I'm 45, Aldra. If you wait much longer to have a child, you probably won't, which may be your husband's plan all along.

It sounds as if your husband is the problem here, not his family. He may be using them to maintain control in the relationship, but if he makes you feel this bad, what's the point in hanging on?

If he refuses to see a marriage counselor or listen to your thoughts and feelings, maybe it's time to think about getting out.

It sounds like you married a narcissist.
They are the stars of everybody's show, the centers of the universe, & other people merely the supporting (literally as well as figuratively) cast.

They don't really relate to people in a "relationship" way;
they relate to them sort of the way a drug dealer relates to a user or a farmer relates to livestock, ie, "what can I get out of this one?"

"If you wait much longer to have a child, you probably
won't, which may be your husband's plan all along."

It breaks my heart to hear things like this...
but I don't think it's very rare.

I once showed house after house after house to a couple, same kind of profile, older husband's 2nd marriage, younger wife, & all she wanted was a home.

I was frustrated because, no matter how wonderful the house was, they'd have to "go home & discuss it privately", & then we were back to square one.

One evening a seller called me to come see something;
he had taped the showing on his nanny cam.

While the wife & I went through the house, the husband stood in the living room right where we'd left him, never taking one step, arms folded, looking bored, as though he were waiting for his wife to come out of a dressing room at the mall.

He had no intention of buying a house.

He was just humoring his wife, or keeping her quiet, or doing what he had to do to keep her bringing in a paycheck.

That woman was never going to get her home as long as she was with that guy.

"I am tired of being belittled. My husband is always going on about "Money. He who has the money, has the power." It makes me feel sick when he says that."

He's making sure that you know that he has the power; that's why you feel sick.

& although you say that he's supported you, you then say that you've been "an integral part of his business".

That means you've been doing the work that he would have had to pay someone else to do.

You've been at the least supporting yourself, & he's been using your own efforts to strengthen his position, & now he's gloating.

Cut him loose.

If you're serious about wanting a child, you might think about AI or adoption.

& you might want to thank your lucky stars that you didn't have a child with this guy;
then your life would be forever tied to his, & so would your child's.

I wish you the best.

sylvia

ps: Before you make any overt move, & before he has time to make any more moves than he already has, get together as much money as you can. Even if you clean out the bank accounts that you know about, I'd bet he's been stashing away money in secret. That's the kind of thing narcissists do.

& get a good lawyer pronto.

Sorry - but I'm going to have to agree with Sylvia. My first husband was like that, and I learned the hard way...

When I was 6 months pregnant with our first child, the company I worked for was unexpectedly bankrupted by a legal judgement. Prior to that, I was a well-paid management consultant, and someone he constantly bragged about in public while belittling at home. But when I lost my job, the scorn he heaped upon me was awful -- as if it were my fault. Now I was a "financial burden." I had to "file for unemployment right away" because "no one would ever hire me now." Since I was "unemployed" all of the housework was now mine and all of the major decisions were his, "since he was the only one bringing in an income." It was "my fault that we now had no health insurance and we were uninsurable." It was truly an awful time. Fortunately, I was able to freelance until I got a new job (with a higher salary, health insurance and maternity leave) at 8 months pregnant. That shut him up for a while, but didn't cure the problem. Divorce didn't cure the problem either -- but at least it's HIS problem now (and sadly, my son's), but it's not mine...

If he's a narcissist, who you are is the same thing as what you do for him -- He's unable to see you in any other light, because no other measure is meaningful to him. And your desire to have a baby is irrelevant, because "that's your problem, not his." If he doesn't really want a baby and is able to delay your getting pregnant until it's too late, in his view, he will have won, further validating how clever he is and how stupid you are... (Sorry to sound so cruel, but that's how they think.)

If any of this rings true to you or hits uncomfortably close to home, you need to figure it out quickly. Because as you're well aware, your time to have a baby is running out. Whatever you do, don't have his baby without being certain first, because then you'll be tied to him for life.

Get counseling with someone who's familiar with narcissism. If that's what it is - and it sure sounds like it -- the cure rate is low, and even if it works, it takes forever. (Per the counselor my Ex and I saw, about 10 years.) Get your financial information in order now so you can divorce quickly if you decide to. (Your DH may very well have secret 'his' accounts, and you may learn some surprising things about him. I sure did.) Get a lawyer for the legal advice you need. (Like if you choose AI and get pregnant before you're divorced?)

