It sounds like you have your hands full! Why should you be a babysitter for her if she needs a break when you clearly need one? How does your hubby feel about you not watching the ss anymore? And what drama happens when he picks up and drops off kids? If the drama only seems to happen with him maybe you could go with, or maybe they could meet in a public place?

I could not agree more, but I am a peace maker. I am the person who tries to avoid confrontation. These can be very bad traits! I seem to sacrifice my own sanity to try to keep the peace.

Hubby works late. BM says he has to pick up boys by 530pm on Friday evenings, or make babysitting arrangements for them until he gets off work. When he argues with her about it, she changes her mind and says she will find someone to take boys until their father can pick them up. Then she tells whomever she has suckered into taking the boys that father will be there by 5:30. By the time father arrives, the sitter is furious!! Father has warned BM that he doesn't punch a clock and can not leave work until the job is completed. Sometimes it can be quite late in the evening. He has warned her that if the drama continues then he would not excercise visitation all together, or just not pick them up until Saturday mornings. She flips out!! Its up to him to pick up and drop off. When he tries to drop off around 7pm Sunday evenings, she usually isn't home. She will call him and leave a message advising she won't be home until later and he will have to deal with it. That is a glimpse in to the drama...its pathetic!

I used to go with him quite a bit, or I would just step up, or should I say cave in, and just say its fine, I will run them home later when she would call. I felt like it was me who was usually doing the compromising and yet I didn't make these babies. The boys are raised by misc babysitters more than a mother or a father. I feel bad and guilty yet my feelings of "love and patience" for these boys is really running thin. I can barely stand to be in same room anymore. Its awful!

Since I have put the foot down, and quit answering her calls and text messages, my hubby is proud of me. He says its about time I stop being manipulated. He has already told his ex several times that it is not my responsiblity to watch the boys, pick them up at her convenience and drop them off etc.

She playes the "I'm a single mom" card all the time. I feel like more of a single mom than she could ever be. She comes from money. So much so that she can afford to work intermittantly and still live in a custom home, drive brand new cars, Harleys, take vacations, etc. She always has a new outfit on, yet the boys sometimes show up shoeless, sockless and sometimes even underwearless.

Sorry to rant on and on...the story/drama is very drawn out!!

I'm so, so sorry for all this turmoil.

I think I'd play the 'overtired pg lady' for awhile, then the 'nursing an infant w/ two toddlers at home' card after that. I mean, it IS true. And, I wouldn't avoid her calls, but say, "Sorry, little _______ just nodded off and he's so exhausted that I need to let him get some rest...." I have three little boys, 3, 5, and 7 - so I've been there. My skids were 12, 14, 16 when we married ten yrs. ago, and their mother conveniently had some emergency every time one of them needed to be driven more than three blocks out of her way - didn't matter who's weekend it was - we did all the driving...It was funny how things changed - at first, she didn't want the kids seeing us at all (obviously couldn't do that w/ visitation, but she tried to make up excuses, etc.) then, I guess she got a taste of some freedom and seemed to say, "Kids, what kids? They're YOUR problem - I'm off to _________!"

How old are the SSs? If you truly feel they are poorly influencing your toddlers, than you are well w/in your rights to stop babysitting alone. If DH is there, then he can help, but to handle the whole gang on a regular basis is just too much. Not that you'd want her to, but would she ever take your little ones to 'give you a break?' Didn't think so.

You're going to always have the issue of the little ones picking up habits from the older ones - good, bad and indifferent. If the SSs are making poor choices, not using their mouths for nice, respectful things, just say, "Honey, please don't do that...we've noticed some not-so-nice things coming out of _________'s mouth, so we're all committed to setting only the BEST of examples."

How far along are you?

All the best,
Dana

I am due the middle of September, so I am 8 months pregnant. The 2 SS are 5 and 7 (almost 6 and 8).

I can relate with your comment about how things change. The BM didn't want the kids coming to our house all that much either in the very beginning, but once she got the taste of freedom, it seemed like we were taking kids almost every weekend and then a few days during the week.

And to answer your question, you are right, the BM has never offered to give me a break!! I would never send my kids there though, but the principal still stands. She thinks since its the two of us (father and I), I must get tons of breaks. Funny.

