My boyfriend and I spent the past year getting to know each other, and his 6 year old son was rarely around. Now over the past month, his son has spent every single weekend with us. I don't understand why he's with us every weekend. He was never married to his ex so there are no designated times for him to be with his father. I feel bad for admitting this, but this whole scenario is getting on my nerves. He basically gets together with his ex and they decide where their son will be from week to week. I have no control or say over it. I go from a job Monday-Friday that is barely tolerable to having to play step mom all weekend. I don't live with my boyfriend. We are not engaged. I feel like he's asking a lot of me to spend every weekend with his son. Plus, it irritates me that his ex and him are the ones deciding what my weekends are going to consist of. For whatever reasons, my boyfriend has no door on his bedroom. I told him I am uncomfortable having sex when his son is spending the night because of this reason. He did not care. He acted as if I were crazy and way off base for expressing my discomfort with this. So I feel our sex life now suffers and my boyfriend doesn't seem to care. I am so tired of this relationship. I'm 44 years old. I don't want to deal with young step children and annoying ex's at this point in my life.

As I said on your other post, time to move on. Why are you wasting time on a relationship you're not happy with and is unlikely to change? You don't even have the disincentive of having to physically move. Wish the BF well and tell him to lose your number.

@Goosie77 I so relate to your situation. Not sure how it ended up for you, but I really feel stuck, not knowing what to do. Sigh...

My situation is quite alike and I can also relate to some other cases I've read on comments.

I also spent 7-8 months getting to know my partner before meeting his 2 kids. The kids love me and like me so much, they are affectional when I'm around and Thou I don't like kids and never wanted kids at all we get along quite easily. But I just hate and dislike having a conditionated life because of them. I feel so selfish. But My partner's ex is always changing her weekends with kids affecting us, and my boyfriend does not care about it as kids are his priority. Which I understand. When we are with them I don't know if this is the life I want for me. Actually I've always disliked the idea of 'married with kids' and here you see me... I love my boyfriend so much, cannot think of a better half but damn it! Those kids were just an extra I never ever wanted. Another issue is parenting and education, I cannot stand his parenting style as he seems to be all the time compensating kidz for divorce and they keep claiming attention by crying and constantly complaining that There are times where I really feel like screaming! However I treat them lovingly and with respect but sometimes I don't know if I do it just because of because I don't want to accept and recognize that I don't care about them and that they really get me tired and bother me with their whiny personality.

i just don't know what to do, we have discuss it so many times how I feel ( trying to express my feeling without hurting his) bu I don't know how else to approach the discussion with him.

My biggest fear is that I would never bond with these kids that like me, love me and accept me but that I cannot stand for two hours in a row.

Not sure if anybody will reply back, but I did need to share my feelings.

Step parenting is very hard, and you may or may not bond with them.

You need to look at what kind of life you really want, now and for the future. It seems to me that this just isn't it. Maybe its time to get out of it.

I agree with cacaobird. You already admit that life with children is not what you want and that the current arrangement (which will not change) of uncertainty as to time spent with the children (who your condire whiny and needy) makes you unhappy. This is not the relationship for you. Move on, or everyone will end up miserable.

Wow, i forgot all about this and just stumbled on this thread. Geuss i can update, i moved the hell on and we have shared custody with a very amicable relationship.

I think unless you have kids of your own it is hard to be a step-parent. I am dating someone who has a child and he has joint custody. He feels so bad about his divorce that he over compensates by giving his son everything he wants and buying him stuff all the time. We recently took a trip together for a week and realize afterwards, being a step-mom is not for me. I thought I loved kids but maybe I would feel differently if I had my own. I love my boyfriend but I am not sure if it is strong enough to handle the spoiled child and baby mama drama that is attached to it.

Maybe you should look at things from the kids' perspective for once. They didn't ask you to come into their lives. You chose to. And since you chose to, then maybe you should have gotten to know the kids first before agreeing to marry their father. They didn't ask to be brought into this situation either and I'm quite sure they don't know how to deal with it at all. You agreed to marry this man and then decided I don't really like his kids and now want to complicate things further by adding another child into the mix. You're playing the role of a selfish brat yourself. I'm the victim of a stepmother like you. FYI Kids pick up on people who genuinely like them..of course you are projecting your hatred of the mom on them. And what exactly do you hate her for? Has she done anything to YOU personally? She's angry bc her ex moved on..so what? What does her getting back at him have to do with you? It affects his ability to provide for you correct? If you really cared about anyone else in this scenario you would seek family counseling to see how you could bring the family together not spew hateful rhetoric about the children or their mom.

