I understand from what I read here and there that my role in this is to be the "bad guy" they are the victims, and mom is the enabler If you've read enough to understand this, then you know that the only escape from this drama triangle is for the "bad guy" to exit it. This doesn't mean you leave the house, but it does mean that you begin to speak your truth in a non-judging way, you draw boundaries and you calmly make clear what is not acceptable to you. Just by being aware of the dysfunction is the first step. The next step is to create some distance between yourself and the situation so you can clearly identify the role that each player is playing. You observe the situation, the players (including yourself) and the interactions from a certain distance. It's helpful to work this through with a therapist, but if you have a friend who can hear you without judging, that's useful too. There's no way out of the dysfunction without some amount of pain. People will cling to their roles, no matter how destructive they are, because it's what they know. Taking an honest look at one's life, if it's never been done before, is terrifying. But look at the alternative: more drama, more dysfunction, the cycle repeating through all future interactions with people. I think for your own health you need to come to terms with your family's situation, look at your own role in it, and make the changes you need in order to stop this cycle for you. May you find peace. Here is a link that might be useful: The Drama Triangle

"his ex hates my husband she is not sad they they are not together. She likes to cause trouble though." I didn't mean that she is pining away for him, but you said, "My husband was fooling around with the mother of his other child for years on top of everything to start off. I stayed with my husband because I believe in love and 2nd chances." & I thought you are saying that he was fooling around with the mother of this 8 year old & if he was doing that while he was seeing you, then yes this child saw his parents 'together' at least in some way, unless they were so sly that they hid it from their own child. And even if the mother hates him & is not sad, that does not mean she does not let her son know how angry she is (anger is also a feeling that is much easier to express than hurt, so who knows if she truly hates him or is hurt he finally ended it with her and married you) but I'm sure the child picks up on those feelings because children are little sponges & know more than most people give them credit for. If mommy is angry all the time at daddy, of course it's going to affect how he feels about daddy's house & the new wife, baby, etc. "I think that it's good to be proactive and encourage my stepson to be nice to my son. I don't try to force it upon him. To me to encourage him to love his brother should be a good thing. I agree that yes he is eight and may be frustrated which is understandable. I just don't think that it should be ok that he takes it out on my 2 year old son. If their our any mothers out there you know how you are protective over your children no matter who it might be. If it was my neice , my friend son. I would not stand them to be nasty to my children." If you want to protect your 2 year old, then never allow the 8 year old to be alone with him. It's THAT simple. If dad refuses to acknowledge the problem, then it rests with YOU to protect the baby & make sure he's always in your sight when big brother is around. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a happy little family, but if he (the 8 year old) does not want that, it is going to backfire to force it. I believe he does know right from wrong & he has anger, resentment issues... maybe from how his mother expresses, directly or inadvertently. He is manipulative if he changes face when dad comes around the corner & I agree with Sylvia that is a dangerous child that does that. (reminiscent of "the good son") Lovehadley has a great point that leaving is probably not the best idea since the child only comes over every other weekend and leaving could place the younger child in jeopardy when he would visit. The bottom line is that unless mom & dad are willing to work together to find out why their son is so aggressive & deal with it, then the only solution is to never allow your baby to alone with him. Yes, he was part of the package as you & your kids were part of a package, but YOU and your DH accepted each other's package... the kids don't get a choice. He didn't choose the package so how can you expect him to accept you as you've accepted him. You are the adult.

