Unfortuntely Carrie,it is VERY normal for the dad to take the "leave me out of it stance". Although from what I read on a website from a pyschologist,it is the worst thing a bio-dad can do to the step mom and child. It says that,unless the father reinforces things,this will leave way for the "Evil stepmom syndrome" because the stepmom becomes the mean/upset/anxious/unhappy one. You are in a tough spot here,but I honestly think this daughter and these kids would act like this toward any woman their dad decided to marry after their mom died. The dad should tell them that their mom wouldnt have wanted them to be this way.And if he loves you,he NEEDS to stand up for you in some way. Do you make any head way by telling him if it doesnt stop you will leave him? What does he say when you threaten this? I guess the main thing you can hope for is the one daughter moves out.Do you and your husband have any extra money you could throw her way and tell her it's to help her get out there on her own? At 21 she's lucky if you all let her live there at all.That is certainly old enough to get out in the world and start creating her own life.Even if she doesnt get married yet or have kids.She should be hanging with other young women her age and doing things they do not trying to take your place. I dont really know what other advice to give you,because it is sooo important you and your husband be on the same page here.If he says nothing,he is letting his kids run you out of this marriage. There was a time when I had some issues with my step daughter hitting my daughter.My husband didnt want to say anything to his daughter about it either.But I stood my ground and told him that if he didnt,I was leaving and taking our daughter with me.So he finally did...cuz because he knew I was serious. I'am sorry you are finding it to be so hard.With 6 kids,I think you are a saint anyways! :) You certainly took on alot and it sounds like you are really trying.It's a shame your husband cant validate you to his kids. Welcome to the forum!

i have experienced the extreme of this, them trying to destroy us. At first it was just to break us up, when they were in their early teens, now there is just such distain, I feel they are trying to destroy us. Virtually destroy us. They cause all sorts of trouble and make all sorts of claims. My DH and I can't even be alone in a room with them without some bogus claim. He is still torn because he left them with his ex knowing she was unstable when he divorced her. Guilt. They call him and act as if nothing is wrong, and he is torn up again. They are poison and I am forced with making decisions based on their actions. Decisions I never thought I would make. I believed so wholeheartedly in 'unconditional love' but I guess I am not the person I thought I was. Not at all and I have to face that every day, I am ashamed that I don't love them. I am ashamed that I can't handle this anymore. I am not as strong as I believed I was. I tried so hard to love them, so hard for so long. I was so forgiving for so long, I didnt realize that my body was capable of forgivness for only so long. I didn't know that I had a 'forgivness limitation'. I never would have believed it but now I am forced to live with a whole bunch of realities that I cannot change. I cannot love them enough to affect them. I cannot force them to make peace with me. I dislike the person that they uncovered in me, the one with no more forgivness, the one who has exhausted the unconditional love I thought I had. Everyone can judge me and that is fine, but this is the raw reality of how I feel. Your personal judgement can't be any harsher than how I feel about myself and my choices, so have at it. I knew when I wrote this, how harsh this support board can be, I have been lerking for a while.

Maybe its just me but i've noticed it bothers alot of people when the SK doesnt' acknowledge birthdays or marriage anniversary's...for me i couldnt' give a rat's *SS for them to acknowledge days or events like that. The way i see it is, 1. I do not ask or demand acknowledgement from a 9 or 11 year old. 2. I dont ask for their permission or if its ok with them 3. I give them NO power in this manner whatsoever! This is just me. My SK's are ok...my SD is acting like a total b**ch these days and i am so happy they visit us EOW. She acts out towards her father which i dont like but will not interfere. Its not my business but after a fight i'm there to support my hubby. But i've also told him that if this fighting occurs over the next year or so and doesnt' straighten up she will NEVER live with us. I will not have my life turn in turmoil on a daily basis. I made this clear to him. If he doesnt' like it, then the door is there. Its open. he's nto trapped to stay with me. I love my hubby but will let him go if i must to keep my sanity. My SD doesnt' disrespect me. SHe knwos very well i will not tolerate any of her cr*p...so she tends to act up on the phoen with her father or wheni'm not present. Which is fine but i feel sorry for my hubby. It hurts him but i tell him. She doesnt' live with us and no matter how much you love her its best for both of you that she lives with her mother during these trying times. Its causes him way too much stress and he's sensitive. To top it off , she gave nothing for Fathers day. ...it was sad but she dug her relationship with her father into the ground that day. He will not break his back anymore. She even picked a fight the same night of fathersday and said he wasn't a good father because he wouldnt' drive for 3 hours to give her a bag of her belongings which she forgot! One thing that a stepparent must do is disengage. Dont expect to be their mother or father...you are not..and will never have the same love for them as you do your own blood. I'm sorry but that is my opinion. I'm a stepkid as well...i've had 2 stepmoms and they never replaced my mother, not even after her death. Now i'm a stepmom. They come EOW....I spoke with both of them and made it very clear. 1. im not your mother and never will be. I will never replace her and i'm not here to do it. 2. I will not be the disciplinarian . your father will do it. But thsi doesn't mean you can disrespect me. You disrespect me and i'll throw it back in your face 10 times fold and make you miserable. 3. I'll be there for u when you need a shoulder to cry on, for homework and project, when you need to eat and are hungry. I'll be a friend and give you advice when you ask. 4. I will love you as a buddy, a friend, and because your my husbands kids. But i cannot love you as your mother does. She gave birth to you and that cannot be taken away from you from anyone. Its not an easy position to be a stepparent. Its for the most part a thankless job but then again my own son doesnt thank me for the things i give him too. But he's young and will learn soon enough.

Just a heads up, according to the TOS for Gardenweb advertising is not allowed. I have seen posters I really liked kicked off the forums for less blatent advertising :-(. There always seems to be someone out there who gets their knickers all in a knot and goes running to management to complain (which I personally find childish and unnecessary, but there you go). If I were you, I would either post an apology here (at the least) or contact management and apologise, say you didn't know, and ask them to remove this post. I would hate to see you get banned over something so petty. I tried sending you a private message about this, but there isn't a link on your page (which WOULD be a good place to put a link to your business website), and the website contact form has no provision for a message, and I figure you probably don't want to phone Australia ;-).