my DD is also 20 and also does not live with neither one of us anymore. but i cannot imagine neither me not X telling her she is not allowed in our houses when we are not there.

unless your SD brings unwanted visitors, messes up your house, has parties there, smokes inside or does anything else inappropriate then she should not be there in your absence. other than that I believe she can come over when you are not there. i can go to my parents' house any time, if i want to use their computer or fridge or laundry machine I can. I would not. but i could.

unless adult kids violate your privacy by snooping around, or spend hours on your phone, they should be allowed to come over. if your SD is only 20 and is in college of course she cannot afford anything much. what did you expect?

Guests are not permitted change heat settings in my house. Since the step-daughter chose to move out, she needs to realize your house is no longer her home.

But. This is your wifes daughter, and your wife is fine with all this. The problem is your wife. She is not listening to your objections and backing you up.

i don't consider grown children to be guests. parents' home is their home. X's is remarried but his home is DD's home wherever he lives and if he is married or not. she has her room there. i am single but my home is hers as well. she can change whatever settings in either house. neither is the house where she grew up, but our houses are always her homes.
i don't understand OP's attitude.

OP's attitude is he wants internet allies to gang up on his stepdaughter.

She's out of the house & he wants her to stay out of the house.

Lighten up & get reasonable.

It isn't just your wife who would be reluctant to go forbid her daughter access to her home;

*nobody* is going to tell his/her child "sorry, the man/woman I married says you can't come to the house."

It's *your wife's* home just as much as it is yours.

Try rejoicing that you found a nice woman to marry you, a woman who loves her daughter.

a woman whose daughter is healthy & normal.

Try thanking God or the great universe or your guardian fairy angel godmother that this 20-year-old girl loves her mother & feels comfortable around you (a grown man who became part of her household when she was 16!), that she is likely the kind of young woman who would help her mother if anything were to happen to her mother...or to you.

Try being a little bit humble, a little bit grateful.

& buy her a sweater.

Hmmm. I can see both sides of the fence here. I can see OP's frustration BUT I can completely understand WHY his wife is not bothered by her DD coming over.

Speaking from personal experience...I "moved out" when I was 18 and went to college and did not live at home after that. But my parents (mostly my dad, as they were divorced) still supported me financially through college. I had keys to both their homes and felt free to come and go as I pleased---when I was in town, that is. (I attended college out of state and only came home on winter break and part of the summer.) My dad's house was the home I spent a good portion of my childhood in, so it felt like MY home still and he NEVER made me feel it wasn't still. I never really lived in my mom's house---my parents divorced when I was 18, so when my mom bought HER house, I was already in college. But--I still felt totally comfortable and welcome going over there on breaks, and whenever I was in town--I had a key and everything.

OP, I do think you need to realize--this is the house your SD lived in until she moved out, correct? So of course she still regards it as *her* home, too. And--she is only 20 years old. I know, I know, at 18, you are considered an "adult" but to me--20 is sooooo young still.

Is there a way you can compromise with your wife?Maybe she could ask her DD to at least let you guys know when she is coming over. This young woman does need to learn some basic respect, too---I would have her mom speak to her about the importance of cleaing up after herself if/when she is at your home. That really has nothing to do with whose house it is---it has everything to do with basic respect and common sense. At 20 years old, she should DEFINITELY clean up after herself, load dishes into the dishwasher, etc. It's not right of her to come over, make a mess, and leave it for you guys to clean up--REGARDLESS of whether she lives there or not.

OP--I would probably not fight this battle too hard. I do think as DD gets older, she will not come over as often. I am 28 now and would not DREAM of going over and hanging out at either my mom or dad's without them there. It just would feel weird.

I really think it's an age/maturity issue, and as DD/SD grows up a little, matures, and develops more of her own life, this will slowly phase out.

I could understand if she were on drugs or you were worried about her stealing your stuff or something--but it sounds like she's a good kid and there's no harm in her being at your house. Just give her a little lesson on cleaning up and I think things will work themselves out.

All I could think is that since this guy doesnt get on with his SD, he should be grateful that a) the daughter comes when he isnt there instead of coming over always when he is there, and b) she doesnt break up with the bf and move back home.

Count your blessings and dont sweat the small stuff. And invest in a lockable thermostat.