Life with a narcissist is always walking on eggshells. Live without a narcissist is like opening the windows on a glorious day!

Sweeby nailed it.

Take care of yourself.

Having a Child is one of life's greatest rewards, just because he has already experienced it doesn't mean he should deny you that. He sounds very self centered, life is too short to live in misery!

Lilysuzanne40 - My husband won't see a marriage counselor because he thinks he is the therapist, the great what ever. Apparently, it's "my problem". I'm the one with the "issues" because I won't take "responsibility for myself". I'm very lonely. I know I'm falling apart and I don't quite know what to do about it. He was never like this when I was bringing in the money but since he's been in the driver's seat, he's been unbearable.

To Sylviatexas, for too long I have felt like the madwoman. You're right, I am married to an absolute narcissist. Your story about the couple looking at houses scared me. That's my husband. He's always threatening to sell our house even though it's in my name, although it's morgaged up to the hilt. He won't even let me buy furniture. I'm like the woman you talked about. I just want a home. Cut him loose? I'm not sure where I would go. I know that sounds pathetic, infact it's incredibly pathetic but that appears to be what I have become. I'm afraid that for the first time in my life I may have actually given up. Pulling money out of bank accounts is sound advice but we're so leveraged it's not funny. So I'm living in a small town, no friends and up to my ears in debt, scared of making a move.

To Sweeby, you did indeed nail it. Infact I seem to have married into a family of narcissists. I realised after reading your reply that none of DH's kids have ever asked me anything personal about me. I'm this invisable person. They wouldn't have a clue about who my family were or any life I may have had before I met their father. About the eggshells.... yes, I walk on them everyday.

To Scarlett, yes having a child is not so much a reward, but a gift also. I never thought about it as much as I have now that 'time is running out'. I was pregnant five years ago and lost the child. My husband to this day can't understand my despair. From my point of view it was very traumatic. I fainted in my doctor's surgery during a routine checkup. My husband and I had been arguing before hand, mainly about the fact that he needed to get a job because, hey there was a baby on the way. My doctor insisted I be taken to hospital. My husband in turn insisted on driving me there as opposed to calling for an ambulance. My doctor reluctantly agreed under the condition that under no circumstances was I allowed to walk. I can vaguely remember stumbling up the stairs to emergency, holding onto my stomach, DH at least ten feet ahead of me, angry as all hell because he was being put through all this and somehow it was all my fault. A week later I had to terminate the pregnancy as there was little hope for my coming to term. I was never allowed to mourn the loss of the child. For my husband it was okay because he already had four children and both mothers had trouble free births. When my eldest step-daughter gave birth to her first child I was genuinely happy for her but it hurt when I would hear my husband praising her to the point of ridiclousness for being this remarkable human being because she had given birth and she had done it in an hour. The baby thing is a sore point with me.

Oh Honey! I do so hear you... When I was in labor with my son (Ex, the narcissist's only son), my labor was scheduled 4 days in advance and induced. So how did my "coach" support me during labor? By remaining in the room while he phoned his clients to conduct regularly-scheduled business - thereby showing them how dedicated he was. Even when they suggested he reschedule, he refused, saying it was fine. Had my self-esteem not already been in the toilet, I'd have climbed out of bed to throw his patootey out the door. Or better yet, the 7th story window!

But - My self-esteem WAS in the toilet. He'd dragged it there over the years, bit by bit, just the same way your husband has decimated yours.

Aldra, you've been financially successful before; you can do it again. You've been independent and happy before; and you can be again. Especially when you get your mojo back -- which you will within 6 weeks of starting counseling. Trust me on this -- I've lived there. You may think that counseling is not something you can afford right now -- but that's not true. Counseling is the one thing you can't afford NOT to do. The joy, the validation, the feeling of righteous anger! You will be a new woman in no time flat -- a new woman that you and everyone around you (except your hubby) will rejoice in. And THAT woman can do just about anything.

