Hugs, I feel for you. First, be glad they are getting his school work. Second, I wouldnt wait around, I would contact X and discuss schedule. If the problem is DSs friends and sports, etc., find what works for you. Maybe dinner out once a week (can be casual). The important thing is to keep up your relationship. Maybe even dinner, and you drive him home. The important thing is the time talking, not where he sleeps. Could you be the one to take him on college visits? As children get older, you have to find a way in.

Also, I dont have any experience being NCP, but notify school that you want copies of all parental notifications, teacher conferences etc. If DS is in any sport you can and should attend just as if he were living with you. These are public events. Even if all you do is wave, etc., you will let him know you are there for him. Make certain he knows you arent mad at him, and he can call you for rides etc.

Agreeing with KK, I would really try to think of something fun you two could do together, just the two of you Mom & son, or ask him for ideas. Right now it is most important to keep the lines of communication open.

I do think once your DS realizes there are rules and expectations at Dads as well as Moms he will naturally want to spend more time with you too. Things are just still recent and feelings still raw. Don't make any rash decisions right now. ((Hugs))
~Cat

Here....I'm going to say it.....I agree with kkny!!!! :o)

Even as a custodial mom I am dealing with hardly seeing my DS and he is 16. I really thought that I would be relieved when he could drive and I wouldn't have to take him everywhere and to a degree I am but boy, has he grown up FAST. It happened with my now 20 year old daughter but then I still had a DS at home all of the time. I've really had some emotional times about it. It's like a pre empty nest syndrome.

You will have to meet him on his turf so to speak. Would you be willing to allow him to have friends over to your house? You could provide pizza, movies that type of thing. It would allow you to at least have him around and you could know his friends. A one on one dinner when ever you could schedule it sounds like a great idea. I feel for you.

This is the time when I really feel like they have grown up too fast. Much faster than my emotions could keep up with.

I would not try to be too forceful. If you can't pin him down and talk to him could you write him a letter. Just be completely honest with him. You love him dearly, you miss him, you want him in your life, you're proud of how he is growing up, what does he think would work out best for him. Best wishes.

I agree, keep communication open and never make him feel guilty for not seeing you. If he were four years old, I would say force the visit because young kids often don't want to upset one parent but they are usually fine once they are with you. But, teenagers want to be with their friends, I'm pretty sure he isn't wanting to spend all his time with just his dad, unless maybe they do stuff together like work on cars all the time. But, KKNY had some excellent suggestions and go pick him up, don't put the responsibility to meet you or go to your house on him. He may have pressure from dad to not see you. Good luck and keep posting.

We are going through the same thing right now with FSD. Only she lives in another state. But she doesn't call or return calls; doesn't text or return texts; doesn't e-mail or return e-mails; doesn't send pictures that she says she will. It's really hard on FDH. He is such a loving and adoring father and it's breaking his heart into pieces. He's upset when he talks to her because she's distant and always distracted. He's upset when he doesn't talk to her because she doesn't call first or anything. It's almost like she's forgotten us.

BUT, one thing I've learned this week is that with this teenager (and maybe all of them, I don't know) we HAVE to be proactive and HAVE to interject ourselves and HAVE to ask tons of questions......repeatedly. KKNY's suggestions are great. Get him to nail down a time for you to go pick him up. Do the work for him. Don't wait on him to always make the first move, because he won't, just as I've learned that FSD won't. Contact the school for yourself. That's what FDH did so he could get a schedule of her cheering activities. If you don't, you will look like FDH looks like to me right now, pitiful and wallowing in self-pity. He LOVES it when I accept his invitation to his pity-party. But, as of yesterday, I won't be joining him anymore. He's a pity-party of 1!

My situation was different, because I was the cp, but I insisted on maintaining the CO regarding visitation. Unless there was an extreme situation, like when the kids went to Ireland for St. Pat's 2000, they went to see their father according to the schedule. It wasn't about their social calender, or homework, or any of that, to me, it was about teaching the kids to follow rules, laws, and COs. Sometimes in life we don't get to choose what we want to do, we do what we have to do. It was just another way of teaching that to the kids.

Dogdog

I dont know how old your kids are, but my DD is almost 17, and their schedules get tough. The schools have to move athletic practices as fields or gyms become available. My DD lives with me, and I agree, any time she is in a team sport, I dont see her that much. Kids grow up.