Steptom
i see your frustration and i do understand. I personally believe in no one being in my house, regardless whether they are blood kin or not if i'm not home. That's my personal preference. She chose to leave and have her own home. Your sd daughter has to learn to stop leaching at times off of your home.
The main issue here is your wife. She is comfortable with it and this is her daughter. I do think yoru wife should stand up to her daughter and say either clean the mess you leave or please do not come when we are not around.
As long as your wife gives into her , this will not change. And knowing this the only thing you can do, considering your love your wife and obviously do not want to break up with her...(this would be stupid reason to do so) , you can make yourself comfortable and probalby not feel used by your sd actions by
1. Invest in a thermostat lock. I have and the door is closed to that problem in my house. ( my sd used to turn the heat to 25 and + when she would come ot visit) this winter i'm prepared.
2. Password protect your computer so she doesn't charge up your bill with downloads and uploads. ( i did this as well...no more high bills) and if you wife gives her the password, then give her the entire bill to pay and you pay nothing.
3. Talk to your wife again, and tell her ' i know you love her but she has to respect our household when she comes over. Ie.: CLean up her messes. Period. At least clean up please. This is reasonable.
4. As for food, mmm...does she take that much? if she does, ask her to go buy some items with you are low...she what she says. I would go over to my aunts alot and eat when i lived alone. BUT i also pitched in for food alot of times.
As for phone and television, that is a basic bill that is paid monthly and doesn't jack up when over used. That shows me, that you are just really annoyed with her using your space and infringing on yoru territory.
All said and done, she is not living with you and she does come over when you are not there, so it shows me she not intrusive. She sounds like a good kid but it just you two never got along. It happens. Have patience. Your wife is the only one here that can change this. So, knowing this, only control the things you can. (ie, thermostat lock and computer lock , your sd has her own computer, she can use that)
She's still learning to be on her own. Some people take a little longer to leave the nest.

Organic,

I dont recall OP saying his SD was running up internet charges only using it. My internet charge doesnt go up no how many wireless sets are on. And I think there is a big big difference between eating at an aunts, than at a parents, especially when SD is only 20.

My guess is SD has realized SF doesnt like her -- and that may be part of her moving out.

From OP -- "she needs to learn that you don't always get everything you want in life."

From a SF who hasnt been in SDs life that long - the "she needs to learn" to me is overstepping and controlling.

Happy medium:
Ask her to call to let one of you know she is coming over and to leave a note for anything she took from the kitchen (as it's inconvenient to find that something you need is gone)
Put a code on the thermostat.

My dad and SM live at the lake, and I can stay at their place when they are not home (they travel for work), as long as I call first to let them know I am coming. I have been known to drink their beer or use their firewood... But I tell my dad "I used all your kindling but I couldn't find the key to the shed to get the axe to chop more," or I bring beer next time I come to visit, and so on.

Does your DW invite SD over for dinner/lunch/coffee regularly? If not, maybe she should start... Then SD would have a time to come use your computer or make her long distance call while you two are home.
Perhaps if you are financially able to, you or DW could offer to take SD to the grocery store once a month with a $X cap on what you will buy her? Or you could do a monthly "basic non-perishables" stock up for her, where you get her some whole wheat pasta, cans of tuna, jars of spaghetti sauce - simple, quick, healthy food - for her to have at her house? Then you know she has good food at home and she won't need to raid you cupboards.

Young people do need some help from their parents... But a few boundaries are important.

My dad and SM used to take me to the grocery store when I was that age and out on my own...
It was GREATLY appreciated and helped our relationship a lot.

It was usually my dad suggesting these things to me, but in hindsight, I know it was my SM suggesting them to him. Which was nice of her, without overstepping.
That's the line you need to find - helping a young person, without babying them, and without pushing your limits as an SP. Fine line - good luck!

Organic,

I dont recall OP saying his SD was running up internet charges only using it -- and I think she brings her own computer. But OP, please clafiry. My internet charge doesnt go up no how many wireless sets are on. And I think there is a big big difference between eating at an aunts, than at a parents, especially when SD is only 20.

My guess is SD has realized SF doesnt like her -- and that may be part of her moving out.

From OP -- "she needs to learn that you don't always get everything you want in life."

From a SF who hasnt been in SDs life that long - the "she needs to learn" to me is overstepping and controlling.

Here's my opinion on the "guest" thing: If you're going to regard your own (or your partner's own) children as "guests", then you have to treat them as a decent person would treat any guest, i.e. making up the bed real nice before they come, neatening the house for their arrival, maybe lighting a scented candle, cooking the majority of the meals (with them pitching in as any decent guest would), cleaning up at least partially after them (along with them pitching in as any decent guest would), entertaining them with pleasant conversation or a fun shared activity or politely asking them what they would like to do, and most of all, saying at least once: "It's so great to have you here."

