I have problems with this issue. First let me give some background info. My parents were never married and I am not close to my father. For the first 8 years of my life it was just me and my mum. Then she decided to get married. Shortly after she got married she had my brother. So within a span of a year 1 went from being my mum's only focus to getting a 3rd of her attention. Actually less than a third, since alot of attention was given to a new husband and baby. To complicate things it was not a happy marriage and they faught constantly and split up countless times. They eventually divorced 5 years later. My mum was never one to have alot of botfriends but whenever she did they became like her main focus. I have just had a really difficult time with this. It's not that I'm starved for attention but when you bring a new person into a child's life it disrupts there sense of stability. For the past few years she has not had any serious boyfriends. But now she is talking about getting married to a boyfriend that I have only met once. I'm trying to be open to it but even at 20 it is hard. My mum and I have always been very close. It was not unusual for us to talk on the phone several times a day. But since she has been dating this new guy for the past few months she has been preoccupied and basically has no time for me. Sometimes I call and she doesn't get back to me for days. I would really like to have an easier time with this but I have already been through this and it was not a very good experience. I don't think she realizes that the decision that she makes will effect more than just her. I want her to be happy but not at the expense of the relationship that I have with her. A small bit of it is jealousy but I don't think I'm being unreasonable for resenting that my life is also going to change and i have no say in it. I'm tired of being there for her when she is alone. When she has a boyfriend it's like, I have someone to hang with, I don't need you anymore. I think it's unfair and selfish. She just told me that she had a boyfriend 2 weeks ago and now they're planning to get married and I'm just supposed to be fine with it. I don't know how to handle welcoming a stranger into my family.

If I may post a differing point of view: I often find even the "attack" posts helpful, if for no other reason than to get a glimpse into the mind of someone who is just plain mad as he** and lashing out. I deal with someone like that -- my stepmother -- who takes offense at the slightest transgression, nurses a grudge like a mother nurses her young, and never misses a chance to point fingers and play the victim. When I see a posted topic that lays out a position that sounds logical, with a simple request for feedback, I'm almost eager to see what the "attackers" are going to say. Negative Nellies are often hard to read and they never fail to surprise me in their response. Then I apply that response to my stepmother (others might apply it to DH's ex, etc.) and I begin to see just where stepfamilies go so horridly wrong. Through this board, I've discovered one thing that I always keep in the front of my mind now: A nuclear family is the most natural thing in the world. Everyone in it comes from a basis of love -- a parent's love for child, a wife's love for her husband, a husband's love for his wife, a child's love for his parents -- it all works, mostly, in harmony. A stepfamily is created from the pieces of that which has been broken. It's not surprising that it doesn't glue together properly every single time. Dad falls in love with wife, who doesn't automatically love his children. Said children wish mum and dad would just get back together and definitely does not love stepmum. No one, it seems, is prepared to offer the unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness that is found in the traditional family. Those who do, such as Dana, often struggle with the task because others in the new family do not try as hard. The whole mixture breeds anger, bitterness and resentment and that's where the attack posters come from. I suggest looking at attack posters as the bitter spice in your cupboard. You don't always use it, a full measure might make you retch, but used in the right way it brings a balance to a recipe. Even if that balance is a little unbalanced. (wink, wink)

--"How is it up to her? Is your dad in agreement with you not being there? If you really want to go, how is she going to stop you? Can't you stay in a hotel and go visit him? It doesn't make sense to me. And how long have they been together?"-- Well, this is the quandary Im currently in, trying to figure out what I should do, and if, in fact, I SHOULD just go up there regardless. I have gathered, from my dad being the one to tell me not to come for X-mas, even after my offer to sleep *wherever*, that he simply does not want me there. Or, to be more precise, SHE does not want me there, HE is ambivalent and for whatever reason he was chosen to be the mouthpiece (most likely chosen by HER, to hurt ME even more... To be quite honest, I am NOT 100% sure where HER wishes regarding this X-mas non-visit leave off and where HIS begin. Sadly, I do not think that HE even knows. (All this confusion is why I only maintain Âhalf anger at HIM in all this.) There is the other matter of me ---IÂll just put it bluntly--- just plain not having the money, especially with the airfares as they currently stand, to book a X-mas flight there now. IÂm a struggling student, and admittedly something of a "late bloomer" success-wise... However, money is not an issue for them, as I guess youÂve deduced. Or it shouldnÂt be, however I suspect that all the home improvements and mortgage payments for her may have cut into that. He has always paid for my plane tickets to visit him, yes, even though I am now over 30 and IÂm sure IÂll hear something from someone about how I shouldnÂt "expect that". But before anyone jumps on me for that, let me say that I basically AGREE and in other, more "normal" circumstances (i.e. him NOT currently DYING) I would agree that now that I have reached a certain age and am about to finish my education (after working full-time to pay for it all myself