It sounds like you are stuck in a rut. Being broke isn't the worst thing in the world. As sweeby said you've been financially successful before; you can do it again. At first it seems impossiable, but you just need to regain your self esteem and fly. After almost thirty years of putting up with my fathers infidelity and child like behavior my mom finally made that leap. She stayed with him for so long because of money. At first she wasn't as financially secure but she has managed to pull herself up and she is the happiest I have ever seen her. She has always inspired me, made me see that life should be lived to its fullest..that its better to be happy and independent than having money to burn and miserable. I know that it is so much easier said than done, but I hope that you find happiness.

Sweeby, thanks. It's time to put the brakes on but you know, I'm scared. I feel like jumping out of that seventh floor window you wanted to push your ex out of. Of course I won't but the thought has crossed my mind. I really don't know what to do. I agree with seeing a counselor but wouldn't even know where to look. I don't even have medical benifits. I have had finacial upheavals before and yes, I did come back but this time I seem to have run out of steam. It's easy to blame another person and certainly, my husband is the villian in this piece but I've had my part to play in the whole thing because I have never stood up for myself.

To Scarlett, you are blessed to have the mother you have and she is blessed to have a daughter who recognises her need to be the person she is. I'm sure I'll come back but right now I don't really see the wood for the trees. I've had a varied life. Graduated from art school, worked as a model, travelled extensively, fell into management and along the way met some really amazing people. I'm not quite sure how to re-establish myself but just talking about all this is helping.

I remember that feeling... The last thing I ever wanted to be was a divorced single mother, and there I was with a new baby contemplating a divorce. (No one in my family had ever been divorced...) But then I realized there was something even worse than what I feared, and that was staying in that marriage and having my son grow up watching his father treat me the way he did. Having my son grow up believing that that was appropriate, and what I deserved? THAT was worse.

Yes - You've made a mistake in not standing up for yourself more often, more quickly, and more firmly. (I suspect you also know it wouldn't have done much good, right?) But OK - Admit your mistake. Admit also that it's not the worst mistake in the book, and that you don't know ANY people who havn't also made mistakes. They're human and so are you, and you're no less worthy than any of the wonderful people you know and care for. Admit and accept your past mistake and resolve to fix it --

As far as how to find a counselor -- I asked my doctor, and he recommended someone. If you don't have a Dr, ask a few friends, your clergy person, or a family law attorney. Or simply call 3-5 from the phone book and ask to talk to them for a few minutes on the phone to see if you 'click' and they have the expertise you need and are affordable.

It only takes one minute of confidence to make that first phone call (that's the hardest one), and you'll feel so much better after you do. The next steps will get easier and easier.

Aldra,
I'm not trying to say you shouldn't want children, or you shouldn't be able to change your mind at any time.

BUT...

You wrote in last year that "One of the things that he loved about me when we first met was that I didn't seem to have a maternal bone in my body (I don't) and he imagined us having this wonderful life together sans children."

If he didn't want more children and you knew it, doesn't it seem unfair to be pressuring him?

You SHOULD be able to change your mind. But is it logical to expect him to?

Posted by aldra (My Page) on Thu, Mar 8, 07 at 18:36

It's a little like this raek, sometimes it isn't just about the kids. Adults have rights also. My youngest step-daughter is not an evil person, I am not an evil person. However, the two of us living together, being together at any point in time would have been a recipie for disaster. She's incredibly spoilt, manipultive and lazy. The world must always revolve around her, or else it doesn't revolve. My keeping my distance is a way of keeping my sanity and keeping my marriage. I encourage my husband to see her as much as possible. I just don't want to be around when he does. I must explain, my husband isn't your regular 'koochy-koo' sort of dad. He loves his kids but in that remote patriarchal way that to me seems so 1950's. One of the things that he loved about me when we first met was that I didn't seem to have a maternal bone in my body (I don't) and he imagined us having this wonderful life together sans children. Of course it doesn't work that way, as you may well know and kids do get caught in the middle. But it's hard to be a responsible step anything if the birth parents aren't prepared to be responsible parents and if in doing the right thing you constantly see yourself being relegated to second place, step place. I abdicated before it got too bad. This way, my husband is free to have the realtionship he wants with his daughter and I am free to avoid being trampled on.

silverswood it is an old post, a year old

OMG, my bad. I don't know why that happened!

I don't think it's bad to go back and dredge up an old thread if the general topic is relevant... just that the OP is more than likely long gone!