As with most issues like this it is not a stepchild issue but a husband issue. I think you need to put your foot down in a big way. In now way shape or form should he be shouting at you for buying clothes or groceries and then paying for what seems like everything for a 20 year old.... more so an irresponsible 20 year old who is making her own bad choices. (ie if she can make big girl choices she can take on big girl responsibilities) But, it sounds like your husband does not want to hear it. I would suggest counseling but given his current reactions he probably wont be open to that suggestion. If it were me I send kiddo to to grandma's or whoever and wait for hubby and then let him know that we are going to sit and talk about this like rational adults until we come up with a solution because this simply isnt working. If he refused I would tell him.. I am packing my and my kid's bags and staying with friends family whoever until he decides that he is willing to do what is necessary to save this marriage and family. I would also throw in there that if he starts yelling or screaming at me that the conversation is over and I am leaving to stay at a friends house until he is ready to discuss these issues. What he is doing is a disservice to you your child and your marriage. What he is doing is not fair to you. More so you shouldnt be treated or have to live, like that and it will continue as long as you let it continue.

I do agree that the problem seems to be more with your dh than your sd. She is behaving this way because she can! Your dh is an enabler. If he stopped paying for her living expenses her roomates would be forced to help pay or they would all be evicted.

Then she would have to come to live with you guys and be forced to agree to follow rules. And this would help your financial situation.

I would not tolerate his yelling at you for buying necessities or his insistance on you getting a job when he agrees that it is not worth it. If you continue to let him yell at you then it will become habit.

I meant to add in a disservice to sd as well

Your husband is the bigger problem here. He doesnt seem to have the "marriage ia a partnership" down very well.

I would get the job, even if it only breaks even for you, because that would give you some control over where the money gets spent. Right now, you have to ask him for money, and he isnt willing to give it to you, his wife, because he is in the pattern of rescuing his daughter. His daughter wont learn until she has to rescue herself, so where does that leave you?

No woman should have to be yelled at for what she spends on groceries, or for needing things for the kids. If he wont see this, then you are better off with the job that will give you the control over the money to pay for those things

I am worried about the long term health of your marriage if this is allowed to continue.

I would not encourage the SD to move back in with you. Given the way she behaves and her previous attack on you I think that would be awful and really bad for the 3 yr old to be exposed to that behavior on a daily basis.

I agree, get a job. Let your DH know he will be paying for half of the daycare bill. And don't let him talk you out of it. You need to do this for you & your baby. Sock away some mad money, I think your going to need it.

~Cat

In reading your post, I am trying to get the crux of what your main concern is.

I WOULD be concerned, of course, about SD's statement that she was going to "kill" you 4 years ago, if this is something that she continues to say, and with a sense of detached deliberation and even planning... as opposed to one moment of hormonal teen angst where she got upset about perhaps your new marriage and your new baby and screamed "I could just KILL her!" out of anger and a feared loss of her own existence, which is what such things can feel like to a 16 year old. What is the latest with anything she's said like that in recent months, years?

I would also encourage my husband to find/develop some means of verifying if in fact her room-mates are skipping out on bills. Worst case scenario: she is lying about that in order to get more money. If he doesn't know for sure where the money's going, it might be best for him to say to her: "I want to continue to contribute to your housing, but so far it's been costing me more than I anticipated and I feel like I don't have enough control over how much it's even costing, let alone where it's going. And I don't want to deal with the drama of a "bailout" every month. Therefore, I've decided to give you four options: 1) I send you a lump sum every month for bills and if it doesn't go to the bills, that's your fault and your problem to deal with; 2) I put all your bills in my name and pay them directly so I know it's all getting there on time 3) we find you an affordable ---but likely smaller--- one-bedroom apartment so that you and I both do not have to deal with room-mates potentially skipping out; or 4) you can continue to live with other people if you need the company so darn much and refuse options 1, 2 or 3 and take the risk they will screw YOU (not me) over... but then I will cease contributing to your housing."