over several years) and thus be on my way to a better financial position, that it should ordinarily be my place to start paying for my own tickets. But I simply do not have it now, after giving up close to $5,000 with everything I had to pay for and take care of to make my summer stay with him possible. For him and/or her to suddenly cry poor (which I still think is not the case) or to expect me to shell out cash I donÂt have AT THIS TIME when the clock on his life is ticking fast, is just unfathomable. Unfathomably cruel on her part b/c she is not sick or drugged and should have a clearer head and a kinder heart... and unfathomable, for his part, that he is now living in some bizarro world where he does not feel itÂs "worth it" to pay for what could be one of the last visits with his only child. But I know that money isnÂt the real reason, because that wasnÂt his excuse. What he actually said was: "With [new-sister-in-law] and [new-brother-in-law] coming, there isnÂt any room for you." I should add that new-sister-in-law has been living there in their house for a few months (since around the time of the wedding, which I found out about on my voice-mail, after the fact, btw) and brother-in-law has apparently already made several trips between my dadÂs house and his home several states away. (I have NO IDEA what they are doing, or why THEY can't stay in a hotel, or who is looking after their own house, pets, etc.) I canÂt even get a call through to my dad 80% of the time. "SM" has tried to tell me several times that if I want to talk to him, I should call HER phone, not his (making her official gatekeeper of the flow of communications to him)... something I admit I have stubbornly refused to do for the most part but which I WILL do and have done in emergency situations. When he talks to me and she or her sister is present (which, b/n the 2 of them, is almost all the time, in shifts) he is curt and winds up saying these hurtful things like "thereÂs no room for you". I think here-and-there he has moments alone when "SM" is at work and sis-in-law is napping or showering or something. When these times coordinate with when he is awake and feeling up to it, I have received here and there the occasional earnest, loving call from him. But I know itÂs behind their backs b/c he apparently does not feel safe otherwise. He called me at 8:00 in the morning (VERY early for him) the day before Thanksgiving to wish me a lovely day (referred to the holiday as "tomorrow" so I know he wasnÂt confused what day it was) and I know this was because they were all going to be there on the holiday itself and he was not going to be "free" to call me. Sure enough, when I tried calling him on Thanksgiving, there was no answer all day, even though he had said they would all just be around the house. So, the jist is (and has been for several years): he confides in me privately and/or drops Âhints that all is not rosy. (Mind you I found out about her lack of household contributions, her massive credit card debt and the pressures from her and her family THROUGH HIM and not from pumping him for information at all... although I admit I have started to do that with him b/c I desperately want to know what is going on. Since "SM" has alienated him from his whole family and most of HIS friends, there are very few people near him that I feel I can even call to ask, and even with these few people I somehow feel awkward about doing it, afraid of coming across like IÂm "stirring s**t up" or slandering anyone.) To answer the 2nd question, theyÂve been together almost 18 years. I know, sounds like a good long time and is not the typical "2nd wife breezes in from nowhere to marry the dying man for his money". But regardless, she resents me, and it became worse every year that there wasnÂt a ring on her finger (which she also blames me for, merely for existing, as someone my father is ---I'm sorry--- morally obliged to protect the interests of besides her) and in fact in our situation, I believe this whole thing has been made even more poisonous as a result of the slow unfolding of time. When I first met her, at 13, I was completely open and welcoming to her (as was my bio-mom and her family: never was a snide remark or inappropriate question asked by anybody). Things were more-or-less okay, at least b/n she and I, for the first few years (besides the frequent day-long battles she and Dad fought on my visits, which would ruin any plans we might have had to do anything, time and time again... or the systematic destruction of my body image that she inflicted by pointing out every flaw in my body and how I could "fix it". Only years later have I been able to see in hindsight how damaging her "girl talk" was, and only years later did I find out she was addicted to diet pills so bad she had to go into detox; meanwhile I was a teenage anorexic because of her)... Then time came for me to go to college, and we have all seen the conflicts that occur b/c SMÂs often (but not always!) think the DH "no longer owes you a cent, now that youÂre 18" and want you to disappear. So, over the years, SHE became very snide, cold and manipulative of my relationship with my father. It had nothing to do with my mother, the divorce, or me being anything other than a normal and comparatively warm and well-behaved girl/teen/young adult. I think each year that went by that my dad did not budge and insisted on legally protecting my interests despite her many histrionic manipulations, she became more and more convinced that I was an obstacle, that she hated my existence, and that somehow or another I needed to be systematically shut out if she was ever going to "get anything out of all this". And it looks like all her carefully-honed efforts (all with a big smile on top, of course) are finally paying off for her and all her wishes are coming true. --"There is some truth to KKNY's warning but not all situations are like that. My dad is my step mom's third husband and ten years after they married, she became ill. She's terminal and he's cared for her the last ten years. Her own kids don't visit or call to see how she is. I help take care of my step mom. Yet, her children feel entitled to get an inheritance when she finally dies. She's still alive and they've already been to court twice. They apparently can't wait for her to die."