Hi,

A lack of appreciation for stepmothers appears to be a common theme on this forum. I don't know that there is any way for you to deliver this message gently to your SD in a direct manner.

If the message isn't delivered to her verbally, she probably isn't going to "get it" on her own. Is there any way that her Dad can bring this up with her and ask her to discuss her feelings and tell her how it makes you feel? If she accepts this dialogue, maybe it could open an opportunity for the two of you to get together and talk.
Just my thoughts. You have a double whammy. You married her Dad and she's 14. Her age may be as big of a factor as anything. I have a niece that I've always been very good good to, and I drove all the way across town a month ago to drop off a check for $50 for her 14th birthday. I'm still waiting for a phone call or a thank you note. There's been no acknowledgement at all.

Best wishes!

One thing you have to remember here is that the behavior is really typical of any 13-14 year old, regardless of whether there is a step parent involved. We have issues with our daughter, who is almost 13, with the mouth, with gratitude, etc. And we're a 2 parent household, no steps, no halves.

Just be nice, don't push. Because you are easier to take her hormones out on than her parents at this point. Once she gets over this hump, things should get better.

Thanks for the input!

I was thinking of saying the following:

I know remarriage is a new situation for us. Your Mom and Dad still love you very much and are the people who are responsible for you. I certainly am not trying to replace your Mom. But, I do want to have a positive relationship with you and I do love your Dad.

My doing stuff for and with you is like an extra credit homework assignment, something I am not required to do, but do to get some recognition. What I need from you is to show some appreciation by saying thank you. Do you think you can do that?

"My doing stuff for and with you is like an extra credit homework assignment, something I am not required to do, but do to get some recognition."

Is that why most stepparents do things for their stepchildren? Not because they want to make the children happy, because they are fond of them and/or love their father? But because they want some recognition? I appreciate your honesty, but if I were a stepchild, I would not want my stepparent doing something for me for that reason. Actually, as an adult, I would not want my family, co-workers, clients, etc. doing things for me because they wanted recognition. Of course, as an adult, I do thank people, profusely, when they give me dark chocolate, etc., but receiving recognition is not the reason I do things for my relatives, friends, or co-workers.

I think the other question people have to come to terms with is whether they view their marriage as a partnership. If so, Dad may have a reasonable expectation that SM handles some things for him. So the first person to have this disengaging conversation with should be Dad. As to teenagers showing gratitude -- HaHaHa. She will likely regard the situation as now that you have a ring on your finger, you stopped trying to be nice.

Saying thank you IS one form recognition that someone did something for you. It is basic good manners to acknowledge that someone made an effort to do something for you.

No, do not say that. I was 13 when I got a stepmom. There are things in that statement that would have really caused resentment if she had said something like that to me.

1) "But, I do want to have a positive relationship with you and I do love your Dad."-- Nothing is going to make a stepchild feel less appreciated by a stepparent (yes, kids can feel unappreciated too) than being informed that the reason you're being nice is because you love their parent. Yes, by the time they're teenagers, they're smart enough to figure out that's a driving force, particularly if you're new to the family, but your relationship with her needs to be about her, not about her dad, or you're going to fail before you even start. You've already known her two years? Have you grown to love her? Do you at least like her, or can honestly claim to care about her as a person? That needs to be the basis for this conversation, not your relationship with her dad. If the best reason you can come up with for you to be nice to her, two years into this relationship, is because you love her dad, that's a rejection of her. Plain and simple. Don't bring it up.

2) "My doing stuff for and with you is like an extra credit homework assignment, something I am not required to do, but do to get some recognition."-- Again, this makes it sound like you don't really care about her. An extra credit homework assignment? Something you do for recognition? How would you feel if a friend, or maybe a better example your mother-in-law, said that about you? "I don't have to spend time with you, I do it to get some recognition?" Make you feel all warm and fuzzy towards the person? How about I do it because I enjoy your company; I do it because I care about you ; I do it because I want to?