I was worried re OP as her Dads house seems to be the good time house, not the study house. So I would make absolutely certain I am on schools mailing re DS. At my DDs school they will not only mail both parents report cards, but also interim warning notices, etc.

The school issue is okay for now. DS grades fell a little the first couple of weeks he stayed there but so far ex and SM have had to step up and play the parent and he has brought one grade that fell up. I have decided other than monitoring it online that I will let them fight that battle because that is what they have let me do for years. I attended DS football game last night but I never got to talk to him as I did not want to stand around with ex and SM waiting for him so I just sent him a text after the game to let him know that he did a great job and I would see him this weekend. DS gave me a wave when he saw me so at least he knows I was there to support him. I have definitely hit early nest syndrome a little earlier than what I ever thought that I would have to deal with it. I just never thought that DS would shut me out the way that he has or that ex would not reciprocate all of the gestures that I have extended to him now that DS is living with him. I have no idea what ex is saying to DS as right before DS decided to live with ex the attitude about talking about ex and SM had changed with DS. Suddenly I was trying to keep DS away from ex and making him hate SM. I have NEVER said no to DS going to ex's house other than the night that DS ended up walking over to live with him and that was not about keeping DS away from ex but about his attitude with me. As for the SM, lately things with her had gotten really tense between the two of us (as you have all read in previous posts) but I had not said anything more than usual to DS but suddenly his attitude changed and I was trying to make him hate her. And I probably sometimes say too much but it gets so frustrating to constantly have to pick up the pieces of some mistreatment on behalf of SM to DS because she is mad at me or DS does not get treated well because DS is not child of SM like DS half sister.

Here is a little more twist to this crazy story--SM's mother and my mother were best friends in high school. My sister and I were about the same age as SM and her sister. We all grew up playing together. Both SM and her sister were lying, manipulative, mean little girls and finally after I got tired of being blamed for everything that SM and her sister did I told my mother that I refused to play with SM and her sister ever again because even though they did all this stuff they always blamed me and I did not do it. I remember SM's mother telling me one time that her daughters did not lie to her and that meant that I was the only one that could have been lying. That is the way that SM and her sister grew up and still believe that nothing is ever their fault. SM cheated with ex while still married to me---not her fault in her opinion even though she was calling my house to talk to my husband. I don't want to listen to her cry about her lying, cheating husband when they split up--I am the now the person that she will never forgive for betraying her in her time of need all because I want my ex back and have been manipulating her for 11 years to get him back. I do not allow DS to continue visitation with her and instead send DS to stay with ex for almost the whole six to eight weeks they are separated and DS has the best time ever with ex--I will never be forgiven for not allowing her to continue to control DS and ex for those weekends instead of ex being able to spend time with his son. I tried to give SM and her sister (they live right next door to each other now so I still have both in my life) a chance as we have all grown up but through the years I have seen that they have not changed. I see it all of the time and then when you ask them about something that was said they will tell me that DS is lying. And most of the time it is small stuff that DS would have no reason to lie about what was said but they will turn the tables on DS to defend themselves if something makes them look bad. Usually it was not that big of a deal but it amazes me at the length they will go to defend themselves if something gets out that they think they do not want others to know what they said. At the end of the day I have come to realize that DS is not one of them and they will turn their backs on DS to get themselves out of a bind and one of these days DS will experience that firsthand other than them acting like I manipulated the whole thing myself to make DS hate them. DS and I were talking about ex at dinner a few weeks before this happened about something that ex had said to DS in front of me last year and the memory of what ex had said to DS has now changed to some BS that ex has put into DS head. I know that the only way that DS will ever see it is to live it firsthand but it truly scares me that they will teach him to lie, cheat, and manipulate just like them. I hope that DS realizes that he wants to be a better person than his father and not put his future wife and children through what he has been put through. I know that I have not always made the best decisions but I have tried to teach DS to do what is right and admit when he is wrong.

I personally would give him a couple weeks for living with dad to get old/reality to set in....it may be the more you push the more resistant he is going to be...I would offer the dinner date as KKny suggested but not pressure too much for the next few weeks...and if after a cool off period he still doesnt want to come, I would enforce it with the courts

Sorry for all issues. Great you went to game. Why dont you suggest to X that if DS wont visit on weekends, then you should be the one to pick him up after games. The can still see game, but should wave goodby and let you drive him home. I gather it is tough that SM has more money, which can be enticing to teens. I am in those shoes, but it is X with lots more money. I have to tell you soon DS will be driving home with friends etc., that is just fact of life. Just make certain he knows you are there for him.

