June, my advice is to change your numbers and get a restraining order if you must. Your situation sounds very familiar, my friend is going through a similar situation but she is dragging her heals through the divorce:( They have children together and that complicates things slightly. Her husband too, had carried on a secret life for over 2 years. He had been caught cheating about 5 years ago and she forgave and stayed married. Then he did it AGAIN! I think she should not just be leaving him, but RUNNING the other way. He is smooth and manipulative and she's shattered. She loves her husband, she didn't choose for him to be unfaithful and as much as it hurts her she's just not leaving. craziness. She describes him the same way you do your ex that he has a personality disorder. I really think you were right to get out of the marriage. You want peace and you DO deserve it. Make him leave you alone. Keep on moving on and don't look back :) Better things await I'm sure. Good luck!

It's interesting to me that you asked for "clear-thinking advice" -- because your thinking doesn't sound the slightest bit fuzzy.

I kept waiting for the part about where you're now wondering if perhaps you were too hasty in going through with the divorce -- But you didn't say that.

I kind of expected a bit of wondering if he might possibly change if he truly wanted to, because now it seems like he truly wants to change -- But you didn't say that.

You might have said something about what could have been missing in your intimate relationship that caused him to go elsewhere -- But you didn't.

I thought maybe you'd say how much you missed him and how happy your marriage was overall -- But you didn't say that either.

June, you sound pretty clear-thinking to me!
If your only question is how to get rid of him for good, then I'd agree with the "change your numbers" strategy backed up with a crystal clear directive, an unlisted phone number, perhaps a name change, and restraining orders if needed.

Or is there something you're unclear on?

June, you re still vunerable..Stay strong..I know its flattering to get this attention, do not talk to him..You ve said it all, you went thru the pain, didnt bother him so much...Ignore all contact and keep on your path to recovery...You can do this, you HAVE been doing it...Contact will just slow you down....When you feel like weakening, remember how he made you feel...The best Dotz

I'm sorry you are going through this. My advice is to ignore him. And I mean *totally*. Do not ever respond in any way to his mail, emails, calls, or gifts.

Drop his love letters in the trash without reading them. Block his email address by tagging it as 'junk'. Never answer his calls. Take the gifts and give them to someone who would appreciate them...not necessarily someone you know - maybe take them to a nursing home or to a women's shelter.

You owe him nothing, especially an explanation or 'final' talk to tell him...well, whatever you might feel like you 'should' say to him to let him know to stop. He won't stop if you engage. Any time you respond in any way to him, you are engaging him and giving him hope. (twisted as that might be.) He is counting on wearing you down.

When I was going through my divorce, if my ex would call I would just press the button on the side of my phone and that silenced the ring. If he left a message, I would delete it without listening.

Only you can create your own peace, and while it will be difficult for awhile, it works and it's very empowering.
I wish you the best.

restraining order. that's all you should do. do not meet with him. you have no children together so he should be gone for good never to be seen again. you sure deserve a healthy relationship with a normal person, it is not going to happen if you'll spend any extra minute with this guy.

Thank you all so much for helping me get back my resolve. I know he is counting on wearing me down. He has been working very hard at it.

This whole experience has been so emotionally draining. My doctor put me on a pretty strong anti-depressant to get me through this and it has been a mixed blessing.

It is good because I am thinking clearly (I think!), but it has taken the edge off my anger. I didn't feel like myself on these pills, so I stopped taking them for a few days and wow - I became the angriest woman on earth. The good part of that is he stayed clear of me during that time.

The anger was so hard to handle that went back to my doctor and she told me I am not ready to come off of them yet and she said I have to take them for a full year. Great.

Thank you again for the support. I will not be discussing anything with him other than to tell him to leave me alone, lose my number, etc. If he doesn't, then I will take legal measures.

He has already wasted enough of my time. He got what he deserved. I didn't deserve what he did to me. Now I am sounding like my old self. Thanks!

June:

Here's something to think about if you're feeling vulnerable: How many times did he jeopardize your health by sleeping with these women and then with you? If that's not enough, then think of the emotional pain you went through and how unaffected he appears to be by it.

I will not be discussing anything with him other than to tell him to leave me alone, lose my number, etc.

You don't even have to do that. And you shouldn't. Just ignore him totally. You owe him nothing.

You are right, Weed. I don't owe him a thing. The thought of even speaking to him makes me feel jittery. It will be easier to ignore him. Thanks! And Gerina, he did put me in jeopardy with what he did. He's a big boy. He should "get" it. He is just back to being his old manipulative self.

about anti-depressants. My BF was on antidepressants during separation and awful divorce and some time after that. It did help him to feel less angry about the situations but he did not feel like himself. then he also developed side effects so he went off anti-depressants that caused him to go back to anger and that's when his drinking went up. he was told that it was unwise to come off medication all at once isntead of doing it gradually and with doctor's advice, he was also told that he could try different medication isntead of going off it all togethre. So be careful with stopping it all together at once. talk to a doctor about adjucting your dosage or other options. good luck. you will be happy in no time.

I agree to stop all contact. You shouldn't need to get a restraining order as long as it's just phone calls. The problem is that he's just like a little kid. Sometimes kids act out in negative ways just to get their parents' attention if they feel like they aren't getting enough. It doesn't matter if they are getting a hug or a spanking as long as the parent is paying attention to them. This is what is going on with your X. He doesn't care if your yelling at him or making love as long as you're paying attention to him. You've really just got to stop the contact all together. Stop answering his calls. Change your number. He'll quit calling eventually.