"She's angry bc her ex moved on..so what? What does her getting back at him have to do with you?" Answer: Plenty. SM is married to this man, and some other woman has her talons out for him with a vengeance. Surely you recognize that if you are in a relationship with someone, any hatred, angst, manipulation, stalking, whatever, directed at that person is going to affect all in the household, including spouse (SM) and any children/ SKs?

Tafgi33, I'm not going to comment much further, because you have a right to your opinion and not everything you said is without merit. But that line is way out of line.

Also, yes, SM chose to marry DH knowing he had children from a previous relationship. However, that is pretty much it. There is very little info. out there for any SM to know what she may be getting into, and step relationships can vary widely. And, becoming a SM certainly doesn't mean you lie down and let your husband, BM and SKs walk all over you. SM is married to dad and her main role is as dad's wife. Perhaps the term dad's wife should be used instead of SM. It more accurately reflects the role.

That question is what does that have to do with the kids. That also comes with the territory. No one goes into a new relationship with a divorced man with kids not knowing there will be a certain amount of hatred on the other female's part. That in and of itself is another type of stress thst you'd have to choose to deal with or not as well. I didn't say she should lie down and take anything. I said she should have taken time to get to know the kids before jumping into this. making a comment like I hate the little girl is ok? Then get out! How is that going to change without at least going to counseling to try and amend the problem. I'm not way out of line bc getting into this marriage was a choice she made. The ex wife took him for as much as she could...Who can't see that see that coming Bc it sounds like they weren't divorced before moving forward with their relationship. I could be wrong but this man was fresh out of a relationship it sounds like. When did the kids have a chance to adjust to the new situation? Did the ex wife have a chance as well? All the hatred directed at her is coming because the break up was still fresh. The onus was on her and him to make the decision to wait. Just speculating, but make no mistake I don't agree with allowing anyone (including kids) to interfere with a home especially when children are involved. My so what was because it has no bearing on how you should treat or feel about the kids. If you can't separate the two then again that's something that should've been discussed before marriage. And no dad's wife is not her main job. She stepped in automatically as dad's wife and stepmother. That's part of the problem. Too many SM think that their role is just to be the wife. How does that work when he's got kids he loves in the household? You didn't just marry a man you married all that comes with him and if you find you can't or don't want to deal with that then DON'T. When you became a wife and then had kids you became a mother in addition to a wife you don't just play the wife bc it's your main role bc the kids suffer.

Also please understand that the issue is not just her. It's also the husband. He needs to set boundaries as well. He won't be able to make up for her jealousy of the little girl. That is something she'll have to seek counseling for. But st the same time he can set aside time for his kids and time for his wife. There is very little she can do about the ex wife taking him through a financial burden, all she can do is wait it out and support him. In the meantime find a way to let the kids know that you are not their enemy. Do what you can to understand how they may be feeling and go to a family counselor so that your feelings don't get in the way of how you treat them. No one said it would be easy but honestly if you feel like you hate his daughter (which research says is jealousy of the love he has for her) then you need to re-evaluate your feelings as well. Don't feel insecure bc he loves his daughter bc it doesn't mean he loves you any less. It's a different kind of love. She doesn't replace you in any way. He has the ability to love you both. The little girl may not understand that but you as an adult should.

Sorry tajgi33, I can't agree with many of your statements.

Some women prefer to see themselves in the role of Dad's wife, because ex-wife makes everyone's life miserable if she tries to be a SM. We've had regular posters here (who were ex-wives) who did just that, and basically stated, new wife shouldn't dare try to play the role of SM.

Some ex-wives (many, from the sound of posters here) will give the new wife hell even if the new relationship stated years after the divorce. It has nothing to do with not coping due to the break up still being fresh and everything to do with "because I can".

And I would say from posts here that very, very few SMs dislike their SDs because of "jealousy of the love [Dad] has for her". IMO it's more a case of daughter being jealous of SM and/or being egged on by ex-wife to be uncooperative and snotty.

Yes, Dad should set boundaries, but too few do in the interests of not rocking the boat.

tajigi, yep. You are oozing the stereotype that it is all SM's fault. Where are you even getting stmts. like this from, "No one goes into a new relationship with a divorced man with kids not knowing there will be a certain amount of hatred on the other female's part." What!? Was the breakup fresh? Who knows. I wouldn't make that assumption. She didn't even meet the kids for seven months, which most, including many professionals would say, is ideal. I'm always amazed at how everyone always THINKS they know better than a SM, even if they have never been a SM or don't have much experience as one.

