gift! Of course my mom will probably buy the kids something down there, she always goes overboard, but I told her *she'd* have to bring it/them back since we are flying!

  • deniseandspike
    14 years ago

    You know, I think the kids would be a lot more uncaring about walking away without a goodie bag than the parents. Before we adopted our son, I told a co-worker that I don't believe in having those big birthday parties where the whole class is invited. I much prefer family only parties and bringing a goodie for the kids to eat at day care/school. She actually told me I'd be a terrible mother!

    We've had 2 family birthday parties so far and only his little cousins have been there. They seemed quite pleased to walk away with candy collected from the pinata and to play with his toys for however long he was there. I haven't done any goodie bags.

    I know it's probably mean (and maybe she was right about me being a terrible mother), but my little one mentioned Chucke Cheese's once after hearing about it from a classmate and I told him Chucke was a big scary rat. He now has no interest in going to visit Chucke, thank goodness.

    De

  • sovra
    14 years ago

    I wouldn't do it, mostly because I think that declaring no gifts and no gift bags and saying, "too materialistic! You all should be happy enough with what you're getting!" puts such a dreary spin on something that can be worth doing just because it's special and nice. I feel like you want to take away a fun kid thing so that you can make a grown-up point about value. You can believe and do what you want, of course... but I think that for a kid's birthday party, giving and receiving gifts is a happy thing and worth doing.

  • IdaClaire
    14 years ago

    I don't think there's anything remotely "dreary" about what she's suggesting. Considering that she doesn't know the economic situation of the invitees, and recognizes that at least some of the kids may come from homes who struggle financially, I see what she's doing as generous, thoughtful and extremely kind. I'm surprised you see it as Tiffani trying to "make a grown-up point about value."

  • IdaClaire
    14 years ago

    Actually Sovra, I apologize. The OP asked for our thoughts, and you were simply giving yours. Sorry if I stepped on any toes.

  • saltnpeppa
    14 years ago

    My Ds is 9 & we always have a friend party & a family party. He is a Christmas baby so I feel I need to make his bday special & not a knock off of Christmas get togethers. Since he loves dogs, I often think about having a "dog themed" party & asking guests to bring something for the humane shelter. I'm thinking he is mature enough now to handle not getting gifts from his friends.
    On the other hand, I figure he is only young once & why shouldn't he get the goodies!! I look at the parties as a wash ~ I end up spending per child (usually more) what the gift usually costs. In return, my child (and hopefully his friends) has a great day making wonderful memories. Does he need anymore toys, heck no, but I sure do love watching his excitement for his birthday:)


    No advice, just my thoughts.
    Smiles:)

  • 2ajsmama
    14 years ago

    My kids always want to see the birthday child open their gift, would rather see their reactions than just get a Thank You card (usually written by the mom) later. Plus they want to see *all* the gifts!

    That may not work in a situation where there are families with different means attending. I also recognize that many venues charge by the hour or have a set time limit so opening gifts may not be an "efficient" use of time, but to me and my kids it's just as exciting and "birthdayish" as singing Happy Birthday and eating cake. Last year at the pool party I let them open their gifts there with the child who gave it right next to them, and took pics of them together (helped with the Thank You notes too LOL).

  • OllieJane
    14 years ago

    This is kind of like the question I asked a few months ago about going to a bday party and the bday kid NOT opening the presents at the party, instead, taking them all home. I wasn't a fan of that idea either. I vote for having presents and goody bags (since kids are so use to them these days, I CURSE the person who started this, BTW-LOL) at the party. I totally understand though, if people can't afford them.

  • awm03
    14 years ago

    Is there a local newspaper? I was thinking maybe you could put on the invitation a request for canned goods to go to a local food bank in lieu of gifts. Make the food drive a fun secondary theme to the birthday boy & his cars (let the child have his day in the spotlight, afterall). At the party, have a big decorated basket for the canned goods with a sign something like "DS's Birthday Blow Out Food Drive." At the end of the party, take a group picture of everybody around the basket, then submit the picture to the local paper and make sure every kid's name is listed in the text description. That way all can feel like they did something special and good. But do give them a goody bag, even if it's just candy. Little kids enjoy them so much.
    Make very sure your son understands these are tough times for many people and that some can't afford gifts.

