I never quite understood the need for such meetings between the BF/GF and exes in the first place. If I never again have to look at my DD's SM or my DH's EW, I'll be as happy as a PowerBall lottery winner! I never felt the desire to be friends with DD's SM nor do I have any wish to converse with my DH's EW. If you haven't already, I'd try to adopt the same attitude. It's quite obvious from the emails your receiving that you are only going to be met with hostility by the woman so why subject yourself to knowlingly bad treatment? Your BF obviously thought his EW was capable of being a mother when he decided to have a baby with her and now he finds you quite capable of being a SM to the child. He needs to tell her that, not you.

Hi laurels4U.
I do not want to be friends with her, talk to her or make any sense of her disorder/chaos. I never pressed bf to meet her, but she grumbled and questioned her child safety. I nip problems in the bud, get it over with.
I am doing this to make the transition easier, avoid the child-witholding drama she was threatening with. I have made it clear that this is the only time I will do this.

As far as her mothering skills, I have no business telling her, altough I have my private opinions. I will let her scramble for words when we meet. I will not be hostile or friendly and not share any information that I think is not necessary. It seems she is the one with all the questions, accusations and susptions, this is her opportunity to ask and discuss. Let her take a big dump, she is dying to do it, so we can walk away in peace.

Ahh I remember the first time I met the BM.

You'll love this (also keep in mind BM is the one who cheated/left her husband):

He takes the kids to Vegas for Christmas to visit family, she is to take them home, I was picking him up so he didn't have to leave his car at the airport for the trip (she knew this). Here he comes with the kids, she sees me walking towards them and LITERALLY runs at him PICKS UP BOTH CHILDREN and does a full sprint out of the airport carrying them (who are extremely confused as they already had been hanging out with me for months)...it was hard to choose whether to laugh or be offended...to an outside party it must have looked like child abduction! Its been 50000 pages of drama since.

Point is, as much as you want to take the high road, if this woman has so much venom it will really do you no good you'll only stress yourself out and make your life more difficult. You'll breathe easier keeping her 'out of sight out of mind'. Focus on being a good SM and stay as far away from BM as possible and good luck!

I reread your OP, paloma, and don't think you or BF have to worry about BM withholding the child if she's such a workaholic. It sounds like she wouldn't last long, the BM that is, taking care of the girl if all she's doing now is putting her to bed and waking her in the morning. How old is the little girl?

It also seems that the BM is more curious with what you look like and used safety as an excuse to "inspect" you. I'm just curious though how you've dated BF for two years and have never come in contact with her. Lucky you!

I have never met my H's current wife, and I have seen her only once. I doubt if I would recognize her, or if she would recognize me. Of course I am not sure she would recognize all of my younger children either, and she has never laid eyes on the older ones.

Paloma, while being "proactive" is good with some things, it's not always the best course of action in a stepfamily situation. I would be willing to guarantee that the more assertive an on-point you become, the more the BM is going to high tail it in the other direction--and there is NOTHING good to become of it.

You do not need to meet her. You need not even speak to her. Who CARES what she thinks about you. The child-withholding issue does not belong to you and it is not a problem that you can solve. You putting yourself in the middle of it is only going to exacerbate the situation, not resolve it.

Being a stepmother is full of things JUST LIKE this. Some of us have a better relationship with our stepchildren's mother than others, and even in those relationships, it is NOT required that you be buddy/buddy or even friendly. Keep your focus. This woman is not important to you and your presence only causes stress for the children. Making yourself scarce when it comes to her would be a good idea. Not fair? Nope. Not convenient sometimes? Nope. But truthfully, it isn't about you and what you think or feel or want means nothing. The important thing is the children and what is best for them.

I would no sooner add stress to my stepkids' life than poke my eyes out with a fork. They don't need it and they don't deserve it. Making things the best that it can be for them is the goal--and sometimes that means getting your toes stomped on. It's the nature of the beast. If self-sacrifice isn't your thing, then neither is being a stepmother.

Again I don't understand how more BM and SM do not try to get along for the sake of the children. I don't see meeting the ex that big of a deal, so what she is curious and wants to see what paloma looks like, she sizing up the "competition". Up until this point she probably thought of you as just a girl friend they come and go, who cares kind of attitude. Now you two are moving in together that makes this relationship "serious" and that in her eyes merits some curiosity. I had no problem meet my DH's ex, but drew the line when she said she wouldn't let my SD over to our house unless she could come over and see if my house was clean and safe for her daughter. I made it a point that this is my house and she would not invade my privacy, I am a mother I have OCD, there is no doubt that my house is always CLEAN. I told this to my DH not to BM, he simply just told her no. If there was a problem she could take it up with court and let them decide.