I'm not sure what you are assuming here. Any hatred a mother has will more than likely be carried onto her children. She hates cheddar cheese, her kids hate cheddar cheese. She hates dad, the children hate dad. She hates SM, the children hate SM, and so on. You are correct, however, that dad should be the one setting boundaries. But as colleenoz said above, if dad is going to act like a pansy, then this more or less forces SM to be the bad guy.

Here is the real issue: The problem is when SMs are routinely expected to sacrifice, compromise, and make room in their lives (and even wallets) for someone else's children. For the most part, society expects them to just keep the home spotless, kiss everyone's butt and stay out of the way. Just put up and shut up. . . for years and years. Children that they had no role in creating or in developing have regular visits in their homes for EOW to full-time. SMs do not get an equal voice in their own home, because they are told over and over that these are kids who didn't ask for this. But, is it ever a good idea for a household to revolve around children's wants, needs and desires above all else? No.

Then, kids become older or adults, and no one expects even basic courtesy or consideration for dad's wife. No one suggests that these growing or now-grown children make peace, or develop better life skills and learn. Nope. They are justified with their anger or bitterness over SM "taking" their dad from them, even though SM and dad didn't get together for some time after the divorce. Why? Because the focus was on acting like the divorce never occurred vs. the focus being on accepting and moving on.

Counseling may help for SM, if anything for her to know what she is really looking at and for her to learn coping skills. But, if BM is carrying on like a deserted banshee months to years after the divorce, no amount of counseling will rid SM of this burden, because SM is not the one with the problem. SKs are not the problem, either. But, SKs will be far more damaged by a BM who continues to rehash and hate and refuses to move on, then they would ever be by an unhappy SM.

First of all you're assuming I'm not. Who told you I wasn't a stepmother? & yes I did state that I was assuming and speculating that he was fresh out of an old relationship. No one said it was her fault!! I specifically stated that if you are entering into a new relationship of course there are things you must anticipate. To think otherwise is just naïveté. It's the reality of the situation.. just because you hate the mom DOES NOT mean your hatred translates to the kids and if it does then what's the point?? Please read carefully before making your own assumptions. I'm also a stepdaughter with a stepmother with all those issues. I've never disrespected her but bc of her jealousy of my mom and my relationship with my dad she despised and mistreated me. I can definitely speak from the heart and say you're doing the kid no favors by staying. Leave if you can't love them or attempt to fix your feelings before stepping in.

Also counseling did not include the ex wife in my statement. I was speaking in terms of the stepmother and her nuclear family. I simply stated you should get to know the kids beforehand and the situation before committing to it. If you can't deal with the kids beforehand what makes you think getting married would make it any better? And guess what? Regular moms sacrifice EVERYDAY!! Single moms even more so. It comes with the territory. Kids take up a LOT time and money so I'm not sure what it is you think people expect from a stepmother that they don't expect from the original. Please don't talk about how difficult it is to be one as of its not different to be a mother as it is. The problem is many stepmothers deem it a burden when it's not their birth children. When was the last time you heard a mom resent the amount of money and time their kids impose on their dad? So because you didn't birth them they are not entitled to be spoiled by their dads? Really?? How would you feel if someone treated you that way when You were a kid?? Would you care what reason they gave you? Or would you accept the fact that she didn't like you because she doesn't like your mom? Then complains every time your dad spent money on you? Like really? Look at life through the kids eyes and try to understand how THEY are feeling bc at the end of the day No this relationship is not only about you and your happily ever after with your man. Again if you think so then don't bother.

I think you need to let this go tajgi33. It is clear you have little clue what you are talking about. You need to do your research. This stmt., "Get to know the kids beforehand and the situation before committing to it." It is not uncommon for all to be okay with everyone, no problems, and just like what happened with goosie above, as soon as some type of further commitment or engagement between dad and SM occurs, things very quickly change. You can get along with SKs and even BM just fine, and then seemingly out of the blue, poof!

And this comment, "I'm not sure what it is you think people expect from a stepmother that they don't expect from the original." Geesh. Pls. reread collenoz's comments above. Most people expect SMs to be family servants, without any love or appreciation or recognition in return. And, many BMs sure as H- don't want SM even remotely trying to act like a mom. Many SMs never receive any thanks, hugs, gifts, nor cards. Meanwhile, SM is expected is cook and clean and wipe bloody noises and so on. Mothers get love and unconditional love. Many times what SMs get in return is resentment, although this is not always the case.