Me again. I'm sure this will be long. So, if anyone's up to reading and posting, I appreciate your input. Telling me if we're being stupid and there's a better way is appreciated. I think I was just tired last night and not posting this really well. But, I couldn't sleep cause I'm so upset about SS "calling Dad's bluff" about lying having consequences. We're not wanting to divide the kids against each other. This latest lying problem was several emails between Dad and SS teachers this week about school projects and normal homework. DH was being specific when on videoconference with SS 3 times this week asking if things were done or what was left to do, etc. SS kept insisting all parts of work were done AND work was turned in on time. Teacher was emailing DH meanwhile saying "NO the project was NOT turned in til 5 days later, and SS was giving her and DH doubletalk. And, she said the other social studies stuff was incomplete because according to SS he didn't have crayons, etc supplies. DH sent him stuff for school (crayons, etc.) and regardless, if he "ran out" of something he should have to DH "I can't, don't have crayons, calculator, etc." NOT "yeah, Dad everything's totally complete and ready to turn in Friday." As far a punishing the kids, here's why we're so upset. DH wants the consequence for lying to SS to be that we're not going to go out and do the extra stuff "besides xmas eve and day stuff" (ex. going to the movies once or twice this week, hanging out at the 4h center for the christmas lights, going out with friends and cousins to skate or chuck e. cheese type stuff, kids museum in town etc. (cause they're all off public school this week.) I agree because it's similar to what we give all the kids. But, this time it's going to be the worst timing we've had and it's the worst one I think for SS and the other kids cause it's basically all Christmas week and they're all looking forward to stuff. In the past, we've really kept cancelling stuff to an absolute minimum and some of our kids were so little that with naps and stuff we just generally didn't go out a lot of "all day" fun. Most activities were a couple hours here or there. Our youngest now is almost three and SS is the oldest 12, so more recently we've been able to do A LOT more stuff. EX. this summer we got a poolpass for the park and could go because enough of the kids could swim without help for me to handle alone when DH was at work. The money thing comes into play because we don't always have enough to go do stuff both when SS is here and not here. The kids all love doing stuff together. For example when they all want to see a movie together, our kids will wait to see it until he's here. He usually sees the movies already with BM, but it's fun to wait and see how much a kick they all get out of doing something together. So this past Thanksgiving when he was here, we all had a blast, because we had so much stuff they all wanted to do together and we'd saved the money for it. We did 2-3 special things together everyday. (ate at favorite restaurants, santa pictures, saw movies they all picked, went to circus, etc.). Right before he left, we got a big packet in the mail from his teachers. It was filled with copies of a bunch of failed tests and examples of incomplete school/homework that was contradicting SS saying he'd only failed one test and had kept up with all his assignments, etc. His Dad sat him down and had a big talk about honesty and asking if he needed more school supplies (said no, but we sent extras home anyway). And, we both had him explain to us "how" he was studying for all subjects, so we could make suggestions about other ways to study math, spelling, etc, that he could try to see if they helped him learn more. Then, he went home. For the last month, DH has made a point (more than before) of asking him about test scores, assgnments teacher tells us are coming up due, etc, to see where SS at with school. Last night, we got the last email, and the teacher was flaming mad at SS for the lack of effort and the double-talk lying he's now been caught in --again. She says it's all absolutely unacceptable and he's the only kid doing this and it's happening almost constantly in class and for homework. She says he not rude, he just doesn't care or try. So, DH says for now we're stuck because we can't force stuff like "from now on everyday after school do your homework right away, and show Dad all the papers each night and the tests you bring home, etc" because he doesn't live with us and we're in another state. Even his teachers are so fed up with him that they've said since they have so many students and SS won't try or be honest, they'll just "do what they can" to tell us assignments and test scores. (It means we been getting spotty info but not everyday updates and they're to busy to offer more.) So, DH says that at least he's going to show SS there's a consequence for lying to him. And, that's what not doing extra stuff this week is supposed to be about. The reason it's going to affect ALL the kids is because, I'm not going to leave SS alone at home to take the other kids out. They're going to have to miss some stuff (playdates) and do other stuff later (movies after SS goes), etc. And, I told DH that I can't just have SS sit in his room "grounded" all week. DH said fine, but we should take away TV and stuff, and that will affect all of us. And, the teacher told us SS needs to learn some specific math stuff and catch up on reading, so DH said to just keep homeschooling all of them so it's quiet. Can't send the others outside for hours a day in this weather, and our immediate family is two hours away, so the visits are all day events, I can't just drop off the others and go home with SS. So, the kids are not getting this week off school. DH said maybe we'll take next week off for them. Normally, our other kids don't feel slighted when one of them is busted and we lose TV or something for a few days. But, they're getting older now, and this is a special holiday week. And, in the past we've talked with them a lot to not "take it out on each other" if they get mad that family plans have changed because of a consequence. But, this time the older ones are more upset than before. DH and I said sorry, but we didn't know what else to do. And, our older kids said they'd feel more slighted if they saw we just did nothing about the lying than if they had to miss/delay stuff due to SS punishment, because they know they'd totally be busted if it were them. DH and I are so stressed about the mess SS is in at school, that we just didn't put a lot of effort into "smoothing things over between the kids". We figured that they're getting older now, so maybe we should be letting them tell SS his actions aren't fair for how they affect everyone else. Our kids already do that to each other. (Ex. if