Looking for subjective opinions

19 years ago

I am a teacher, dealing with teens everyday quite successfully. I have 2 children. My ex and I agree upon their upbringing. My ex also supports my BF in his use of discipling and demanding respect from our kids. I made this happen and as a result, my kids value, respect and love my boyfriend. There are NO problems on that front.

We have been together close to 4 years. My difficulties lie mainly with his 2 children, although Lord knows I've tried so hard in the beginning. The SD has always been manipulative to a great extent. BF has been unable to discipline her without her fleeing back to her biomom's house. (BF only sees his kids evrey other weekend). SD is now 16 and rarely comes over to visit... but when she does, our house rules really don't apply to her. This is seen as unfair by my 2 children and myself but BF is completely oblivious to her manipulation of rules. She hardly ever comes to visit anymore, citing various excuses.. which is fine by me... a big relief to be honest! BUT the only time she DOES come over is when she either needs something OR is grounded at Biomom's house.

The greatest difficulty lies with my 11 yr old S.S. who after 4 years, still cannot even look me in the eyes. BF says it's because he's so shy, I say b.s.! This child is involved in so much extra-curricular activities that he's become over-scheduled. The end result is that his activities take precedence over any other family plans that we may have. BF and his ex are thrilled this year that he's made it to an AA hockey team. They have been discussing possibilities of S.S. getting hockey scholarships. The child is completely oblivious to anything family-orientated and completely focused on hockey... everything revolves around that. Every other weekend, when he is over, there is hockey every day! This makes it impossible to plan family outings. HOCKEY rules the house. Biomom also has him scheduled for hockey camps, skiing lessons, football during holidays... anything the child wants. BF doesn't see a problem with this at all and cites "but that's what my son WANTS". My 2 children do not get everything they want... his do. My kids keep bringing up how their step-siblings are spoiled and I agree 110%.

End result: my kids give BF respect, bond with him and allow his to discipline them. I support him 200% and demand that much from my kids. His kids show me ZERO respect, have no connection to me and don't really seem to care about my children or I. I tried SUPER hard for the first year or two, but began distancing myself when I became more and more unsuccesful. Boyfriend keeps telling me he has no control over his kids and that his ex-wife is to blame for everything. That is, in my opinion, pure b.s.

For many months now, this has taken its toll on our relationship. I am ready to call it quits. I have discussed all of these issues with the BF but he never has anything meaningful to put forward to ease the compounding problems. He keeps reminding me that he's a great stepdad (which he is and I always give him credit for) and that he wants to work things out. Personally, I was never given a chance to bond with his kids and I'm tired of coming 2nd to manipulation and extra-curricular. Am I being foolish? I need to know!

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Comments (5)

sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Well, I can certainly wee why you're annoyed. And your complaints sound very reasonable and valid to me.

But -- It also sounds like 12 of 14 days, you've got a pretty good thing going for yourself and your children. I'd venture to guess that most stepfamily relationships aren't that good, and to throw yours away would have some negative consequences for everyone.

Lots of non-custodial parents slip into 'visitor' syndrome. It's really easy to do, when you don't want to spoil the few hours you do have together with nasty scenes and tantrums. Of course, children are masters at picking this up and manipulating it to their advantage, and it's hard for the BioParents to see (or admit) but pretty obvious to everyone else. Sounds to me like that is really the core of what's going on here...

What about a few sessions with a family counselor to help work things out? If he's willing to work on things, that sounds like a great start toward possibly changing things.

Worst case, you could try adjusting your mindset to match the "visitor-mode" reality, explain visitor-mode" to your kids (who probably have some idea already, but this'll at least get it out into the open and explain why there are two sets of rules), and see if the different perspective and lowered expectations reduce your frustration.
dirtdiva
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Why would you let your "boyfriend" discipline and act as a step-father to your children? Then your children witness boyfriend's children giving you zero respect. Remember that your kids are learning about relationships through you. Get out fast, if you can. The reasons to stay would be that you can't afford to break-up, or are afraid you can't do any better.
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hockeymom33
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am trying to figure out if you live together or have two separate homes. Check out my posting about my 18 year old stepdaughter and that will shed some light on some things you will be going through. First, if I were you I would address the "household rules" so you don't end up where I am today. Read some books about this together, see a counselor, whatever so that you two are a unified front. Or soon, your children will not respect you BF for his lack of "parenting" his own children. Next, hocky - know it well (my 12 year old daughter is a goalie). I know from experience that schedules come out at the start of the season. Do you not get one so that you can plan family activities? Or schedules of any other activities? I personally think that some of our generation caters too much to the extra activities of our kids (mine only get one at a time). We are killing ourselves running around and forget that dinner together at night is just as important. I have learned that you are only "in control" of your own children (not his or what is X decides/schedules). The best you can do for your children is explain that you love them and they will do what you think is best, not follow along after your SD or SS. Remember, we are raising future adults who we want to be responsible and self-sufficient.
tessa118
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks to all who have contributed opinions. I am truly at my witt's end and have mentionned it to my BF again last night. End result? A big blowup! My S.S. is playing hockey 4-5 times/week and of course, BF attends. That means he is gone practically the whole evening (during the week) and has attended out of town tournaments and continues to make hockey a priority.

A new development has been that my BIOson has changed schools (he attended the same high school as my S.D). She would refuse to talk to him and would roll her eyes at him if they passed one another in the hallway. He asked his dad (my ex-husband) to change him to another school and is now living there 50% of the time. This crushed me. My bioson refuses to come over if his step-siblings are here. He's had enough, and rightfully so.

My BF (who does live with me) continues to blame his Ex-wife for the overscheduling and doesn't know how to deal with his daughter about her behaviour. I told him last night that I cannot put MY relationship with MY kids in jeapordy any longer and have asked him to move out.

Isn't it sad how children manipulate their parents in such a fashion that they have the whole world revolve around them? I, for one, have had enough!
dirtdiva
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
A person can only take so much. Hang in there and it will get better. The best to you.

Looking for subjective opinions

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sweeby

dirtdiva

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tessa118
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Looking for subjective opinions

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sweeby

dirtdiva

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hockeymom33

tessa118Original Author

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tessa118
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