Tajgi33, I'm sorry you had a bad relationship with your SM. And, there definitely are bad SMs out there. Just like there are bad aunts, uncles, dads and moms, there can be bad SMs too. Certainly. BUT, don't group us all together and stereotype us. And don't make assumptions about all SMs based on your one experience, and, I know this is hard, but your dad is not a victim in this, by any means. Unfortunately, he may even try to make it look like SM is the bad guy. But, dad is an adult and free to make whatever decisions he chooses.

Being a SM is a much more complicated case than pretty much anyone realizes, other than a SM. Mom and dad divorce, and issues are going to arise from that divorce. Then, SM or step-dad enters the picture, and they make way too convenient of a scapegoat--much easier to go after non-blood then the true instigators of the offense, so to speak. Way too easy to claim if something isn't going your way that jealous or evil SM is to blame, and in some cases, that may be true. But, in most cases, SM is getting thrown under the bus and put in a position where she can never win. SM acts like a mom, she is resented by BM and SKs. SM doesn't act like a mom, she is resented by DH and SKs. SM marries dad thinking he is her husband and expecting to be treated like his wife, and yet even years later she can't assume that she is going to be seated next to her husband at a wedding or permitted to be in any pictures. Ridiculous.

Divorce is clearly a hell for the kids. I get that. But mom and dad chose to divorce. That was their choice. SM married her husband thinking she was getting a husband and bonus children. And, that does happen sometimes. But, sometimes, manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH means step hell for all.

Right no clue...I'm a child of a stepmother who felt this way and acted this way. You can't get any closer than that. So instead of shunning decent advice try it. I also work with kids in these situations so how about you stop questioning my knowledge and try listening to the other side. No one said anything was perfect but understand the kids don't change like that so that assumption is as asinine as any other argument...and yeah I have done my research...PLENTY of it because of the situation I was in and the need for answers as to why and how these situations occur. Please don't assume anything before asking. As for your comment about a wedding issue..that's not the same as what I was commenting on. I was speaking specifically to the young lady who said the daughter is a brat and she hated her. I said don't go into a marriage if you feel that way about the kids. That is all. The fact that anyone has a problem with that is exactly the problem.

No, tajgi33, what you did was to extrapolate your own experience to make an "all stepmothers" statement. This is called "the assumption of mediocrity" where one assumes that what we experience personally must be the same for everyone. Clearly this cannot be the case, if you stop to think it through.

While many step relationships are unhappy, not all are. And they can change. When my mother remarried I was in my mid teens. I resented the hell out of my step Dad telling me what to do. Then I grew up. When I married, step Dad walked me down the aisle, at my request. After my mother died, I was the one who visited step Dad, helped him, got him into a nursing home when he needed it, ran his errands, organised his funeral and executed his will.

So, your experience is not necessarily going to be the norm for everyone.

Please.. if you've read ANY of the posts in their entirety you'd have seen that THAT was the point from the start. And which is it you want research or not? I clearly stated that I have been a stepchild with a stepmother with that attitude. Again please read carefully before coming for me. I'm not perpetuating anything. Don't hate the child and marry the man. And DONT put words in my mouth. Every situation is different and maybe if you didn't see yourself in her situation then maybe you would understand what I'm saying. SHE is perpetuating the stereotype. I merely responded because I care about the KIDS. Don't make judgments because I've been in my children's shoes and can sympathize. Maybe you can't sympathize because you can only see things from your point of view.

Btw I made some of those comments you made earlier..

And as for me looking inward...please get a grip. You don't come into a child's life and then claim the child is the reason for your unhappiness. I don't have a problem sweetie. I didn't post that I hated the child I merely suggested you stop thinking about yourself and think about the kids. You want to defend something that's indefensible. Maybe you should do some research. I'm not suffering from anything at all except frustration that people can be mad bc someone is sticking up for kids who have no say in what their parents do and then have to suffer the consequences of living with someone who doesn't love them. You don't need to dish out any advice to me bc I wasn't looking for any. I help kids because it's my grace to do so. And in all this noise all you hear is blame the stepmother...I will blame anyone who comes into a kid's life willingly and disrupts their right to grow up happy because the new person doesn't like them.

I'm done, because I'm beginning to question your age and experience. No one is mad at your for sticking up for kids. They are mad at you because you posted really odd stuff like, "No one goes into a new relationship with a divorced man with kids not knowing there will be a certain amount of hatred on the other female's part," and "I'm the victim of a stepmother like you," and "You didn't birth them they are not entitled to be spoiled by their dads? Really?? Or would you accept the fact that she didn't like you because she doesn't like your mom? Then complains every time your dad spent money on you?," and more.

