Don't know if I can go on like this anymore
Hi ladies, I'm new here, I have been looking for somewhere to voice my frustrations as a stepmother and stumbled across this place. Hope its OK that my first post here is a 'heavy' one.
I am having a very hard time with the whole stepmother gig lately. I willingly went into this relationship with my husband, knowing he had two children and a semi-unstable ex in the picture. When we met, I didn't want kids, and honestly, I didn't really like kids all that much anyways.
We started dating, and everything was wonderful. He waited about 7 months for me to meet the kids, and I wish he hadn't. In that 7 months, I got to know life with HIM and him alone, fall in love, etc. I wasn't able to really see what I was getting into until deep feelings had formed between us. And even when I did meet the kids, he didn't have them all that often, so I didn't get to see any of the 'negatives' of having them around.
We got engaged, and his ex flipped out. To the point where she went on 6 months of stress leave before and after our wedding. We had to warn her that if she showed up at our wedding, she'd be arrested. She decided to drag my husband to court, hired a lawyer and everything, trying to get full custody and move 1000 miles away. She lost, and we won everything we wanted, including joint custody and limiting her from going anywhere outside of the city with the kids, perfect.
Since all the drama has ensued, however, I find myself having an exceedingly difficult time with the kids. I wonder if I'm projecting my hatred for their mother onto the kids, I don't know. The older child is OK, though tends to be sullen and disobedient, but I do like him well enough, and treat him well. The youngest is a whiny spoiled extention of her mother, and she drives me up the wall. I tell myself to be patient, and keep in mind, this is a child, but I just can't bring myself to like her all that much. I am not mean to either kid, ever, but I just don't have any sort of bond with them, and really, I don't care either. I know I SHOULD care, but I don't.
It doesn't help that now, I'm thinking maybe it would be nice to have a child with my husband. He is onboard, and actually pressures me to 'make a decision' because he's never really had a family with his existing kids, and says he'd love to have a child with me. But I can't wrap my head around making a child with a man who has these 2 kids already... with HER.
I find this is consuming a lot of my thoughts, each and every day. I am truly unhappy, and growing angry and resentful inside, because of the kids. I don't know why my feelings are changing, from "the kids are no big deal" to me hating the weekends we have with them. I hate that their existance is ruining the life that I could have had otherwise. I hate that I have to think of them in planning my own future. I hate that I have to deal with their mother for the next 10 years or more until they're adults. I hate that I'm having these thoughts, but I just can't stop myself. I feel like a monster, having these thoughts of resenting the kids and feeling like they've ruined my life, the life I COULD have had, because its not their fault. I know all this, but I can't help it.
I love my husband so much, and wish we could have a happy life together and share all the things a husband and wife should. But I'm honestly starting to wonder if I should just move on, though it would kill me, because I can't deal with his kids.
Has anyone else ever felt this way? How did you come to terms with it, what did you do, are there any ways of me coping with this without ending my marriage?