  • kgwlisa
    14 years ago

    I'm sure no one is going to like this but I'm going to put it out there also. I kind of agree with Sovra. I think a birthday party is not the time or the place to make a point about charity, what people should or shouldn't give as a gift etcetc. I don't like it when I am told what to give for a gift, whether that is being told that I should give cash or being told that I should buy something off of a registry (I do not object to having registries, just being told I need to use it) or being told that if I want to give a gift, it is considered too frivolous by the recipient and I should be giving that money to charity instead.

    I definitely believe that charity and giving to others is an important lesson to be taught to our children. I believe that there are ample opportunities to do this, but I don't believe a birthday party should be one of them. To me, it's just not appropriate. It's like saying "It's OK for ME to choose to spend a lot of money on cake and candy and ice cream and slot car racing but everyone else should not spend their money on something fun - they should donate canned goods to the needy." It just rubs me the wrong way. But in general I am just not a fan of telling grown people how to live their life.

    About the goodie bags, I think that is a personal choice. Again, I would not use my child's party as an opportunity to make a statement. I would either give them, or not, depending on what I felt like doing to celebrate. I would not give them because I felt obligated to, I'd give them if I wanted to.

  • awm03
    14 years ago

    "a birthday party is not the time or the place to make a point about charity, what people should or shouldn't give as a gift etcetc."

    That's a valid point. What do you think of putting "Gifts Optional" or something more politely stated on the invitation?

  • kgwlisa
    14 years ago

    It would not bother me if it was phrased as part of a cute wording on the invitation that is vague but still gets your meaning across without directly mentioning gifts. Something like "We are just happy to have you come celebrate with us, so please just bring yourselves and be ready to party!" To me the sentiment is there that you are not expecting anything but the guest's presence but you are not telling them what to do.

    That's just what I would do. Maybe too subtle for some but it will give those who are looking for one an out (who cannot afford a gift) and will allow those who want to give a gift to give what they want. I would also never say that family is allowed to give gifts but friends are not. How weird to go to a birthday party where there is a pile of gifts but knowing I was told to not give one? I would basically try to take the focus off of gifts all together, but then I generally try to do that.

  • kimberlyrkb
    14 years ago

    I think your plan sounds just fine. Like someone else suggested, have a chat with your son beforehand. And I don't think just because kids these days are used to the "routine" of getting a goody bag, that you have to provide them. You're already spending money on the venue/activity and cake. I think that is plenty!

    We've talked a lot about kids parties at work and how they've gotten out of hand. I think if enough people start scaling back, perhaps other parents will feel okay about doing so, too.

  • polly929
    14 years ago

    Last year when I gave out the cookie, I started a trend. We went to several birthdays after my daughters in which the party favors were homemade cookies, wrapped in a cello bag with a bow. My girls LOVED getting those favors, and all the children really enjoyed them. We are doing a Mad Hatters tea party this year, and our favor cookies will have a tag attached that says "Eat me" and a juice pack that says "Drink me." Just like in the Alice in wonderland movie. Her party is next week.

    Tiffani, I don't know when your party is, but we attended a party last year in which there was a small card inside the envelope with the invitation that stated, "Gifts optional, and if you feel the need to give a gift, please keep it small and spend no more than $10, the pleasure of your company is all the gift we need." I thought it was very tastefully done, and the birthday child received some really cute, creative gifts.

  • work_in_progress_08
    14 years ago

    I think the no gift practice is a great idea, How well it works depends on your child's expectations re: not opening presents from his friends at his party. I guess I am wondering what his 4th and 5th birthday parties were like? Did he have kids parties where he was given gifts? If not, than I would assume he would know no differently and it would work out fine.

    I think you are setting a great example by taking into consideration the financial constraints of the parents of your child's guests. For some life is the same as it was a year ago, for others life is unlike anything they have been used to. Many families are dealing with job loss or less job security, the downturn in the economy, or just a general feeling of uncertainty.

    I do think a "goodie" bag, parting gift or memento of the party is a nice thing to do for your child's guests. Nothing crazy expensive, but a little something to remember the party. That said, I am not a fan of buying a bag and filling it with candy for the kids.

