I'm a BM but my son has never had a step-mom only S-father in DH, so I don't know how to respond except if he did have a step mom as a young child I would just hope she be loving and supportive, communicative with me and well, parent him when he was with her. As a adult if he were to get a new SM, I would hope she be a really good friend to him and whatever HE is comfortable with.

A lot of things that have happened here with some of you that have younger kids or very involved BM's I just haven't experienced, if anything SS's mother has been rather underinvolved in their lives-works for me-though I'm sure rather painful for them. She seems like a very non-maternal person but with g-son totally the opposite, she's a wonderful grandmother.

I often wondered what she thought my role should be here as the boys were teens when we married-but she seemed alawys perfectly content to have me handle even the biggies-medical care, school, learning to drive, etc & I called everytime to keep her informed and would always get a "Ok, thank you so much for taking care of that!" That was it, and never any follow up. Must have been hurtful to the boys & I think most definately changed their adult relationships with women.

I'm just speculating though because I've only had the experience with DH being a SD to DS during his teen yr.s and it was very negative. They now operate as distant acquaintences if even and that works fine for DS & DH. Though I continue to feel resentful over it, DS is way over it.

I think the main problems in most (but not all) Step relationships is not the step-child & step-parent but rather the step/bio parents and how that trickles down to the kids..Like I said though I have only had two negative and many positive experiences with kids BM in my entire marriage, so I don't have much to go on here as my experience here has been rather bizarre.

I think the same question regarding Stepfathers should be posted on another thread, it would be interesting to compare results, ie; discipline, father role vs. mother role, male issues & problems with SD vs. BD..

Sorry didn't mean to hijack, I find this a VERY interesting question!

~Cat

I am a BM as well as a stepmom.

My ex had a girlfriend for several years. At first, she was very threatened by me and was overtly rude. Needless to say, I didn't warm up to her much and we never became friendly. However, over the years, I grew to really appreciate her and, now that she's gone, I miss her.

The ex girlfriend was an organized and careful parent and I appreciated the care that she took of my daughter during the access weekends. When the girlfriend was around, my daughter came home well rested and clean. She'd been taken to her weekend activities (on time!). Also, ex girlfriend used to read to my daughter and sent a very good book into the school on the day that my daughter was scheduled to read to the class.

The ex-girlfriend had a daughter of her own and the child was well mannered and kind to my daughter. I appreciated that my daughter was treated like one of the family. She always enjoyed visits there.

I guess I never expected the ex-girlfriend to take on the role of caregiver, but I was glad that she did because my ex is a careless parent. If I could have changed anything, it would have been her attitude towards me, which was hostile.

My son had a stepmom. She didn't like me but she treated my son well (according to him) and I think it was good for him that when he was at his father's house, she did everything a mom would do for their child. It was my opinion then that his father was a piece of crap (still is) and as much as her & I didn't like each other, I sucked it up and kept my mouth shut because she did treat my son well. It would have been horrible for my son to have to go there and have her take out on him, anger she had toward me, so I never did anything to give her a reason to. (of course, I'm not sure she would have been cruel enough to take it out on a child, but nevertheless I wasn't going to take that chance) I knew my son loved me, I am his mom, he loves me and no matter how much she did for him, as long as I was involved in his life and being his mom, he wasn't going to forget that. All I cared about that my son was happy and well taken care of no matter where he was. [His dad eventually spent time in prison, his wife divorced him & there was some domestic violence involved later... as well as substance abuse. Not sure in what order but my son was no longer seeing him when that was going on]

My kids now have a stepfather (my husband) and since my kids were in their late teens when we married, he didn't have a hand in raising them. It's been a tough adjustment to both him and the kids, because they do thing differently and they have no sort of 'bond'. My oldest moved out and is friendly with my husband when he visits, but he also doesn't have to live here under our rules. My middle son resents my husband being here but recently has had a better attitude. My husband keeps his distance and lets me handle things, but my son believes that even though it's me telling him to do something, that my husband is 'making' me tell him. That's not true. Nobody 'makes' me do anything! My daughter is the youngest and gets along great with my husband. They had more of a friendship from the beginning but my daughter says she thinks of him as a dad. She doesn't do much to cause either of us to get after her... she cleans without being told, she is respectful & responsible. Our biggest complaint is loud music in the middle of the night that wakes us up. But, either one of us can tell her to turn it down and she's okay with it. If my husband tells my son to turn it down, he's met with a 'screw you' attitude, so I am the one that deals with my son.

I think when kids are older the stepparent role should be what they make it. It can range from staying out of each other's way to being friendly, to feeling like a parent-child. It is dependent on what the child is receptive to and how much the stepparent is willing too. That would also go at any age, the stepparent's relationship with the child should be independent of the parent's. It's up to the child and stepparent to forge their own relationship with each other. If the child is not receptive to the stepparent, the stepparent should back off and let the parent take over. However, in some situations the parent is not always available and the stepparent is the one that has to handle things. (such as when a custodial parent is at work) I'd agree that if a NCP is working a lot during visitation time & leaving care to a stepparent on EOW, the visitation schedule might be adjusted if it's an ongoing thing. Once in a while is not a big deal.

I am a stepmom as well. Neither my husband (nor his ex) can define my relationship with their daughter. Her mom can pitch a fit because we get along and she's jealous or insecure in her role as a mom, but how I feel about my stepdaughter and how she feels about me are feelings that belong to us. Her mom's fits are going to create conflict within her daughter because she cares about me and her mom gets upset over that, then she distances herself from me to please her mom. My stepdaughter is in a constant state of turmoil that her mom is creating. Her daughter lives with me full time and she knows I am primarily responsible for caring for her daughter, yet she prefers that we don't get along because she feels jealous or insecure? I can understand a mom feeling that way because I am a mom. But, I can't understand a mom that does that to their child because if she succeeds in putting a wedge between me and her daughter, it's her daughter that is going to be unhappy living here. Even if it makes me miserable too, we will both be miserable. I would not want that for MY child.