Conversely, if you and/or partner actually regard the children as the flesh-and-blood FAMILY that they are, then the heat is off you to make nice and empty their ashtrays, etc. A family member after a certain age in a family home pitches in with cooking, chores, and fends for themselves (for the most part) regarding finding their own towels or washing some if none are clean, etc. etc. etc.

Basically, in my opinion, it's either GUEST or FAMILY treatment, not some twisted backwards inconsistent hybrid of the two, which too often leads to the worst of both worlds, one way or the other. No one should be demanding the CHORES/RESPONSIBILITY of 'family' while preserving the formal distancing and disconnection of a 'guest'. Or on the other hand, demanding the full inclusion and welcome of 'family' but the privileges of being waited on as a 'guest'. The first scenario makes for basically a Cinderella-like slave and the second scenario makes for a Paris Hilton-like princess.

Steptom:

My kids are 18, 19 & 21. My 21 year old moved out when my husband & I were getting serious because he had a problem with me dating & getting married. He moved out in a huff when he was 18 because he refused to live in the same house as my husband or follow the rules of the house. My philosophy is that he CHOSE to leave when he was 18 because he wanted to be treated like a grown up, but he didn't want to behave like one. He didn't want to follow any rules because he was 18 and since "I'm an adult, I can do what I want. You can't tell me what to do." and that is much different than a child that is 18 and moves out to live in a dorm or apartment and leaves on good terms. Unless someone out there has one of each kind, they won't understand the difference. It's called TOUGH LOVE when I have to tell my son, "sorry, you made the decision to _____, now you must deal with it." I have a daughter that is 18. She's respectful, helps out, gets along well with everyone, does what she's supposed to. I feel very differently about her moving out than I do her brother because of the way he did it. I allowed him to move back in several times, but I had to remain firm on the rules and several times, he'd stay a week or two and storm out again because I didn't give in & let him be a bum. My daughter says she doesn't want to be like her brother, she wants to prepare herself to move out so she won't 'have' to move back. She is welcome to stay & I encourage her to stay until she is prepared. If she decided to storm out and proclaim that she knows it all and needs me for nothing, then I'd certainly change my attitude toward "let her find out for herself... the hard way." So, with that I agree with you that sometimes, they do need to learn for themselves.

There's nothing wrong with helping a child that is helping themselves, but pampering a spoiled brat is counterproductive and eventually, they may not ever make their way in the world because the rest of the world isn't going to play along.

However, I do agree that the problem lies with your wife. She needs to create and stick to boundaries with her daughter. If the price of teaching her daughter to stand on her own is not talking to her, well it's sad that the daughter would feel it's okay to treat her mom that way, but that's the price she'll have to pay. She is not doing her daughter any favors by giving in to her daughter's emotional blackmail. That's what it is when you withhold your love or attention to get what you want.

Besides all that, I would not appreciate my adult kids that don't live there (even if it's on good terms), changing my heat settings, being on my computer, & just 'hanging out' all day if I'm not there. It's not like she doesn't have an apartment of her own. The food would not bother me, unless it got to the point where I couldn't prepare a meal because she ate all of something, etc. That might be annoying but I'd let that go. As for internet, I have satellite & when I am not home, I disconnect the router and it's not available when I'm gone. That's because I use it for my business & my younger son has used up all the bandwidth by downloading crap from youtube, etc. and I spent a week with 'slower than dial up' service. As for messes & TV. As long as the kids don't delete what we have saved in DVR, then TV use is not a big deal. Any messes, let mom clean them up if she doesn't mind.

Hmmm. This is a tough one. When you say she messes up the house what do you mean? When you say she eats from the fridge, to what extent?

I'd still go over to my dad's house after I moved out after high school, it used to make my SM crazy!!!! But she'd never had kids. I don't think she could understand. I would take a shirt from his closet to wear too, or a coat. He didn't care, but she sure did.

It's hard coming in at such a late time in her life, there were already boundaries/expectations set between her and her mother. It would be very difficult to change that now.

I agree with the other posters. Buy a thermostat that locks. If she doesn't have much "comforts" at home I can see why she goes back "home" to watch tv/eat, etc...

Why did she move out in the first place?

She uses:

heat
phone
internet
tv
fridge

none of which, except possibly the fridge, adds $5 a month to your bills.

