Wedding plans and step daughters

16 years ago

Hi, everyone! This is my first post so please bear with me. I have been with my SO for 7 years and have decided to get married in a few weeks. He has a 17 yo daughter and 13 yo daughter. My relationship with the younger one is fantastic. The older one has tried to split us up in the past, attempting to set her father up with a friend's mom, etc. She and her mother are very close.

My SO's ex is very intrusive and calls him to ask for dating advice and home advice. She has recently begun hanging out with his mother, who had always outlined her extreme dislike of her. Needless to say, my relationship with my future MIL is NOT very good.

We want to include the younger daughter in our wedding plans but we're unsure how without starting a war. The older one would resent her involvement, even if she herself held no interest in it. We would like to include both, but doubt it is likely. Any ideas that would include the older one without alienating her?

My SO thinks it is appropriate to invite the ex to the wedding, I am VERY opposed to it. He has agreed not to do so, but I am concerned she will come anyway. She's very aggressive in showing her place in our new life.

Any advice would be welcome, I'm about ready to call it all off. BTW, we have a 3 yo son together as well.

Thanks for your help!

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Comments (9)

stillhopefull
16 years ago
Have you thought about eloping? I know that it's nice to have the children, family and friends included on such a special day - however it sounds like between the ex, the SD and MIL, lots can go 'wrong'. This is your wedding day - and it would be nice not to have any of these worries!!

Good luck, and congratulations!
finedreams
16 years ago
congratulations. Now why on earth would anyone invite their ex to their wedding, i am a good friend with X but I absolutelly see no reason to attend his wedding. It is rather bizzare. not her place at all
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Ah, what did I overlook? We don't know she was the other woman (and believe me, I would not be forgiving of that). For all we know it was a situation where he was long separated and met her (based on posts I've read on here, many people seem to be lazy about the actual divorce part). Or maybe the ex-wife left him and even remarried and had more children. We don't KNOW, the OP didn't tell us. Although that isn't exactly admirable (being involved with a technically married man), it is not exactly a homewrecker either. I was actually thinking people on here would think I was too tough on the OP! I even pointed out that she wouldn't (or shouldn't) be invited to the shower if she doesn't get along with the bride's mother. KKNY, you obviously have some personal problems with all this. Get a grip. I didn't overlook, accidentally or deliberably. As with most of these posts, all the relevent facts were not disclosed. Since they were not, I worked off the facts that were disclosed. You know, rather than make an assumption.
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I agree with the others, especially with NancyLouise's observation, "If you don't go it will be much more difficult to mend the gap between you two." I do think it's childish of your daughter to say that the lady who helped her is going to be wearing THE corsage -- what, is there only one in the world? It would be classier for her to buy one for you, too. Maybe she still will. But even if she doesn't, although I know it will sting, it's not a big deal -- it's just a corsage. There are much bigger issues here. Do NOT show up wearing one you bought yourself. At least she gave you a heads up about a particular element that she knew would probably be upsetting rather than letting you get blindsided with it. I'm so sorry for this sorrow in your family. I hope it will improve, and I definitely think that attending the wedding and being nothing but positive will be a huge help. Good luck.
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fiveinall
16 years ago
If you don't want to elope, invite them both to participate, if the older one doesn't want to at least you all offered. As far as EX coming I wouldn't in a million years think anyone would find you rude for not inviting her to your wedding...
If it is drama you are trying to stay clear from though, I would most definately elope, or elope with your parents and siblings only if you want your family there.
For our wedding, we eloped to Mexico, not to avoid drama, but it is just something we chose to do. we brought SD, DH's parents, my mom and my sister. Had a wonderful time!
dotz_gw
16 years ago
Hi Irishmom, I agree with Still hopeful,is eloping an option? Save grief with resentment among the girls, and the ex showing up unwanted..You could sit the girls down and say, we d love for you to help us plan a reception when we get back from our wedding, maybe help find a venue, favors , music,decorating, hostessing? I m not really a big fan of unity/blending ceremonies if the kids arent into it..My SSs I think, have always seen me as dads wife( I m fine with that)and all of us would have been uncomfortable with a unity deal that nobody was feeling...Good luck
kkny
16 years ago
I think in some situations destination weddings are best. I do think fdh should tell his kids first.
weed30 St. Louis
16 years ago
"My SO's ex is very intrusive and calls him to ask for dating advice and home advice."

"My SO thinks it is appropriate to invite the ex to the wedding"

Wow, talk about some red flags. I would postpone marriage until your SO can establish some boundaries with his ex. Although if he thought it was a good idea to invite her to the wedding, I'm not sure he even wants to.

I will ask you: Is she honestly a bad person, or do you dislike her simply because she is the ex? When I was married, my husband's ex wife was a good person. Early on, I was not 100% comfortable - she was his ex after all, but she really was a decent person. We had a very good relationship for the 15 years I was married.
finedreams
16 years ago
I have a good relationship with X, and his wife likes me and I like her. But I would not invite X to my wedding and certainly did not attend his, he did not invite me. I think it goes beyond liking or disliking, i think it is about boundaries. frankly I would think twice marrying someone who wants expsouse at the wedding. it indicates lack of boundaries.
lamom
16 years ago
Hmmm, I was once invited to an ex-boyfriend's wedding and I attended. The bride threw the bouquet at me! For my part, at the time, I saw my ex-boyfriend as a friend only and I think that was part of why he invited me was to show his wife to be and the world that's where things stood. It made her uncomfortable and then she threw the bouquet at me! They did ultimately divorce but that's another story.

I think when people no longer matter to you, then they really don't matter in the same way. Why be threatened? On the kids participating, why bother?

One caveat, last Thanksgiving, we went to SD35's home for dinner. She invited her mother as well, BM. I have no axe to grind with her and wanted to attend the dinner. Long story short, it was weird, she would talk to DH and then drift off when I showed up. So unnecessary as I am not worried that way. I doubt that I will attend anything else like that with her there, not because I am worried about her, but because she has her own mixed feelings. My adult skids did not attend my wedding to their father or the reception which hurt my feelings and that I never forgot.

Keep it simple for yourself. Just invite them but don't put them in to the mix of the wedding. That will probably be more comfortable for everyone involved especially you.
lamom
16 years ago
irishmom,

Also, DH and I had a destination wedding in Jamaica in large part to avoid a lot of wedding drama with both sides of our family. Although my skids did not come, we had a WONDERFUL time with the family members who did attend, loved the location, saved a lot of money and it was easy and fabulous.

We had a reception later in town to invite a lot of people who couldn't come and THAT'S where the drama was created. Keep your wedding the way you want it. If having the skids involved, the ex, the MIL and the other characters is causing stress then don't involve them! This is your wedding to your SO.

Wedding plans and step daughters

Comments (9)

stillhopefull

finedreams

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