    I have done 16 birthday parties for DD. I loved planning them with my DD. She always wanted to give a goodie, parting gift of some sort. Maybe it is just a regional thing.

    The majority of DD's parties were at home parties that followed some theme or what she was into at each particular age. The goodie bag usually followed the party theme. One year we did a hayride party on our property (DD is an Ocober birthday) and the "goodie" was a homemade carmel apple wraped in celophane with a name tag decorated by my DD. Each child picked one on the way out the door when the party ended. I really don't remember that the goodie bag was an event in itself, more of just a parting gift.

    One offsite party we did at a ceramic studio. The item painted was the "goodie". That particular goodie was delivered 3-4 weeks post-party after it had been fired. We didn't do any other "goodie" that year.

    Adults do favors for most events, showers, weddings, dinner parties, etc. I don't think it has to be costly, but a small token of the party was just part and parcel of the childrens' parties DD attended, and those we hosted as she was a child.

    Goodie bags can be very simple and inexpensively done. Cool pencils, stamps, stickers, stuff of that sort, which can be bought in bulk if you are inviting all of your child's mates from school, dance class, karate class or the like

    While I don't think the "goodie" is mandatory, I enjoyed doing them with my child.

  • jay06
    14 years ago

    I'll sound more like a crotchety old bat than Auntjen thinks she sounds like (which you don't) by saying that all this angst over birthdays and gifts and goodie bags could be avoided by having small family parties. I've said this before and I'll say it again--I just don't get why there is some thought that every time a kid has a birthday, a party with a bunch of friends has to be held. I've been at big parties that have become so routine for the kids that they just get worn out and unexcited over the whole thing.

    There. Now I'M the crotchety old bat.

  • kimberlyrkb
    14 years ago

    jboling: DITTO! I must say I feel exactly the same way.

    And as for adult favors, I've very rarely been to an adult party with favors. Maybe it's a regional thing, but here in the midwest, I've been at more favorless parties than otherwise.

  • polly929
    14 years ago

    I think the OP stated that's what she has always done, and this year they were having a big party for him. She just wanted to know if it would be ok to say no gifts, and not give out goodie bags. Don't make her feel bad for having a birthday party for her son. I agree kids parties have gotten out of hand for many, and it has become a game of keeping of w/ the Jones'- but it was clear that the OP is not giving her son a big party for that reason.

  • igloochic
    14 years ago

    I'll second, third? Lisa and Sov. Six years old is too young to teach a charity lesson at birthday time IMO. Their birthdays are about silly fun with their friends. Lisa's statement in regards to gifts (optional but please be sure to bring yourself blah blah) is as far as I would go.

    As the mother of a small child who has too much, I use these experiences to teach the gift of giving. The joy of finding a special toy (and a matchbox might be all that is for some but it's still special to a six year old) is a lesson I don't get to give very often so I really take advantage of it (our son is 4 and not yet in school). At 8 or 9 plus it's a fun idea to discuss giving a party for charity, but only as an idea for the child...you know when they're ready for this or if they ever are :)

    I bitterly remember the birthday where my father taught me about charity. I opened all the gifts and then they were given to the "less fortunate" (I had no idea who those people were because we didn't learn that lesson). It was really more about control (now that I look back on it) verses a lesson in charity, but to a small child...do they really know the difference?

    I think we often forget the "joy of giving" and focus on the receiving too much :) So I get where you're coming from, but for a child of six...it's a party :) Let them enjoy it as a six year old should.

    Goody bags aren't a tradition in our area of the country. But I think the cookie and balloon sounds great. Great for table decor and enjoyable for the kids to take home. Or you could go with a matchbox given the theme of the party (those cheap ones). I don't mind cheap crap...it makes DS smile. The fact that he does not know the difference between a one dollar car and a twenty dollar one actually pleases me. And I don't mind the matchbox's anyhoo...at least they're metal :)

    My DS is afraid of birthday cake (or was until this year when he's braved the frosting) so I guess we're not overly birthday focused, but he has enjoyed the parties he's gone to as long as we avoid the cake. I don't remember getting any party bags...wait maybe one, but perhaps that is just our circle of friends.