-- I TOTALLY agree that this in no way represents how ALL SPÂs are. In fact, I grew up living in the house with my mom and stepdad, who has been nothing but a prince to me, treating me as if I were his blood. (We had our fights, of course, along with the "youÂre not my dad!!!"s but because he has a decent heart and an ability to communicate and compromise, we dealt with all of that with love. He did not make my mother "choose" nor fail to recognize normal teenage adjustment issues for what they were.) Sadly, though, I think it makes a difference and adds infinitely more pressures and tensions when itÂs a child-from-previous-marriage and step-parent figure who is also dependent. It tends to set up a sense of competition, especially if one party exacerbates it by being as grossly insecure and Machiavellian as my dear "SM" is. Not saying that even that "2 dependents" set-up is doomed, but it just requires some extra considerations and maturity and love that unfortunately in my particular situation (and that of too many others) has been lacking. I think this board is potentially a very good place to not only vent and compare notes but to truly try and reach understandings about the roots of these problems and what can be done to prevent them, so that at least others can learn from ALL of our heartaches. Thanks for reading my super-wordy posts, everyone, and to those Step-parents truly loving and caring for your step-kids, I salute you! You do have a hard job but as I've seen with my own stepdad, with the right attitude and an open heart you will be appreciated one day more than you even know.

I am not a step-parent, but rather a survivor of step parenting run amock. In my experience, it was the step mother from hell that was the problem. She was so insecure about her place in all of this, that her only means to stability was to keep Dad as far away from his kids as possible and to be as mean to them as possible. All of this despite the fact that she knew he had 6 kids. She hated the ground we walked on and wished we had never been born. When our father had a heart attack, she did not let any of the kids know and I'm sure that if he had not survived, we would have never even been able to say our goobyes. Also, from experiences of friends ... the worst thing a new step can do is try to pretend that they are the bio parent. You would be surprised how many try to assume the role and the title of the bio because of their own insecurities about where they stand. If they entered the picture as just another adult that has love enough in their heart to encompass a child as their friend (child already has 2 parents), it would ultimately be so much easier to gain their love and respect and ultimately their desire to be around you and please you. Some steps are so darned pushy - no offense. You can't build a relationship over night and the relationship may never be that of parent and child and doesn't need to be in order to be a loving, respectful, fulfilling one. Some people actually marry thinking that they won't really have to be involved. Some like to pretend that once they marry they can play BArbie dream house family. There are all different types of personalities... all types of human fears and insecurities. It is not always the ex that is the problem, sometimes its the spouse, sometimes its the step. I laugh whenever I read these posts about how horrible the ex is. They are getting a lot of info from the spouse - which may or may not be accurate. My sister is now going through an acrimonious divorce from her husband of 30 years. She desperately wants everyone to hate his guts and tells us all kinds of horrible things about him. I have known the man for 30 years and I know he is not perfect and that he has hurt my sister, but I also know that a lot of what she is spreading is sheer bunk to garner support of her position. I still like the man and I refuse to say anything bad about him. I agree that he has done wrong, but I refuse to get into mudslinging. What will she tell some new love in her life? That he was a wonderful husband for 29 of the 30 years? Sometimes new spouses are so thrilled in their insecurity to be better than the ex that they grasp at what the spouse says as God's given truth. I think maturity, knowledge of yourself and the human element and realism go a long way to make step parenting work. Second marriages fail at a greater rate than first marriages for many reasons. However, I think many of the reasons are born of insecurity. There is probably nothing I can imagine that has the devastating effect emotionally, socially and financially as a divorce. These walking wounded need time to get their emotional strength back as an individual before getting into a relationship. Unfortunately, so few people give themselves the necessary healing time and use a new relationship as a crutch to show the world that - I really am still lovable. Then - enter an ex wife or ex husband that threatens your security and then add some traumatized children whose homes and family have been decimated and its a most frightening, unstable situation. It is so wonderful to read success stories where people have done the right thing for themselves first and then within a loving relationship that encompasses both stepchildren and ex spouse. It is amazing that it can happen given all the human frailties that are brought into any relationship much less one as complicated as a blended family. I can see that there are many rewards in being a successful blended family. One of my sisters is the step of a now grown young woman who has been the light of her life. Unable to have children of her own, she has been blessed to have this girl a part of her life. They have never had a mother-daughter relationship. They are loving friends related by marriage. The "loving friends" part is more important than titles and roles. Once the bio Mom realized that my sister had no intention of taking her place, but rather supporting the parents in the raising of their child - the world became a peaceful place for them.