Honestly, from the way you've described her and the situation ---with the one exception of the so-called "killing" threat--- nothing sounds all that much different than any kid 14 to 20, especially in a divorce/remarriage/new stepsibling scenario happening in their teens. Kids want to have their friends come over, they want to stay out late, even drink and smoke and get tattoos, be loud and messy and have boyfriends. It seems like you spent the better part of your post trying to establish that your SD has some kind of "character problem" in order to basically ask a question ---as the title of your post indicates--- about money. Is your thinking that she deserves the contributions to her college, housing and car LESS because she dislikes you, quite possibly has bad judgement when it comes to picking friends, smokes, has a tattoo? I suspect that even if she didn't smoke, didn't have friends and had untouched skin, you'd still have a problem with the expenditures. Hey, the economy stinks and college funding, etc. is always a thorny issue. Doesn't make YOUR character bad for wanting the family finances to be better. But you do need to be honest with yourself about what you are even asking, or wanting, here. And also the system of reasoning ---and even perception--- you have developed in order to feel better about what you want. Then you will be able to figure out actual practical ways of improving the family financial situation without feeling like you need to make a case about which members of the family deserve what based on your assessment of their lifestyles choices and degree of extroversion. You might feel better about saying that her father shouldn't financially provide for her (but that he should for you) if you think she's a heathen, but even if she's a puritan, that's essentially what you're saying. Most likely, her father will not see it your way. So clearly other, more workable, more brass-tacks decisions and solutions are in order.

I suggest that both you and SD get jobs. SHE so that she can buy her own food (though, I must say, even the "bagging" you describe is quite normal for a college kid, and in many intact families I have known, it's more the parents who insist on filling grocery bags for their kids to take with them) and CERTAINLY by now her own clothes and CERTAINLY, always, her own cigarettes; and YOU should get a job so you can feel less helpless about the family money and your own financial needs. These are tough economic times, you may not have planned on bringing an extra mouth to feed into the family, but you did, and thus the situation is such that EVERYONE will have to pitch in and figure out ways to stretch a dollar.

But really, the girl is in college, not living at home with you, and that right there is a better situation than what many SP's deal with. The tradeoff is that both of those things cost money (whether or not SD smokes, has friends or a tattoo) in big, regular sums. She should get a job, yes, but this isn't going to solve the whole problem [see "what soem SM's think..." thread about what things cost].

Call me evil but I'd very calmly point out to him that he is financially obligated to contribute money for your minor son and if he's unwilling to do so on his own accord then there are other ways (i.e. child support and maintence) of securing the things your child needs that may not be so pleasant for him...

Perhaps threatening divorce isn't the most mature of responses (LOL!!) but I have absolutely no tolerance for bullies!!!!!!

Hey guys, at what age do you stop paying for their cell phones??? ( note; when they are paying for 75% of their own college??)

Are you saying that the stepchildren are pyaing 75% of their own college? If yes, I think it is more than fair to help out with cell phones etc.

Stop paying for their cell phones when they are no longer dependents... college or not. Stop paying for their cell phones when they ignore the usage and run up $$$$ and won't pay for it (or part) and/or they run up large bills frequently.

Continue paying for cell phones if they are acting responsibly... not running up large bills when you tell them it's not okay. If they are doing well in school & not goofing off and/or partying while flunking out. and once they get in your face and tell you they are old enough to do what they want... I hope that means they want to pay their own cell phone bill.

I make NO distinctions between bio & step kids. Only my bio kids have had cell phones, my SD's only 9. Those are my rules for MY kids (18, 19 & 21), they will also be the rules for my SD.... unless her mom gets her phone & is paying the bill. Then the only rule would have to do with no talking after bedtime/curfew in this house. (and probably during meals as well)

Cell phones are somewhat of a luxury. Sure, they are handy, especially in an emergency & kids think they NEED them, but most of us got by without one. I'm sure that point can be debated, but a cell phone should be more of a privilege than a necessity.

Why is this such a big deal? My kids' phone bill has never been more than ten dollars, though once putting another line on my plan meant I had to get a different, slightly more expensive plan. On occasion if they were making plenty of money, they paid for their part of the bill; other than that, I have paid the cell phone bill until they moved out and were on their own. It's essential when they are at college, because it eliminates long distance charges that they would incur on their room phone, and there have been numerous times when having a cell phone has allowed them to avoid a dangerous situation, get directions when they are lost, etc. We have never once used up all of our 500-700 minutes on our plan, even with four of us on the plan, especially since calls to another customer of the cell phone company are unlimited. They don't text message because it costs extra and why would you need to when calling is so much faster? None of my kids except the youngest have a bedtime, but of course you don't call people at 11:00 at night unless you know they are still up and awaiting your call or it's an emergency.