June,

It doesn't matter what someone says, just what they do. This bozo obviously has a history of the same pattern of behavior and there has been no reason to think it will ever change. Life is precious, and short, and there are so many wonderful things to do, places to go, and people to surround yourself with. This man was out there doing the most intimate things you can do with someone and then coming home and doing the same things with you, and would have continued indefinitely. This kind of double life that some people exist in and perpetrate on other people seems in a sense sociopathic to me. I have been in this situation myself, and it makes me physically ill just thinking about it. Sail off into the sunset without him and don't think about it anymore! I know it's hard because the emotions are there, but just remember those emotions were for a person who in fact did not exist. Escape from his sad games because the fact is, he can live in them, and probably needs to, and you cannot. Nothing can change the fact that he did what he did. Take care of yourself and I wish you much happiness and peace!

If you have told him to leave you alone and that you want no contact then he is stalking you if he does not comply. There are some great on-line resources to understand stalking, do a google search.

You have more legal protection than you are taking advantage of. Send a formal letter to him, registered, return receipt requested. Inform him in that letter that you will endure no contact of any kind: in person, through a third party, by mail, phone, computer or any electronic media. Failure to comply with this will result in you registering a formal complaint with the police that you are being stalked.

If you can afford a lawyer to write it up for you, invest the money. They can make it sound much more thorough. Quit letting him mess with you, get serious. Some of that anger should be put to very good use.

You know, there's a website where women post stories and photos about men, "don't date this guy" kind of place. I don't remember the name of it but Dr Phil had something on about it last year. Revenge.com?

I'd give him one formal written warning, complete with if..then consequences. Then follow through on the consequences. Don't threaten a pea-shooter, use a cannon. (ie: I will file stalking charges against you. I will post your photo on 'don't date this guy.com', I will start a deliberate campaign to spread the news on what you are REALLY like. You don't get to *** with me any longer. I won't ask any more, I'll retaliate and it will hurt.)

Really, channel that anger into constructive action. He's messing with you because he's convinced he can. Prove him wrong.
j

Change doctors!

First:

Anger isn't bad, it's a powerful defense.

(There's a reason your ex didn't come around when you were off your anti-depressants & were able to feel your own anger!)

Anger is there to protect you, & your physician is disabling it & you by feeding you anti-depressants, which, by the way, are for depression, not rage.

& telling someone to stay on anti-depressants, or any drug, for a year at a time, is outrageous, irresponsible, & possibly as dangerous for you as sleeping with a husband who's been sleeping with who-knows-who.

Second:

Has this doctor not checked you for STDs?

Get yourself checked for every STD in the universe, including AIDS.

Tape the test results to your refrigerator door or your vanity mirror, & if you ever feel yourself doubting that you did the right thing in dumping this dangerous person... read your mirror.

Everyone else has given you excellent advice;
put up strong walls & keep this guy away from you.

I wish you the best.

If your ex husband had been a guy who had had a one time affair and made a mistake, I would have asked you to figure out what you really feel about him, and decide if its worth working on.

That isnt the case. He is a serial cheater, both on you, and on his past wife. Men who are serial cheaters are narcissists,who believe that they are justified in what they do, because they deserve it.

When a woman leaves a narcissist, he is unable to fathon the fact that she rejected him, and will often make every attempt to win her back. He will promise the moon, act differently ( on the surface) and basically grovel, to get her to change her mind and take him back. If she makes the mistake of believing him, the narcissist then feels justified even further ( see? I really didnt deserve to be left, I did nothing wrong, blah blah ). He will then either revert to his old pattern, or he will then end the relationship himself so that he has control over its ending.

Its driving him nuts that you have taken the control away.

I know its got to be hard, because when a narcissist is trying to win a woman , he is at his most charming. I know you already know this, and you really just need emotional support to stay strong. You were right to leave. You are right to stay away. No contact is best. Hang in th ere.

I am really grateful for all of the good advice and the support here. Thank you, everyone.

I agree with everything that has been said. When this first happened, I did go to a counselor about three times. I told her what happened and she told me he fit the narcissistic personality disorder. She said he was a philanderer just like Bill Clinton. Maybe Hillary knew what she was getting into, but I certaintly didn't!

So, I've read up on the narcissistic personality disorder and it is really quite different than what I initially thought it was. I would never have pegged him a narcissist until I got educated and he does fit the template of the somatic narcissist.

Kathline, you are exactly right on target about how the narcissist handles rejection. Now he is acting like a little kid trying to get my attention because I am ignoring him.

From what I've read, some people go so far off the scale on narcissism that they are sociopathic. He may even be there.

He deceived me from the get-go, charmed his way into my life and the man I knew and loved didn't even exist. He was only an illusion and never anything more. As much as that hurts, that is the sad truth of the matter.

Sylvia, I did go to my doctor one week after I found out. She ran every test on me. I was a total emotional mess at that time and I was terrified about the possibility he could have exposed me to an STD or AIDS. My doc ran every possible test and after waiting four gut-wrenching days for the results, I got the good news that I am completely healthy.

The day at the doctor's office having blood drawn, urine tests, etc., and the four days I had to wait for the results are days that are etched into my mind permanently.

I love your idea about putting the test results on my mirror. When I put my face on every day I can see it and really remember the evil that he did to me.

I think I will go back to my counselor and talk to her about the anti-depressants. She wanted me to be angry because she said that would prevent me from going into a deep depression. But the anti-depressants my doctor prescribed I think are just too strong and they won't allow me to get angry or even cry.

I have got to get off these things and I won't do it without medical help. I tried that and it was awful.

But I agree - no contact. Ignore, ignore. If he steps it up, he's going to get into legal trouble.

Thanks again so much!