They are still in the "honeymoon" period where everything is great and X & SM are trying really hard to look like the great parents they've always tried to be but you never gave them the chance. The new will wear off and the old will shine through. I honestly hope it doesn't. Your DS will benefit better if they reallly have made a change for the better. But, old habits are hard to break. Just like fiveinall said, reality will set in at some point. Everyone will quit trying to be on their best behavior and they will get tired of catering to eachother. Who knows how long that will take.

Good luck with this. It's so hard and I see the pain on FDH's face every time he looks at his phone thinking that maybe he missed her call or text or e-mail.

What do you mean I never gave them a chance???? No, ex has never had custody of DS but I have given him plenty of opportunities to step up and be more than the good-time, EOW father. Ex walked out on me and DS not the other way around. Ex has never stood up and taken the responsibility that I tried to allow him and after DS grades suffered or DS figured out that ex was not going to be there DS would decide to quit spending any extra time with ex. I have pushed and pushed for ex to be more involved but I have gotten excuses left and right about how everything else is more important than being the father that DS has needed through the years. I will stand back and let this either work or fail. I would love to see DS get to know his dad as he has always wanted but I also know after 16 years what he will see if he looks too closely. Actually, I believe that DS knows that too but he still craves that attention that he has never got from ex. Ds has lived with the disappointment of his father and SM all his life. They continue to make promises of how grand life would be if he lived in the same town (now we do, not anything like the dream ex had talked about for years) and now I truly believe now it is the dream of how great things would be if DS lived with him. But I know how this story ends because I face it all of the time with DS being let down by ex once again. EX talks a big game with great intentions but he has a problem with follow through.

KKNY - my kids are all in college now, but I remember how chaotic it can get. The year my son was a senior, he played varisty football, softball, and wrestling. My ODD was a varsity cheerleader and on drill team, and YDD was freshman cheerleader, and on drill team. Add in homecoming, student body, and handful of "clubs", and we a calendar that was always full. Thankfully, their father lived close enough that were able to participate in important events while at his house, as well as from home.

it is sad that you do not get to see DS as often. can you talk to him in private on the phone or email and tell him that you miss him and would love to see him more? he is a teenager and you can have your own relationship with him wihtout X and SM being in the middle of it. i would call him daily, or every other day and tlak to him about his day and aks what he would like to do next time etc.

I think that the other posters have pretty much said what I am thinking.

1. DS will likely figure out that living with dad is not all he was promised and he will probably want to come back to you.

2. Instead of forcing visitation try to accommodate it a little different with lots of phone calls and maybe a weekly dinner and some other plans you can make with him.

Did you decide upon moving or staying?

Oh, dear! I wasn't saying at all that you didn't give them a chance. I was being sarcastic (I forgot to add the quotes). When I said above "trying really hard to look like the great parents they've always tried to be but you never gave them the chance", I was trying to say they are trying to portray that to the school and friends and whoever. I'm sorry. I was not at all wanting to upset you.

It seems like, from what I understood from your post, that the increased interest in his schoolwork and such is them trying to make it look like that they could've been great parents, but YOU were the reasaon they were not. Does that make sense? From what you said, SM has a way of turning everything around to not be her fault. I'm sure that's what is going on here. She is going to be SuperStepMom for a while just to prove to DS, X and anyone who will listen that it was all your fault. Kind of like she's saying "See? I told you that once BM was out of the way things will be better" But it won't stay that way. The novelty will wear off and DS will see her true colors again.

I disagree with most of the posters in this thread, and quite a bit.

You are his mother. You're not a counselor or teacher or camp instructor. You are your childs parent. The child doesn't get to choose who/when/how/or where they are going to live. But they do need to be shown who is going to do it. In a healthy situation as you've described, kids don't need to choose and in fact, it is very detrimental to allow them to choose. They need a backbone. You've been there through thick and thin and you're not going to stop now.

Sure, maybe some things have changed...but to back off totally sends a completely different signal to a teenager. Keep showing your love and keep showing that you are a parent. You are the parent, remember that.

There are many examples on this board alone, about a bio parents effect on walking out of a childs life...even in a minor way. In your case, your CHILD does not get to choose. And setting him up for this choice will do more harm than good. Search this very site for examples.