All of this sounds like someone who is grinding their own personal axe and is maybe confused.

By the way, BMs often have difficulty with their own children and may even claim to want to ship them off sometimes or go so far as to state that they hate this or that regarding the child. It doesn't make them Evil BMs and Goosie's stmts. above don't make her Evil SM, disrupting a kid's right to grow up happy..

Right so you marry someone who has an ex and you don't expect there to be hate from the other woman? In this day and age?? Maybe you're not understanding my use of that word is used to describe jealousy, envy..and to any degree.. Nobody called her evil so again please stop putting words in my mouth. Here maybe this may help you since my response is too "childish" for you. https://www.familyeducation.com/life/blended-families/combined-family 

Please. Stop this! No, I don't expect there to be hate from his -ex. I agree there may be. But, I don't expect it. I expect everyone to behave like an adult and behave civilly. Why in the H- would I expect hate from this man's ex- when they divorced years ago? What I would expect is for her to have moved on by then, possibly even now being married herself.

OK, I click on that link and I get this: "This page doesn't exist," although it does say Sandbox Network, Inc. Sandbox Network is an SNS-based global community of young entrepreneurs. Hmm. . . . Would I be a be.atch for saying I rest my case.

And FYI you're absolutely right. When she claimed she hated the little girl it certainly triggered something in me because I know the kind of life they are all headed for. I mean does it really sound like a healthy situation for all involved?? So yeah sometimes your life experiences can shape how you see things, but don't discount the fact that she said she hated the little girl and if I know what it's like to be brought up on that type of situation which is almost uncanny to my own personal situation, you better believe I'm going to encourage her to run the other way. And maybe I ought to question your maturity with comments like even some BM wish they could get rid of their kids...Really? And speaking of axes to grind..I have yet to call the BMa saint but you keep wanting grind that axe..I mean honestly it sounds like that touched a nerve with you. I'm sure the BM is no saint putting everyone through this bc of her resentment, and that's extremely common...even without a new woman in the picture. That's where you miss my point. What is NOT normal is putting yourself in a situation so toxic in addition to admitting not liking the kids.

At no point did goosie77 say she hated the little girl. Goosie77 said: I hate that their existence is ruining the life that I could have had otherwise. I hate that I have to think of them in planning my own future. I hate that I have to deal with their mother for the next 10 years or more until they're adults. I hate that I'm having these thoughts.

Colleenoz is right. You are projecting. Just like Goosie77 is wondering if she is projecting her hatred for their mother onto the kids.

When my ex remarried, I got along very well with his new wife. My daughter did too. My emphasis was always putting my daughter first -- why create stress? We both moved on, and the divorce was a good decision.

Well, I've been in my own house now since August and we're still married. I'm still adjusting to living on my own for the most part. We talk everyday, but only spend a few nights together a week with a sleep over usually at least every Saturday night (with kids too if it is a kid week). I feel more at peace because there is way less chaos in my life, but I have had to adjust to feelings of loneliness at times. It's definitely an adjustment. I actually have more patience with the kids, etc and I think we're in a good place for us. It makes me sad there this is where our marriage is at, but I think there was no other option. I'm not sure if we stay married in the future. We still have struggles with the kids being the center on my husband's universe and me not feeling like a priority. The holidays stir things up for sure. I'm not sure where we go or what the future holds. I know my husband will not change and I have to decide if I want what he gives and offers me. That's my life at this point. It's less chaotic and calmer but an adjustment to living in my own and what path do I take long term.

Good for you! More peace and being in a better place are both good. It does take time to adjust, but you've made good progress.

Thanks. 2017 hasn't been an easy year. I'm hoping 2018 holds more peace and clarity. As I said I'm still not sure where our marriage goes from here. My husband wants to stay married but I'm not sure it's all enough for me. Time will tell I guess. I did find the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie which I have found helpful. I still don't have all of the answers, but I do think I've made progress.

I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for 30 years — a second marriage for both of us, 4 kids between us. We decided early on to surround ourselves with people who support our marriage and let go of the unhealthy relationships, because they are just that — unhealthy. And that includes one of our 4 children, who began our journey as an angry, resentful 18-Year-old and chose to remain as such to this day. The rest of our family is benefitting from the peace and joy that comes to those who choose to make the effort to ensure it all works.

Goosie I COMPLETELY 100% understand what you are feeling! I have been a step mom for 3 years now. I NEVER wanted kids of my own. I also have Adult ADD. I have become so overwhelmed mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually that I am at a breaking point.