thewifee, I feel your pain. I have been through much of the same with my DH and his adult SD (27 years old). SD always asking for loans and then spending the money on non necessity items like taking airplane trips and fun. I do blame it on my enabling DH. I believe he feels that the way to show love is to buy it from his children and the SK expect DH to give them money for what ever.
Now I can see helping adult SKs out when they are in a financial bind but not when they spend the loan money on non-necessity items.
All adults need to learn how to manage finances and I don't think some parents have prepared their children very well on how to do that.
To theotherside, How would you feel if your adult SS uses 1500 of 2100 minutes leaving only the remainder of 600 minutes for DH and myself? In my eyes it is wrong and adult SS should get his own account and learn to pay for his excessive calling habits. I bet if he had to pay the bill his calls would go to non peak times and decrease in amount. But DH insists he continues to pay for adult SS (in college) excessive cell phone bill.
I feel DH is just enabling his children to be losers and not responsable for themselves. What more he short changes us as a married couple so his children can have money for non-necessities and fun. Many times I get the short end of the stick because I then pick up the tab for us as a married couple. I get very frustrated.
Does anyone have good ideas to stop DH from enabling his adult children to be dependent on us for money?

How would I feel? - I probably wouldn't even notice, because I can't imagine my exH and I ever using close to 600 minutes in a month. I wish I could get a plan with less than 700 minutes for the four of us on the plan now.

OK...cell phone usage is a big topic of discussion around our house these days. Who can top this?

My SS18 is in his first year of college about an hour away from here. We (thus far) have continued to pay for his cell phone. Last month he had 2100 minutes of talk time and 1100 text messages! I'm not kidding! My husband flipped! Our cell phone bill was ove double the normal amount! He talked to SS, who said "you need to get unlimited texting for me", and he did give DH $100 toward his overusage fee. So DH did get unlimited texting, and it upped our monthly base rate, but this months bill just came and he had 2600 minutes of talk time and almost 3000 text messages! I am astounded that he gets any homework done! How can this be?

Cell phones -- GRRR.

Just as an aside, I have had great experience with retroactively changing plans (the first time you realize you have excess call immediately, and get it upgraded to an unlimited plan). This happened to me when DD was doing volunteer buddy with a deaf girl.

TOS -- I have a plan that gives DD unlimited everything and me and the aupair/grandma/extra phone minimal usage.

lol, I'm paying the $10 a month for a fourth phone that isn't even being used. I have a family plan, 4 phones. DH & I plus one for my son & daughter. My son repeatedly overused & ran up the bill.. then refused to pay any of it. I took his phone & he bought his own phone. Now he pays $50 a month & if he goes over, it's HIS responsibility to pay it or not have a phone. My daughter uses hers responsibly for the most part. She's gone over a few times & promptly pays for her overage. I'd like to give SD a phone but DH says she's too young. My oldest got his own plan when he moved out of my home.

As KKNY said, some companies will retroactively upgrade your plan if you call before the end of your billing cycle. I did that many times when all my kids were on the plan. With three teenagers and being a single mom, I couldn't afford the $300-400 bills they ran up with overages. My current company doesn't allow changing plans retroactively so when our contract is up, we'll probably change to another company. SD will be almost 10. Anyone have experience giving a child that young a phone?

Ima, I hve sprint/nextel (and I am not crazy about them, but mabye no one likes their cell phone company), but they actually have let me upgrade after I recd a bill. As I put it to them, I will pay a high bill and then keep kid off the phone, or they can let me upgrade. They are usually happy with higher contrct. And yes, I have that spare phone, but it is good to give my mom when she visits, as it has numbers pre-progammed and is my local area code.

#1- Get a job so he can't chuck that up in your face. That's the first thing they do when money situations pop up is throw it up in your face that you don't work...that's why I would never be a SAHM.

#2- SD needs to get a friggin job. She is 20 damn years old. She needs to learn to bail herself out a little as well. She isn't a little baby anymore. Helping out is on thing, enabling is another. You can't go under in debt because the adult kid can't support herself.

#3- If the the minor child still living at home is going without so the adult child can get bailed out of all her financial turmoils all the time there is something wrong with the situation. One child can not suffer because the other can't get it together. That isn't fair. I wouldn't threaten divorce but I would make it VERY clear that my child's needs will be met one way or the other. Hubby could either get the picture and be a little more equal between the children or we could have child support coming out of his check. Either way the childs needs should come first. He is only 3 not 20.