As a parent of a teenager with adhd I totally sympathize with you! Its not easy when its your own biological child...dealing with a stepchild like that is even harder!! We don't medicate, which makes things more difficult. I used to be against counseling, but we finally tried it because I was nearly to your point and it was my biological child! It was not a quick fix, but over the last year being in counseling has improved things a lot. The counselor (actually psychologist) meets with me and my son and he talks to him about whats going on and gives him imput. He also talks to me alone and gives me strategies to use at home to help deal with some behaviors and change others. One thing I can say is that with a kid with ADHD you can not pick them apart. Pick a behavior or two you really want to change and start with those. Some things you really have to let go. Remember that ADHD keeps them from processing everything. So sometimes when you are repeating things over and over again and getting frustrated they really didn't even hear you because they were focused on something else you said or something else that was going on. Give simple directions and never more than one direction at a time. Give lots of praise, but make it meaningful. And try to keep your patience.

Personally, I think it was a mistake for your husband to call his ex. We've dealt with this for two years now, SD goes to her mom's and tells mom 'stuff' and mom calls dad up, yelling & ranting at him.. not 'discussing' as reasonable parents should. From your post, it sounds as if he didn't call when he was calm & reasonable, he was upset. She responded with anger or defensiveness, which is not going to resolve any conflict or resolve the problem he hopefully wants to resolve. (and my SD has also been sitting next to her mom when mom calls dad to yell at him and she'll be crying and begging mom to stop... then I'm sure she feels this is all her fault. Not a good position for a kid to be in.) Kids will play up the parts of a story they know mom or dad will react to and the truth is, there isn't much you can do about what mom did. Unless there is a bruise of other evidence of abuse, involving CPS on a one time incident is going to subject the child to further trauma... if it's an ongoing problem, then maybe intervention would be appropriate but it sounds to me like mom was stressed out and reaching out to dad for help by calling him. When she called to say she was going to hit him, what did dad say to her? Did he offer to take the child since she was obviously stressed out? I think one resolution would be to give mom help with reducing stress, which may be more time at dad's and maybe the parenting classes or counseling to help her deal with problems. I don't think it would help to call CPS or file to take her child away from her if she is otherwise a reasonable parent that just had a bad day. Last year, I was put in the position of being accused of hitting my SD. She wanted her mom's attention so she told her mom that I hit her all the time. Her mom called CPS on us claiming my 18 year old daughter grabbed SD by the arm, dislocating her arm. All of it was untrue, nobody has ever hit or grabbed SD in our home and CPS closed the case because it was an obvious lie, but the point is that it put my SD through additional turmoil of us having to take her to the doctor to be examined and she was pulled out of class at school to be interviewed... and all the time, she knew this was because she told her mom that I had hit her.. which was made worse for her because she knew it was a lie. I don't think she realized what a big deal it would become. and it's no picnic to be falsely accused of abusing a child!

How sad and ugly that something which should be such a bonding experience (child taking over the torch for parent's business), especially at this time with Dad having cancer, should turn into basically a hostile takeover... It may be too late (depending on the personalities involved & communication skills), but I'm wondering if Dad can have a one-on-one heart-to-heart with his son, simply asking him what has happened (in son's perception) to create such a competitive and exploitative relationship between the two of them. If Dad can convey that it is safe for son to share his real thoughts and feelings without Dad's judgement, invalidation or rejection, it just might get to the core of the matter, be a real learning/healing experience for both of them and begin a process of a better relationship. Then again, it might not. Son may simply have hardened into a selfish person who just wants to browbeat Dad and doesn't want to compromise. Or Dad may be too defensive or otherwise have some blockage to hearing what son may have to say and reject him. Maybe it's nobody's fault but the situation is just one that isn't easily fixed (often the case in post-divorce/blended family circumstances). In any event, now that Dad is up to working again, tools that are his property should be given back, period. Before I'd call the cops, though, if I were Dad I'd at least tell son with civility: "Look, I'm back in business and I need my tools. When will you have them to me?" and if son indicates he's not planning on returning them, Dad can THEN say: "How would you like to work this out, then, with me getting my tools back? Would you rather buy me brand new tools with the big profits you've made? Or would you rather spend the money on court costs if I have to sue my own son for them? Maybe I can take the cost of them out of your inheritance, if I still feel like leaving you one. Your choice, I'm trying to be fair and give you options but you're not going to be able to just take my tools from me."

"his ex hates my husband she is not sad they they are not together. She likes to cause trouble though." I didn't mean that she is pining away for him, but you said, "My husband was fooling around with the mother of his other child for years on top of everything to start off. I stayed with my husband because I believe in love and 2nd chances." & I thought you are saying that he was fooling around with the mother of this 8 year old & if he was doing that while he was seeing you, then yes this child saw his parents 'together' at least in some way, unless they were so sly that they hid it from their own child. And even if the mother hates him & is not sad, that does not mean she does not let her son know how angry she is (anger is also a feeling that is much easier to express than hurt, so who knows if she truly hates him or is hurt he finally ended it with her and married you) but I'm sure the child picks up on those feelings because children are little sponges & know more than most people give them credit for. If mommy is angry all the time at daddy, of course it's going to affect how he feels about daddy's house & the new wife, baby, etc. "I think that it's good to be proactive and encourage my stepson to be nice to my son. I don't try to force it upon him. To me to encourage him to love his brother should be a good thing. I agree that yes he is eight and may be frustrated which is understandable. I just don't think that it should be ok that he takes it out on my 2 year old son. If their our any mothers out there you know how you are protective over your children no matter who it might be. If it was my neice , my friend son. I would not stand them to be nasty to my children." If you want to protect your 2 year old, then never allow the 8 year old to be alone with him. It's THAT simple. If dad refuses to acknowledge the problem, then it rests with YOU to protect the baby & make sure he's always in your sight when big brother is around. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a happy little family, but if he (the 8 year old) does not want that, it is going to backfire to force it. I believe he does know right from wrong & he has anger, resentment issues... maybe from how his mother expresses, directly or inadvertently. He is manipulative if he changes face when dad comes around the corner & I agree with Sylvia that is a dangerous child that does that. (reminiscent of "the good son") Lovehadley has a great point that leaving is probably not the best idea since the child only comes over every other weekend and leaving could place the younger child in jeopardy when he would visit. The bottom line is that unless mom & dad are willing to work together to find out why their son is so aggressive & deal with it, then the only solution is to never allow your baby to alone with him. Yes, he was part of the package as you & your kids were part of a package, but YOU and your DH accepted each other's package... the kids don't get a choice. He didn't choose the package so how can you expect him to accept you as you've accepted him. You are the adult.