Good luck.

Actually, I researched visitation in my state and it does not matter how old the teenager is that both parents are to encourage visitation with the other. My problem is that ex is not forcing DS to do anything that DS does not want to do at this time because ex has DS right where he wants him. The more that I push to be included right now, the more that DS is backing off and hiding behind ex. I am not sure how to get through right now without causing more problems. The ex and SM and I have all had words over this situation already and we are now to the point of not speaking at all. Nivea- My biggest worry about backing off until DS was ready to come back even for a visit was that DS would believe that I did not want him and that would be his thinking as to why I was not pursuing him to visit or whatever. I allowed change of physical custody because ex was making such an issue out of paying support when he had DS living with him. But I think that ex will change back to his normal self now that support has stopped. I am not so sure that it hasn't as DS grades are dropping more after I checked them online last night. I don't know if I should even say anything or just let ex handle it like he has let me do for years. Obviously, ex is not handling it. But I think that I have to bite my tongue this weekend and just put it all on ex and enjoy the weekend that I have with DS. I am so nervous about how this weekend will go anyway because it has been so long and so stressful between all of us that I do not know what to expect. But I am hoping to just enjoy the time with DS and be happy about having him home even for just the weekend.

Ashley-thanks for clearing that up. I truly thought you believed that I had taken the opportunity for ex to be a father to DS away from him and I have done nothing but push for the opposite through the years. I had a dad that backed off to avoid arguments with my mother and I did not want that to happen to DS. So I have always allowed ex to control many situations that I probably should have spoken up about and I am sure that I have made ex mad but we have learned to keep quiet and just go with the flow on many occasions.

ASM, I think in every state parents are supposed to encourage visitation. The problem is dealing with teens is tough. As to worrying re DS thinking you did not want him, that is why I encourage you to attend his sporting events, etc. Parent teacher nights etc. Even if he doesnt respond, send him texts etc., that you met his teachers, etc. Dont hound him, but dont worry it is one-sided.

The grades scare me. I would talk to him. I realize I dont have any experience with NCP role, but I would still gently talk to him, find out what the problem is -- does he not understand material, is it getting more difficult, etc. Does X respond to Emails to you? Do you think he at least reads them? Could you send him an email -- I always put subject -- like DS GRADES -- in caps.

We are struggling with a similar situation. DSS 14 is supposed to visit EOW but he hasn't in 8 weeks! This is the longest DH has gone without seeing him, ever. It has gradually worsened. At first, DH gave in to allowing DSS not visit and stay home when he wanted to go to certain events with his friends b/c when he is "forced" to come, DSS spends the entire weekend looking like he is in pain and not talking to anyone except when asked a direct question and then, the response is an inaudible syllable. DH is afraid it is too "tramatizing" to force him, not to mention how unpleasant it is having to be around him. Suddenly, however, things have changed to where DSS does not ASK DH if he can not come, he just TEXTS or has BM send an e-mail stating that he is not coming!

For visitation this weekend, my DH found someone willing to sell tickets to a sold-out college football game Saturday to see a team that DSS 14 and DSS 12 love. That same day, BM sent an e-mail that DSSs were going whitewater rafting and he could pick them up on Saturday evening afterwards at 6:30 pm. (Not only will they be exhausted after rafting all day, but they live 2 hrs away, so they would have had to be back in less than 24 hours.) DH called DSS 14's cell and told him about the game, and said he needed to know that night to confirm on the tickets. DSS 14 said he'd discuss it w/ DSS 12 and get back with DH. DH heard nothing that evening. Then, when he arrived at work the next morning, BM had e-mailed him stating that the boys were still going rafting. DH is simply going to see them a few hours on Sunday.

DH only says it makes him sad that DSS 14 doesn't "miss" him. (DSS 12 has been coming anyway.) I have tried to tell him that it may be more circumstances of not wanting to be away from his friends, rather than not wanting to see him. It has really caused an emotional strain. We are considering whether we could possibly move closer to them so that the "couple hours here and there" visitation would work. I am just afraid that even that will not be close enough and they will shut out DH entirely, after we have uprooted our family (we have 2 DSs, 7 and 14 mos.)not to mention our jobs. (We are professionals and would be seeking to open a satellite office in an area closer to them.)

I know none of this is black and white. I also agree that it's important to keep trying. Good luck on your situation.