I am a BM and FSM. Do you want the opinions of just BMs? Because I think that those of us that are both have a different view than those of us that would be solely BMs.

I am not a BM, but I can tell you what A__'s BM told me in a good heart-to-heart we had in the spring:

"I will tell you if you are stepping on my toes, and I want you to tell me if I am being overbearing, because I agree that we need to be comfortable with our boundaries."

"It took me a while to get used to you, because A__ seemed so excited about you, and I was worried he would get attached to you and then you would be gone. But now that I know you are here to stay, I'm glad you two are so close."

"It's so important to me that A__'s dad is with someone who has such a good relationship with A__, that I can put aside any personal jealousies I might have, because I know it's what's best for A__."

"Since you've been around, I've felt more like I'm sending A__ to spend time with his Dad than like I'm sending him to a slightly unreliable babysitter."

"It's nice that we can talk about A__ and try to stay on the same page. I think that's good for him."

"Sometimes I wish A__ would talk to me about the things he'll talk to you about, but I'm happy he talks to someone, and I know you'll keep me in the loop on how he feels and what he says."

So, I know she gets frustrated with me sometimes, and she can frustrate me too... But I think she has a good attitude and wants things to work well for everyone.
I was totally impressed that she admitted that she has some insecurities and jealousies, but that she can get over them.

Ashley, of course those of us that are BM's as well as SM's may have different opinions or views than those that are only BM's, but I can also say that when I wrote most of my post, I as wearing my 'mom' hat. Toward the end, I might have tried on my 'step-mom' hat but it's still my view from my experience of being a mom. Admittedly, my parenting style & views as a parent are not the same as my stepdaughter's mom. But, they are still my views as a mom, not as a step-mom. I was not a step mom until two years ago. My son and I dealt with his step mom over a decade ago so at that time, I was only a mom. I still feel the same today as I did then. No matter where my kids are or who they are with, I want them to be happy. In my opinion, that is what a loving mother wants for their kids. Of course it's only my opinion that allowing my son's step mom to act as a parent when my son was there made my son's life happier than if I had pitched a fit every time she did a 'mom' thing.

I'm very impressed with A__'s mom and those things she told Ceph. Whether or not she's not the kind of mom A__ might deserve, at least she recognizes that A__'s entitled to be loved by Ceph and she's working in his best interest, even if it makes her a bit uncomfortable.

I'm a BM, and my kids have had a SM for about 10 years now. I get along great with the SM, she & I have never had any issues with each other, and have always talked, laughed, etc when we have seen each other/spent time together. SM has never done anything to step on my toes, or interfer with how my x & I have chosen to raise our kids, in fact, if anything, she has made him a better person & father, and I am very grateful for that. I can't think of anything I would change about her, or our relationship.

Dumb question maybe but what does the F mean in SM?

future

ahh thanks that has been buggung me.

Pretty much the same role that the mother of my child's friend would play, or less, unless the woman has already proven a lack of concern for the children's well-being by being TOW. In that case, my preferred role for a current wife of my exH would be to stay completely out of my children's lives.

My exH is perfectly capable of cooking (and he did most of the cooking when they did visit him), reading them stories, playing games with them, and doing laundry for the little ones. He's not so great at making sure their homework is done, showers taken and hair brushed - but that doesn't matter so much if they are only visiting EOW or less. There would be no reason for his wife to have any role whatsoever.

I am a bm and a sm.

With my son my ex has him eow. He has never been married, but has had serious gf's. They were pretty much buddies with my son and it worked well. Sometimes my ex would have the gf's babysit our son when it was his weekend. Once the gf even babysat our son when neither of us could get off work and our son was ill. I have always had good relationships with his gfs.

My dh has a bigger role in our sons life than my ex's gf's do because we have my son all the time. My dh takes on more of a parent role than a friend. He is there for the daily stuff such as homework, chores, etc. so sometimes he even has to be the bad guy and give consequences.

With my stepkids I have more of a mom role because I am with them all the time and their mom lives out of state and rarely calls. She has not even seen the kids in over a year. I know that she resents that the kids look at me as a mom and she resents it even more that the kids call me mom. But IMHO the situation would be different if she would have stepped up to the plate and been a mom to them in the first place. Instead she chose to move thousands of miles away and start a whole new family and rarely keep in touch with the kids.

To be honest it is a hard situation. I love my stepkids as I love my own child. But on the other hand I get angry sometimes that the bm does not take more responsibility for her kids but wants credit for being their mom.

well, DD's SM1 of 10 years was fine (they weren't married though, but does not matter), very much hands off. But DD liked her (maybe exactly because she was hands off), so that was fine. they keep in touch.

her SM2 is almost the same age as DD, so her role is irreleveant, but she is very nice to DD. She is also exceptionally nice to me, asked my advice on few occassions etc. Frankly I do like her a lot. We live very far away so i do not see her that often.

I disagree though about role being of the same as mom of a friend. DD spends a significant time wiht her father, lives wiht him long stretches of time, so it implies that when she lives wiht him she also lives wiht SM, so SM plays a bigger role than just mom of a friend. But i would certainly not want SM to overstep by interfering in educational and medical decisions, those are up to me and X. I would also not tolerate SMs doing any disciplining, that is up to the parents. Not like we ever disciplined much... Luckily neither of 2 SMs overstepped the boudaries.

But I would probably see it all very different if any of SMs would be TOW. Luckily both SMs appeared in DD's life way after I and X got divorced. so no hard feelings.