A lack of appreciation is normal for a teenager, and also a legitimate gripe for a stepmom (or any parent), but that can be discussed without making it sound like you don't care about her as a person, which, quite frankly, the words you chose are going to be interpreted as exactly that. How about something more along the lines of how much you really enjoyed spending time with her and doing things for her but stopped because her lack of appreciation made you think she wasn't interested?

Newstepmom, do you say "thank you" to your stepdaugther when she does something for you? Even something small, like when she picks up her own shoes from the middle of the living room floor!! It's a small victory but a victory nonetheless!! Even if you have to ask her to pick up her shoes, once she does, then say thank you. Sometimes being the adult we must extend the olive branch and hopefully they will learn from example. Also, children are very intuitive. They can feel when someone is "off." When and if you do talk to her, speak from the heart, sincerity goes a long way and children are quite perceptive. Good luck!!

Thanks Quirk! It is great to get the perspective of a stepdaughter.

She never seemed appreciative of all the things I did, so I stopped. I figured she didn't want anything to do with me. That is her right.

She actually became worse after we married. Rejection hurts. I found her behavior hurtful, even though it wasn't personal. Sometimes she wouldn't even say hello.

Rather than let resentment build, I disengaged.

How about something like this:

I know you love your Mom and I am not trying to compete with her. I want us to have a positive relationship. That is why I took you for manicures, out to musicals, shopping, and out to dinner.

But I got the sense from you that you really weren't interested in a relationship with me. So I stopped doing those things with you.

If you want to do things together, I would be happy to. But I would also like to feel that you appreciate what I am doing by saying thank you.

What do you think?

Another thing, there's nothing wrong with actually telling her that it hurt your feelings when she was being mean or distant toward you. Teenagers can be pretty self-centered and tend to not think about how their actions affect other people, (or not to think at all), unless it's explicitly pointed out. She probably doesn't have a clue that your change in behavior is a direct result of her behavior towards you.

I am also a little unclear -- yes she doesnt say thanks, and a third hand comment (from SD to her mom to her dad) -- I wouldnt know what to make of that -- she could have told mom she didnt do much with you anymore and it got lost in the translation -- at about 14, it wouldnt surprise me if she stopping wanting to do things with any parent.

newstopmom, we crossed posts.

My first question-- **do** you like her, as a person? If so, tell her. "I want us to have a positive relationship" is such adult, therapy-type language. What does it mean, really? Why do you want a positive relationship? Because you like her, or because you're stuck with her and trying to make the best of it? Even as an adult, I'd have to wonder if someone who said that to me actually likes me. "I like you and enjoy your company", if truthful, is better. If you really don't like her, then don't lie, just be as positive toward her, personally, as you can honestly be. But if you do, say so. She knows that you are in the family because you love her dad and want her dad in your life. There's no reason for her to think you particularly want or enjoy having her in your life unless you actually tell her that.

Did you ever thank her for going to get manicures, shopping, shows etc with you? Spending time with her shouldn't be something you're thinking of as doing for her, that she needs to thank you for. It should be something you're doing with her, that is beneficial to both of you. If a friend asks you if you want to go to shopping with her, you might thank her for inviting you, right, or she might thank you for coming along and keeping her company? Or both. But if you have a friend who never thanks you but always expects you to thank her, that would be weird and condescending. It would seem like the friend thinks she's so great, or you're such a loser, that you should just be sooo grateful that she's willing to spend time with you. Blech. If that's what you're expecting from stepdaughter, it's not reasonable. I know you're probably the one who pays for things, makes arrangements, etc, seeing as she's the kid, and it's reasonable to expect her to thank you for that part of it. It's not reasonable to expect her to thank you for spending time with her, unless you are reciprocating and thanking her for spending time with you. As long as you are clear that the "appreciate what I am doing by saying thank you" applies to the practical making arrangements, driving, etc, not to "thank me for deigning to spend time with you" it should be fine.

Honestly, though, I think the words you're using to explain the situation to us are the best way to explain it to her; better than the so-carefully-worded speech you're trying to plan out.

"You never seemed appreciative of all the things I did, so I stopped. I figured you didn't want anything to do with me. That is your right.

Rejection hurts. I found your behavior hurtful, even if it wasn't personal."

There's your starting point.

Thanks Quirk!