Yes, I knew my partner had 2 kids 12 and 15 at the time (now 15 and 19). Yes, it was my choice to continue on. Yes, I take full responsibility for my choice to continue. My problem comes in with the fact I work with kids and LOVE doing it, but living with kids, especially these 2 lazy, disrespectful, ungrateful things...oh that is a whole other ball game.

Never in my life have I seen 2 as bad as this. Mind you they are pretty good kids in the sense that they are not out running around at all hours causing trouble or getting involved with police, doing drugs or any of that. Well at least the 15 year old son isn't and him and I for the most part get along well. But the 19 year old girl, we are like oil and water. They have no discipline. So as a step parent I wasn't going to let them talk to me or my partner any old way, lay around and do nothing but leave a mess for me to clean, or anything like that. I had to lay down the law, which I NEVER wantes to do and shouldn't have been left to do that, EVER! I am not going to allow a child to be a product of this house with those attributes. They are going to be respectful, helpful, and do something in life.

It's been 3 years now and my ADD symptoms are so bad that I have had to seperate rooms from my partner cause even breathing during sleep wakes me and I am up all night to go work the next day. I am also on the verge of leaving.

The 19 year old daughter left for 1 semester of college after graduating H.S. with a 1.860 gpa, starting on academic probation, finishing semester with a 2.0 gpa. Now she is back for the summer just in time for the bad energy to leave the house and just when I was starting to get regulated. What she has brought back is all this horrible negativity, more laziness, and disrespect. I'm about to lose my relationship because my partner doesn't see it or want to admit it and allows her to do whatever. She will always be around and well I refuse to live in such a horrible negative space. So I think my decision to leave to get my PhD was just made up.

Thought it was time for an update. It’s been about a year now since my spouse and I sold our house and moved into two separate houses on opposite sides of town. He moved to be close to kid activities and to try and manage his ex. We’re still married (barely) and have been trying to figure out our new routine. His ex said she wanted to keep the kids in same schools but move to next town over (again less than 10 miles away) because it was cheaper. Long story short, my husband decided to buy a house that is essentially a triplex and have him live on one side, ex in the other and kids in the middle. This is some crazy shit (excuse the language). His family all think it’s crazy but no one will say anything, I have spoken up about it and he is proceeding. I know this man loves me, but he just really can’t see past this crazy situation. This is so unhealthy for all parties involved. He thinks he is doing the right thing because they stay in the same schools (ex has had them moving around and changing schools every couple of year) and that he will be on site all the time with crazy ex. I feel confident that this will not end well. Neither parent can say no to these kids and now they are all back together stewing in the same pot. Seems the ex wife has won and we have come full circle with them essentially back together. I just don’t see the point with this and I’m so sad about that.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry. It sounds like it's time to cut this guy loose. He may love you but sometimes love isn't enough when the person who loves is so dysfunctional.

Sorry to hear! The reality is no mom or dad has any right to be marrying someone else if they are still THAT involved/ enmeshed with their ex-. It just is not right nor fair to ANYONE. It shows you the way some try to manipulate their divorce into having their cake and eating it too. I'm not saying most divorced parents are this way, because they are not. But, yes, some are.

Yes, his child is his child, but I’m sure like every other woman, you married your DH assuming that you would be his wife, his only wife, and his #1 wife. You need to be his #1 wife. There is no polygamy in the US; no sister wives. There is just serial monogamy, and whomever is wife at the current time, is wife. His ex- is his ex. Unless you believe in polygamy, every wife in the US is #1 wife.

But since you are now living away from him, you have time to selfcare and set your priorities how you see fit. The time spent alone will help focus you in the direction you want to take your life. The will allow you to draw on your own natural proactive boundaries instead of continually reacting to negative stimuli. Take care of you first.

I’m sure being gaslighted for months and years in this relationship has taken its toll. Google or bing the term Chronic PTSD. Here is a link below. This may explain much of what you are feeling, or at least some of it. Try to see your situation for what it really is and see a counselor for yourself so you can healthily make whatever decisions you need to make and take care of YOU. Link: https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd/

Any wife wants to and deserves to be on equal footing with her DH, and not just some family's be.atch.

BTW, DH is not choosing to put his child first in this situation, but rather he is choosing to put himself first; as in, he would rather do what he alone sees as easiest. No child benefits from a ½-a$$ divorce or bird-nest parenting or whatever you want to call it. All that does is cause confusion for all, and it allows the parents to screw others (literally and figurately) while they get to play pretend, as in they get to pretend to still be married “for the children’s sake.” What it really is is wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Meanwhile, everyone else is expected to settle for scraps.

