I can't imagine going off on a trip without telling all my children. My adult children tell me when they are going on trips as well.

My dad and SM aren't required to tell me everywhere they go. I am not required to tell them everywhere I go.

They drive truck, so I'm used to them being not-at-home most of the time... But they often go on a little trip to one of my stepsister's places without telling me, or to see friends in the next province without telling me. This is fine with me, I'm not their babysitter.
If they leave the continent, they tell me. And that's nice to know.

I think it depends on the relationship. I'd think it was very strange if my Mom went somewhere without telling me, therefore it would bother me because that is the nature of our relationship. We talk all the time and we always let each other know if we are going out of town.

It would be normal if my Dad and SM went somewhere without saying anything, so I would think nothing of it.

well... you've framed it as a binary question, yes/no, autonomy/not-autonomy, when in reality it's an analog (sorry, non-math-types), how much autonomy is appropriate question.

Absolute autonomy? No one has that. Other people are affected by our actions and we have responsibilities to take that into consideration. Families and close friends are affected to a greater extent so get greater consideration. Minor children are affected the most with the least power to stand up for themselves, so get the most consideration.

Certainly a wife has a right to plan a birthday party for her husband if she wants, but if his children are in the habit of doing so, her decision will affect them, so she ought to take their point of view into consideration. As they should take hers into consideration. Or a couple has a right to take a trip without necessarily consulting with or notifying their grown children, BUT if the children would not be able to contact the couple by their normal manner (calling them at home, for example) it seems only considerate to give a head's up.

And i think where to draw the line is going to depend so much on the specifics of the situations and the inter-relationships involved that it would be difficult to have hard and fast rules.

Yea, my parents kinda do their own thing. I mean if they are going to Vegas or on a cruise for awhile they usually let me know but I don't bother them, they let me know they made it home alive. That's cool..

As far as DH & I , we couldn't fart without the kids knowing and then deciding whether it conflicts with what they want to do...they run our lives.

Thanks for the input. I wasn't really looking for a yes/no answer per se, but the question was kind of hard for me to frame. I was trying to be more general and I was only using my folks' road trip as an example of me not realizing and then realizing that my parents had a personal life outside of me and sibs. As I have gone from kid to teen, to young adult, to middle-age, I now see where my parents were coming from on a variety of issues (sit up straight - I don't like the guy you're dating - they had years of wisdom). I know that they were always very happy to see me, but I'm betting that they enjoyed it when everyone moved out. They could do their thing.

The birthday party thread and responses just had me wondering. In that instance I completely think that the SM should have informed her SD's that she wanted to buck bday party tradition. I came from an intact family and the b-day thing wouldn't have bugged me too much, but I bet if I were a SC it would bother me more. I'm sure I would think, "he was my dad first" - sounds stupid and childish, but I honestly I would probably feel that way to an extent.

Don't know where I'm going w/this - sorry. Of course every family is different and I guess in blended families each member really needs to be hyper aware of everybody else's feelings more so than an intact family.

I kind of have a different take on this post.

Alot of parents raise their kids to be their whole life. They throw themselves into their children so much that sometimes the children end up becoming the more dominate personality. These parents have no interests of their own and probably don't even know what to do with themselves when their children aren't there. This happens a lot with children of divorce because of a competition element that presents itself, or maybe even because one or both of the parents are emotionally messed up and the child(ren) feel they have to protect their parent(s).

Here are two examples:

#1 - A very dear friend of mine who's son and my son are very close friends. She still sleeps in the same bed with her 9-1/2 y/o and her 7 y/o. Almost every night they guilt her into sleeping with them. She hasn't slept in the same bed with her husband in almost 10 years! If DS wants to sleep over with her DS, they have to do it over there because my friend doesn't allow sleepovers away from their home. I had a party for DS and she insisted on sleeping over with him. That wasn't a problem. The problem was that because she always has her kids with her, I HAD to include her daughter in this all-boy birthday party and sleepover. It is my opinion that she uses her kids as a sheild so she doesn't have to deal with her very real marriage issues (alcoholism, infidelity, extreme debt, and more).

#2 - My sister. My niece is accustumed to having access to everything and everybody. If there is a closed door in the house, like say I went to the restroom, she will bang on it until I come out or open the door. Not that she wants what is on the other side of the door. She just wants to have access whenever she wants. If she doesn't get her way, she will scream bloody murder until my sister thinks she's having an asthma attack (never even been diagnosed with asthma) and picks her up and cuddles her until it's over. It's very plain to see who has the more dominate personality.

So when these children grow up, roles tend to be reversed. The children EXPECT the parents to answer to them and the parents feel obligated to inform the children of everything. I see this in real life with my brother-in-law. His mother informs him of EVERYTHING and he is in the Navy living 1,000 miles away with a family of his own. My BIL, on the other hand, gets mad if he finds out the tiniest little thing that happens and she didn't tell him.

If this is the dynamic of a family, anyone who marries into it should work within the dynamic and then raise their own children differently, if they so choose. It's like playing two ballgames at once. It will be hard, but that's why the poster on the birthday thread is having such a hard time.

In my own relationship with my parents, we are not like that. My mom had emergency surgery to remove her gall bladder and no one told me until my aunt called from Arizona to tell me. I was a little miffed, seeing as it was and emergency procedure with the risk pof infection, but still it is THEIR business and does not effect me in any way. I am the only relative living anywhere close to them and all I expect is to be informed if I need to help in any way (feed animals, pick up mail, watch house) or if it's life-threatening (my father's heartattack in May of last year when my mom was 2 hours away and I was 20 minutes away). To me, they are adults and they deserve to make their own decisions independent of me, just as I expect of them.