"My stepdaughter has definitely been a roadblock to our happiness."

what? after 4 years?

I'll bet she's been a thorn in your side since the day you married, & you've been counting the days until you could get her out of her mom's house.

Sylvia, I'd have to respectfully disagree that heat adds less than $5 to a bill. We turned everything off when I was working outside the home & nobody was home all day. Our bill nearly doubled when I started working from the home & keeping the place warm for me during the day. It CAN be very expensive.

My point was also, if a child moves out against the parent's better judgment, to claim they're independence, then why the heck are they coming home when nobody is there to still have the luxuries they can't afford, during the day when the people working & paying for those luxuries are at work to pay for them and nobody is allowed to put limits on that? That's total BS. I'd feel that way whether it is my child or my stepchild.

Ima,

My guess is the heat is somewhere between the 5 and the double - I assume the SD isnt there all day. We dont know why SD moved out -- we do know OP says he does not have a good relationship with SD. I think most moms would say they would like to help DD while she is in college -- letting her come over to use internet, etc., doesnt seem like that big a deal to me. I think OP will be less frustated if he recognizes that his wife would like to help DD. I think parents should pick their battles with adolscents, and older. SD feels (in my mind, at least somewhat jusifiably) that mom and SF are being unfair if they dont allow her some use of the home -- and if OP starts it again, then SD will likely cut off contact again. So OP will have to learn he cant control everything.

"I think parents should pick their battles with adolscents, and older."

Bingo, KK.
IMO,
Having her not be there is not a battle Steptom should even consider.
But something like asking her to call first is a reasonable battle to pick.
If they don't want her messing with the thermostat (which I can understand and would probably fight that battle too) then they can put a code or lock on it. To avoid a battle, maybe they can have an extra sweater and pair of slippers there for her if she is cold.

Now, OTOH, SD's approach of "if I don't get my way, I won't talk to you" is juvenile and manipulative, so she also needs to pick her battles.

Sounds to me like both parties have to get a better grip on give and take.

KK,

I basically agree w/you about parents choosing battles and that BM understandably wants to help her DD. OP did mention that SD has a cell phone (he pays for it) and a laptop w/wireless capabilities. She can access the internet on campus or a public library.

IMO she probably is a little insecure about being on her own and misses home and some of the creature comforts of food, heat and television. She and her BF are probably scraping by to make ends meet; however; I think this leads to IMA's POV. This young woman decided on her own to move out (we don't know why) and live an adult lifestyle and not that of a student. She is not living in on-campus housing nor is she living with some of her girlfriends. Instead she chooses to cohabitate with a young man, and I pass no judgment. Perhaps she is in over her head and is to proud to admit to it. At the very least she should let her BM and SD know in advance when she is dropping by and she should clean-up after herself.

I forgot who it was, but someone mentioned that SD and BM should set up a regular time to visit each other. Maybe she can take her grocery shopping or make her a couple of care packages. My MIL and I are very close and I visit her weekly. Every once in awhile she sends me home w/dinner for us or treats for DH. We are in our late 40's and we are self-sufficient, but it makes her happy to do it and admittedly sometimes it's great to not have to prepare a meal from scratch. SD and BM need to find some sort of happy medium because it's probably not worth the fight it will cause.

The SD is 20 and in college. That is different than 40. I dont see what makes you think the SD is insecure -- I do agree she might be scraping by. At her age, I disagree as to regular time to visit mom.

All of this points out need for better communication before marriage. I would always tell someone that I expect to help my DD while she is in college and grad school, at a minimum. Along with money, I think people should talk these thing through before marriage.

Gerina, that was my idea (and maybe someone else suggested it too) to have regular "dates" with DD.
KK, I didn't mean something along the lines of "every Tuesday at 6:30, SD comes for dinner with Mom and SF," I meant that perhaps they should invite her for a meal or a cup of coffee quite often, so she has some "comfort time" at their home when one of them ARE there. Her schedule is likely busy and unpredictable, but more visits when Mom and SF are home would probably result in less when they are not.