Paloma, get it done get it over with. Let her ask you the questions, answer the one's you see fit to be answered. Keep the peace in your life, let her have her moment of upper handedness but like you said this is her one chance. Bite your tongue, do what it is she wants but only this one time. Your BF needs to probably make that super clear to her, this is a one time event it wont be a repeat occurrence. As for hold the child "hostage" lol that's funny especially if your BF has a court ordered visitation, does she realize that first time she does that she is in contempt and could be fined or spend some time in jail?

You know I met my DS SM before his father and her took him off together for the first time. That was actually her decision, to make me comfortable knowing that I wasn't sending my son off with a complete stranger. That made me respect her so much more right off the bat. But the difference between us was they were married for over a year before we met but were Afghanistan the whole time in war. Not like we had an opportunity.

Just give her this one time, that's all it takes. 15 minutes to 30 minutes of your day to make a little peace in your life. Is it really so much to ask, besides your being the bigger women. If you say no, and I am sure she's hoping you back out she can just use that to her advantage.

Just my opinion.

You don't owe the BM anything. Your loyalty lies with your bf and his daughter. You are right by being civil and that will make things easier for all of you. However, you don't want to become a doormat for BM.

I was very kind and considerate to my skids BM and not for her sake but for my DH and skids. It didn't matter she is who she is. Also, I wanted to be able to hold my head up and look in the mirror without being ashamed of my actions. Well, I am now detached as much as possible from BM. I refuse to talk to her unless my skids hand me the phone or they are standing there when she approaches me. I do this for THEM not HER. I suffered alot of verbal abuse from her and it was her cheating that ended the marriage between her and my DH. I had nothing to do with the breakup.

She took my generosity in the beginning as a sign that she could use and verbally abuse me when she felt like it. I wouldn't allow that kind of treatment from anybody else in my life so why would I allow my DH's ex to treat me like that? People only get away with what you allow them to.

I had assured BM that I would never try to take her place and that I am only one more person in their lives to love them. I also reminded her that she should trust the kids' father enough to know that he loves them and would never bring anybody in their life that wasn't good enough.

BM is obviously jealous of your relationship and probably also feels more threatened that you might take her place in her daughters eyes as well because you are moving in together. I guess in my opinion I would remain civil but not to the point where BM tries to control you and your BF. I agree with the poster that stated that if BM is such a workaholic that she won't be holding visitation over your heads.

Thank you everyone! Reading your advice this really re-affirmed my intitial stance on the whole situation. It really helped to see that there are others like you ouy there that had to face this challenge and remain dignified and true to yourself.
Well, I met the BM yesterday. It was absolutely counter productive. All it did is made me relize what people mean when they talk about a so called toxic person.
This was not a conversation. She started off by not even saying hello, I had to intoduce myself and extend my arm for a handshake. Then she proceeded to spend a large chunk of time in the cafe's bathroom, while we waited.
Then she started asking questions about me in third person addressed to my bf. This is when I stepped in and asked to communicate to me directly since I am sitting right here.
She spend the next 15 minutes talking about all kinds of communication issues she has with my bf, weering off into crazy irrevelant (to the converstation) tangents.
I had to cut in (there was no room otherwise to talk) and politely asked her to discuss what she proposed to discuss in the first place, that is "figuring out everyone'r role in the childs life". Of course she kept spewing her assumtions suspitions etc. She tried to tell us that we should not talk about her infront of the child. Any normal human being would avoid burdening a five year old with adult conflicts and negativity, but she just learned this in a book and she said we needed to read it. Ha-ha. The child has communicated to me a number of times how her mom talk ill of me (you can tell this worrie her little mind) and I always reply: "it's ok honey, don't worry about it. So, it's ironic.
She also went back and forth about how she doesn't give a crap about who I am then the next sentence she would say that she needed to know who I am. So, I told her that I felt unclear about what she wanted excatly. I told her this was her first and last opportunity to ask things about me. Then she called me antogonistic. Then she declared that she made a decision to withold the child until she makes an inspection next week. Then she started to ramble on about how she wanted to be a happy person etc...that's when I started wrapping up my stuff and indicated I had to go.

I had to take a shower after the whole thing. One thing I learned today is that there is no way of dealing with a person like that. The only thing is to go on with your own life and your indifference to the toxic person will make them crazy. One goal I have set for myself is to never even reach a fraction of this kind of unhappiness and ridiculus attempt to control the uncontrollable. I see it so clearly now...