Sounds awkward for you. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Now you have to decide what you will and will not tolerate!

Thanks all. This is a place I never thought I would be, but none of this ever was. I agree this is all about him getting what he wants. I don’t even think he views it that way. He thinks he’s providing “stability” for his kids because his ex was considering moving to the next town over (she moves a lot), but really it’s all just crazy. Right now I am just taking care of me and still adjusting to this new life in my own house. But I don’t see how this works out in this scenario. This is reality TV level stuff. And I don’t need all this. It’s already been so much.

And I do see a therapist although I might need a different one to help me move the rest of this forward in what I need to do in my life. I’ve been working a lot this past year in dealing with codependency and such which has been good for me. I’ve been scared to be on my own, but I’m learning how to tackle that so yes, I’m trying to practice self care and take care of me (that’s what got me to buy my own house) and now I’m getting myself ready for the next difficult step. I agree that sometimes love isn’t enough. I’ve been struggling with that one, but he is so dysfunctional and he won’t see a therapist. But I can’t control that, I can only control me and my actions.

I’ve been really doing a lot of thinking. I think I’m going to file for divorce. I just can’t keep doing this. I’m so sad and depressed. So scary starting over. I know I’ll survive this but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. But love isn’t enough. I am settling for scraps here and I want more than that. Maybe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life and that makes me feel so lonely but I don’t think there is any other option.

Good for you! Don’t be afraid of being “alone”, there’s a big difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”. Live your life as _you_ want to, go out where and when you want, do whatever _you_ want to do , eat what and when you want to...the possibilities are endless! Don’t think of this as a scary step down, think of it as opening the door to freedom and better things. Attitude is the key.

And further down the track, if you meet someone else you fancy, be very picky - you deserve someone who has your best interests at heart. No man is better than a bad man, so be selective :-)

Amen to that: "No man is better than a bad man." You are better off by yourself than with the wrong person. He is the wrong person for you because he cannot divorce himself from his ex-. On paper, he may be divorced, but via his actions, he is not. No woman or man should ever be put in the position where they are expected to settle for scraps and give up their soul and happiness for someone else's paper divorce. Marriage was and is meant to be a 2-way and not a 3-way.

I think the thing about divorce and all of this is that I really don’t think I will be able to trust anyone again. I mean I just won’t believe them when they say they love me, etc. I know I’m better off alone than allowing someone to not treat me right and that’s fine I’m adjusting to that way of life as I’ve been living alone the last year, but I still would like to share my life with someone. I know there are good people out there. I think I’ll be very gun shy for a long time after this. I’m working on fixing me, getting myself in a good place where I’m not codependent and feel like I need to be with someone. Does anyone have any tips to share on what helped them out? I would appreciate it.

Hi,

I am new to this forum but reading everyone's comments made me feel so much better about the way I feel. I have been with my fiance for 11 years since his son was 2 years old. His ex is a psychopath, she has tried to kill herself multiple times in front of the child and suffers from bipolar and depression. We have been to court multiple times and everytime her family swoops in to protect her and the child says he wants to stay with his mom. We just got finished wasting $6k on an attorney for family court because she broke up with her boyfriend, went out drinking and got a dwi and then told the cops she was going to kill herself so she spent the weekend handcuffed to a hospital bed. She has manipulated her son into thinking that everything is his father's fault. He is now 13 years old and just called up my fiance to tell him he doesnt want to talk to him or see him anymore, and my fiance is beside himself. We have done so much, he is such a wonderful father, he never says a bad word about his ex to his child and has done everything to try to make up for the stress his mother puts him through and this is how he is repaid. I have spent the past 11 years giving up my weekends to have his son here, we sold our house last year to buy a house in his school district because she couldn't find am apartment I'm the district. We have gone above and beyond, I just can't take anymore. Now I have to see all of the pain my fiance is going through and there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless and deep down in side I'm happy to get a break. I just feel like I have never had a life with my fiance that didn't involve his son and his ex and now I could possibly have a chance but he is so broken over his son. I feel horrible saying this but I dont care if he doesnt come over anymore on the weekends the only reason I care is because it hurts my fiance so badly. I also fear how it will be when his son decides to come back around because I am angry for what he has done to his father and have a lot of resentment. Sometimes I feel like just giving up.