    I don't think a lecture on how to throw a party is necessary :) Family, friends, it does not matter. Kids should have special birthdays be it with their school friends or family or both. Special does not have to mean much. We had our favorite couple over with their two kids for DS's 4th. Then we repeated a simple dinner with grandma the next week (we were moving to her state). He enjoyed both parties immensely and both were quite simple.

    DS would love to attend by the way....do you allow 4 year olds? I promise to limit the plastic LOL

  • mpmg46
    14 years ago

    Personally, I agree with you and don't think you are "going too far". It's your son and your life. You are doing what you believe to be best in this particular situation. Bravo.
    We've done the years of "please don't bring anything" parties before. That being said, our children were given plenty of gifts from us and from family. Our kids are 5 & 7 now and both love the idea of just having friends over for play time and cake. We've also done the big parties at play places with tons of gifts, party bags, etc. We never open gifts at those parties though, b/c the kids would rather play. No one has even complained about it.

    I think that your reason for why you are choosing to have your child's bday party be gift-less is admirable, quite frankly. You are astute in considering the attendants' financial situations. It speaks volumes about your thoughtfulness.

    It's interesting how many responses are discussing teaching your children about charity. Upon rereading your post, I didn't see where that was something you were trying to teach your son through this. We live in a day and age where, for the last several "boom" years, if you will, parties seemed to have to top the previous party. We live in a middle to upper class area and it's been refreshing to know many families who are just as pleased to have cake and let the kids play as we are. Most of our children want for nothing. It's not to say that they shouldn't get something new and special to celebrate a momentous occasion, but I certainly see nothing wrong with saying "We'd just like to celebrate our son's life...will you join us?" Obviously, the decision is yours to make, either way. One is not wrong or right. You may be pleasantly surprised by how many parents will feel more comfortable in the future by not feeling "pressure" to have a grand party, should you go with what you are planning to do. Either way, Happy Birthday to you son!

  • jay06
    14 years ago

    I should have added to my rant that my comments aren't directed to ttodd, who I believe has an admirable plan for her son's party, but to the general discussion here about birthday parties and gift rules, goodie bag rules, etiquette rules, etc.

  • ttodd
    Original Author
    14 years ago

    We had the party last night.

    Right before the party we had his grandparents and cousins who were attending come over and that's when they gave him a few gifts.

    Before they gave him their gifts DH expalined to DS1 about the no gift thing from his friends. DH was honest and told him that not everyone has a extar money and that times are hard for alot of people right now. He explained that spending time w/ his friends doing something super special is their gift to him. DS1 said that it would be boring so DH told him that he could stay home and we would treat his friends. He was fine after that and went downstairs and opened his gifts from family.

    The kids had so much fun (as well as the parents) racing cars and eating pizza! DS1 gave each kid a balloon as they left and more than one kid said that it was the best party that they ever went to. No goodie bag required! 2 kids did bring small gifts and we took them to the van right away (the parents completely understood) and he got a bunch of cards which the kids were very excited to give him.

    When we got home DS1 was able to talk w/ us about the whole no gifts from friends thing and he seemed to get it and was totally fine. We didn't tell DS1 that a few kids did bring gifts until our talk afterwards to see how it went for him and then we gave him the gifts.

    I thought that it went really, really well!

  • IdaClaire
    14 years ago

    Awesome! I'm so glad that it was such a fun event, and that everyone seemed to understand and simply enjoy! Well done! :-)

  • folkvictorian
    14 years ago

    It sounds like everyone had a blast! Can you put me on the invitation list for next year? ;o)

  • parma42
    14 years ago

    Fabulous!

    It sounded like it was going to be a great party. Cars...racing...boys, what's not to like?

  • work_in_progress_08
    14 years ago

    Glad to hear your DS' party was a success. Kids attend so many birthday parties once they start school, it can get very expensive.

    While in the local "party supply store" over the weekend I noticed that every childrens' birthday themed paper goods selection included the matching "goodie bag" as part of the party product line. From the responses to your post, I am surmising that the "goodie bag" may be a regional thing.

  • ttodd
    Original Author
    14 years ago

    I priced the Cars Goodie Bag (was surprised to see it) and they were like $6! I said forget it - they can be happy w/ balloons or not be happy. They were happy and they didn't even really argue over who got what color.