At times she was downright mean. She even insulted my dog. But I figured that she was just having a tough time with the remarriage.

I can't say that I really enjoy spending time with her now, because she has been very mean. Teenage girls can be brutal! I just remember that it isn't personal, that I am an adult, and that there is ample room for things to improve.

There have been some good times, though.

I have enjoyed doing things together before we got married. After we got married, she dumped me! Sometimes she walks in and doesn't even say hello.

I would like to go back to the way things were before the marriage, when she used to be pleasant to me.

--I can't say that I really enjoy spending time with her now, because she has been very mean.

--There have been some good times, though. I have enjoyed doing things together before we got married.

--I would like to go back to the way things were before the marriage, when she used to be pleasant to me.

These are all things you can tell her. Exactly the way you said it here, really; these are things she should understand. They are honest (kids aren't stupid) and they express feelings that are likely to mirror some of her own, that she can understand.

You are probably right that she's having a tough time with the marriage. It's a big change for her, at an age where she's already experiencing really big changes just because of hitting puberty, high school, etc. And it's kind of scary. Like I said, she's old enough to know you're mainly in it for her dad not her, and (I'm assuming?) hasn't had a stepmom before, so she didn't really know how to expect you to behave toward her after the marriage. As far as she knew, once you got married and moved in, you would stop being dad's nice girlfriend and turn into evil stepmom, so it's not horribly surprising for her to distance herself. It's good that you're willing to cut her some slack for it, but it's NOT an excuse to be just plain mean. You and her dad both should make it clear she's not allowed to be mean and insulting to you whether or not she likes you and whether or not she wanted you to marry her dad. She's allowed to not like you if she wants (not saying that's the case), but not to be mean.

Also, she's still a teenager, and you're still a quasi-parent type person. A likely response to the conversation is for her to roll her eyes at you or have a snide response or something. Unless she very clearly and specifically says she doesn't want to go back to hanging out with you, assume she does and follow up within a week or so with an invitation for something. She is unlikely to take the initiative.

Thanks so much Quirk!

I agree with everything that you said.

I must say I was really hurt by some posts. There is a very nasty undertow here. Someone said "Now that you have the ring, you don't care about her." That really hurt. It couldn't be further from the truth.

I said that she -- meaning SD -- may view things that way. I did not say that was your attitude. I see a somewhat normal teenager and you having unreasonable expectations. Talk to friends with teenagers. I think if you regard a teenager as not saying hello as mean, your expectations are unreasonable.

newstepmom,
I found this forum a couple weeks ago, excited about the possibility of finding support for the sometimes difficult process of navigating the turbulence of stepfamily dynamics. Initially just wanted to read the posts of others to get a feel for how similar or different my experiences are to the existing members of this forum.
I, too, have detected a very nasty undertow here and, as a result, have elected not to post my personal struggles with trying to build a reasonbly pleasant life where my husband's children & I can extend to one another, at the very least, basic civility and a modicum of respect --- if for no other reason than the fact that we are all human beings, deserving of at least that.

There is just a little too much, "Well, you married a man with children. What did you expect?" for me. It is condescending.

One final thought, there also seems to be a consistent thread in many responses suggesting that second wives are merely gold-diggers, interested only in robbing their husband's children of their rightful inheritence suggesting that for second wives, it must be all about the money. When this theme becomes predictable, one can only assume a great deal of projection is going on...it may be all about the money for some folks here, but I am not sure it is the second wives and stepmoms, or should I say, the father's wife.

I think it is very helpful to get the perspectives of other people.

There are a few people on this site who regularly post nasty grams. It is a weird form of cyber-bullying. Some people have let the site because of it.

I am wondering if there is anything that we can do about it.

It is very helpful to get the perspectives of others but it isn't helpful at all when the remarks are quite obviously intended to be confrontational, personal and hurtful.

Those who engage in this will argue that they are simply standing up for the rights of stepchildren and have many times insinuated that as a group, we are evil women who are home-wreckers and are undeserving of any respect.

I've been on the forum for a while and I do gain a lot from different perspectives. When the baloney starts, I try to ignore it and glean what I can from those who are really trying to be helpful. In short, I don't think there is anything that can be done about it except for try to ignore those who bully.