I agree with a "heads up", some advance notice (even if it's only a phone call an hour before) of when SD will be coming over ... I admit ---even being an SD myself--- that I'm the type of semi-private person who doesn't luv the "pop-in" completely unannounced, from anyone. (I could much more easily deal with it from a super-close loved one such as a mom or daughter, though, than more distant relations.) That is certainly fair enough. And depending on schedules & how busy they are & everyone's logistical needs, some amount of pre-scheduling shouldn't be any insult to anyone either. But the point is that these limitations should be based on *logistical* and *actual* needs, and not *just because* you are The Stepfather or made into some overblown Respect Issue. If it's posed to SD in pragmatic ---as opposed to moralistic and/or hierarchical --- terms, she should accept it without any problem. Much of it is a matter of ATTITUDE, as to how it's approached...

The main concern would be the confusion between the "heads-up" SD gives and the possible "veto power" SF might wish to have. (I know, I know, we've discussed this before re: KEYS to the house...)

Ceph and Serentity -

This is a 20 year old, who is scraping by. She does not have internet service. Her house may be barely livable. My guess is she is not always stopping by for coffee, but to use the internet. As a student, this is understandable. It appears that SF and SD dont get along -- which makes it understandable why she comes over when he is not there. I think to give advice to limit her visits means mom is limiting help with college age daughter. I see this as mom trying to help college age DD, and Dad either wanting mom to himself, or having a need
to control.

Yes we have had disagreements about "veto power" and whether it is appropriate to help children in college. Obviously different people are on different sides -- I think it shows a child she is not part of family when SF pushes for veto power, especially when the child hasnt really done anything terrible. Yes mom should talk to her, re turn back down the heat when you leave.

Just like some people are not meant to be parents, some are not meant to be stepparents. A friend of mine who is widowed broke off a relationship with a man he liked as the man insisted on sending her DD to boarding school. At least he was honest and upfront before relationship.

I think parents have to set some boundaries like kkny suggested: turn off the heat before they leave or similar stuff. college girl at 20 most certainly still needs parental help and being able to come to parents house is part of helping out.

I think the answer here is that SD is not OP's child, so obviously he does not care about her as much as her mother does. well then he should not marry people with children.

I agree with kkny and sylvia on this one. I can't think of anyone I know who wouldn't have been welcomed at their parents' home as if it were their own at 20, **especially**, but not exclusively, if they were in school. The only exception I can think of is someone who had stolen from the home, and so was no longer welcome until she got her sh** together. I certainly wouldn't argue with, say, ima's right to set different rules for her own children as she sees appropriate, but it is normal and reasonable for a 20-year-old college student to have free access to her mother's home, and it is only likely to cause problems for a stepparent to step in and try to limit access when neither parent or child wants to.

Now, I also agree that if stepdaughter really just completely stops talking to mom anytime she doesn't get her way, that is childish and manipulative and just wrong behavior. But it is also something mom and daughter are probably going to have to work out between themselves, and besides it is not the question steptom asked for advice on.

I think my sympathy is with the daughter on this one. It seems to me that if you got a stepfather at 16 and have "not had a very good relationship" with him, and if you've consequently moved out at 18 to live on a shoestring, you've probably already learned that you can't get everything you want in life. Because who wants to be in that situation?

And at 20... I think that for college students in their late teens and early 20s, there's usually a bit of fluidity in how the parent's house is defined, both by the parent and the kid. I went to another state to go to college, but my mother's house was still my "home," and the place I went during longer breaks. It was the same for my siblings. And when we were there, yes, we turned the heat up when it was cold, ate the food, and were each untidy in our own separate ways. Whether my mother was home or not. I don't think she thought twice about it, either-- to her, it was part of being a mom. I think she saw us as being only half out of the nest at that point.

I know that it's hard to look at a stepdaughter who lived with you for such a short time as someone who has a right to be in your house without you there. But for the sake of your wife and your stepdaughter, I would recommend trying to look at this as a passing phase and let it go. In a few years she'll probably stop using your house as a base, but for now it's normal. If you keep pushing your wife to shut it down and your wife actually does so, your stepdaughter is going to take it as a massive personal rejection. Or at least, I would have. If, at 20, my mother had told me that I was no longer welcome in her house except when she was present to supervise, it would have been a slap in the face. And I would have decided to retreat from the relationship, much as you say your stepdaughter did the last time your wife did what you wanted. I know that your stepdaughter's time in your house is costing you money that you don't want to spend... but is the money really worth shutting the door on the relationship between your wife and her daughter? Even if you don't love the girl, it would be kinder to your wife if you don't make an issue of it.