I work from home, so my kids are not with sitters or daycare. I have to tend to them and run the household. I have to work when they sleep, thus I usually go without the much needed sleep and dealing with the SS and crazy BM is becoming way too much for me to handle anymore. But like I said before, I can feel the weaknesses in me wanting to cave in and start doing it all again as I watch the drama unfold between BM and father!

I am glad you can appreciate my point of view. This isn't my first go round being a SM. I was married previously, thank goodnesss we didnt have any kids. He had a daughter from a prev relationship. She and I bonded so quickly and I loved her to pieces from day one. She's a teenager now and comes and babysits for me when I go to my prenatal doctor visits. Anyway, we never had the kind of manipulation and drama that I see now.

Is it all up to me? Am I supposed to be the one to "bridge the gap" and continue to cater to her since she is the "single mom"? Am I doing a huge diservice to the SS I knew existed before I started having kids with their father?

Other than ordered times... do not be at her beck and call... believe me she will use it to her advantage not the children's. I am a full-time SAHSM. The 3 children go to their mom's 2 nights a week. And even then its always a gamble if she will take them.

I have to communicate with the ex. because she was always changing the drop off and pick up times. I would be out getting a call she's at the house and no one is home. I blocked her from directly calling my cell it goes straight to voice mail. The kids have my number and have their own phone so if they "need" me they know how to get me. Communicate with her on your terms not hers when its convienent for you.

His ex would berate me to the children but the minute she was "busy" and needed someone to be with the kids I was the first one to call. I still am but its on my terms and my convienence.

They will stop at nothing to inconvienence you believe me I know first hand. I was having surgery told her I wouldn't be around and would need her to keep the kids till hubby got home from work... needless to say she called my cell 15 times while I was having the surgery. And when I arrived home from the hospital she was in the driveway waiting for me. The kids got out of her car yelling at me that I was late. Or the time she needed to do something when I was just the girlfriend she drove over an hour to drop the 3 of them off where I was working.

If he is supposed to pick them up and is working if you were not there what would he or she do? I tell them both to take me out of the equation when it comes to visitation drop off and pick up times. I am here for him not her. I am his wife not hers.

His ex used to play the single mother card all the time too... I sat with her one day and basically told her what its like to be a single mom. Not her version ... 2 nights a week does not let you play the single mom card.

You are so right!! When I was induced early and unexpectidly with our 2nd child, I called ex to tell her I could not pick up the kids in a couple hours as I was being checked into the hospital. Her response was, "good luck with everything! Hope you can find someone to help you guys out with the boys this weekend. Love you and see you in a few days". About made me vomit!! love you? Give me a freakin break.

So, here is a question, do you think when it is the father's weekend, and he is working until 10pm Friday night, I should take the boys earlier in the evening on those Fridays? OR should I be encouraging father to just tell her he won't pick them up anymore until Saturday morning since the Friday night thing is getting too late?

Me personally I would take them on the friday ... she is only going to make the kids miserable if you don't ... But if the issue is ever revisited in court I would bring it up that he works till 10 pm on a friday night so he wouldn't be able to care for them until saturday mornings.

Is it possible for her to bring them to you on a friday? this way you are not packing 3 kids into a car on a friday.

The more routine and structure you have in place for the children will benefit them more than if their parents "juggle" them around. The more secure they feel the better off they will be.

Mom drops them off at 5:30 dinner at 6:00 Movie at 7:00 bed at 9:00 same thing every week ... get a family movie... something all of you can watch. Welcome them home when they arrive "hey boys nice to have you home". dinner is in a half hour go wash your hands and set the table. You get the idea ... its not a matter of discipling them its enforcing rules and structure.

My daughter's father does not pick her up on his weekend visitation if he is working. I think you are perfectly well within your rights to *expect* your husband to call the mom and say he's not coming for the boys until he's done with his shift, or if it's too late, the next morning.

Can I just tell you, and I'm going off on a tangent here, but all of this talk about giving people "breaks" makes me absolutely crazy. My evil MIL actually had the nerve last year to tell my DH that she expected *me* to take care of SS's half-sister during the summer to give *their* mother, the woman who kicked my DH out of the house to marry the other man and withheld the kids from their entire family for over three months, a freaking break. I could not believe it! Needless to say, I don't talk to MIL anymore. It's bad enough I've become the babysitter for SS let alone the EW's daughter? The woman doesn't even work! And SS lives with us FT. It just goes to show that people will continually push and poke at you to get what they want, regardless of your feelings, rights, or commitments.