the kids make a huge mess right before we're going out to the drive-in, I've been known to cancel it, because the movies started before they were done helping clean it up. We let our kids tell each other they're disappointed with the kid that skipped picking up and made a bigger mess instead.) But, this is really the first time something big has happened with SS consequence affecting plans like this. Maybe seeing how lying doesn't accomplish fixing school problems because it messes up more than his relationship with his Dad will get through to him? I don't know. I was an only child so sometimes what's best with the sibling stuff is a mystery to me. But, DH and I are good about really working together for parenting. And, I do really feel lost about what are the long term consequences. Maybe this is a really bad idea, or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But, we really do want the kids to all grow up loving each other and not even feeling like half-siblings. I wrote on here last night, because DH and I are questioning where the line is in watching SS lie repeatedly about the self-destructive thing he has going on with his schoolwork especially now that he's about to go on to middle school. We want to do the best thing to help him succeed, and to keep the family happy, and to be a good-fair example for the younger kids (no double standard stuff if we can help it). But, that's a fine line for us always, because he has BM and his dad at different households, and they have very different parenting styles. They're two totally different people. And, I truly feel lost at this point. We've done a good job so far I think. They're ALL good kids, but we want to do our best to help them learn so they become good, happy adults. But, being the step-mom and an only child and knowing SS actions are now leading to more serious consequences for himself at school and that it's all rapidly erasing the trust he has from us, is why I posted to you all. I've got to go pick SS up now. I hope this makes sense to some of you, so you can tell me what you think. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was so wound up trying to think of what else we could do and hoping that SS and DH can actually have a really good talk and accomplish something this week and not just argue or have a big talk like the one at Thanksgiving produce ZERO better results. I'll check back here later. And, thanks you guys, even for the stuff you were critical of me for. I appreciate you being honest with me, cause I'd rather have another adult parent tell me there ideas or what they see, so I can see other perspectives than what's rattling around in my head. I'd rather do the best things for all the kids---even when I'm not clever enough to think fast and have all the answers about what will really help them all with family problems. Merry Christmas. PS. You guys are totally right that the money thing is an issue for us. But, it's because it really does affect for my SS his expectaions in life and his perspective on things. And, it's affected our ability for ten years to stop useless painful lawsuits involving him. It is what it is. We don't try and hold it again him. That's dumb. There's nothing wrong with them having more money than us, EXCEPT for the ways that we've seen it affect how he treats people. It's affected his friendships, etc. when other kids feel he's spoiled and he's needed help to learn how to get along with friends at different points in growing up when other kids have felt intimidated by not having "cool stuff" or declining to go places with him because their parents couldn't afford to participate. He's learned a lot from us not having a lot, because I can see how he's grown more sensitive to other kids and learned that he doesn't need to "go someplace" to impress or have friends. I think DH deseres a lot of credit for helping SS see that other kids will love hanging with him doing cheap free stuff, because SS is a blast to be with WITHOUT needing Disneylands, or the latest videogame machines and stuff. I truly think that's stuff he learned from us NOT his BM.

I have read Marmies story and can sympathise. I have a slightly similar situation, although I don't have my own kids. I have to add that I worry about having children with my partner because of the brother my child will have, I also understand the dislike, it can't be helped he's not your child afteralll and I applaud your honesty. It's hard to come out and say but being honest with yourself is the first step to solving the problem. His father and natural mother have allot to answer for, this boy clearly is not getting the support he needs. I consider your best course of action to kick the fathers butt !! The boy firstly needs to seek professional help for the bed wetting. In our situation my as is encouraged to drink plenty of water during the day but no fluids 2 hours before bed time and no diuretics in the afternoon (black currant juice, caffine, etc) this has to be supported by the mother but if you explain it to the child and that this course of action will help he may continue to follow instructions when at his mothers. The next is diet. I don't care who disagrees, the correlation between ADHD and diet is incontrovertible to my mind. Cut out all unnatural food. You can gradually reintroduce natural sweets and chocolate (actual real chocolate not American chemical filled brown nonsense) you WILL be able to identify which foods he reacts negatively too ( look for redness in the skin, increased tics, inability to hold prolonged eye contact, not having full control of what he's saying, unable to hold a conversation or listen ) the reaction can be subltle so you will need to pay attention. Make time for him, talk to him about what interests him. Inspire him to be a better person, talk about socialisation, the importance of respecting people and the joy of finding friends. A professional can help and given that he's from a broken home this is something you can hopefully discuss with his school. If the support isn't there for him, consider changing schools. Remember that this is your children's brother and that they love him. Try to see him through their eyes, not yours. Think about how much time they will spend with your kids in the future.. So your gonna want to know who this boy is and have an influence on who he will become, so consider that when your finding it hard to be around him. Grizz it out for your own kids sake, it is hard, it will be hard, no one said it would be easy but it WILL be worth it, you can help turn this boys life around, what a wonderful position to be in! And all those who say "it's your choice you knew he had a kid bla bla bla" hang them we all make choices that are hard but we retain the right to ask for help or have the occasional whine about it doll, best of luck to you x