What if the situation were a bit different? My niece married and had a baby at 19. At 20, she was pregnant with her second child (planned) and she wasn't working so she decided to take a few college classes. Her husband is a year younger than her and not very mature but she made the decision to marry him because she 'knows what she's doing' and she 'can make her own decisions', etc. She planned to have these babies... she wants a total of five. They lived with her parents for the first year of their marriage and then got their own apartment when they were expecting baby #2 because their parents expected her to help keep up the house and pay some of the expenses.

So, what I gather, since she is 20-21, taking college classes... that makes her a college student in her early 20's and she should be allowed to hang out in her parent's home all day while they are at work... eat their food, turn up their heat & watch tv or play on the internet, even though she has her own apartment?

and to be clear, her parents are still married. She has no step parent that she 'doesn't have a good relationship so she felt she HAD to move out', but she just decided that "I'm a grown up and I'll do what I want." Sometimes, kids have that attitude and it's NOT because they have a step parent or their parents are divorced or anything else, they just have that attitude. And for the most part, she is a good kid, never been arrested, somewhat respectful, etc.

Ima, I guess I see that situation as more than a bit different -- having 2 babies. We also dont know why SD 20 moved out -- was it because of differences between SF and her? But if it were my DD, I would still help and encourgage her with college -- but two very different sitations.

Quirk, as to SD being childish -- well if mom and SF decide they want to treat 20yold as on her own, and she disengages (a favorite word from step land), then mom will have to live with it. My guess is -- it wont bother SF much.

It's not a matter of what she "should" or "shouldn't" be able to do. That's a personal decision between parents and child. And, yes, when there are stepparents, that includes stepparents. But in my experience, it is pretty common for an early-20's child to have that kinds of access to their parent's home. It is normal and not particularly unreasonable. If a stepparent wants to step in and try veto what many people would consider normal, reasonable behavior, it is likely to create conflict; between him and his wife, between him and SD, between wife and SD. In fact, it already has. He and his wife are at odds over this, he says. The question in my mind is not whether the daughter "should" be allowed access to the house. The question is whether steptom should continue to pressure his wife to stop it. If it were me, I wouldn't.

Hi, wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and respond to it. I came here for advice and other opinions on my situation and I sure got what I came for.

One thing that keeps being asked is why she moved out. Everyone wants a clear cut explanation but teenagers are never that simple. The most obvious and probably the main reason is not hard to figure out. Tell me truthfully why do you think an 18 year girl old would want to live in her boyfriends house, hmmm... can't figure it out, could it be SEX. No couldn't be, she must've left because the evil stepdad makes her live under his awesome CONTROL. Please people, some of you have really hurt my feelings, do you really think I would be at a site like this, asking for help, if I was like that. Is that how you were taught to treat people who come to you for help and open their hearts for all to see? But what does that matter I'm just the evil stepdad, I deserve to be treated like dirt, right? But I do realize that none of you could possibly know all the details of my situation and you might fill in the gaps with things from your own experiences.

Another reason she left is probably the same reason many young adults leave, they want their independance and freedom to do as they please whenever they please. No surprises there, just a typical teen.

The last reason is probably me, I do take responsability for being part of the reason she left, however this takes some explaining and sets some of the blame back in hers and my wifes laps. But this also leads me to something else many have wondered about and that's why we don't get along so good. To explain this requires some background and explaining and a little bit of speculating.

My wife was in an abusive relationship with her ex husband, he was a part of their lives until about 6 months before I came into the picture (kids were 14 (yes there's a brother, they are twins and I get along just fine with him)). The ex husband attacked her one time in front of the daughter, the daughter attacked the father and soon after my now wife obtained a restraining order against the father. That should not be taken lightly, I will say again, the kids have seen their real father abuse their mother. I should also explain that both my wife and stepdaughter suffer from depression and they both take antidepressants, nothing wrong with that just that they are known to have some extreme moods. My stepdaughter was also known for her temper tantrums, one example is, at a birthday party she spread her body over the candy that spilled out of a pinyatta (I don't know how to spell) so that none of the other kids could get HER candy. Picture this, a single mom raising two kids that she does not want to have a good relationship with their abusive father. He would give them anything they wanted to keep them in his life and then mom would do the same. To a teenager this must have seemed like she could run them both, anything she wanted she would get it from one or the other, she learned this early. Then comes the attack and the restraining order, she is cut off from her father. She started slipping away, I don't know why, I am no psychologist, she refused to go to school, withdrew from activities and friends, and worst she became aggresive towards her mother.