You have enough on your plate right now without the added stress of worrying about bridging a gap that quite clearly is your's husband's deal. Help out when you can, if you are able to, but tell your DH that YOU need a break.

backbone - I feel for you so much it's unbelievable! I am due in the first part of October and I have a 3 year old. I couldn't imagine having a house full as yours is. I am going to tell you what I would do, this is kinda somewhere in between what everyone else has told you.

As you are the step mother and we are told we should not over step our boundaries. I think this is one circumstance that maybe I would enforce that particular idea, let me explain. As you are already taking care of 2 and have one on the way, and your DH has to work on Friday during the pick up times. It should be left up to him and BM to figure out whether it is recommended to pick up the boys Friday night by him or Saturday morning also by him. No offense but if he goes to court with the attitude of I can't pick them up of Friday night because I don't know what time I will be getting off, you think the judge is going to care. Probably not, he either needs to make arrangements with his boss and say I have no choice but to leave at this time of Friday to pick up my children, sorry but it is court ordered. Or, he needs to just tell BM that it will be Saturday mornings. If you feel that you can handle a group of 4 running around your home until bedtime, and BM doesn't want to keep the kids. Then tell DH that BM can drop the kids off at the house to you. As they are not your children, it is really not your responsibility to do the driving. God forbid if you were in an accident with the her kids in the car, you would be held responsible. I agree with cawfecup's advice, on doing things on your terms. If she wants you to watch the children then it is her dropping them off at a specific time, and maybe ever other Friday as you can't handle it this late in the pregnancy. You getting yourself worked up is not healthy for you or the baby, just realize every bit of stress you feel that baby feels it too.

Just another womens opinion.

First I just want to say THANK YOU! I appreciate the responses. Its fantastic to read through all the advise and empathy out there. I appreciate your taking the time to read a little about our dilema.

For the time being, I have decided to try to stay out of it. I will let father and BM figure it out. I know by me staying out of the picture it has created more drama and contention and I feel guilty because I know the biggest effect is felt by the boys. I, however, can not give her an inch. She always takes a mile and its affecting my children and my ability to be a mother to my own kids. I think the reason I have catered to her for 6 years is out of guilt, but I refuse to sacrifice all the time anymore. She has burned a bridge here and I can't rebuild it alone. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one holding it together and its wearing on me. Its time I think of ME and concentrate on "growing this baby" so to speak.

I have been writing on a calendar everytime she asks me to take the kids over the last couple months, and its been at least once a week. She texts that she is overwhelmed and needs a break. She texts that her sitter fell through and can I help, or anyone in my family help. She asks if I can take them Thursday night, overnight and all day Friday on visitation weekends. Its overwhelming!

This is all without her knowing my work has recently let me move home to work. I am sure once she catches wind of that, she would be expecting even more! After all, working on and off between 4am-10pm, tending to my 3 year old, 14 month old, being 8 months pregnant, doing all the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying all the bills and not having a regular sitter of my own, I must have all the free time in the world and should not mind taking on her boys as well.

Ok, I am over my rant again. I apologize! It just seems to be "pouring" out tonight.

Thanks again!

working on and off between 4am-10pm, tending to my 3 year old, 14 month old, being 8 months pregnant, doing all the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying all the bills and not having a regular sitter of my own

Good Lord I am exhausted just reading that.

Do not let this woman take advantage of you and from the sounds of it, she absolutely will if YOU let her. Stand your ground!

I will be thinking about you and praying for easy delivery

Hi - pretty new to this forum, but have read through a lot. I hope this doesn't offend, but it sounds as though you're also being taken advantage of by your husband. I know you said he's proud that you're finally saying no on occasion, but you also said that "The boys are raised by misc babysitters more than a mother or a father."

Your husband working such long hours is having, in my opinion, a huge effect on the situation and on you, it's not just the BM (who sounds like a real piece of work!). Your husband will now have 5 children, work long and late, and your plate is gettng more and more full.

3 kids in 3 years - wow!

Can you help your husband to realize that he needs to be around more to help raise the family (and that family includes all of his kids)? Can he tell the BM that SHE will do the picking up and dropping off, not him? Etc.

Suzieque