Olivia, it may be better if you start a new post or thread with your question. It can so easily get buried here. But, there are a couple of things I'd advise you: First of all, take care of yourself. It is far too easy with all of the bickering that goes on, and can go on for years, with a divorce involving children, for a SM to either be completely forgotten about or to drop to the bottom of everyones' lists, and this includes your own SO or husband.

Secondly, remember as an SO, your main role is to support your SO. That's it. You don't have to get involved in all of the grisly battles and details and court actions of a nasty divorce or custody battle. That is not your responsibility, and it is especially not your responsibility financially. That is your SO's. You cannot change bio-mom. No one can. And it is a given that a mom who has given birth can be a drug-addicted ho, literally, and she will still be thought of as a loving and fair mother, especially by the court system. Don't ask me why. It doesn't make much sense if the child's welfare is supposed to be the #1 concern. And, that needs to change, but for now it is just the way it is. Meanwhile, dad, and especially SM, can be doing everything they can for that child, and they can still be thought of as co-conspirators who are trying to separate a kind, loving mom! and her little one. How dare they!?

So, since you have probably spent close to 11 years falling to the bottom of just about alls priority lists, I'd suggest you focus on you and possibly redirecting your focus or life. See a counselor, alone, and try to come to some conclusions about whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. I'm not saying leave your fiancé or to not support him. If you chose, you can still do that while you try to find out things for yourself on your own. Just take care that you don't lose yourself in all of this. It is time to learn to let the chips fall where they may in reference to battles that are not yours to fight.

Goodie,

If I could do it all over again, I would never want to have a blended family. There are way too many problems that arise, Jealousy, resentment, anger, Its just not worth it. Things never get better they just get worse. I would get out of the marriage If I were you, you will be much happier in the long run. Good luck!!

How are you doing, frustratedsm? I went through something very similar and just wanted to check on you!!! I wasn't willing to settle for scraps EITHER!!! :-) Let us know.

I am going through very similar. Was very involved with the Kids ,tried so hard was there with them and for them constantly with no appreciation. Bio mom fed them with hatred for years starting when they were so very little :( and it worked. They want to love me I can tell they struggle sometimes there's no reason not to I do everything with and for them however being fed hatred works over time and now no appreciation, no respect ( have been taught they dont have to ) from very spoiled rotten kids and hubby as well so I have decided to disengage and will try this. Completely. It's not my responsibility and I will be involved where I am wanted and needed and that's it period. If I still cant do it I will be leaving it's a horrible life I did expect hard times but really was nieve to believe we would work together through it

Omg do you leave near Chicago lol let's have coffee... I seriously know what your going through 100%. I FEEL alone alot 10 years in and I feel my self thinking I'm ready to call it quits. So Difference here is have 2 step kids who have always lived with us mom is a crazy person who has 2 or more other kids all with different fathers.... not to mention dont pay anything.... anyway.. but we have a child together also. So I stay mainly for her. The step kids have always called me mom. Till she got involved when it was convient. Since then the 2 have been horrible with school, cleanliness, behavior.. so frustrating. I unfourtunetly have not come to terms yet but dont know how much longer I can put my life on hold doing someone elses job. To summarize when I met my husband I was working 2 jobs and in the middle of nursing school well 6 months in figured was more cost effective for me to stay home with kids while he worked and so that's what I did did not relize it would be my future for the next 10 years......

I am with all of you. Same situation for me. Most of our fights are because of the ex and his inability to deal with her or the situation. Saying I hate the ex is an understatement as everything started with her alienating my bf. She even went as far as to get protection orders against us for no reason. She is married with a new kid and still calls my bf every 2 to 3 months wanting him back. I am starting to resent him and his daughter. Am struggling to deal and get over it. Please help....

Hon, you really only have two choices, stay or go.

If you stay, things will either stay the same (possibly even get worse) if you do nothing, or they will improve- but since the impetus for improvement is unlikely in the extreme to come from either your BF or his ex, you are going to need to get up on your hind legs and insist: Either we get counselling and fix this, or I walk. And don't back down.

Or, which ultimately is easier, you move on to a happier life.

You need to sit down and have a good think- what is the likelihood that this situation will improve? Am I willing to put in the work that will be needed? Is this guy really worth that? Is _he_ willing to change? -Because if he isn't, all bets are off and you may as well call it quits now.

No one ever said, Wow, I'm so glad I stayed in that miserable relationship for so many years that I could instead have been on my own and stress free, and possibly even found a happy relationship. So don't hang around waiting for things to get better on their own, either get working on making them better or give it up as a bad joke and get on with living.