Then I appeared, about 6 months after the attack, I met my wife on the internet in a chat room, we chatted, then phone calls till all hours of the night, we didn't know where the time went, until finally we met face to face and we knew we were in love. The daughter was not too happy about this, now she had to share the only parent she had left. The first words I ever heard from the girl was a very long email about how terrible her mother was and the awful things her mother had done to her (all lies or greatly exaggerated truths) and what a terrible person I was for even thinking about having a relationship with her mother. Her mother tried family counseling with no affect, until finally the daughter became violent with her mother and brother. I remember my wife telling me that she had to put a lock on her bedroom door because she was afraid to go to sleep at night. Soon she had her daughter enrolled and staying at, a school for troubled teens, all this done with the guidance and advice of trained professional counselors. She was not sent away and forgotten, my wife was a big part of her life, there several times a week and to take her out almost every week. While she was there she seemed to mature a little, but she also learned some wonderful things from the other girls, like self mutilation (yeah cutting herself to feel she was in control of something).

My wife and I continued to date, long distance, two states away, for about two years. Then we got married and they moved to my state where we bought a house big enough for the four of us. (I should also mention that my wife is not so good with finances, we could not get a loan if her name was anywhere on the documents). I brought the family back together and made it clear from the start that violence would not be tolerated. Well, the daughter started right in trying to do whatever she wanted without regard for anyone else, she was not easy to be around. I really did try to have a good relationship with her but she would ocassionally express her disrespect (aggressively) and it would all fall apart. I know I am partly to blame here I am sure I could have reacted differently, any parent knows children can try you patience and being an inexperienced parent I guess I let her get me riled up. She had been used to telling her mother what to do and she would do it, now her mother would stop and say she needs to see if thats ok with her husband (some of you will try to twist that into controlling, give me a break, some decisions husbands and wives need to check with each other on). This new stepdad was getting in her way, now she really needed to get rid of me. My stepdaughter was in our house for about two years and that brings us to when she moved out.

Not very eventful, she started dating this guy he was 25 years old and had his own house, she was 18 so she would stay with him most nights for about two months until she moved in with him. She knew exactly what she was doing and decided to give up living with us so she could be with him, she knew she was welcome to stay and she knows she is welcome to come back. But she also knows if she comes back she will have to follow a few rules and help out around the house. The way she has it now, she can come over and do whatever she wants when we are not home, not contribute anything to the household, then leave the mess and go sleep with her boyfriend. She gets the best of everything and none of the work or responsabilities. As for helping her with college, she does her homework at school, they have wireless at the library, and I should mention that my parents (her step grandparents) are helping to pay for her tuition. We do not provide her with food she works in a restaurant and her boyfriend is so cheap they don't have a full kitchen yet. Where all their money goes is a mystery, they both work, they heat with wood (in other words free) his mother bought the house they live in (no mortgage), no tv, no phone, I am surprised they have electricity. And guess what, drum roll please, she's pregnant. All the more reason I will not try to get in the way of her and her mother having a relationship, I guess I really don't mind her coming over when we are not home as long as she is respectful, the problem is that she is not. We do not even know she is coming and the only way we know she has been there is that things have been moved around, messes have been made and food is missing (yes she eats alot, she weighs about 250lbs). The time my wife told her not to come over when we were not there was when we both came home late from food shopping or something and we wanted to relax a few minutes and watch tv but the remote had disappeared.

I know that I am welcome to go to my parents house anytime but I wouldn't dream of being disrespectful about it because I know they would tell me to not come over anymore. That's what my post is all about, my stepdaughter does not seem to understand that she has made choices and with every choice there are consequences. I was taught that parents are supposed to teach their children how to get through this world and be responsable, respectable adults. That's my real question is it better to let her do as she pleases or help her learn an important life lesson. It is not a matter of control it is a matter of an adult trying to help a child understand this world. Listening to some of your posts, I think it is way too late, and I need to let it go, so my wife can get to know her grandchild and try to be happy.

Thanks again for all your posts, take care and god bless you all.

Steptom:

Wow, when I made this statement: "I think this leads to IMA's POV. This young woman decided on her own to move out (we don't know why) and live an adult lifestyle and not that of a student. She is not living in on-campus housing nor is she living with some of her girlfriends. Instead she chooses to cohabitate with a young man, and I pass no judgment." I almost finished by saying, "What if she were to become pregnant?"