I agree there are some posters who regularly post negative remarks. But there are many both step and bio mom's and children that are wise and supportive.

I haven't read all the comments here, so far there are many good and a few not so good. I want to agree with "OTHERSIDE" on her response to: "My doing stuff for and with you is like an extra credit homework assignment, something I am not required to do, but do to get some recognition." Ugh. I can't imagine anything that would turn off a 14 year old SD more quickly!

Maybe I'm not clear on the whole concept of Disengaging, but by seeking recognition, are you really disengaging? (Again, I'm new here and maybe someone can explain that concept to me a bit more.) I do think that an honest conversation with SD about wanting to love her and care for her and that you are there for her if you need her would be a good idea, just be careful how you word it. It's also a good sign that you recognize that her change in behavior/attitude is probably not about you personally. She has probably recently passed into puberty, right during the OTHER hugest change in her life - mom and dad's divorce and the appearace of you!

If you haven't already, you may want to consider therapy - either family or for your self. I may be headed in that direction myself. I figure - couldn't hurt!

Best of luck to you and your situation.

I CAN NOT BELIEVE I AM TYPING THIS, BUT I SOMEWHAT AGREE WITH TOS.

One day I was getting on my SD12's case because she asked if there was anything nice she could do for me so I would then take her to the mall. I started in on my "we should do nice things for people because we care for them, because we want to be helpful, because we recognize we have a responsibility to family and the community" speach when it hit me that I needed to take my words to heart. I am the primary mother figure, meaning that her BM opts not to get involved in her daughter's llife unless it is convenient for her. Therefore I am the one SD comes to for pretty much everything. There are times I feel like saying "Hey - I am not obligated as a parent to do these things. You need to be more appreciative that I do." Thankfully, I have come to a few realizations:
1) I shouldn't be doing these things for praise. I should be doing them because my heart is in it. If it isn't, why the big show? 2)Kids should be appreciative when ANYONE does something nice for them, bio-parents included. Just because we aren't obligated doesn't mean we are more worthy of praise. 3)Extras are not required. I enjoy doing special things for and with my SD, but they are no more necessary for me to do than her BP's. I look at it that special treatment is earned, not given. Treat me with respect and I will do the same, and I will be happy to be there for you however you need. 4) You can't buy love. All you do by starting down this path is set yourself up for failure. Not only do you raise a child who learns to expect everything for nothing, you have a relationship built on material needs. Earn affection by your actions and attitude. 5)Don't expect an overnight miracle - especially with a teenager. It will take time for her to determine how she feels about herself in this situation - then she will determine how she feels about you. Until she is ready, just be supportive, positive and consistent. Let her know you are there to support her, but not for her to walk on. You will respect her as long as her behavior is respectful.

Good luck to you! It is not an easy road you are on, but it sounds like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You're welcome. Hope it's helpful-- just because it's a parallel situation/age doesn't mean she's just like I was and will respond the same, but I was at least there once.

You know, I had completely forgotten-- when my dad and stepmom first started dating and getting serious, I definitely went out of my way to maintain distance from her. Why? The obvious answer that most adults trying interpret the mind of the teenage child of divorce will think is it was because of loyalty to my mom, didn't want to betray her by liking the "new" woman or whatever. Nope, the reason was that my dad's first girlfriend after the divorce was a nice woman who hung out with us all as a family and did nice fun stuff together. I liked her. Then my dad broke up with her, and poof she was gone. So I had no intention of liking the new girlfriend just so he could dump her, too. Of course my poor SM would not have had any way of actually knowing what my problem was...

Thanks Quirk!

I got some very helpful feedback here.

I think I should have used the word appreciation, rather than recognition. It is really hard for me to keep doing nice things for someone who has been indifferent towards me at best, and at times hostile. (I don't mean not saying hello, there were other negative interactions and snide remarks that I don't want to discuss.) Who likes spending time with hostile people?

I just stopped so I wouldn't become resentful.

Choosing words carefully is really key, because of the difficulties of step parenting.

Wish me luck.