It sounds like you and your family have been supportive and done right by your wife and SD. I totally understand why you feel as you do. Your SD has made some very poor choices and in light of the pregnancy she needs to turn to her BF first. She and the BF made a baby together and it seems like BF better step up and provide for her and his unborn child, but I have a feeling this guy isn't a winner and your SD is going to be wanting the comforts you and your wife provide more than ever.

I have a question. Do you think SD's BF is anything like her father? It just seems that he is quite a bit older and controlling their lifestyle, i.e., no heat, no kitchen, no phone, no TV...?

I don't know what else to say. It sounds like SD needs to do some growing up really fast. As callous as this may seem, after she has her kid (assuming that her relationship falls apart), I don't think I would let her move back in with you and BM. It doesn't sound like you will turn your back on her ever, but you've done enough.

what does it mean adult life style? so renting a place is adult life style but living on campus is what? DD does not live on campus because it is more expensive then renting a place. it is also cheaper cooking your own meal instead of buying meal plans on campus. and what is a gender to do with it? If SD has a BF why would she need to live with a GF? DD used to live 7 college students in the house, some men some women. who cares? now she lives with her GF. Should i tell her she needs to go find a guy to live with or what? this makes no sense!

Let me get this right.

The SD was living in an abusive situation all her life til she was 14.

At 14, parents broke up and within six months mom was dating.(Instead of taking time to heal the whole family from abuse)

At 16, mom married tom and moved the SD, in the middle of high school, two states away.Instead of Tom, who appears to have no children, moving in with mom, SD was forced to give up her life and her friends.

SD and tom dont get along.

Is anyone truly suprised that the girl moved out as soon as she was old enough? Abuse issues take YEARS to overcome, and this girl was dealing with the breakup of her family, the abusive way her father treated her, the new boyfriend of mom, and then a move in mid adolesence to a new state, leaving behind her social supports. Any ONE of those things can cause problems , but all of them at once?

And in spite of this, the girl is still doing well, still in school. Many girls get preggers out of wedlock, and thats a shame. But overall, the relationship between parents and SD is still intact and pretty good.

I think you should count your blessings and not react to the samll stuff . Most kids in that age range come and go on a regular basis. None of my kids have to call first, or worry about coming in if we arent home. They do it less and less as they get older. Yes, they raid my fridge. You can password protect your computer and get a lockable thermostat.

It sounds to me as if Tom has no children, and wishes it was just him and the wife. A nice wish, but unrealistic if there are SKids involved.

I can understand your frustration. She's not really visiting her mother when she comes over. She's preferring to crash at your house when the house is empty.

You're in a tough situation since your wife is okay with it. Nothing you can say is likely to change the situation. Mother and daughter will side with each other. It's tough being a stepparent. When things cool off with the boyfriend, the daughter will be back home and calling the shots until she decides to leave again.

gerina - I don't know exactly what to think about her boyfriend. He is extremely quiet, almost never speaks, when he does he looks at the floor and almost whispers. He acts like a total pushover and she bosses him around whenever I have seen them together. However why does she put up with the lack of comforts, I remember her rejoicing when they got a refrigerator 6 months after she moved in with him. I know what they say about the quiet ones being the abusers, I just don't get that impression about him, I hope I am right, but I remain skeptacle. He told us he will marry her but she does not want to marry him because she will loose financial aid for the child and school.

finedreams - I am not sure what you are trying to tell me.

kathline - Mother divorced real father when kids were about 2 years old, abusive father remained part of their lives until the restraining order when kids were 14, mother began dating 12 years after the divorce. Part of divorce settlement the father had to provide housing until kids were 18, they lived in a house made into apartments and the father lived downstairs, after the restraining order he was not allowed to live in his own house (serves him right).

When her mother married me, daughter was living in a home for troubled teens (because she was violent to her family) about an hour away from where she grew up. The counselors recommended against her returning to the house her abusive father still ownes (I don't think they could have legally prevented it or not), so she would have remained in that place until either she turned 18 or the mother found alternate housing which was financially impossible. The counselors told us it would be good for her to have a positive male in her life (most of the counselors were female by the way). Also that is was good for her to get far away from the abusive fathers influence. The counselors all gave me praise for entering such a volitile situation and for offering this family a safe place to go. Living with me my stepdaughters nightmares for the most part went away, she made some friends, actually went to school and dances and football games, all those things had ceased when she was near her real father.

Correct me if I am wrong but I think you are telling me that we need to childproof our home for a 20 year old. We don't have to childproof the house for her brother who is also 20, he is responsible and respectful and I get along well with him, more than happy to have him in our home.